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Activity Boards => Assorted Creations => Topic started by: McDohl on September 17, 2008, 11:08:03 AM

Title: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on September 17, 2008, 11:08:03 AM
"Didn't we get married and have kids or something?"

"I think so...it's all so fuzzy."

Kelly looked down at the whirling mass of sawblades beneath her, then to Billy, balanced on the narrow bridge with her.

"Well, this sucks."

---

A few days earlier...

"So, how much is the fee?"  Anticlimax, his look updated to blend with the spiky-haired protagonists that had become popular in recent years, adjusted the seven belts now hanging over his shoulder.

"I'M BASCH FON RONSENBURG" shouted a Mediterranean gigolo, just seconds before being tackled by half a dozen city guards.

The mysterious shadowy figure that sat opposite Anticlimax cleared his throat.

"Ahem.  Anyway, I will pay you a king's ransom."

Anticlimax mulled this over.  "A vague mission for an equally vague payment..."

He stood up and pointed to the horizon.  "I'll do it!"

He adjusted his 37 belts and 42 zippers and walked toward the horizon on a new and epic adventure.

Someone from nowhere said.  "He's too upbeat to fit in to the Nomura Squad."

---

"I'm going to fucking kill you," Thad said, pouring himself another shot of tequila before passing the bottle to Adam, who took a swig straight from the bottle.

"I know, but you missed this shit anyway, didn't you?" Adam hiccuped.

"Damn it dude, don't do that.  Fuckin' backwash."  Thad snatched the bottle back and drank his shot.  "You DO realize that I'm going to kill you if HE fucks this shit up, right?"

"Oh come on, Thaddy Slick.  You love it when someone who's not us contributes."

"But HIM.  FUCKING HIM."

"If he does anything stupid, you can castrate him like you always do."

Thad sighed  He was annoyed.  He was very annoyed.

"FINE.  Let's do this shit."  He threw the bottle and it crashed against the wall, shattering.  Thad pulled out a pistol and set it on the table in front of him, barrel pointed directly at SoraCross.

-------------

Welcome to Katestory #XVII: Thad Mentioned It In Something Almost Completely Non-related And Dohl Got The Itch FUCKING AGAIN Edition!

This is for you new people.  This is a reply-to story, where you write in the next portion of the story.  The idea is for a hive-mind to come up with a coherent narrative, but this often fails.
Source material. (http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/)
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 17, 2008, 11:57:04 AM
Blaggar stuck out his tongue and adjusted the axial tilt of the fourteen-hundred and fifty-second tier's primary suspended triad support beam. Over 300,000 twigs and not a single one out of place. He stepped back and smiled an owl's smile, admiring his beautiful work of art.

"Hoot! Hoot!" was all any nearby humans heard, but Fortie the Squirrel heard "Come see what I built, Fortie!"

Fortie looked at the acorn in his hands. It was bitter and not very alcoholic anyway. He threw it down at the forest floor and hop-hopped across the branch to where Blaggar perched.

"Now, be careful Fortie! It's precarious!"

Fortie whistled and nodded. "Ohmygosh, that'sthemostimpressivethingI'veeverseen... youspentsomuchtimeonthatandnowthatit'sfinallyfinishedIgottasaygoodjob! Ithinkitresemblesanacorn. Whatareyougonnadonowthatit'salldone?"

Blaggar turned his head 284 degrees around and looked at the slightly drunk Squirrel. "I suppose I could ask some spiders to sew it all together so it won't break... and it's not an acorn, it's a Sky Scraper."

Fortie nodded. "Thenit'llbeindestructable! Goodidea, Blaggar, veryverygoodidea. What'saskyscraper, anyway?"

Just then the tree burst into flames.

Blaggar and Fortie barely escaped with their fur and feathers.

"I say, what on earth...?" Blaggar looked around before rolling back onto his feet. What he saw next frightened him to the hollow bone.

A dastardly-looking fellow wearing a watch and wielding a sword stood just beyond the edge of the forest. He laughed... a croaky sort of laugh, and the friends felt immense heat against their backs. They slowly turned around to see their entire forest had been set ablaze.

By the time either thought to look back the cloak-wearing stranger had vanished.

"What... whatintheholybirdshitwasthat?"

Blaggar only frowned in an owly way and put his head under his arm, weeping at the loss of his magnificent art gallery in the old oak on the edge of Caliper Forest.
 
       -     -       -        -          -       -      -      -

A huge castle lumbers past the burning trees. Somewhere within a man with bird wings watches Glen set the fire. He picks a hanging crystal from those arranged above his crystal ball and casts a spell, sending the crystal flying through space to land at the feet of Blaggar and Fortie.

"That's enough of a good deed for one day, I think. Ah, where's my lunch?"

A girl enters and drops a plate on his bed. "Stop eating in here."

He rolls his eyes and digs in.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on September 17, 2008, 12:11:29 PM
In an unspecified location, somebody did something that had nothing to do with anything else.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 17, 2008, 12:55:17 PM
Kate decided that wasn't going to cut it. She pointed to the map above her hideout war table and made the location specific. "This is the location. The event had nothing to do with our current problem: Who is setting all these fires?" She put her hands behind her back and rocked on her heels and toes, waiting for a response from those she'd gathered here. Outside the Washington Monument's secret KateBase bay window a bus of tourists stopped to take pictures.

X looked around the room. Beside an onion knight named Pico Fermie Bagels stood an anthropomorphic left-handed coffee mug named Neven. Others may or may not have been in attendance. X had a hard time caring.

Neven turned around and used the face on the other side of his body to address Kate.

"What's that got to do with us?"

Kate sighed and tapped the map again. "If it didn't have anything to do with you, you wouldn't be here."

Unable to find a flaw in that logic, Neven swapped faces again.

"How did-" Pico Fermie Bagels started to inquire about some past detail of plot.

"That's not important."

"What does any of this have to do with Billy and Kelly?" Neven looked puzzled as he again switched sides.

"That's not important." Kate radiated authority on this matter.

X finally spoke. "Then what, oh fearless leader, is?"

"What is important is that my map is on fire." Kate nodded and smiled in a self-satisfied way.

Everyone looked. Kate did a doubletake.

"HEY! MY MAP IS ON FIRE! SOMEONE IS IN A LOT OF TROUBLE!" As she patted out the fire in the area marked "Caliper Forest" she continued to bitch loudly, saying, "Do you know how hard it is to get a map of this place? Ever since the dimensional merger map-makers have become fucking RICH, they charged me an arm and a leg for this one!"
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on September 17, 2008, 01:14:31 PM
As abruptly as the fire started in Caliper Forest, it was doused.

Blaggar and Fortie were summarily confused, because the wooden skyscraper had been reduced to a smashed pile of rubble.

"Sowhatdowedonow?" asked Fortie.

"Well, some crazy person with a nifty electroluminescent sword and watch just immolated my life's work.  I'm hittin' the pub."

The owl got drunk.

---

Kate looked around.  "So, if none of you did that, then who did?"

"SUPRISE, COCKFAGS!"

(insert image of CoH Girard, cuz' I couldn't find him)

X trained his arm cannon on Girard's head and fired, but Girard was quicker, and moved out of the way.  Parts of the Washington Monument were blasted away and fell on tourists.

George W. Bush went on a press conference and blamed al-Qaeda and Katrina.

Girard cackled as he and X continued their duel in Kate's new war room for a few more minutes, before Girard pirouetted and vanished, leaving behind a note.

The anthropomorphised coffee cup looked around.

"What the fuck just happened?"

Everyone else thought the same thing.

Meanwhile, Guildenstern :justasplanned:'d.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 17, 2008, 01:45:45 PM
Glenn saluted as Girard paced back and forth in the oval office. George W. Bush sat not far off, playing with a rubik's cube. He'd finally managed to smash it apart with a gavel and was trying to put the 27 pieces back together.

"Are you sure you set enough fires?" Girard looked anxious and angry.

Glenn nodded.

"Go downstairs and see if Billy and Kelly are dead yet."

Glenn walked away, the slave-crown on his head whirring quietly.

George W. Bush finally reassembled the cube. It was more mixed up than before he'd started. He frowned and smashed it with the gavel again.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on September 17, 2008, 05:32:12 PM
They called me insane.  Paranoid.  An abuser of power.  They're all fools!  All of them!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

"Mr. Vice President?"

Dick Cheney turned slowly in his tall, black leather swivel chair, fingers steepled.  "Yes?"

The aide shivered in his shoes, his tie clip beginning to *click click click* against one of the buttons of his shirt.  Cheney was a man not to be trifled with.

"The, er, the Senate has voted to shut down your White House Defense Systems plan..."

Cheney's hands dropped.  He glared at the aide from over the desk.   "Go on."

A bead of sweat ran down the side of the aide's face as he continued.  "Reviewing the plan that 'whirling masses of saw blades beneath a narrow bridge being the only ability to access your secret underground skull-shaped castle' is both impractical and insane."

Cheney stood up.  The aide flinched.

"They're all fools.  ALL OF THEM!"  He slammed a fist down on his desk, then turned to look out the window behind him out to the White House lawn.

"Then I'm afraid that some...reorganization is in order."  He snapped his fingers, and a secret door opened up in the wall.  The reanimated corpse of Donald Rumsfeld charged in, roaring and slavering, and devoured the aide whole.

As the splatter of gore behind him went ignored, Cheney thought to himself.

"The time has come to enact Program: Kitten."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 17, 2008, 06:20:44 PM
Hideo's lab buzzed with activity. The American Children he'd enslaved with his videogame propaganda worked busily, using their wiretaps of Homeland Security and correlating data by the truckload.

Hideo himself stood atop a small balcony, surveiling his master plan.

"Sir!"

Hideo turned and looked the aide over.

"What."

The aide forged ahead. "Sir, our plan to disrupt Cheney's plan was a success. He'll be stymied for months."

"Excell-"

Girard appeared behind Hideo.

"Suck this, Kojima."

A short sword thrust through Hideo's work tux. The shining red blade dripped with his green blood.

"..."

Hideo dropped to the ground, dead.

Girard giggled and proceeded to slay the entire staff, starting with the youngest orphans and puppies.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on September 17, 2008, 11:48:48 PM
Thump thump thump "MEOW!" rattle rattle rattle "MEW! ROWR!"

"GOD DAMN CAT!" Thad shouted.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on September 18, 2008, 03:21:43 AM
Back in DC, Cheney swished a carafe of red wine dracularly.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 18, 2008, 02:14:24 PM
Kate's war-room butler served spicy nachos. Everyone ate happily for a few hours, peacefully contemplating the plan.

"So, what's the plan?" asked Pico Fermie Bagels after much contemplation.

"Er, I thought Kate had a plan." X idly flipped through a copy of "Playboy: Women of Congress" edition magazine.

Nobody seemed to have an answer for that.

"I WILL DEFEAT YOU WITH HONOR!" someone shouted from outside. Neven turned around to look and spoke out the other side of his head as he described the scene below.

It was Anticlimax, standing on the lawn of the Washington Monument in his underpants. In each hand he held a samurai sword and clutched another between his teeth. He had a fourth stuck behind one knee which forced him to hop around on one foot. Finally, a fifth sword tucked between his thighs provided quadrinary parrying as he valiantly fought off a hundred Ninja Gaiden ninjas.

"It's some dumbass with swords fighting Ninja Gaiden ninjas."

"That's our queue. Ready the cannons." Kate pointed to a cannon that had just appeared in the corner of the room."

"Don't you mean, 'that's our cue?'" X sniffed dryly.

"What did I say?"

"You said, 'queue.'"

"What?"

"You said, 'queue' and you meant, 'cue.'"

"I don't need lectures from someone who can't properly annotate quotes within quotes."

X took a deep breath and shook his head. "Nevermind." He walked over to the cannon and hefted it up onto his shoulders.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Kazz on September 19, 2008, 07:00:10 AM
Gok Tinnik paid a demon to let him fuck it in the ass, and somehow came out of the entire affair looking suave.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 19, 2008, 11:07:33 AM
Blaggar hiccuped.

- - - - - - - -

Guildenstern sits at his desk, masturbating vigorously while eating a pastrami sandwich, scratching his butt and checking his emails. The Colbert Report plays in the background. Suddenly he stops all movement.

"Hey! Stop spying on me! And you guys need to add to this story."

He turns to face the screen. "I mean it. Go away."

He sits for a second, penis turning flaccid in his hand. A fly lands on the pastrami sandwich. He ignores it.

"Goddamnit!" He stands and storms outside to smoke a cigarette, not noticing that his wang is still hanging out. An old lady waves at him and he cocks his head in reply, mumbling something about wishing Thad would share the booze.

- - - - - - - - - -

"WellthisisthelifehuhBlaggarmyboy?" Fortie chowed down on another of his private reserve of finely malted acorns.

"Hoot." Blaggar's voice dripped with owly sarcasm.

"Hic."

"Hic."

*SLAM* Blaggar's mug splashed with the force of his angry gesture. "THAT'S IT! I'm going to do something about this. We need to call HIM."

Fortie pretended not to hear. "Andanotherthing, atleastyou'vegotyourhealth!"

"I said, we need to call Miles Prower."

"..." Fortie rubbed a bulbous eye and spit up a bit of shell. He slowly stood up, wavered a bit on his hind legs, and walked slowly to the pub door.

"FORTIE GET BACK HERE!" Blaggar sobered enough to menace the smaller squirrel, who turned and shook his head vehemently.

"Youknowthatistheworstideayou'veeverhad, right? Thereareotherheroeswecouldcall... Chaoscomestomind."

"Prower." Blaggar's bloodshot eyes bespoke a lapse in judgement that would cast a shadow of ominous portent on the entire rest of the story.

In a corner of the pub an eavesdropping Chao died of heart failure.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on September 19, 2008, 02:44:56 PM
"N-n-n-nicesuityou'vegotthere."  Fortie was very nervous.  "Ar-Armani?"

Prower gave a kind of toothy smirk around his cigar.  "Stop kissing my ass and get to the point, boys," he said through clenched teeth, his stogie bouncing rhythmically.

"You know exactly why we're here," Blaggar snapped.

"The Overlanders burn our forests and poison our air," Prower responded.  "So it has always been.  So it will always be."

"You're-you'repoisoningtheairrightnow!" Fortie coughed, indicating the smoke from Prower's cigar.

"Exactly," the fox responded.  "I'm sick of the dance."

"Then end it!" Blaggar urged.  "You can do what nobody else can.  You know more about asymmetric warfare than anyone on this planet."

"This mess of a planet, this Dark Age of a time," Prower responded.  "Yes.  These Overlanders, scurrying around in fear of an ape in a cave.  I've met fifteen-year-olds who knew more about how to dismantle a city."

"That's why we need you!"

"Don't you see, damn it?" Prower snarled.  "It didn't change a god-damned thing.  Twelve hundred years in the past and technology's more primitive but the song remains the same.  I can't help this ugly little world.  Blowing up a few buildings isn't going to stop the march of 'progress'.  This is what Overlanders DO."

"It wasn't an Overlander," Blaggar responded.  "I saw him.  He was a frog."

Prower furrowed his brow.  Slowly, he removed the cigar from his mouth and stubbed it out in an ashtray.

"Turning on his own kind," he muttered.  "Yeah, all right, that makes it personal.  I'm in."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on September 22, 2008, 11:21:27 PM
And then the world

"No," said X.

What?  Come on, just one

"No," said X.

Just a little

"No," said X.



Not even a

"No," said X.

Aw, fine.

----------------------------------------

Prower put his ear to the ground, brow still furrowed.  He stayed that way for 10 whole minutes.  And then 5 more.

"Whatareyoudoing?" Fortie finally asked.

"Don't be so fucking impatient!!!" Prower yelled, rising briefly to address the squirrel, then put his ear to the ground.  Another 20 minutes passed.

"Listeningforwha-"

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!  I'm listening for theme music."

"Thememu..."  Prower started to move, then stopped as Fortie did, "Imean... thememusic?"

"Yessss..." Prower hissed, "From your description, I am certain the perp has a... leitmotif, of a sort.  Sort of a Daaaah naa naa NAA... or a Woooo WOOOO woooooooo..."

"Ho!" Blaggar chimed in, "I get it, something like a... hoo hoohoohooHOO hoo HOO hoo, hoo hoo..."

"What was that?!?!?!"  Prower had leapt up and spun around on one foot (in one fluid motion) to face the bird.  "What was that... just now?"

Blaggar doubled back in surprised.  "I uh, I guess it was like... hoo hoohoohooHOO hoo HOO hoo, hoo hoo..."

"YOU IDIOT!!!" Prower burst out, stepping forward angrily and causing the other two animals to double back a few paces.  "You thrice-damned fools!  We're not looking for a frog!  We're looking for... for..."  Prower stared off into the distance for a moment, "Him."

It was silent for about 30 minutes.  Then.  "Himwho?"

Prower turned his back to the pair and narrowed his eyes.  Despite the fact that he wasn't facing them, they were well aware that he was narrowing his eyes.

"Him."  Prower rolled up his left sleeve to reveal his naked wrist.

"The one who stole my watch."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 23, 2008, 09:45:39 AM
Aniticlimax completed a spectacular triple-triple-triple double-gator flip and pounded the ground, sending cracks radiating from his blades like rapidly-growing cancer. Ninjas fell in by the dozens to be consumed in the earth's magma. The shockwave swept the rest off the lawn and over several buildings. He gained two experience and one AP.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on September 23, 2008, 01:07:34 PM
Sometimes, X had very long flashbacks.

----------------------------------------

"Part of me wants to ask why you're doing this," X said, "And part of me wants to know why you didn't do this years ago."

"You know what the cool thing about that is?  You can actually answer each question with the other one."

X shook his head.  That boy always did have a cheeky answer like that.

Not that Hedgehog X was so much of a boy anymore.  When he was born, he was physiologically 12 years old - a caveat that made sense at the time, since the choices were either that, or have to grow from an embryo in time to stop whatever vague threat he had been created to oppose.  The problem was, he was stuck that way... still a 12 year old, anthropomorphic boy, housing the mind and spirit of an increasingly embittered, cranky, and crusty old world-weary traveler.  It didn't help that he had been turned into, among other things, an incredibly bipolar robot and a singing candy machine, nor that he had been blown up, murdered, tortured, and forced to adjust his world view a comically routine number of times.

Things had gotten worse for him when, a few years ago, he realized that he was actually older than 12 years old now, and that his body was actively trapping him in a regressed state.  And most recently, he passed 18 years of age.  Hedgehog X was actually an adult, chronologically, but still couldn't reach things off the top shelf without a chair.  And his voice still cracked every once in a while.

Besides, Katestory was over.  Done with.  Finished.  Anything written afterwards would simply not count, as far as Hedgehog X was concerned.  And frankly, he himself was beginning to become something of an embarrassment.

In short, it was time for Hedgehog X to retire.

"Okay, yes, fine," X said, wishing he hadn't asked, "But why this thing where I have to have some sort of flashback to you every time there's a new chapter?"

"Oh, that's obvious isn't it?  Because I'm in every one of these."

Hedgehog X turned and waved his hand lazily in the air.  "See ya," he said, and got on the gray ship.

As X watched his friend sail away, beyond all possible realities and conclusions.  As he watched, Hedgehog X turned for the briefest moment.

He smiled one of those infuriating smiles, and never looked back again.



Then X suddenly realized something.

"HEDGEHOG X!" he shouted.  No answer.

"HEDGEHOG X!"

"...YOU WEREN'T IN BOOK ELEVEN!"

There was a long pause.  X heard him shout "Oh for the love of fuck!" before disappearing into the mists.

----------------------------------------

"He'll probably be back anyway one of these days," X said to himself, smiling.  "Better enjoy it while it lasts."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 23, 2008, 03:29:13 PM
The ship promptly exploded into a Bose-Einstein waveform. Several passengers were alarmed, but the quantum vibrations that the crew had become soothed them on a case-by-case basis, assuring them that everything was as normal for the ship as possible. X noted that his Bose Wave Radio sounded slightly tinny for the interim.

All right stop
Collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flowin like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop?
Yo--I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on September 23, 2008, 06:27:41 PM
Prower's ears twitched.

"It's him."

"Who?" asked Blaggar.

"I know this frog."

"Yousaidweweren'tlookingforafrog," Fortie said.

"We're not.  He's a pawn.  But damn -- a strong one.  This was going to be bad enough just because he had my watch.  But he's got a lot more than that to throw at us."

"Like what?" asked Blaggar.

"Magic sword, water spells...and have you ever heard of Frog Stomp?  The more we beat him up the stronger he'll get.  We need to take him down hard, fast, and without giving him a chance to hurt us.  ...Damn.  No choice, then.  He knew.  He knew this was going to happen."

"Who?" asked Blaggar.

----------------------------------------

Sometimes, Prower had very long flashbacks.

----------------------------------------

He was wiping down the grubby bar when he heard the door open.  Funny, he could have sworn he'd locked it.

"We're closed," he snarled, without looking up.  "We close at two.  We don't want any more visitors, customers, or fat, drunk barflies."

"What about very old friends?"

Miles stopped wiping and looked up.

A purple hedgehog stood in the doorway of the Two-Tailed Fox Nightclub.  He was carrying a bindle over his shoulder.

Miles's snarl increased.  "You."

"Me," acknowledged Hedgehog X, almost apologetically.

Miles went back to rubbing, faster this time.  "I'm retired."

"Don't tell X," Hedgehog X said with a smirk.  "Actually, I'm just on my way to see him.  You see, you've got it wrong.  I'M the one who's retiring.  You?  You don't get to retire."

Prower threw his rag in Hedgehog X's face.  "No.  No no no no no.  You want out?  Great.  One child soldier to another, we've earned a nice quiet life.  WE'VE earned a nice quiet life.  Don't drag me back into it just because you want out."

Hedgehog X shook the rag off his face.  "Not my choice," he responded.  "It's never been my choice.  We're puppets, Tails."

"Don't call me that!"

Hedgehog X unwrapped his bindle.

"No.  Not doing this," Prower continued to protest.

"I believe you've met my mom and dad," Hedgehog X said.  "And my mom and dad, and my mom and dad.  And...well, there are seven of them, so I can't really say 'my mom and dad' for the last one, but you get the idea."

"I won't take them!"

"You don't have a choice.  I'm sorry."

----------------------------------------

"Damn," said Prower.  "No choice, then.  He knew.  He knew this was going to happen."

----------------------------------------

TAILS HAS ALL THE SUPER EMERALDS
NOW TAILS CAN CHANGE INTO SUPER TAILS

----------------------------------------

Prower jumped into the air.  He began to glow bright yellow.  Fortie and Blaggar flanked him, as they started to glow too.  A third woodland creature -- let's say a Flicky -- flew in to complete the set.

They tore across the waste in the direction of the theme music.

"HE'S GOT A CROWN ON HIS HEAD," Prower shouted as they approached.  "AIM FOR THE CROWN, AIM FOR THE CROWN!"

"Gribbit," said Frog.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on September 23, 2008, 06:49:09 PM
Sometimes, Anticlimax had very short flashbacks.

----------------------------------------

Hedgehog X picked his nose.

----------------------------------------

"I know what I must do now," Anticlimax said, and got up off the couch.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 23, 2008, 07:03:57 PM
Wall-E drifted idly through space. His automatic sensors were all shut down, but a single input-only bridge-wave rectifier sensor set to detect short-wave radio frequencies watched quietly, waiting to awaken him should anything important happen. The twin fire extinguishers strapped to his back were full and ready to push him onto the first ship that happened by.

X flipped through the playlist on his nano looking for something sufficiently screamo to match his mood. The wireless speakers and Wall-E both picked up the laughable lyrics of AFI at the same moment.

Fifteen notes into the song a loud THUD resounded in his room. He looked up and spied the robot. "Hmm?"

"This is the captain speaking. We've left superspace and are now on a slow approach to Zeb IVN. Passengers may now activate personal electronics- KSSSHHHH---"

Wall-E's lasers cut through the hull like butter. He peeled back the surface of the ship and zoomed his oculars in on the forcefield keeping the oxygen inside the ship. "Waaaall-Eee"

Sometimes, Wall-E had very short flashbacks.

---------

Wall-E looked up as Eva approached. "Eva!" Eva dipped in greeting and actuated her hatch, revealing a glowing Artificial Chaos Emerald. She plopped it onto the ground and pointed up.

"Wall-E?" Eva nudged the crystal closer.

Wall-E picked it up and turned it over and over. "Wall-E." He shoved it into his hatch and lovingly took Eva's hand. After a nanosecond of affection he wheeled about and boarded his personal atmosphere escape pod. Looking out the window, he waved as the pod achieved ignition and was thrust into space by the force of an ultra tiny magnetically controlled antimatter explosion.

----------

X scratched his head. "What the hell do you want?"

"Wall-E!" Wall-E pushed the crystal against the shield. It popped through like a cork in water. X caught it and instantly felt the powerful chaos energy course into his arm and through his body.

DAMN

Gathering the energy into a tight field, X burst through the hull, rocketing back along the ship's course toward Earth. Once through the causality field he cut through a wormhole and dropped onto the planet's surface next to Kate.

"The hell?" Kate pushed Billy back and X held out the crystal. "If I take that you'll fall."

I KNOW THIS
IT IS NECESSARY
I HAVE SURVIVED WORSE


"Worse than spinning sawblades... I guess you have. Fine."

She wrapped her fingers around it and the building instantly became see-through. Spotting Cheney, she rocketed up and burst through his bloated body like a hot mole, leaving a large donut of flesh behind. She burst from the White House roof and scanned the area.

Prower, Blaggar, Fortie and the Flicka, who's name was Steve, rushed by and she ran to catch up.

"What's going on?"

"Tying up loose ends."

"Ah. Where next?"

"Look out for a frog with a sword."

They streaked across the ground, the atmosphere nearly catching fire with the torrent of their passing.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 23, 2008, 07:09:59 PM
Guildenstern frowned.

While you were typing a new reply has been posted...

He shrugged and clicked "Submit."

...

"Blah blah... ...very short flashbacks. Dammit, Brent, you joke-stealing pisshead."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on September 23, 2008, 08:23:35 PM
39... 38... 37...

Prower parried Frog's sword strikes with his bare hands because, dude, Chaos Emeralds.  He knew, however, that his time was limited, and he had to finish it singularly and decisively, lest a giant frog get summoned out of fucking nowhere and obliterate him.

29... 28... 27...

"Not much time now..."  He thought to himself, then immediately took off past Frog.  Prower built up speed as he made a complete circuit of the planet, completing his circumnavigation in about 20 seconds.

9... 8... 7...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFtw7qW7Vcw
...Or something to that effect.  Except Frog didn't explode.  Just the crown.  When the smoke cleared, a powered-down Prower was standing over an unconcious Frog, lighting a cigar.

Anticlimax came running up, half-tripping on the 21 belts and 6 zippers that now made up his 'pants' in massive quotation marks.

"huff...puff...I'm HERE!"

He collapsed in exhaustion.

---------------------------------------------------
Sometimes, Adam had very horrible flashbacks.
---------------------------------------------------
"Oh god, this is like Katestory XIV, except back then I hadn't glommed on to Thad's silly injoke and failed completely in contributing.  Except now I can't fall back on that."

The Median Effect swirled around Adam, ripping the flesh from his body.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on September 23, 2008, 08:25:41 PM
Prower dropped a few cigar ashes on top of his fallen foe.

"Vell zis vas a dizappointment!" he said.

Brent then nodded to himself, feeling he had done his duty as the only TF2 player writing.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 23, 2008, 09:34:29 PM
Suddenly Girard appeared and sliced Prower's head clean off. The noble fox dropped to the earth, a still-smoking stogie clamped in his tensed jaw.





Into the silence that followed Girard injected his trademark laugh, gleefully beheading Blaggar, Fortie, Steve and Kate in a series of lightning-quick, zippy, black shadow movements.





-----------------

"What?" Thad thumped the table soundly with the butt of the gun. *BANG*

SoraCross slumped to the floor, a gaping hole in his forhead.

"Er, whoops." Thad took a long pull from his backup bottle of whiskey. "Whatever."

Brentai dropped to all-fours and started lapping up the blood.

------------------

Anticlimax whiffed at the spot Girard had just emptied. Girard laughed again and raised a fist, beginning the summon spell that would end the world. Anticlimax huffed and raced after him, only to bounce off a field of evil energy being generated by Girard's aura.

The impotent Anticlimax planted his sword and sat, double-lotus style, to meditate.

George W. Bush snapped the final piece into the Rubik's Cube and a golden light radiated from it, suffusing everything and blinding the cameraman, named Meta McCarthy, who later denied his own existence when questioned.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on September 23, 2008, 10:00:17 PM
And then the world exploded.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on September 23, 2008, 10:25:58 PM
"Damn!" Kate shouted, dusting herself off.  He casually pulled out her map, licked her finger, and put out the infinitesimally small fire that had started on it.  "I thought we had that one."

"Would have been nice," X intoned unenthusiastically.  "So where to next, oh fearless leader?"

"I dunno.  You decide."

Kate laid the seven-dimensional map down for X to see.  It was a bit hard for the other hangers-on to see, but X being a rather upgraded robot and Kate being magical existential demi-somethingorother, they got along fine.

"Here, this one looks nice," X said, pointing, "EP.  1218.  Says here it's got a..."

"Er," Kate butted in, "We can't go there."

"Why not?"

"No," Kate said.

"Just to

"No," Kate said.

"Not even a

"No," Kate said.

"Fine. We'll go to EP 1219 then."

"Right then," Kelly said, picking the map up and straining to read it.  "EP 1219... The Universe of Lame Final Fantasy References."

"You know, I think we may have already been there..."

Kelly touched the map, and they all teleported away.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 24, 2008, 01:55:25 PM
Girard giggled to himself as he casually ticked off yet another dimensional hub of sentience from a similar map with a big fat red pen. He frowned and started to connect the dots...


(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/img/connect_dots_3.gif)

"HA HA ahaha ha haha hahaha ahaha hahaha haahah! Tale ssspin!"
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on September 24, 2008, 02:59:17 PM
Adam stared at the Katestory unfolding before him.

"I fully expected SoraCross to be the one making a mess of things, not Guild."

A drunken Thad paraded around behind him with his pants down at his ankles, waving empty tequila bottle in one hand and the pistol in the other, singing merrily.

Adam closed his eyes and smiled as he chuckled evilly.

----

Out of the maelstrom of another Median Effect, our plucky heroes popped out of the dimensional warp and in to the Universe of Lame Final Fantasy References.  Immediately, Cyan ran by, chased by Gau who was screaming "THOU THOU!  THOU THOU!  THOU THOU!"

It was a simple Banal Douglas Adams Reference and Tim Curry prancing by in a teddy from being a true Katestory.

(fucking post button being right next to preview)

Kelly looked at Kate.  Kate looked back at her.  "What?"

Kelly blinked. "Didn't Girard just kill you by chopping your head off?"

Kate coughed as she indicated the storm of the Median Effect that they had just been spat out from.

"Oh, right."  Kelly deadpanned.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on September 25, 2008, 08:15:14 AM
Douglas Adams and Tim Curry pranced by in their PJs, for good measure.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on September 27, 2008, 02:48:40 PM
And then a naked Ambiguously Gay Greg popped out of a giant novelty cake that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY THAD" on it.

Guildenstern :justasplanned:'d.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on September 29, 2008, 01:03:26 AM
"Hi, Greg," Thad said, slowly, brow slightly furrowed.  "It's been awhile.  ...I live in your old room now."

"I brought you this," said Greg.  "It's a clue."

Thad took a photo out of Greg's hand, and his eyes widened slightly.  "Huh.  I haven't seen this since..."

----------------------------------------

1997.  Taysom's class.

"Smile," said Greg.

Thad smiled.  Greg took the picture.

They took a look at the image as it came up on screen.  "Whoa, that's kinda cool.  Wonder what happened there?"

"I like it," Thad pronounced, retrieving a floppy from his binder.  "I'm going to keep it."

He saved the inexplicably-colored image to his disk.  There was nothing unusual about the camera or the program settings; the next photo came out normally.

----------------------------------------

(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/negativethad.png)

Thad eyeballed the negative photo -- that's what he called it in his head, even though it really wasn't; inverting the colors led to an equally strange color scheme.  "I always liked that one.  A clue, eh?  Well, thanks, Greg.  Huh...1997."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on October 03, 2008, 11:04:37 PM
A hooded figure stood, rain and wind battering around his dark cloak, staring at the figure directly in front of him.  The figure was also darkly cloaked and hooded, and was staring back.  The first dude opened his mouth to speak.

"Blah blah blah, Katestory blah," he said.

"Blah blah blah, Plot and Logic blah!" the second figure replied.

"Blah blah blah?"

"Blah."

And then the world exploded.

----------------------------------------

"We're ba-ack!" Kate shouted, throwing open the double-doors to the castle.  Locke, Cyan and Celes looked over their shoulders with disgust.

"You guys again.  Leave us the hell alone," Locke hissed.

"No can do, little buddy," X replied, walking over casually and patting Locke on the shoulder.  Locke winced.  That one had never quite healed right.

"We've found a way to restore this plotline," Kate said.

"And how's that?" Locke asked noncommitantly.

"By ignoring it aggressively!" Kate said, pointing her finger in the air for dramatic effect, "And starting a new subplot with, oh I dunno... Anticlimax.  Ta!"

X and Kate disappeared.  Locke, Celes and Cyan blinked.

"Cyan?" asked Celes.

"Yes, milady?"

"What are you doing in our bedroom, anyway?"

Cyan excused himself.

----------------------------------------

Anticlimax rode his horse merrily alongside his donkey-mounted sidekick, Coitus Interruptus.  He was so merry, in fact, that he broke out into a little song.


Hear me now, oh thou constantly ex-ploding world,
you are now gonna listen to me!
For this man with his mustache so gallantly twirled
has now taken o'er this story!

I am I, Anticlimax!
The hero for hire!
My destiny calls and I go!

And with unfailing courage
I press ever onward
Even though I really blow!


And they both sang thus:


Even though we really blow!
Now we're the stars of this show!


"Mustache so gallantly twirled?" said Coitus Interruptus, glancing sideways at his master.

"I didn't want to spend too much time on that one," Anticlimax admitted.  "But enough!  Forsooth!  Adventure awaits!"

"And what adventure would that be, oh lord?"

Anticlimax pointed ahead, "Yonder lies a castle, wherein deeply ensconced is the Magic Pencil, an artifact capable of rewriting, or in this case fixing..."

"We did this one before," interrupted Interruptus.

"Beg pardon?"

"Magic Pencil.  Castle.  We did..."

"Nono, dear squire, that was a Crystal Ball."

"But..."

"We must find the Pencil!" Anticlimax shouted at the top of lungs.  "Onward!"  And Anticlimax's horse jumped gracefully off the lungs and galloped forward, heedless of the obvious trap ahead...
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on October 04, 2008, 07:15:39 AM
Meanwhile, Kate, X, Billy, and Kelly were standing on a raft on Lete River.  It kept going around and around in circles.


Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.
Kate attacked.
X fired the Chameleon Laser, hitting all enemies.
Billy attacked.
Kelly used health.  Everyone's HP was restored.

"Alright, so we're level 99 now.  Now what?" X asked.

"We find Girard and figure out what he's up to.  Plus, kick his dick in, I guess." Kate said as they stepped off the raft near the crazy old man's house.

"Any ideas?" Billy said as he looked down at the dimensional map.

Kelly ran off away from the party and cast Ultima on a squirrel, who subsequently exploded.

"Well, being that Girard is a flaming idiot, I gather he could be in one of two places.  PA 1034, The Dimension Made Entirely of Bees, AKA THE PAIN, or PC 3920, The Dimension Of Super Heroes.  If he were there, he'd probably be in Paragon City." Kate traced lines on the map as she spoke.

"Bees suck.  Let's go to the other place."  X intoned. 

Generational PTSD from giant robotic bees dropping bee-launching hives on Mega Man struck X suddenly.

Kate touched the map and they were whisked away.

---

Anticlimax and Coitus Interruptus watched the scene unfold.

"Wait, wait, what?  They're ignoring us again!"  Coitus shouted.

"Dude.  Katestory."  Anticlimax deadpanned.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on October 04, 2008, 10:58:02 AM
Thad looked up.  Greg was still there, naked, in his birthday cake.

"So," Thad said, "Is there, um, anything else you needed?"

"Not really," Greg said.

There was a pause.

"So," Thad said, "Are you, um, done here?"

"Pretty much," Greg said.

There was another pause.

"So," Thad said, "What are you, um, still doing here?"

There was a third pause.

"We never talk anymore, Thaddeus," whined the naked Ambiguously Gay Greg.

"Oh for Fome's sake..." Thad mumbled.

----------------------------------------

"EAT SHIT AND DIE!" screamed Crazy Willy.

There was a pause.

"Oh, no," X grumbled, "Why are you here?"

"Because I'm popular!" Crazy Willy said.

There was another pause.  X found it necessary to blink.

"Uhh... you can't... you can't say anything other than EAT SHIT AND DIE, can you?"

"Maybe not," Crazy Willy said, nodding, "But I am popular."

"Wait a minute!" Kate ejaculated, "That's not Crazy Willy at all!  It's..."

Crazy Willy took off his disguise to reveal...

"JIMMY!" both X and Kate screamed.

"Er, no.  Jojo the Flipping Elf," said Jojo the Flipping Elf.  "Man, we can't even keep our running gags straight any more, can we?"

"Sure can't," X said, and killed Jojo the Flipping Elf with a blast from his X-Buster.  He turned to Kate.

"Well that was precisely the level of continuity we've been trying to avoid," he said.  "What's next?"

"Well," Kate sighed, looking around, "It looks like we've made a mistake.  We've somehow landed in the Dimension of Lame Katestory references."

"What?"  X found it necessary to blink again.  "But we're always..."

"Yeah, I know," Kate deadpanned.  "This is going to be awful."

----------------------------------------

Anticlimax spurred on his horse.

"Come, squire!" he cried, "There is still a chance to start a subplot relatively free of injokes and self-references!"

"I'm beginning to doubt that, sir," whined Coitus Interruptus, "But it would be a nice change of pace.  I don't even know who that Crazy Jojo Elf Guy was supposed to be."

"Best you don't dwell on it, my young Padawan.  But ho!  There be a yonder hamlet, whereupon we should chance a wayhouse whereto we canst repast our..."

Coitus Interruptus hit Anticlimax in the back of the head.  Anticlimax growled and rubbed the sore spot where he had been hit, then looked at his sidekick.

"My undefined period-speech was getting out of control again, wasn't it?" he hissed.

"Oh yeah," said Coitus Interruptus, "Big time."

They rode on.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on October 04, 2008, 11:40:46 AM
Lord Fenwick "Fig" Minton sat before the fire, drumming his fingers slowly on his empty wineglass.

"I had something, Jones," he intoned.  "I lost it."

"Wine," Jones responded.  "I'll get you another glass."

"No.  Well, yes, actually, please do.  But no.  I lost something.  Something important."

"So you say, Milord," said Jones gently as he took Minton's glass.  "So you continue to say."

Minton threw up his arms in a sudden excess of emotion.  He grabbed a book from the table beside his chair.

"Look at this, will you!" he cried, flipping rapidly through the pages.  They were blank.  "What does this tell you?"

"That it's an empty diary," Jones responded.

"Yes!" cried Minton.  "But you see, it wasn't before!  This was my diary!  It wasn't empty before!  I--I can't even remember what was in it, Jones.  I've lost my past."  He collapsed in his chair.

Jones sighed.  He hated to see his lord in such a state.  "Please, Sir, have another glass of wine."

Taptaptaptap.

Minton shot up.  Seldom did anyone knock on the old manor door.

Jones opened the door to find two weary-looking adventurers.

"Can we, ah...use your bathroom?" asked Anticlimax.

----------------------------------------

"...and so," Anticlimax continued, as they sat around the fire with Lord Minton, "we seek to pass through the Obvious Trap and make our way to the Magic Pencil."

"Magic Pencil?"  Fig shot up again.  "Jones!  Do you see what this means?"

Jones sighed.

"Jones, get my coat!"

Jones sighed more deeply as he walked to the closet.  "Must I come along, Milord?  It seems to me this group already has a Sancho Panza."

"I enjoy your company, Jones," Fig responded, "but do as you will.  My empty diary, my missing past...I must do this, Jones.  This Magic Pencil will restore me!"

----------------------------------------

The locals called him Derek the Derelict.  He had a head of wispy white hair and a mouth untouched by modern dentistry, and he would stand on street corners, jabbering animatedly and waving a book in the air.  Sometimes he would pointedly jab his finger at it, as if it contained all the answers.

It did not.  In fact, it did not contain anything at all.  Like Fig Minton's diary, its pages were blank.

This was, perhaps, why, beyond the occasional and highly inappropriate cry of "WHORE!", nobody could ever understand a word that Derek the Derelict said.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on October 04, 2008, 07:24:52 PM
"A Gaulish warrior, and some sort of midget roman person," Jones said to the mysterious figure.  The figure was, in clear violation of the trope, not at all shadowy.  However, Jones couldn't make out any details of the man because he was covered in bees.

"I see," said the man.  "The Gaul is the one we're looking for... at least, I think he's a Gaul.  We never did get a very detailed description of him."  The man coughed.  "Was he, ah, somewhat boring?"

"He was very... straightforward," Jones said, "I suppose that counts."

"Very well," said the man, as he noncommitantly threw a pouch of gold into Jones' awaiting hands.  "Thank you.  You may go back to your master now."

"Ah, well, one more thing," Jones added, a little nervously, "When my master heard they were going after the Magic Pencil, he insisted on following.  He's got this sort of... memory-journal-erasure-curse, you see."  Jones waggled his hand for effect.

"Ah, yes.  Well, I suppose he would naturally have to have a curse like that to live here."  The man sighed.  "I suppose you would like us to not harm him?"

"If you'd kindly..."

"Very well.  But remember this, if you get it into your head to follow after and warn our quarry..."  The man leaned in and growled menacingly.  "I'm covered in bees."

"Y... yes," Jones said, trembling, "Yes indeed you are.  Covered in bees.  They're... very nice.  Where'd you get them?"

"Never you mind," the man said, turning to leave, "This meeting is over."  As if to make a point, the bees covering him all started buzzing threateningly.  Jones got it, and ran off.

"Well," the man said to his companion, "If they're going that way, then the Obvious Trap should take care of him.  But still... we should go and make sure, shouldn't we?"

"Yes," said the woman, stepping out of the shadows from where she too was being a mysterious figure.  "Yes we... dear God.  Do you know you're covered in bees?"
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Cannon on October 07, 2008, 03:46:08 PM
"Yeah," said the man.

----------------------------------------

"I'm just... I'm gonna' find a towel. Unless you swallowed your wallet, I'm going to assume you don't have money for a cab, Greg." Thad got up and stepped into the bathroom, whereupon he tossed the wrap at the fellow without subjecting his eyes to more punishment.

"Well, actually..."

"There's no great hurry or need to finish that response, Greg."

----------------------------------------

Some hours passed, but Anticlimax pushed the party onward, solely because he was aware of the Obvious Trap and was eager to spring it. He was clear on informing both Minton and Coitus of this, which got annoying when Minton would forget it after five minutes and had to be reminded. Sometime before they happened upon the clear, quiet, and strategically ideal spot for the upcoming ambush, Minton spoke up after his latest episode of falling off his steed - having just then forgotten how to ride.

After screaming in panic and running for home for fear that he had been kidnapped, Anticlimax strapped him to his horse after attaching a note to the end of a stick and positioning it in front of Minton's face. They both rolled their eyes and silently knew that this made getting the Pencil that much more pressing.

Coitus Interruptus suddenly pointed out that the Obvious Trap wasn't being sprung. Befuddled, they looked around before moving on. After traveling down the road a piece, they heard yelling and turned around. The assassins, having been on their coffee break and wanting to make up for lost time, had leapt from the woods and were busy killing themselves out of confusion. Anticlimax shrugged, while Coitus gave Minton mouth-to-mouth when his body forgot to take in breath.

----------------------------------------

"Exactly how can you consistently stop the bees from stinging you to death? I don't even see you using smoke or anything."

The man sighed, and a colony or two took wing and swarmed the woman. As she rolled around and screamed in agony, he non-chalantly went on his way to generally be a dick to Anticlimax and crew. Presumably.

hyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphenhyphen

Who was responsible for the page inflation? Simo Belmo knew. But he was too drunk to be arsed about it.

----------------------------------------

Derek the Derelict soiled himself. Plot was thinking about doing something with him, but just kept right on walking instead.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on October 17, 2008, 08:26:42 PM
"...So did we make it to the right universe this time?" asked Kate, who it turned out was easy to recreate in the CoH Character Creator.
(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/coh-kate-handsup.png)

X, who was not, looked down at the half-assed reproduction of his body.
(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/coh-x-posing.png)
"Oh, I'LL say we did."

Girard, whose model had gotten a slight makeover and now had actual flaming hair instead of just giant red hair, cursed.
(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/coh-girard-flex.png)
"Blast!  I am found out!"

He bolted down an alley, looking over his shoulder to see how close the pursuit was.  Not watching where he was going, he collided with the brick wall of a large building with a banner reading "JERKHAUS".  He collapsed, dazed, the flames from his hair licking at the wall and blackening it a bit.  It was blackening.  A bit.

----------------------------------------

It was the Third Annual Circle of Jerks Oktoberfest Event, and they had hung a banner with a playfully Germanic spelling of their base's name across its front.

The Frivolous Suit, wearing his orange vest over lederhosen (or the closest thing Thad could produce using the CoH Character Creator),
(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/coh-suit-lederhosen-dance.png)
was presently having a vigorous debate with Tiny Activist about whether or not dances could be copyrighted and what sort of royalties a celebrant would have to pay the choreographer to engage in them.

None of them heard the thump of Girard's skull on the wall.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on October 22, 2008, 12:48:45 PM
Gok started puffing on a pipe.

"Let's take a look at the clues, shall we?

"We'll start with the one explicitly stated to be a clue (http://brontoforum.us/index.php?topic=1243.msg29491#msg29491): a strangely-colored photo of Thad from 1997.

"In fact, the post says '1997' twice.  What's important about 1997?"

----------------------------------------

It was a typical, cheerful day.  Explosions rocked the city skyline, signaling another invasion by berserk robots.  It was the sort of thing that happened so often that the locals ignored it; they were simply going about their business, most of them riding the subway to work.

Three mounted figures, however, were, unlike the locals, NOT on their way to work.  They were mounted.  And there were three of them.

----------------------------------------

"Now," continued Gok, "What was it Thad said when he last updated his KateStory page?"

16 (http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/16.html) is up, with corresponding updates to the index (http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/index.html) and character guide (http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/characters.html).

"But Thad!" you may say.  "Isn't it a little early to be finishing the updates?  The eleventh anniversary is still almost three weeks away!  How will you celebrate it now?"

Don't worry.  I have a plan.

----------------------------------------

The Temple was in a central park, actually, but due to a mystic field surrounding it, it presented the feeling to its visitors of being enclosed.  Mystic alterations of visitors' senses were what the Temple was all about.

----------------------------------------

"ELEVENTH anniversary," Gok repeated.

----------------------------------------

The Statues were, themselves, strange objects whose appearance varied depending on one's perception.  At the forefront of them was a statue of Stefanie [...] hoisting a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; she was flanked on her left side by Thad Boyd holding a copy of Final Fantasy 6, and on her left was the Statue of Brent Roberts, hoisting a cow skyward.  Behind her were the Lesser Gods, headed by Steve, Kazz, and Adam, but they're not even remotely important at this point so I'm not going to make up whatever it was they were holding yet.

Yet, when one moved a step, or blinked, or simply willed it to be so, the Statues' appearance changed.  Stefanie [...] with the Guide became Kate Chaos with her flaming green hand; Brent Roberts with the cow was Hedgehog X hoisting Maleophonix the Singing Candy Machine; Thad Boyd with FF6 was suddenly Mega Man X saluting with his X-Buster.

In front of the statues was a small dais.  On it sat a marble-cover notebook and a mechanical pencil.  It was to this that the aforementioned riders rode.

----------------------------------------

"Today," said Gok, "is not the KateStory's eleventh anniversary.  It's the KateStory's FOURTEENTH anniversary.  Eleven years ago -- why, that would be 1997 again, wouldn't it?"

----------------------------------------

Anticlimax dismounted his horse and seized the Magic Pencil.  He opened the notebook and began scribbling furiously.

----------------------------------------

"And then those two new characters who showed up in the same chapter," Gok continued.  "The ones carrying books with empty pages.  One of them couldn't remember anything..."

----------------------------------------

"I remember," breathed Lord Minton.  "I'm remembering everything!"

----------------------------------------

"...and the other who spouted incomprehensible gibberish."

----------------------------------------

":(�"<:�0���07���b," raved Derek the Derelict.  "�t@���X@fb@���@rn@d`t`jtdj@����������Z���Y�+{�c Ks�C ��+�!" he shouted.  "I�zj���i���ji�J���]��#�B�E%*ou stupid loser people open up your horribly written and uninformitive Pascal books to page 3-42!  We're going to learn how to do for do loops now!"

Passersby stopped and turned their heads as Derek the Derelict began to say things that made sense.

"Something that makes sense, dammit!" he shouted.  He jabbed his finger, once again, to the book he was holding.  It was no longer empty.

"Let's fire up the ol' Innerosseter!"

----------------------------------------

Gok smirked.  "So you see, Thad's big anniversary surprise is...he's recovered KateStory IX (http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/09.txt)!"

Nobody gasped!  Everybody had figured that out paragraphs ago!

----------------------------------------

"The timestream has finally been corrected," Janey intoned.

----------------------------------------

"My God," said Hedgehog X, as his escape pod approached the Monolith.  "It's full of stars!"

----------------------------------------

Thad punched Bill Gates in the face, bought Dean Trower a beer, and said "Happy birthday" to KateStory.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRAGH!" said KateStory.

----------------------------------------

There was a buzzing sound.

"As fun as that was," said a mysterious figure from the shadows, "it's probably best we advance the plot before hitting the Post button."  He stepped out of the shadows.  He was covered in bees.

Anticlimax looked at Bee Man, then went back to furiously scribbling in the book.

"Oh no you don't!" shouted Bee Man.  "Bees, ATTACK!"  Bees swarmed Anticlimax.

"BEES!" shouted Anticlimax.  "BEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

Cotius Interruptus saw an object lying on the Temple floor.  It was a cigarette lighter on a stick.  He lunged for it.

Bee Man lobbed a grenade at Coitus.  It exploded, and he found himself covered in a swarm of insects.

"Feel the power," said Bee Man, "of my TERMITE GRENADE."

Everybody groaned.

"That's enough of that, OLD FRIEND," Lord Minton said icily.  "Yes, that's right.  I've got my memory back.  And I know who you are.  You're...you're..."

Everybody gasped!  Oh my Fuck!

"I haven't said who he is yet," said Lord Minton reproachfully.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on October 22, 2008, 08:20:53 PM
Bee Man willed the bees to depart from his body, revealing a short, purplish hedgehog.

Hedgehog X 'tsked' and waggled his finger, then turned to look at his effigy.  "I always hated that thing."  He looked back at Anticlimax, Coitus Interruptus, and Lord Minton.

"What makes you think that you can comprehend the power of this, the gods of this universe?"

Anticlimax's 42 zippers jingled as he pointed at Hedgehog X.  "Mine name is Anticlimax!  Glenn's hopes and dreams, and now the Masamune..."

He pulled the holy blade and electroluminescent wristwatch from out of nowhere, quickly strapped it on and hit the Indiglo button.  The blade began to glow.  He raised it to the sky and it began to shoot out a beam of holy energy.

"Forthwith I shall slay you and restore hon--"

Apparently, the shiny beam of holy energy knocked loose something in Ghod's kitchen, because a fairly large cooking wok fell out of the sky and landed squarely on Anticlimax's head, knocking him unconcious.

---

Meanwhile, in Paragon City...

Inazuma Blast, the Circle of Jerks public affairs officer, was drafting a script for the CEO's 'State of the Planet' radio address, which was given very infrequently.  She rubbed her eyes as Male Man, cheeks slightly flushed, sauntered up behind her and tried to put the moves on her.  Very swiftly, she placed her palm under her opposite arm, facing back toward Male Man, and fired a beam of concussive energy that launched him about twenty feet away, across the hall, in to the Chapel of Mario, where he collapsed in a heap of broken pews.

Inazuma Blast heaved a heavy sigh and turned back to her work, when suddenly, the wall opposite her burst open with flames crackling around the broken bricks.

Girard cackled madly and charged headfirst toward Inazuma.  She sprang in to the air and sailed over Girard as he barreled through the desk she had been sitting at.  She turned and fired a volley of energy bullets at him, which deflected away.  Inazuma grunted and focused, swing her arm in a reverse circular motion, sending a wave of energy toward the floor, striking Girard and knocking him back toward the Chapel of Mario.  Inazuma dropped to the floor and snatched up the device she seldom went anywhere without: A Long-Range Missile Launcher.  She shouldered the device, took aim, and pulled the trigger.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on October 22, 2008, 10:19:16 PM
As rocket after rocket piled into Girard the sound of chaos reached the roving hoards of bored superheroes beating up homeless people outside. They began to pile in, asking who'd spawned. Over 9000 heroes entered the hole in the building, and Vegetafan004 shouted something that was lost in the sea of emote bubbles and poorly spelled questions. To say he felt cheated would be an understatement.

"How did you all get into this instance?" Inazuma raged as she blasted Girard again and again, little realizing that the force of her attack was what had opened the hole into the instance.

The crowd ignored her, as one locking onto Girard with every imaginable power available to them. Healers formed a ring around the assembly, green numbers sparkled everywhere, and Girard's health dropped...

...Girard looked at the numbers appearing over his head. 22. 12. 22. 42. 36. He glanced at the top left corner of his vision and saw his health bar. 12,442,814/12,441,357

He took a step out of the crater being created by his body as the force of a million bullets and other powerful projectiles slammed into him.

"Ha ha ho ho hee ha hee ho ho ha ha ha."

He clapped once. Twice. A third time.

The room became silent, then a massive purple wave of force blinked from the space around Girard's feet.

"WHAT THE F-"

Before the level 32 controller could finish his sentence, everyone in the room was dead except a taxi who'd stepped in out of curiosity. She meeped and ran out. Inazuma cursed and decided to log.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: sei on October 22, 2008, 10:27:53 PM
(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/katestory/coh-kate-handsup.png)
Why are Luigshe's legs so long?
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on October 22, 2008, 10:49:03 PM
Piling another layer of symbolism onto the recovery story, Thad had just had his watchband replaced after going watchless for a week.

Frog approved, and said:

"The band is leather, treated chemic'ly
Resistant t'water.  Wrist no longer bare,
Illuminate the darkness with thy watch."

Everyone stared at Thad.

"...yeah, that was a bit I meant to put in my last chapter but forgot.  That's all I got."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on October 22, 2008, 10:50:01 PM
Luigshe

That's Mama Luigi to you!
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Kazz on October 23, 2008, 02:14:33 AM
Gok Tinnik lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.  He wondered if he'd ever be good for anything except figuring out tremendously complicated conspiracies and butt sex.

Then, he sat bolt upright.  Of course!  He was a tremendous frycook, back in the dimension of horror!

A look of disappointment crossed his face as he realized that the creatures that he once battered up and served did not exist on this plane.  However... if he could somehow go back, he may be able to serve those demonic treats here in (what passes for) reality!

Thinking hard, he came up with a plan for returning.  It was utterly insane, which made him suppose that it had an excellent chance of working.  Walking to his apartment window, he opened it, and after taking a deep breath, he launched himself outside.

Plummeting toward the street at surprising speed, he stayed conscious just long enough to attempt to divide by zero.

When he awoke, he noted happily that colors tasted wrong.  Then he went grocery shopping.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on October 30, 2008, 12:53:01 PM
"BEHOLD, COWARD!!!!!!"

"What?" said Girard, and then turned around quickly as a giant robot crashed through the wall.  This was odd as there were no more walls left to crash through, but Ministar Prime managed to do it anyway.  Because he was fucking Ministar Prime.

The giant robot glared down at Girard.  It was as tall and as thick as the character editor allowed, and most importantly, it was on fire.

"Are you threatening me?" Girard sneered hyperactively, a trademark feat.  "You have no idea how powerful I am!  Taste my fiyah!!!"

Girard laughed, put his hands together, and fired a massive stream of flame which encompassed the towering mecha.  Ministar Prime stood stoically and took it all, showing no signs of damage.  Girard's jaw dropped.  The flames on his head drooped comically.  "What?  I set you on fire!  You should be melted to a puddle of slag!"

"COWARD!"  Ministar Prime boomed thematically, "I'm always on fire!  It's basically my only power."

"Oh," Girard said thoughtfully, "Er, mine too, actually.  Guess we're both screwed, then, huh?"

"Oh, wait," Ministar Prime added, curling his giant hand into a fist, "I've got super robot strength too.  Forgot about that."

"Aw, crap..."

"SUCK IT, COWARD!!!" Ministar Prime bellowed as his massive metal fist crashed spectacularly into Girard's face.  A number appeared over Girard's head.

1

"What?" Girard sputtered laughing, "One damage?  Jeez, what level are you, man?"

Ministar Prime hunched down.  "Um," he muttered, "Like 24.  I haven't played this game in years."

"Dude, I've got 12,441,356 HP.  How the hell do you think you're going to take me down like that?"

"Well..."  Ministar Prime's visor then lit up menacingly.  "You can't hurt me.  Do you have any healing or travel powers, coward?"

"Errr... no."

Ministar Prime raised his mighty... well, his impressively large fist once again.  "So all I have to do is punch you 12,441,356 more times, then."

"Wait!  Wait!"  Girard threw up his hands, a look of panic on his face.  "Won't you get tired?"

"I'm a robot."

"Aww, spoon."

"BEHOLD!!!"

Fisto.

----------------------------------------

"Hey, I just realized something," Hedgehog X said, "What happened to the Obvious Trap?"

"The assassins?" asked Coitus Interruptus, shrugging, "We passed them already?"

"What?  No, that wasn't the Trap.  Where's..."

"There you are, Hedgie!" cried a delighted voice from the shadows.

"Oh God NO..."

Before he could move, Hedgehog X was pounced by a lion.  A disfigured lion wearing a two-piece swimsuit.  "I've been waiting for you all this time," he/it crooned, "There's no escape this time."

"For the love of all the made up deities in this story!  Somebody help me!" HX screamed as he was dragged off by the Obvious Trap.

Lord Minton shrugged.  "Well, that takes care of that, I guess."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on November 07, 2008, 12:56:01 PM
Frog had been through quite an ordeal, and now he had retreated to his home for some well-deserved R&R.  He reclined in his favorite easy chair, sipped a Dogfish Head, and channel-surfed.

*CLICK* Bear Grylls was eating bugs again.  This made Frog want a sandwich.
*CLICK* Something poorly-animated with annoying voices.
*CLICK* The news.  A skeletal visage appeared.  Frog spit out his beer in shock.

"He lives! He lives!  The monster haunts me still!"

----------------------------------------

"Any fours?" asked Anticlimax.

"Go fish," responded Coitus Interruptus.

A ring appeared, and Frog stepped out of it.

"My sword, my friend.  I hope it served thee well,
but I have bus'ness to attend, and must
needs ask you to return it to me now."

"...Kay," said Coitus.

Frog took the Masamune, nodded, saluted, and stepped back through the ring.

----------------------------------------

The saw blades were still, and the lights were out as Glenn approached Cheney's lair.  It was quiet...a little TOO quiet.

He crossed the long bridge, a shadow against shadows, the wind howling in his ears with perhaps just a hint of his theme music on it.

He opened the large doors, crossed through the large, empty corridor, into an office room.  A desk stood in front of him, a chair behind it, with its back to him.

The chair slowly turned.  Cheney sat in it, his hands steepled and doing the Evil Villain Hand Thing.

Frog croaked,
"Deceiver! Manipulator of minds!
I saw you die.  Why do you haunt me now?"

"Is that important?" asked Cheney.  "Yes...to you, I suppose it is.  Long ago, on a rooftop, you saw Richard Cheney destroyed -- blasted through his midsection by a Chaos Child with a Chaos Emerald!  You saw me die!

"But they found me..." he continued.  "My people found me...my pieces...

"Halliburton is very resourceful...and has knowledge of a great many skills.  Some from the time of legends and myth...some from the time of logic and science.  Together...all things are possible.

"Imagine a creature of our Earth -- a worm.  Small, blind, useless...but it eats.

"And from what it eats, it learns, and adapts its own cells' structures.  Others eat from the same dish, and join together, taking on a completely different form.  This colony becomes a different being!

"They ate, and began to think and act as one...from one structure...one being.  I stood...GROTESQUE...ALIVE!!  My LUST for VENGEANCE, my HATRED for you -- STRONGER than BEFORE!!

"...But now...the waiting is over."

Cheney stood.  He drew two katana.  Frog hefted the Masamune.

"Thou creature foul, thou aberration black,
I will destroy you, of this certain be.
Now you shall burn, thou motherfucker -- burn!"

The Masamune glowed as Frog leapt forward.  Cheney crossed his swords over his head and parried, then kneed Frog in his frog nads.

"I cannot die!"

Frog wheezed:
"Indeed you can -- and rest assured you will!"

Cheney swiped at him; Frog bounded out of reach.

"TIME -- TO -- DIE!" Cheney shouted.

Suddenly Joseph Lieberman rose up, drawing a hidden knife, and then with a snarl like a dog he sprang on Cheney's back, jerked his head back, cut his throat, and with a yell ran off down the corridor.  Before Frog could recover or speak a word, a crossbow twanged and Lieberman fell dead.

To the dismay of those that stood by, about the body of Cheney a gray mist gathered, and rising slowly to a great height like smoke from a fire, as a pale shrouded figure it loomed over the castle.  For a moment it wavered, looking to the West; but out of the West came a cold wind, and it bent away, and with a sigh dissolved into nothing.

Frog looked down at the body with pity and horror, for as he looked it seemed that long years of death were suddenly revealed in it, and it shrank, and the shrivelled face became rags of skin upon a hideous skull.  Lifting up the skirt of the dirty cloak that sprawled beside it, he covered it over, and turned away.

"And that's the end of that," said Marle.  "A nasty end, and I wish I needn't have seen it; but it's good riddance."

"And the very last end of the War, I hope," said Lucca.

"I shan't call it the end, till we've cleared up the mess," said Marle gloomily.  "And that'll take a lot of time and work."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on November 07, 2008, 01:45:50 PM
Barack Obama stepped over a pile of ashes and looked around the Oval Office.

"What the fuck, yo? Who been steppin in dis here truck? Git yo white ass down and clean dat shit up, bitch!"

A white Secret Service agent immediately dropped to all fours and started licking up Cheney's ashes.

Barack set about getting the national bird changed from Bald Eagle to Fried Chicken, loudly yelling at anyone in sight as he worked, repeating something about whitey reporting to the cotton fields now, bitches, and by the time he'd also signed his first bill - an order to replace America's water with grape soda - the ashes were cleaned up and the White House staff were dragging down the last vestiges of Cheney's dark reign.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on November 07, 2008, 02:55:15 PM
Thad sighed, shrugged, and squeezed the trigger, splattering Guild's brains on the wall behind him.

"Well," he said, in a world-weary manner, "that actually took a lot longer to happen than I expected.

"Somebody get a mop."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on November 07, 2008, 03:45:45 PM
Guild stood over Thad's shoulder staring at the corpse of Guild, nodding slightly. "You made the right move. That guy's a prick."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on November 07, 2008, 04:48:25 PM
Adam was out on a beer run.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Brentai on November 07, 2008, 04:53:35 PM
Brent pressed the button.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on November 08, 2008, 12:19:14 AM
It was a big red button, labeled "EXPLODE WORLD".
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on November 08, 2008, 12:27:37 AM
The button looked worn with frequent use. The picosecond

of time between the pressing of the button and the in-

evitable exploding of the world seemed to drag on and on

as the loquacious (sp?) authors of the story passed the

narrative buck back and forth, each adding-without-adding

to the time between events, pulling that moment apart into

a long, thin, taffy-rope of anticipation. An anticipation

doomed to go unappeased, doomed to turn to sour regret in

the mouth of the reader once the anticlimactic moment

actually occured, or so everyone assumed as they read, for

such was the impression given by the spurious (sp?) words.





And still the moment would not come. Brent stood, immobile,

his right index finger cocked in a badass way, the joint at

the tip bent backward causing the flesh surrounding to turn

white with the force of his pushing action. Somewhere in the

room a fly hung suspended in midair, crusts of blood upon its

mouthparts. It was the blood of a simple-minded man who'd

recently been shot in the face by Thad, who also stood frozen

in time, a wisp of gunsmoke curling about his hair, a halo of

purest self-content at the murder, for he felt no regret and

less remorse at his bloodthirsty actions just moments before.





Such was the situation as the button was pressed, and such

it remained, unchanged, for time itself stood frozen before the

mighty magic of the pen applied to paper. On and on the mo-

ment twined about in space, now a razor-sharp thread hitching

two nearly inconsequential events together amidst a vast, un-

explorable void of literative masturbation.





Moments that now seemed separated from the long moment

by a wall of endless nothing preceeding a choked windpipe of

events which now would never occur. On and on and on and

on and on and on and on stretched the moment...





And when, in their hubris, the authors tried to find further,

more elaborate methods of prolonging the continuation of

time...











































































...time suddenly broke.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on November 08, 2008, 01:44:01 AM
...and then, after all that David Lynchian bullshit, the world exploded.

----------------------------------------

WE RETURN YOU TO OUR PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED KATESTORY, ALREADY IN PROGRESS

----------------------------------------

Inazuma Blast, Frivolous Suit, Tiny Activist, and Ministar Prime pulled a punch-drunk Male Man out from underneath the rubble of Jerkhaus.  Flagging down a passer-by Empathy Defender to patch up Male Man, the other four Jerks compared notes.  Of course, Ministar Prime and Inazuma Blast were the only two with solid combat input.

"The flaming-head man seems to be impervious to all forms of conventional damage.  I shot lasers and rockets at him, Ministar punched him in the face.  We seem to have exhausted all currently known forms of combat."

"COWARD.", shouted Ministar Prime.  "He will feel the true wrath of the Circle of Jerks!"

Three figures materialized in the wreckage of Jerkhaus.  The first was a man clad in plate mail and sunglasses.  He carried a broadsword.  The second was a man dressed in a white with black pinstripe suit, white shoes, and a white tie.  And a doofy-looking black helmet.  The third was the chief executive officer of the entire planet.

CEO of Earth looked around at the wreckage of Jerkhaus and facepalmed.  "...and you people wonder why I don't come here anymore."

Captain Concussion and Lost RO Knight looked at each other, then to Inazuma Blast.  She shrugged.  "In any case, I suggest we catch up with the man with the flaming hair and 'requisition some reparations'."

Captain Concussion smiled.  "I bet that totally means 'punch him until he cries and gives us things'."

Inazuma nodded.  "Yes.  Yes it does."

CEO of Earth cracked his knuckles. "I approve of this plan."

Kate, X, Billy, and Kelly all sort of stood off at the side.  Kate looked at X. "You think we'll figure in to this story any more?"

X shrugged.  "I don't know anymore.  This is getting pretty damn ridiculous."

-----------------------------------------------

Anticlimax, Coitus Interruptus, and Lord Minton stood in front of the Magic Pencil.  Anticlimax looked at Coitus.  "You think we'll figure in to this story anymore?"

Coitus shrugged. "I don't know anymore.  This is getting pretty damn ridiculous."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Kazz on November 08, 2008, 08:34:15 AM
After many hours of searching, Gok Tinnik proudly raised his prize overhead.

"I've found the liver of the felpigeon!  And at only $1.99 a pound!"

He tossed it onto the pile of strange demonic innards that currently filled his shopping cart.  Then, glancing back behind himself for the manager, he pushed the cart forward.  Hard.  Soon, the momentum allowed him to place one foot on the back and kick forward with the other.  When he reached top speed, he was hurtling through the produce, perched on the back of his cart.  He shut his eyes tightly as he neared the infernal broccoli.

Conjuring a mental version of Thad, he attempted to win an argument with it.

There was a great crash, and when he awoke, he was in a terrestrial supermarket, covered in devil bits.  He began to cheer with victory, when an enormous goat-hooved gentleman with a tidy white apron and a name-tag reading "Emmanuel" stepped through the portal behind him and grabbed him by the trenchcoat.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR."

Gok gulped, then looked to the camera and shrugged helplessly.  There was a laugh-track and the credits rolled.  An announcer declared that the next episode would feature the conclusion of Gok's pummeling, followed by the organs in his shopping cart somehow fusing together into a hideous abomination that slides around the market, feeding on shoppers and egg nog (when in season).
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on November 17, 2008, 03:37:17 PM
It was time to see what Janey was up to.

Thad decided she was in a doctoral program now, in a clear acknowledgement of his own dissatisfaction with his currently nonexistent career path.  He was a man who was secure in his insecurities.

It was also time to give her a last name.  "Blackburn" sounded good.

Janey Blackburn was a doctoral student at Miskatonic University.  Her research paper on arcane rituals and dimensional gateways had gotten her accepted to the most prestigious quantum ethereality program in the nation.  So far she had kept her parentage secret -- she wanted to prove herself as a researcher, not a test subject -- and was saving it for her dissertation.

She was grading papers with the TV on as background noise.

"And now, on the lighter side, we go now live to Wendy Halverson at the local Shaw's Supermarket.  Wendy?"

"Thanks, Terry!  Earlier today, a portal into a demonic realm" -- Janey perked up her ears at this -- "opened up in Shaw's.  A man in a fedora appeared through it and spilled what appeared to be a shopping cart full of demonic organs, presumably obtained from the demonic realm's version of the same supermarket.  An enormous goat-hooved gentleman followed and administered a severe beating."

The camera switched back to the chuckling anchor, with a picture of a confused and bleeding Gok Tinnik in the corner of the screen.  "Thanks for that, Wendy.  Well, you know, you don't go robbing demonic supermarkets without expecting to pay the piper!  Up next: the search for the missing Vice President continues..."

Janey pursed her lips.  "Well," she muttered, "I guess I should have expected things like this when I moved to Arkham."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on December 08, 2008, 07:47:11 PM
Even though KateStory XVII had at least two story arcs that had reached satisfying conclusions, and nobody had written anything in three weeks, Thad stubbornly refused to let it go.

He remembered, fondly, the good old days when he had interjected forum drama into the KateStory.

Yes, it had been an eventful couple of days...

-----------------------------------------------

Janey was watching the news again -- more attentively this time, as she'd been following the occasional local stories of Gok Tinnik's latest enterprise.  Last she'd heard, he had opened a roadside stand where he sold his various deep-fried demon bits, and it was proving somewhat popular with the Miskatonic student body.

"And in a developing story," said Terry the newsanchor, "an attempted terrorist attack at a dormitory on the Keystone University campus."

Janey dropped her fork.  Not only was the screen now showing an aerial view of her old school, but her old dorm.  And--

--yes, as they went to the interior, she could see a very skinny, very white college-age male with a crazed look in his eye being hustled by police out of her old dorm room.

"The suspect has been accused of stuffing this room full of explosives and attempting to ignite them with a cigarette lighter on a stick, or 'Girard gun'.  His identity is unknown.  The police commissioner is quoted as saying, 'Nothing.  No DNA, no fingerprints.  Clothing is custom, no tags or brand labels.  No name, no other alias.  Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint.'  The suspect himself made a statement after being read his rights, which we will play for you now."

"DEMON SPAWN," frothed the greasy-haired suspect from a jail cell.  "You FOOOOOOOOOOOLS!  The girl who lives in this room carries the blood of a devil in her veins!  She must be stopped!  She must be DESTROYED!  I have traveled long and far, and I shall not be thwarted by such as you!"

"Damn," said Derek the Derelict from the next cell over, "that motherfucker is CRAZY."

Janey rubbed her temples.  It seemed very unlikely that the current resident of her old dorm room was ALSO a half-demon, so she could only conclude that the attack had been meant for her and the inept terrorist had not bothered to check if the address he had found by Googling her name was still current.

Yes, it appeared her life was about to get interesting again...
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Friday on December 08, 2008, 08:04:12 PM
Quote
Suddenly Joseph Lieberman rose up, drawing a hidden knife, and then with a snarl like a dog he sprang on Cheney's back, jerked his head back, cut his throat, and with a yell ran off down the corridor.  Before Frog could recover or speak a word, a crossbow twanged and Lieberman fell dead.

To the dismay of those that stood by, about the body of Cheney a gray mist gathered, and rising slowly to a great height like smoke from a fire, as a pale shrouded figure it loomed over the castle.  For a moment it wavered, looking to the West; but out of the West came a cold wind, and it bent away, and with a sigh dissolved into nothing.

Frog looked down at the body with pity and horror, for as he looked it seemed that long years of death were suddenly revealed in it, and it shrank, and the shrivelled face became rags of skin upon a hideous skull.  Lifting up the skirt of the dirty cloak that sprawled beside it, he covered it over, and turned away.

"And that's the end of that," said Marle.  "A nasty end, and I wish I needn't have seen it; but it's good riddance."

"And the very last end of the War, I hope," said Lucca.

"I shan't call it the end, till we've cleared up the mess," said Marle gloomily.  "And that'll take a lot of time and work."

I never thought I'd say this to you, Thad... (in public) but...

I love you.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on December 08, 2008, 10:00:32 PM
Just the LotR bit?  Because I quite liked the Ninja Turtles part and Frog speaking in iambic pentameter.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Kazz on December 08, 2008, 11:13:35 PM
Gok Tinnik held the still-beating heart of Beelzebub high overhead.  It trembled and quivered in a small paper basket.

"Buck ninety-nine!  Great with mustard!"
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on December 09, 2008, 11:41:42 PM
"I'll take two," said the man who had just stepped out of a black sedan.  He had a black suit with a black shirt and a black tie, a bushy black mustache streaked with silver, piercing black eyes, bushy black eyebrows also streaked with silver, and a black fedora.  He handed Gok a Lincoln and said, "Keep the change."

"Pleasure doing business," said Gok.  "New in town?"

"Visiting," said the man.  "I have some business to attend to."

"Jesus Christ," said Gok.  "All right, I have a question: where the HELL were you when I was trying to run a film noir detective business?  I mean, shit.  I spend years, YEARS of my life doing boring missing person cases, then get whisked off to an alien universe -- okay, little bit of fry cookery, little bit of whoring -- come back, finally decide the whole private eye thing's not for me, start a new business -- and when I'm well into this new enterprise, then, THEN this walking fucking film noir cliche walks up to me looking funny and being extremely cryptic."

The man shrugged.  "You speak like the detective business and the demon parts business are mutually exclusive," he responded.  "Maybe they're BOTH part of your destiny.  Maybe you should have spent less time on Bogart movies and more time on Kirby comics.  Your uncle said something about that, didn't he?"

The man took a bite of a Beelzebub heart.  Blood dribbled down his chin; he dabbed at it with a blood-red handkerchief.  Gok widened and then narrowed his eyes.

"Come with me, Mr. Tinnik," said the man.  "I have some interesting things to show you."

Gok pondered for a moment, and then reached a decision.

"No.  No, thank you, but fuck you, fuck whoever it is you represent, and fuck my uncle too.  I'm tired of being strung along.  Things are looking pretty promising with this little roadside business of mine, so kindly fuck off.  But please, do feel free to come again if you want more Beelzebub hearts."

The man nodded.  "So be it," he said, and sauntered back to his black sedan.  "Driver," he said theatrically, "Miskatonic University, please."  He got into the car and closed the door.

"Man," said Gok, "fuck that guy."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on December 22, 2008, 05:09:04 AM
The Circle of Jerks were running down the streets of Talos Island, triangle jumping off of building ledges to get a little extra altitude boost.  Inazuma Blast, having taken the flight pool, soared over it all.

Captain Concussion was humming the Tick theme, and he hoped to God that it was stuck in everyone else's head now.

Male Man looked at Concussion.  "Dude, would you stop humming that?  It's stuck in my head now."

Girard's trail was not difficult to follow, as the trail of immolated domesticated animals was visible even from Inazuma Blast's altitude.

--------------------------

Adam pondered, as an aside.  "What would it be like if humans had the ability to fly like that?  Wouldn't the FAA get pissed off?

--------------------------

The trail eventually came to the entrance of a sewer, which lead down to the hidden city of Oranbega, the stronghold of the Circle of Thorns.  Inazuma Blast landed next to the rest of the group.  "So, what do you think?"

Tiny Activist pondered.  "Well, the thing is that he's obviously cheating.  Nobody, not even an Invulerability/Super Strength Tanker with Unstoppable on could have over a million HP."

Lost RO Knight inspected his sword.  "Then what do you suggest?"

A voice came up from around the corner of the nearby building.  "Well, there is ONE way..."

The owner of the voice and her companions came out from behind the building.  "But we need Bill Gates for it to work," X said.
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Thad on January 02, 2009, 09:31:33 PM
"So you see," said Thad, "we need your help."

"Aren't you the guy who punched me in the face a couple of months ago?" asked Bill Gates.

"Yeah," said Thad.  "Because of DriveSpace."

"Oh," said Bill Gates.  "Yeah, fair enough."

Then, suddenly, there was a loud "ZZT" sound and his body convulsed.  "I mean, WHAT?!" he interrobanged.  "DriveSpace is the single greatest accomplishment in the history of man!  Like all Microsoft products!"

"How's your Zune holding up, Bill?" Thad asked.

"Wait!" said Bill Gates.  "Did you say Girard?"

"Yes," said Thad.  "Well, actually, this chapter started with me saying 'So you see, we need your help,' but it seems like I would have had to bring Girard up sometime prior to that, seeing as he is in fact the reason we need your help."

A faraway, dreamy look appeared in Bill Gates's eyes.

Sometimes, Bill Gates had flashbacks...

----------------------------------------

"Hey, it's a fucking frog!" said Dr. Billy, "Let's eat it!"

--ZZT--

Around this time the GI Joe strike team burst into Dr. Billy's office, to find
him and Girard preforming obscene sex acts with a dead frog that looked like
a greek symbol.

"Holy fuck!" said Sargent Slaughter, "I haven't seen anything like this since
I had that ten-cent hooker back in 'Nam!"  He promptly passed out, dreaming
warm dreams of the flaming jungle and smoking pot with Bong Man.

"Jesus Christ," said Snow Job, "They haven't even noticed us.  Let' sjust
shoot Dr. Billy and get the homoeroic boy for ourselves."

"Good idea," the unconcious Sgt. Slaughter said in his dream, "Because
that means Steve can stop writing this shit and go back to sliming Brentai."

----------------------------------------

Thad was snapping his fingers, loudly, directly in front of Bill Gates's face.

"Wait," said Bill Gates.  "If we didn't notice them, how am I having a flashback to what they were saying?"

Thad snapped harder.  Bill Gates glared at him, as if he had been awoken from the most wonderful dream.

----------------------------------------

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" shouted Girard.  "I, GIRARD, WILL KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!"

He then shouted his famous catchphrase:
(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/coh/girard-sexslave.jpg)

"Really?" said a voice.  "It makes me so happy to hear you say that."

(NOTE: I tried to make a convincing Bill Gates in the CoH character editor, but could not.  Pretend there is a picture of one here. - T)

"Bill Gates?"

"Girard?"

"BILL GATES!"

"GIRARD!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWj7kjAVL5I

"...Hm," said X.

"Penny for your thoughts?" said Kate.

(http://www.corporate-sellout.com/verywrong.gif)

"Yeah, I thought you might say that," said Kate.

----------------------------------------

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Janey groaned and rolled over.  What time was it?  Goddamn Jenova's Witnesses.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

She opened her eyes and stared blearily at the clock.  10 AM.  She was trying to sleep in -- it was the weekend, and she was still recovering from Mr. Shithead the Shithead's New Year's party.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Janey stumbled out of bed and stomped to the door in her footy pajamas.  "Goddamn fuckin'...this had better be important..." she croaked.

She opened the door, and there stood a man in a black suit with a black shirt and a black tie, a bushy black mustache streaked with silver, piercing black eyes, bushy black eyebrows also streaked with silver, and a black fedora.

"Good morning, Ms. Blackburn," he said.

"Whatever it is -- " Janey cleared her throat, "whatever it is you're selling, I'm not interested."

"Oh, you'll be interested in THIS," said the man.  With a flick of his wrist, a shiny TV remote came out of his sleeve and landed in his hand; he pointed it at Janey's TV and turned it on.

"They have news at 10 AM on Saturday?" Janey asked.

"...and Keystone City's most inept terrorist has struck again," said the announcer.  The picture cut to the same would-be arsonist from before being hustled out of a building.

"You FOOOOOOOOLS!" he shouted.  "She must be destroyed!  This is her home!  I have found it, for REAL this time!  This is where she lives!"

"Sir," said the police officer wrangling the suspect, "nobody lives here.  This is a post office."

"LIES!" shouted the disheveled man.  "I intercepted a letter addressed to her -- at this address!"

"Again, Sir," said the police officer, "this is a post office.  And do you remember that part where I told you you have the right to remain silent?"

The picture cut back to the newscaster.  "Local law enforcement is still investigating the suspect's ties to an Idaho metal band; however, they believe this may be a dead end, as he, quote, 'does not look Australian.'"

The man in the fedora turned the TV off.

"God damn that guy is annoying," said Janey.

"How do you think he learned your secret?" asked the man in the fedora.  "And who do you think sent him after you?"

"How the hell do YOU know my secret?" Janey countered.  "And who sent YOU after me?"

"Aha, worthy questions," said the man.  "You are learning."

"Yes," said Janey.  "That's why I'm in a doctoral program."

"Those studies can wait," the man responded.  "Return to Keystone with me.  I will help you get to the bottom of this."

"Not really interested," Janey responded.  "The semester's just about to start, and anyway that guy's obviously no danger to anyone.  I'll keep watching TV and if anything requires my immediate attention I'll follow it up."

"You...don't want to go with me?"

"An emphatic no."

"Damn your fancy book-learning, woman!  Do you not think unraveling this case will lead to a deeper knowledge in your field of study?"

"Hm, studying the occult in the most prestigious doctoral program in the nation, or following around some dumbass with a lighter on a stick who thinks I live at the post office?  Well since you put it like THAT..."

"Embrace your destiny, Ms. Blackburn!"

"I make my own destiny, Mr...you haven't even told me your name."

"I have no name!" the man exclaimed dramatically.  He had quite clearly been waiting for this cue.  "I am merely...his death."

Janey blinked.

Janey yawned, and then blinked again, and then cocked an eyebrow.

"Well?" the man said, expectantly.

"What?" asked Janey.

"Aren't you going to ask me, whose death?"

"No," said Janey, and shut the door in his face.

"Man," said Janey, "fuck that guy."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: McDohl on January 20, 2009, 03:45:59 PM
Thirty-seven Guildenstern corpses were laid up in a messy pile, and Thad was out of ammo.  Eventually, the two agreed on a truce and went back to drinking their livers out.  Adam had returned from his booze run and sat in the corner of the room, nursing his own bottle of tequila angrily.  Brent realized that it was Inauguration Day and turned the television on.

"--am not the second coming of Christ, and the world in general is pretty much in the shitter.  However, now is not the time for us to be feeling sorry for ourselves and licking our wounds.  That was just after that bullshit happened.  This is a new year, and it's time for us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.  Word."

Thunderous applause.

Thad immediately began singing Eye of the Tiger.

"Hey, that's my job," Brent quipped.

Thad ignored him.

---

"Can I come in?"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE," Janey shouted through the plate-glass window.

Janey paced around her apartment, trying to decide what to do about this insane guy trying to bother her about Girard.

It began to rain outside.

It was magic rain, so of course, the man vanished.

Janey looked outside at the magic rain and swore, then turned back to her tome of infernal beings.

The pages began to glow, and the plate glass window shattered, allowing the magic rain inside.  The rain reacted with the book, and a large ring opened up and sucked Janey, her house, and everything else in the immediate vicinity, including a very perturbed-looking hawk.  It cawed as it was drawn in to the vortex.

---

The Circle of Jerks, Kate, Billy, Kelly, X, and whoever else was with them rounded the last corner before coming to a very large open-caverned room in the underground city of Oranbega, stronghold of the Circle of Thorns beneath Paragon City.  Lost RO Knight mused that with all the Oranbegan ruins, Crey Labs, mines, and giant-ass caverns beneath the city, why hasn't the entire city just fallen in to one huge-ass sinkhole?

This was too fourth-wall breaking for the pair of lesbian catgirl communists (that also were vampires) cybering nearby, and they told Lost RO Knight very loudly and annoyingly that he was officially shunned by the 8th-most influential Roleplaying Supergroup in Paragon City.

Lost RO Knight had done his good deed for the day.

This loud protesting of fourth-wall breaking, however, caused Girard to become starkly aware of our heroes' presence, and he attacked!

The ensuing battle was epic.  However, the result was much more the same as the previous encounters: they had barely been able to make a dent in Girard's defenses.

Girard cackled.  "You're a bunch of smelly, ugly, dumby-dumb poopy heads, and I, GIRARD, will KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!"

"I love it when you say that."  Said Dr. Billy, coming around the corner finally.

"Dr. Billy!"

"Girard!"

"Dr. Billy!"

"Girard!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWj7kjAVL5I

Captain Concussion put his fists on his hips.  "Once again, the day was saved, thanks to the Cir--"

X shouted.  "Not thanks to you!  You just stood around spouting silly injokes about riding buffaloes and cat eggs or some such nonsense.  Of course, it's much better than having the Holy Trinity around, where they just spend their crime-fighting time having sex with clowns, but that's another story for another day!  Girard has been defeated, and thus the scourge of Girard has been ended..."

Kate shook her head.  "Uh...no."  She was looking at her dimensional map, where another dimension had caught fire.

"Solace is burning..."
Title: Re: Katestory XVII
Post by: Guild on January 20, 2009, 07:15:04 PM
"...Why don't we just douse the map in some water?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "If it were that simple, don't you think I'd have gone home by now?"

"Where's home?"

"That's none of your business."

"Seriously, just try it." X pointed to a bucket of water Lucca had been kind enough to leave behind. Or had she said something about it being a portal? X couldn't be bothered to remember.

"It's not the fire on the map that's causing the fires... oh goddamn it. Whatever." Kate walked over to the bucket and dunked the map.

Abruptly, the omniverse was full of water.

"Where did you say you got that map?" X watched a fish swim past and bonked it on the head, releasing a penguin.

"Er... " Kate pulled the map out and shook it dry, flipping it over to check. "Property of Washu."

"Who the hell is Washu?"

An evil cackle suddenly filled the room.

****************************************************************

Tenchi ripped the Sword of Jurai through another space daemon, a sticky black resin coating his Galaxy Police uniform. "Too many... there's too damn many of them!"

"Never give up!" Mihoshi blasted another one in half with her standard issue matter inverter, unmaking the particles that composed the trans-reality monsters. "Hyaa! Ha! Haiiii-ya!!"

"You don't have to use breathing techniques when firing a gun, idiot!" Kiyone stood back-to-back with her partner, firing steadily from the hips.

Just then, Kate and X arrived. Washu held a very disgruntled X by an ear, and Kate also looked more than a little upset at being forcibly recruited to help with such a minor emergency as dimension-eating daemons.

"Can't this dimension handle its own problems?"

"We were doing fine until you soaked my wormhole machine with water, idiot." Washu pointed at the daemon nest. "Get to work."