You know why Doom likes Image Fu so much? Because it's an event where "wanting to win" is translated directly into "victorious outcomes". He who gives the most fuck, winds up fucking the most over.
(I'm sure one or two of you contrarian chimpanzees would object to that idea, on the grounds that Image Fu favors the contestant with the most worldliness, stylistic inspiration, comedic pacing, and webspace. Or maybe that
any competition that isn't totally luck-dependent rewards the competitor who cares the most. And this is why we only average three new members a year, two of which are spambots and one of which is mentally ill: because you
cannot encounter an idea without contesting the most niggling of details. The reason Image Fu rewards the player who tries the hardest is because most judges are either simpletons who don't know any better or "experts" on the subject matter, who therefore work and compete in the same insular circles as the judged—and so will probably score according to the most obvious and concrete metric as possible, either out of expediency or a misguided attempt at diplomacy. If a judge does actually favor the occasional less, ah,
enthusiastic entry, you can at least count on such judgments being applied without any sort of consistency... which should explain why I'm going on so long, here: you can't count on a judge to recognize quality, but you
can count on them recognizing quantity, so you should cram as much of both into your entries as possible.
...And yes, judges, I am suggesting that you're a bunch of capricious fuckwits. Maybe if you hadn't formed a nation of your own, or if Doom had specified the rules a better, this wouldn't be happening to you now.)
Doom doesn't just like to win; he wants to
beat you at "liking to win", so he can like winning at that, too. He may joke about it, but he's basically the Hillary Clinton of online games and competitions: effective, ruthless, and completely awkward should somebody he encounter a superior foe. It's kind of sad how much it matters to him, and how much time he spends on it, since all those victories are the ephemeral events of a space where nothing matters. Sharkey (a one-note drunk whose coat-tails many of you are all
still furiously humping, despite not having written or done anything new since approximately 1997) likes to compare the boards to an ant farm. By that metaphor, Doom is the biggest, baddest, most bad-ass ant of them all: sure, he may win a lot, but all of his accomplishments stop becoming relevant the moment you leave the context of the ant farm. So fuck off, Doom, and try not to get carpal tunnel syndrome from bitching about all the bitching you're hearing about the WOElympics; it might hurt your ability to win games, and therefore experience any joy in life.
Although maybe I'm being too hard on Doom. At least he has a visible presence on the boards. Drethelin, by comparison, is that guy in a brown checkered suit who is seen drinking a martini 53 minutes and 16 seconds into
The Hangover: your eye skips right over him without seeing anything, unless you're specifically looking for him, and the only person with the time and patience and
desire to do so is probably his mom. Dreth's here to kick back and make low-content posts when it suits him and play the occasional game. Where Doom's more the obsessed connoisseur, drethelin is the union of onanism and laziness incarnate. So don't stare too hard if you happen to notice one of dreth's posts; he's just here for a little self-gratification. It'll all be over with quickly, and then you move on and come to terms with what you've witnessed: something banal, something gross, and something altogether furtive.
Say hi to your mom for me, dreth.
Then we have Frocto, who just happened to discover that Let's Play threads lead to increased youtube pageviews, more's the pity for us, and thus resolved to ride that horse as hard and as far as he could. It's kind of a shame that the rest of the internet had beaten that horse to death even before Frocto got to it. "Eat a dick?" Eat a dick yourself, Frocto, and
shit semen, and
then fucking upgrade your vernacular if you're going to build your internet empire on talking into a microphone while failing to play games. It would be nice to think that
somebody could get some pleasure out of your gigabytes of frivolous data, and it's obvious that you aren't. Possibly because you hold unrealistically narrow expectations about what makes a game satisfying to play: Super Mario World might not be much fun if you never learned about the run button. It might be playable; it might even be finishable. But it would certainly be a taxing, badly-paced experience—but that doesn't make the game
bad just because you missed out on the big picture. Set down your tequila, put on your pants, and stop assuming a game must be shit just because it doesn't immediately turn into a ninja or a blowjob.
Brent doesn't want you to know this, but for the past three years, the role of "Brentai" has actually been played by a 45-year-old, 270-lb. Malinese woman participating in a work-study program related to social psychology in cyberspace. Specifically,
this one.
Defenestration will have a hard time throwing anybody out the window from down there on the street, on account of how pedestrian he is. It's like he's falling over himself to avoid standing out in any way. Keep chasing that rainbow, champ.
Envy sucks doberman anus. I just killed a paragraph talking about how much of a failure he is for pulling off this huge transformation from a SoraCross-level poster into a drethelin-level poster that nobody else noticed or cares about; I kept overlooking the fact that, despite everything that's happened, he's still a shitty poster who doesn't write anything good or interesting. It doesn't matter how much he's improved if he still isn't contributing anything worth reading.
I honestly don't know what to say about Fortinbras: I used to get his posts confused with Fried Octopus's, back in the glorious days of the Pyoko hole, but nowadays Frocto has his shtick and Fort doesn't really do or say anything. If you really want to compete at a high level, Fort, maybe you should try having a personality? Or, really, any identifying features whatsoever?
Oh, wait, I remembered one: Fort was all about feet, and the filling of orifices thereby. I guess I could put my foot up your ass, and we'd both get something out of it.
And finally, Classic. I was going to post the lol emoticon as the entirety of my assessment of you, but I didn't want any shit-for-brains to see that and fail to notice the irony of such a response, so let me spell it out in simple terms: you're an idiot. With two exceptions, every post you've made is a fresh embarrassment on your behalf for anyone who reads it. If it seems someone's humoring whatever socially retarded conversational gambit you've decided to employ, let me disillusion you: they're just trying to get you to shut up, using any methods necessary. Even the most witless opponent seems wily compared to you; you're a cretin. Fuck along, now.