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[Kazz]

This is the only event in this year's Worst Olympics Ever!

Make a post in this thread.  Be as awesome as you can possibly be.  Use whatever means necessary.  Posts made before August 29th at 11:59 PM ET are eligible.

ONE POST PER ENTRANT.  Posts after the first one will be deleted.  If you post in this thread, delete it, and then make a new post, you'll be disqualified.  I'll know because I'm an admin and I can see the post graveyard.  Editing is allowed but the content of the post must not change significantly, or you'll be disqualified.

On August 30th, there will be a Judging thread.  People will then vote for the winning poster.  Anyone may vote whether they participated or not.

Most votes wins.

I'll send the winner $20 and also a special secret prize.

Go.

[A²]

Anne sighed as she sat in her room, staring at her wall. She just
finished writing in her diary, and had nothing to do. Life was boring
in the Secret Annex, but it was better than the alternative. It
was alright talking to Peter and Margot, but they were both such quiet
people, unlike the always active Anne. All of a sudden, a flash of
light appeared in the room! Anne jumped back, stifling a scream. Before
she could run out the closed door she noticed that the person who
appeared in the flash was not a Nazi officer, but someone who she had
never seen before! His clothes were very strange, and his hair was in
a spiky style that was totally new to her. She stood against the wall,
wary of the stranger, but he walked towards her and smiled, extending a
hand. "My name is Goku." The mysterious stranger said. Anne nervously
put her hand in his. He bent down and kissed it softly, then let go.
Anne blushed, feeling something she had never felt before go off inside
of her. "My name is Anne..." she replied quietly. "I'm sorry for what
just happened," Goku told her, "But I was caught in a time portal and
deposited here! My power cells will recharge soon, but until then, I'm
stuck here." Anne had no idea what the handsome visitor was talking
about, but she played along. "Well, sir" she said. "You may stay in my
room as long as you like!" Anne blushed again as she said this, and
giggled slightly. Goku looked around, and then sat on the bed. "Thank
you for the invitation. I'll be sure to repay you for it soon." Anne
did not understand what he meant by that, however, when he spoke, she
felt a warmth deep inside of her. She sat by him on the bed, staring
at the man's beautiful eyes. Finally, she could stand it no longer.
Anne leaned over and kissed the stranger on the cheek, and then pulled
back quickly, not sure of what she had done. "I'm sorry..." she said,
as she stumbled to find the right words. The visitor smirked. "No,
that's quite alright." He replied with a smile, putting one arm around
her. "You know, you're a very beautiful girl, but I... well..." Anne
looked at him, troubled. "What's the matter?" she said, with a sweet
smile. Goku looked nervous. "I... I'm already married." he finally
managed to choke out. Anne pulled away from him abruptly. "No!" she
said loudly, almost in tears. "I'm sorry..." he replied. Anne was
furious. "Nothing ever goes right!" she cried out. "I have to go
now, my power cells have recharged." said Goku. Anne was in tears
by now, staring at the wall so she wouldn't see Goku's face. He
smiled a sad smile, and disappeared in another flash, out of Anne's
life forever. Anne never forgot him, though... not until the end of time.

One month. Well, it didn’t feel like a month. To Anne Frank, a Jew in hiding from the Nazis, it seemed like a year. One month since the fateful encounter with the mysterious man from another world, who she only knew as ‘Goku’. The handsome stranger had stepped through time and into her life, then disappeared without a trace. Anne was almost sure that they’d never meet again, even though not one day passed without her dreaming of him. Little did she know, however, that their lives were tied by the unbreakable red string of fate.

It was another boring day in the Secret Annex. Anne sat on the bed of her room, writing in her diary. It never occurred to her, however, that this entry would be her last. As she wrote in the quiet attic, there was a loud noise from downstairs. Her heart jumped with both fear and excitement. Was it them? The Nazis? Or, could it be… him? She had no idea whether to run downstairs or to hide. That decision, however, was made for her. Her door flew open, and a tall soldier was visible in the doorway, glaring at her. The cries of her family members and friends were tuned out as Anne only thought of one thing. She stood up and followed the soldier out of her room, down the stairs, and into the back of a truck. “So this is it.” She said quietly to herself. “I’ll never see him, my one true love, ever again. And all those years of hiding… they were for naught.” Then, Anne realized that she left her precious diary up in her room. She broke loose from the officer, and made a dash back into the shop, when he removed a gun from his holster and fired a shot in her direction. Anne fell to the floor.

Anne lay on the floor, feeling searing pain run through her leg, where the bullet had met its mark. The Gestapo officer menacingly moved towards her, grinning, when all of a sudden there was a blinding flash of light, causing the officer to shield his eyes. A huge cloud of smoke appeared next to Anne, blocking her from the soldier’s vision. When the smoke cleared, he was in for quite a surprise. There was Goku, holding Anne in his arms, standing next to a huge metal capsule. “Goku!” cried Anne “You came back… for me!” Goku smiled. “Anything for you, my dear.” He said. “Our love will never be lost… not until the end of time.” The Gestapo officer turned tail and ran, but Goku was too quick for him. After laying Anne on the concrete, he dashed towards the Nazi and knocked him to the ground, unconscious, with only one blow. “Nazi scum.” Muttered Goku as he spit on his enemy’s limp body, then returned to Anne. “Here, I have something for you.” Goku said, as he removed a small bean from his pocket. “What on earth is this?” asked Anne. Goku smiled, remember how ignorant she was to what was everyday life to him. “A senzu bean.” He said. “Just eat it, and it will cure your leg.” Anne followed his instructions and popped the bean into her mouth, as the wound on her calve magically healed. “Now come on.” Commanded Goku. “We’ve got some Nazi ass to kick.” Anne jumped on the mysterious Saiyan’s back, as he launched off into the sky.

After only a few moments, the two of them arrived in Berlin. Tanks were parading down the street, as Adolf Hitler himself stood on a platform overlooking it all. “Stay here.” Goku said, dropping Anne in a shaded area under a tree. He then flew straight towards the parade of tanks, fist outstretched, screaming as loud as he could. The soldiers below scattered in terror, while the tanks tried to aim their cannons at him. He was too quick and nimble for them, however, and opened the hatch of a nearby Panzer, then headed inside. After dispatching of the soldiers in control of the war machine, he took the wheel. He fired round after round into the crowds of Nazi soldiers, occasionally firing at the other tanks. After only minutes, there was nothing but a cloud of dust and corpses. Goku emerged from the tank’s hatch, smiling now that he had done his duty. When all of the dust cleared, there were only two people remaining on the parade ground: Goku, the Saiyan hero, and Adolf Hitler, the most evil man ever to walk the earth.

Anne watched from nearby fearfully as she saw the two men stare at each other for what seemed like hours. Her one true love, and her ultimate oppressor. It had come down to this. “So,” Hitler said jovially “You took out all of my men. However, you aren’t going to defeat me.” Hitler then jumped down from his platform and down onto the street in front of Goku, pulling a chain gun from the ground nearby. Goku quickly jumped behind a ruined tank, as Adolf opened fire. The tank made decent cover, but it wasn’t long until it would be torn apart by the hail of bullets. Goku had to act. He dashed out from the side of the tank, and flew as fast as he could toward Hitler, who had no time to react. He grabbed the chain gun out of his enemy’s hands, and snapped it over his knee with ease. Hitler stumbled backwards, shocked at the turn of events. Goku smirked, then said “It’s come down to this. You and me. Fighting like men. If you admit defeat now, I’ll kill you rather painlessly.” Goku had the definite advantage. Or so it seemed. Hitler burst into a laugh, as Goku looked on quizzically. The mustachioed man slowly rose into the air, as his brown hair and pencil moustache turned a blonde color, and his brown eyes turned blue. Goku reeled in horror. Hitler continued laughing, then finally said “Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!” Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.

Anne looked on in awe, not sure what was going on. At first, it seemed like her lover would win the battle, but now she was not so sure. Goku now seemed scared of his opponent, and it was for a good reason. Hitler continued to speak “Goku, can’t you see? I’ve reached a power level 10 TIMES anything you’ve ever achieved! Your fate is sealed, weakling.” Even though the battle seemed unwinnable, Goku charged in, screaming at the top of his lungs. Every blow he struck with was deflected off of Hitler’s rock hard body. Hitler waited for Goku to tire himself out, then raised his fist and punched Goku. And one punch was enough. Goku was knocked across the street into a large propaganda poster of Hitler, thudding to the cold, hard ground. Hitler laughed, thinking that victory was in his hands at last. Goku, however, was not ready to give up. Bruised and battered, he rose from the ground, limping in Hitler’s direction. The Nazi leader laughed. “You still want to fight? Don’t you know when to give up, boy? You can hardly walk. And you expect to beat ME? Conqueror of Europe?” Goku ignored Adolf’s taunts as he continued to stumble his way forward. Finally, the two archrivals were standing face to face. Goku stared Hitler into the eye, then screamed “This… is for LOVE!” and flew up into the sky, his hair turning blonde, his eyes blue, and an aura of power radiating from him. Hitler looked on in horror at Goku. He had made the ultimate achievement. He had become a Super Ultra Power Saiyan. Goku made a cup shape with his hands, aiming at Hitler, as he belted out the words “Kame… Hame… HAAAAA!” as a beam of pure energy shot at his enemy, disintegrating the Nazi leader’s body. Goku then collapsed to the ground in a heap, exhausted from the fight. Two years later: Anne and Goku had finally reached the date of their wedding. After the battle, Anne and Goku destroyed the time machine and took a boat to Australia. They changed their names and lived new lives, ready to start over. The two young people looked into each others eyes as they kissed, as the reverend pronounced them man and wife. Finally, it seemed, Anne was at peace. And they would always be together, until the end of time.

[Niku]

[Kayin]

I don't want your god damned money.

[Thad]

Why is my coffee mug left-handed?

[Catloaf]

[Defenestration]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs

[Guild]

I make sure to get banned from #furry at least once every six months. These are some of my favorite excerpts. Slightly edited to protect the innocent.

03[23:45] * Now talking in #furry
03[23:45] * Topic is 'Don't Worry, Be Furry! | http://furpad.net | Record: 78 | http://furpad.net/rules.html | NEW FEATURE: Want to bring a problem to the ops privately? Join #furry_ops -- we're really very approachable. Really. | +c behaves normally again! | * DragoN shudders and spays KP9000 <DragoN> .. *sprays'
03[23:45] * Set by Rask!crescens@c-24-61-129-103.hsd1.ma.comcast.net on Wed Apr 23 18:33:05
01[23:45] <sos> I approached the Tapir slowly, stroking my swollen manmeat like a cannibal oiling his spearshaft to prevent the blood from causing cracks.
01[23:46] <sos> There it sat, unknowing how close I was to release.
01[23:46] <sos> I leapt, arms and legs akimbo.
03[23:46] * Fox sets mode: +b *!*@ppp-67-115-60-27.dialup.scrm01.pacbell.net
03[23:46] * You were kicked by Fox (sos)



03[18:04] * Now talking in #furry
03[18:04] * Topic is 'Don't Worry, Be Furry! | http://furpad.net | Record: 78 | http://furpad.net/rules.html | NEW FEATURE: Want to bring a problem to the ops privately? Join #furry_ops -- we're really very approachable. Really. | +c behaves normally again! | * DragoN shudders and spays KP9000 <DragoN> .. *sprays'
03[18:04] * Set by Rask!crescens@c-24-61-129-103.hsd1.ma.comcast.net on Wed Apr 23 18:33:05
06[18:05] * Guild sets up a table.
06[18:05] * Guild throws a tablecloth on it.
06[18:05] * Guild arranges five candles in a circle and places them on the table.
06[18:05] * Guild lights four of the candles.
06[18:05] * Guild goes into the kitchen to get a large bowl.
06[18:06] * Guild returns, having also grabbed a ladle.
06[18:06] * Guild sets five chairs around the table.
06[18:06] * Guild lights the candle he forgot earlier.
03[18:06] * Rask sets mode: +m
[18:06] <@Rask> Dude.
[18:06] <@Rask> What the hell.
06[18:06] * Guild puts the bowl on the table.
[18:06] #furry Cannot send to channel
03[18:06] * You were kicked by Rask (Guild)



Session Ident: #furry
03[00:33] * Now talking in #furry
03[00:33] * Topic is 'Don't Worry, Be Furry! | http://furpad.net | Record: 78 | http://furpad.net/rules.html | NEW FEATURE: Want to bring a problem to the ops privately? Join #furry_ops -- we're really very approachable. Really. | +c behaves normally again! | <NightSnow> i would have sex with me'
03[00:33] * Set by DragoN!Eleet@91.140.214.230 on Mon May 05 21:20:15
01[00:33] <Guildenstern> "There's a fine line between this and sucicide, Frank."
01[00:33] <Guildenstern> "I know Steven, but what am I supposed to do? That robot's going to explode."
[00:34] <@Gale> oh
01[00:34] <Guildenstern> "You're right, damn you. Godspeed my friend."
[00:34] <@Gale> okay
01[00:34] <Guildenstern> Steven proceeded to strip down to his boxers. His semi-turgid dong flopped out from between his striped boxers like a living thing.
01[00:34] <Guildenstern> The robot sat there, counting down to detonation.
[00:35] <@Gale> i'm confused
01[00:35] <Guildenstern> Steven eyeballed the self-destruct button, exactly 7 inches in from the hole.
[00:35] <@Gale> and unsure
01[00:35] <Guildenstern> He swallowed his pride and took a tentative step towards it.
01[00:35] <Guildenstern> Suddenly the alarms went off.
01[00:35] <Guildenstern> -One minute to detonation-
01[00:35] <Guildenstern> -One minute to detonation-
01[00:35] <Guildenstern> -Please evacuate immediately-
01[00:36] <Guildenstern> Steven thought about his most sexual fantasy: A fox girl with six boobs humping a horseman.
03[00:36] * Pischk sets mode: +b *!*right.s.f@ppp-67-115-60-140.dialup.scrm01.pacbell.net
03[00:36] * You were kicked by Pischk (begone tard)
Session Close: Sat May 10 00:36:40 2008



Session Start: Tue Jun 24 05:37:31 2008
Session Ident: #furry
* Now talking in #furry
* Topic is 'Don't Worry, Be Furry! | http://furpad.net | Record: 78 | http://furpad.net/rules.html | NEW FEATURE: Want to bring a problem to the ops privately? Join #furry_ops -- we're really very approachable. Really. | http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=566860  SecondLife Meets Firstlife... flying penis away!' | ooh crumbs there goes me hip | <Matelk> fuck you i'm an end table'
* Set by Pischk!mink@c-24-127-51-11.hsd1.va.comcast.net on Mon Jun 23 23:38:42
* SnowGryphon has joined #furry
* ChanServ sets mode: +v SnowGryphon
* Mewwie has quit IRC (Read error: Connection reset by peer)
<[sean]> The marmoset and the lobster sat across from eachother in the petstore. The owner had just stepped out for the night. The lobster lifted it's tail and turned 180 degrees to show its swollen pleopods to the marmoset it loved. The marmoset in turn pulled back the fur surrounding its vagina and began to use a carrot stick to masturbate.
<[sean]> The lobster, eyes swiveled behind to watch, pumped its tail to further engorge its pleopods. The spermatozoa within its abdomen built up and suddenly released to cloud the glass of the aquarium.
<[sean]> The marmoset squeeked with joy and drove the carrot home again and again, front legs gripping the bars of its cage, rear legs gripping the carrot like a spear which it continued to jam into its own musky love hole.
<SnowGryphon> O_O
<[sean]> Suddenly the puppy across the way yipped in excitement at smelling the marmoset's juices...
<[sean]> It punched and jumped and knocked over the cage holding it back from what it wanted to try for the very first time in its young life.
<fluffy> and here comes fluffy, to put a violent stop to everything with his gore fetish. goodnight small town petstore, there will be no sales in the morning... only police officers and the psycho-inquisitive articles in the headlines.
<[sean]> It suddenly escaped! Energized, it leapt upon the marmoset's cage and stuck it's young red sausage between the cage bars.
* Nikka sets [sean] on fire
<Nikka> burn baby burn
<[sean]> The marmoset yipped and leapt upon the puppy's love tool, all the while watching the lobster and pinching nipple after nipple.
<Nikka> using copy and paste to harrass others is total fail. that means you are total fail. feel bad. feel very bad.
<[sean]> Suddenly, the owner returned. Enraged by the puppy's escape he pulled out his taser.
<[sean]> "I will teach you to leave your prison!"
<[sean]> The owner aimed and fired, tiny electrodes shooting forth to penetrate the puppy's anus and ballsack.
* Nikka remembers why the internet sucks and goes back to reading magazines.
<[sean]> The feeling of pure energy jolting through its nether region caused it to ejaculate again and again, the poor pup's mind gone with pleasure and sinful pain.
<[sean]> The marmoset also came then, the enormity of the puppy's member coupled with the jolting spasms sending it over the edge with furious joy.
<[sean]> The owner pulled down his pants and ejaculated into the lobster's aquarium.
<[sean]> "That's all the food you're getting today, you nasty little varmint!"
<[sean]> The End
<[sean]> Thank you.
* [sean] bows
<Nikka> no, thank your mother. for being a slut.
* Sandie is now known as Sand_Work
<[sean]> She is in the next story.
<Nikka> i lol'd. damn it. =(
<Nikka> it's sleep deprivation, i swear.
<fluffy> if only the ops weren't out having lives right now... le sigh.
<fluffy> i should be an op! what a magnificant op i would be i'd rule with my iron cock!
<[sean]> Speaking of sheep...
<fluffy> oh i know. i'm the reason there's an ignore feature.
<fluffy> haven't you heard of me?
<fluffy> i'm fluffy, the fluffiest one.
<Nikka> mister sheep is gonna fuck some shit up?
<fluffy> the doom sheep! but this isn't footies...
<[sean]> Randy the Sheep sat in a pasture chewing cud. He heard a noise behind him, but wasn't quite quick enough to stop the irish shepherd boy from latching onto his flank.
<Nikka> closet furries suck =/
<[sean]> "Baaaa!" he shouted, hoping the big Ram would come and rescue him.
<fluffy> with that i switch my monitor to the 1u i'm mucking about ubuntu with. adieu.
<[sean]> The big Ram heard his cries! With the boy's pants down there would be no protecting him from a good ol' fashioned ramming!
* Nikka just leaves. what the fucking hell, y'all.
* Nikka has left #furry (weak)
<[sean]> The big Ram geared up and pumped himself for the encounter, but just as he was about to strike the boy in the rear with his horns Superman appeared!
<[sean]> Superman swooped down and snatched the Ram from the earth.
<[sean]> The big Ram was shocked! He'd never been in the air before!
<[sean]> As Superman flew he kicked and baaa'd but could not seem to break the Man of Steel's grip.
<[sean]> Next thing he knew, elves were shotgunning semen from shotglasses and everyone ate bundt cake the end.
* [sean] bows
<[sean]> Thank you.
<[sean]> Sally the Unicorn kneeled munching the fresh virign apples of spring. They lay scattered like drips of paint on the beautiful green grass.
<[sean]> She smelled the air and whickered softly, enjoying the feeling of cool grass upon her belly.
<[sean]> Suddenly an evil huntsman appeared in the woods. Sally didn't notice him... he was wearing the panties of a virgin stained with her first period blood. Such a strong totem would shield the huntsman from the unicorn's sight!
<[sean]> Sally sat happily munching as the huntsman lifted the panties to his nose and inhaled deeply of the odor of the girl's discharges.
<[sean]> He reached into his codpiece and yanked forth a rod of epic proportions. Truly this huntsman had horse blood in his family.
<[sean]> The huntsman  snuck right even with the unicorn, who remained unaware.
<[sean]> He suddenly grabbed her mane and lifted her tail, thrusting his enromous shank deep into her anus.
<[sean]> She whinnied and stood quickly, her sphincter siphoning closed upon his member like shrunken leather
<[sean]> Together they rode about, the man thrusting mercilessly, the unicorn attempting to buck him loose.
<[sean]> As he came he thrust a dagger into her neck, spilling her blood  and relishing the feeling of it spraying his face and arms, salivating at the feeling of the warm life coating his hairy chest. It smelled of copper and magic and fear.
<[sean]> He snapped loose her horn and thrust it into his belt, sated and ready to return home. His wife cooked a pork chop for dinner.
<[sean]> The end.
* [sean] bows
<[sean]> Thank you.


Session Start: Wed Jul 30 22:47:42 2008
Session Ident: #furry
03[22:47] * Now talking in #furry
03[22:47] * Topic is 'Don't Worry, Be Furry! | Record: 78 | http://furpad.net/rules.html | NEW FEATURE: Want to bring a problem to the ops privately? Join #furry_ops -- we're really very approachable. Really. | <Matelk> fuck you i'm an end table | Eaglebird is a coleaeg student.'
03[22:47] * Set by Rask!crescens@pool-151-197-23-100.phil.east.verizon.net on Wed Jul 30 22:14:21
01[22:48] <[sean]> furry(s) suck(s)
02[22:48] * FoxSleeping (zeuxwolf@ip70-171-92-16.no.no.cox.net) Quit (Ping timeout: 180 seconds)
03[22:48] * BustaRhymes (JavaGuest3@75.147.196.205) has joined #furry
[22:48] <D-Wolf> :P
[22:49] <Rask> [sean]:  No one cares what you think.~
[22:49] <BustaRhymes> o.o
01[22:49] <[sean]> rask you are in third grade
[22:49] <Rask> Incorrect
01[22:49] <[sean]> yeah huh
02[22:49] * Yamamayaa (nnscript@c-75-70-55-37.hsd1.co.comcast.net) Quit (Quit: o/~ never give up, never surrender, keep up the good fight, 'til the end of the night, and always remember o/~)
[22:49] <Rask> nuh uh
[22:49] <minos> He's in fourth grade!
[22:50] <minos> Gosh, get it right
[22:50] <Rask> YEAH JEEZ
01[22:50] <[sean]> ...did we just become best friends
[22:50] <BustaRhymes> Is this dood a troll?
01[22:50] <[sean]> of course i am
[22:50] <Rask> Probably!
[22:50] <Rask> But he's not a very good one.
[22:50] <BustaRhymes> So he is a fun one?
01[22:50] <[sean]> i'm a bad troll
01[22:50] <[sean]> and a republican
[22:51] <BustaRhymes> Hmm
[22:51] <Thornne> Welcome to the caucus brother!
[22:51] <D-Wolf> >.<
[22:51] <BustaRhymes> He doesn't type with proper punctuation, but he is too fast of a typer to be a young teen...
[22:51] <Rask> :D
[22:51] <Thornne> Today we discuss our baby grinding ritual to cut back carbon emissions!
01[22:51] <[sean]> I could use proper punctuation if I chose.
[22:52] <minos> (Yes I am)
[22:52] <Thornne> He's not American either is it?
[22:52] <BustaRhymes> Wait
[22:52] <Thornne> ?.?
[22:52] <BustaRhymes> Aren't you trying to troll?
01[22:52] <[sean]> er
01[22:52] <[sean]> oh yeah
[22:52] <Rask> Only some, and only if you ask nicely.
[22:53] <Rask> It's funny, you see, because 'sucking' means both 'being bad' and 'giving oral sex'.
[22:53] <BustaRhymes> at l3ast ur typing is not like this.
01[22:53] <[sean]> this is stupid isn't it... rask knows me as guildenstern
[22:54] <Thornne> But "being bad" is the same a "being good" now isn't it?
[22:54] <Rask> Maybe in the 70s...
[22:54] <minos> Ha! I get it!
[22:54] <Thornne> Therefore suck = good
[22:54] <BustaRhymes> KOL should be up.
[22:54] <minos> Rask, you are a funny man
[22:54] <BustaRhymes> Rask is female in person.
[22:54] <Rask> I am.
06[22:54] * Rask knocks [sean] out with her COPIOUS BOSOMS.
03[22:54] * Rask sets mode: +b *!*right.s.f@*.131.208.197.Dial1.SanJose1.Level3.net
03[22:54] * You were kicked by Rask (BONK)
02[22:54] * Attempting to rejoin channel #furry
02[22:54] * Unable to join channel (address is banned)
Session Close: Wed Jul 30 22:54:45 2008

[Lady Duke]

Kazz, why the fuck do you waste your money like it's fucking water?


 

[Romosome]

[Doom]

[Dooly]

This is the best post in the thread.

[Kazz]