SHINRA SHINRASON AND THE DUNGEONS OF DOOM
AN EPIC TALE OF FANTASY ADVENTURE
Tourism has always been a dangerous business - and this trip into the dungeons of doom was no exception. I entered the dungeon, camera, +3 darts and a couple of tins of spinach in hand, and made my descent into the depths. I'd heard tales about the dread place from other tourists who had attempted the expedition, and though they all came out with riches, none ever came out with what they went in for - the fabled amulet of Yendor, a souvenir like no other. I had barely cleared the first floor of the dungeon before stumbling across an altar, aligned to the dread god Offler. I lured some of the dungeon's denizens to the altar and converted it in the name of The Lady, and sent a few more sacrifices up along with it. I was rewarded with Mjollnir, a mighty hammer which would serve me well in my descent.
I continued downward, eventually coming across the gnomish mines. I decided to put my trip down off for a while and continued searching the floors - as I continued I found more and more altars, most of which were thankfully aligned with the Lady. I found five across the first five floors, and stopped my descent upon reaching the Oracle of Delphi. From monsters along the way I managed to obtain a suit of splint mail, and a handful of other reasonably nice pieces of armor - nothing earth shattering, but enough that I felt secure battling my way through the gnomish mines to the last piece of civilization between the outside world and gehennom - minetown.
My trip to minetown brought me an elven mail coat and a magic lamp - I hastily blessed the lamp and rubbed it, hoping to get a wish from the Djinni inside, but unfortunately he was not as grateful as I'd hoped and I was forced to put the poor sod out of his misery. The nearby priest of the lady approved, but certainly didn't lift a finger to help. I decided to continue downward and see what I could find at the end of the mines. It turned out to be a fruitful expedition, as I came upon a massive wine cellar. Doing some digging in a particularly mineral rich area, I came across a pile of valuable gems and a luckstone.
I went back up to the regular dungeon and continued my descent past the oracle, finding a curious series of rooms filled with pits and boulders. Filling the pits was child's play, and I managed to clear through the rooms in no time at all, only to stumble into a menagerie, filled with all sorts of horrid creatures. Mjollnir and I smashed our way through the swarm and fought to the cells on the far left side of the room, where I found a magical bag of holding on a patch of cement marked ELBERETH. The monsters seemed to have an aversion to the word, so I assumed it was a word of power and kept it in my mind for the future.
With bag of holding in tow, weapons and armor at the ready, I continued my descent, eventually coming across a massive room that stretched as far as I could see - and was filled with an incredible number of enemies! I hastily zapped a wand of digging downward and lept into the abyss, deciding to take my chances with the floors below rather than deal with the floor's threats. I quickly stumbled into a few more pit traps on top of it, and ended up having to crawl my way back up six floors of dungeon. I stumbled across few items of interest - the throne room of a local orc warlord, and the occasional group of rogue elves or gelatinous cube. When I was but a single floor away from the big room I had encountered earlier, I noticed something strange - the words ELBERETH hastily scrawled in the dust, next to two tremendous treasure chests filled with wands, sundries, and clothing items. I turned around the nearby corner and stumbled face first into an apparition!
Mjollnir made short work of the ghost, and I began to pick through the posessions of the fallen adventurer. The items stockpiled were mostly useless, but I was able to use his stockpile of scrolls to identify the majority of the scrolls I would later find in the dungeon. I also picked up a touchstone, which, when blessed, I used to identify the gems I found in the mines. Lastly, I found a cloak of displacement, and a pair of boots of speed, though both were badly rotted and damaged and in all honesty did more harm than good. I would need to find some way to repair the items, and strengthen their enchantments. For now, I donned them both for the beneficial effects, even if their protective auras were less than useful.
I then went back up to the big room and cleared my way through the swath of creatures - eventually finding another magic lamp! I took the lamp back downstairs, blessed it, and got a wish - lacking a good shield, I asked the Djinni for a Shield of Reflection, and soon I had the object in my hands.
I went back down and a few floors further, I heard the sound of money being counted - I followed the sound to it's source and dug a tunnel through the wall, finding a massive treasure vault. I took the coins and went further down, and followed the sounds where I could - I was able to amass quite a fortune this way, and thanks to the bag of holding I had no trouble carrying my funds. I eventually found a portal leading to the source of the wealth - a place called Fort Ludios - but I decided it would be better to come back later, when I had strengthened myself. I continued down, eventually recieving a message from Twoflower to return to my homeland for a dire matter - Though I quickly found a portal back, I had the feeling I was not ready for the challenge yet and continued downward.
Eventually, I found myself in a large hall, staring down a giant made of stone and crackling with electricity. This was one of the fabled Titans I had heard of from my fellows, and despite my best efforts he was quickly making short work of me. I scrambled back up the stairs with grievous wounds. A few potions and some rest later, and I began to head back up to deal with Fort Ludios.
Fort Ludios was a dangerous place, as I'd expected, guarded by a literal army of soldiers, no less than six dragons, and a large number of imps, giants, orcs, and other monsters. I narrowly avoided death half a dozen times thanks to my shield of reflection - as death ray after death ray was hurled at me by wand wielding guards. I fought my way through the garrison, and slew the dragons. The silver dragon that I slew was the most magnificent of all, and to honor the epic battle we had, I fashioned a travelling coat from his remains.
Once through the guards, I had to deal with the master of the castle - I froze the moat in front of the castle gates and knocked the doors off their hinges with a wand of striking. As soon as the doors went down, I was face to face with Croesus, lord of the fort and an army of his minions. He raised a familiar looking wand - and I raised my polished shield. The ray of death ricochetd back, cutting a swath through the minions who had dodged the ray when it was sent from behind them, and striking Croesus square in his chest. He crumpled. I stared in disbelief for a moment, until I noticed his minions renew the attack - and a few moving for the wand. I sprinted through the room and brought my hammer down on foe after foe until the room was clear. I cleared out the treasure rooms - and slew another dragon guarding his diamonds - and left with more gold than I could comfortably carry, even in my bag of holding.
So I decided to do the altruistic thing, and made a trip to minetown, where the temple of the lady waited. I handed almost all of the proceeds of my trip into Fort Ludios to the priestess, and in return I was rewarded with divine protection. Not a bad tradeoff! I decided with my newfound protection, my silver armor, and my trusty Mjollnir, I was ready to face whatever challenge Twoflower had planned for me. The news was grim. The fabled Platinum Yendorian Express card, which had no limit and was accepted everywhere we tourists wanted to be, had been stolen by the dastardly Master of Thieves! I tracked the thief to his lair - he had a lot to say, but to be honest, I didn't start my journey only to spend a lifetime at home, and before he was able to finish his monologue I put Mjollnir through his head. I took the Yendorian Express back, and picked up a bell he'd had on his corpse as a memento.
Twoflower told me to keep the card, and I did so gladly. Back on track with my quest, I continued my descent downward, back to the room with the Titan. This time, he was no challenge. I did some searching around, though, and saw a vast expanse of underwater ocean - I decided to dig down and see if I could fall through to another level of the dungeon - and I did! I continued down, eventually coming across a castle. The entryway looked particularly dangerous, especially thanks to the Kirin I ran into at the door who altered the whole dungeon to my prescense. I decided to look around the back way to see if I could enter from there - the back entrance was as well guarded as the front, and I was forced to wade through a gauntlet of dragons, a series of rust monsters, and a room full of giants, orcs, and soldiers. Once I finished clearing out the throne room of the castle, I explored the side passages, eventually finding an iron wand - which I soon identified as a wand of wishing!
I wished for a pair of powerful artifacts - Grayswandir and The Eye of Aethiopica. I also decided to wish for a new T-shirt, since the one I had come in with had been destroyed in an unfortunate incident with a polymorph trap. I used the remainder of my wishes for magic markers, which I used for genocide and enchant scrolls. I did away with as many threatening foes as I could, and thoroughly fortified my armor. I also enchanted Grayswandir, and a second silver saber for my descent into Gehennom. I used the Eye of Aethiopica to return to the fallen adventurer's stash, made some holy water, and prepared for my final push down.
I returned to the castle, waded through the valley of the dead, and then fought my way through Gehennom. On each level of the doomed place, I found myself facing a new foe - Asmodeus, Baalzebul, Orcus, Juiblex. First, Asmodeus attempted to parley with me - offered to sell me passage through Gehennom. I paid him my respects by burying Grayswandir to the hilt in his chest -he didn't much appreciate this, and attempted to flee, but I eventually cut him down and continued downward. Next came Baalzebul, who I slew so fast that I had barely realized I was fighting a demon lord. Juiblex nearly killed me, but I burrowed out with a wand of digging and lopped the amorphous blob in half with Grayswandir. I froze a passage across the swamp, and next found myself in an abandoned town, a dystopian mirror of minetown in the dungeon floors far above. The master of the place, Orcus, was waiting for me, with another wand of death. I reflected the beam, charged him, and took him down with a single blow of my sabers.
Seizing the wand, I continued downward, eventually coming across the lair of the ancient vampire, Vlad the Impaler. For a creature so ancient, he wasn't very powerful, and I was able to deal with him easier than I dealt with his fodder. In his tower I was able to find not only the candelabrum of invocation, but an Amulet of Life Saving as well! I donned the amulet and proceeded downward, eventually reaching the bottom - I located a vibrating patch of stone, and figured it would be important later, so I marked it ELBERETH and placed a pile of coins on top of it so I could remember it's location. I headed back upstairs, and found the tower of the Wizard of Yendor. I had heard "Rodney", as he was called by some in the kingdom of Yendor, was a dangerous foe, but I had a four pack of death wands and had been itching to use them for some time.
Rodney's minions were difficult, but managable - the wizard himself, I suspect he could have posed a threat, had I let him. He summoned foes to do battle with me just before I launched a ray of death at him. He hit the floor just as I was killing the last of his minions. I siezed the book of the dead, made my final descent, and returned to the vibrating square.
I lit the candleabrum of invocation. I rang the bell of opening. I read from the book of the dead. Pillars of fire erupted above me, and the ground sunk into the earth, black water rising up. I quickly froze a passage over the rising moat, knowing I would need it later, and descended into the depths of Moloch's sanctum. Many priests and acolytes stood between me and the altar of Moloch, but none were a match for me. I fought as a dervish, tearing a hole through their defenses. I slew the priest in three mighty blows, and took my prize - the amulet of Yendor.
My descent up was meteoric. I stopped for nothing. Twice the wizard attacked me, and both times I put him down with my wands of death. I crossed the ice bridge I had created over Juiblex's swamp, stepped over the rotting husk that was once Orcus, slogged through the trap filled corridors of Asmodeus' sanctum, ran past the vampires and ghosts of the valley of the dead. I whipped around the castle moat, and went straight up, never stopping until I had reached the top floor of the dungeon. Just as I saw light at the top of the staircase out, the air shifted, and I was pulled into a swirling portal.
I found myself in a stifling cave, staring down the wizard of yendor, a minotaur, and an elvenking. The wizard began to monologue, but we've already established I don't have time for this - I threw a beam of death at Rodney, and stuck a saber in the minotaur and elvenking. A bottle of gnomish wine and a scroll of detect gold found me the portal leading to my next challenge, the plane of air. At first, I had an easy enough time, but soon found myself surrounded - an archon cornered me, and summoned group after group of difficult enemies. With my health quickly dwindling, I grabbed a fistfull of healing potions from my bag of holding just as a curse fell upon my posessions - the bag became unbearably heavy, and I was forced to drop it. I ignored it for now, and hurled bolts of death into the crowd around me, cutting a path through the enemies to the archon, killing him and then one by one his minions. Then, I had to worry about my bag -I reached in to pull out holy water to rebless the bag, and a dozen of my prized souvenirs went with it, including my backup amulet of life saving. I was able to rebless the bag, and found my way out of the plane to my next challenge - the plane of fire.
The plane of fire was an intimidating place, but I managed to safely navigate my way through the fire traps, elementals and molten lava, and after a great deal of painstaking searching I found the portal to the elemental plane of water. The plane of water by comparison was a cakewalk - I have nothing to say about the place, other than to say that it was a very short trip, and free of dangers thanks to my doing away with sea monsters earlier in my adventure. I soon found the last portal - to the astral plane - and steeled myself for what lie ahead.
Many enemies, once gallant adventurers who had made the mistake of bringing fake amulets to the plane, stood between me and the altar of my chosen patron. I slew many of them, putting them finally out of their eternal misery as I waded through to the first altar I found. Guarded by the rider of pestilence, it was the altar of the chaos god Offler. Pestilence was hardly a challenge, but I was irritated at the situation to say the least. I turned back and headed down the western passage. Another group of adventurers and priests awaited me, and another rider - this time, Death. Once again, the rider was hardly a challenge, and the priests and adventurers, though noble in action, an irritant at best. I soon found myself face to face with the high priestess of the lady, and a familiar altar. I held the amulet high, and heard the booming voice of my patron.
So now, I have it all. Immortality, riches beyond my wildest dreams, and a story better than any other. I'm not a tourist anymore - I'm a traveler. And that's just how I want to be.