Find me a match and I'll check it out, but at this point I'm not about to say "You know, Unity makes me hack too much shit from gconf, I think I'll go try LXDE instead!"
LXDE? As in Lightweight X11
Desktop Environment? I'm not sure where you pulled that from 'window manager', but it's not covered in my suggestion anyway.
My motivation for telling you to use a window manager in the first place: if you don't like where KDE4 has gone, and Gnome 3.0's irritations drive you to bitching about its failings, it's time to consider a proper window manager. If you're willing to try something different, you can find some pretty good stuff. I was also being a bit flippant.
2. Not having to hack fucking text files.
You aren't
hacking, and it's a fine way to configure things, as long as it's well done. There's no need to be melodramatic about it.
A nice Win7-style icons-only panel that I can stick on the side of the screen is preferred.
I'm not familiar with that, but Gnome 2.x has panels and icons out the ass. I'm pretty sure you could put one on the side (unless you're talking about something that keeps track of open windows? I'm certain I've heard of something that does similar; don't remember what or where, having no interest in it personally). Failing that, there's a multitude of window managers out there, with many different goals--it's not unlikely that somebody's had a similar thought and replicated the functionality you want.
Although I think a good keyboard driven tiling window manager is a much better deal.