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Author Topic: The New Adventures of the Old Testament  (Read 2245 times)

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Royal☭

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Mothra

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The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2009, 05:47:50 PM »

What's this "let he who cast the first stone" horseshit?! Christ needs to cowboy the fuck up!

My favorite bit:

10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."
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Brentai

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Ye Olde Adventures of the New Testament
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2009, 05:51:50 PM »

As laughable as it is on the surface, it's in some twisted way a very smart move.  It's difficult for conservatives to maintain a solid position when their enemies can turn to just about any random page of their supposed manifesto and start pointing out flaws, contradictions and passages that flatly forbid the sorts of things conservatives love to do.  These are people who, by definition, refuse to have an epiphany; it's only logical that they come to the conclusion that if God disagrees with them, God is wrong.

On the other end, it's going to be a fucking laugh riot when they finally slog their way to the New Testament and realize they're going to have to censor just about every single thing that the Savior has ever said or done.  I mean, just to pick on the current topic of debate, Jesus Christ was a living instrument of universal health care.
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Friday

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Ye Olde Adventures of the New Testament
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2009, 05:56:02 PM »

The bible's first half is actually pretty right wing. (read: completely batshit insane) Maybe they should just claim the new testament was written by Satan and have done with it. It worked for fossils!
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Disposable Ninja

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2009, 05:59:53 PM »

The bible's first half was written by Jews, though.

Guess it's a lose-lose.
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Brentai

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2009, 06:00:32 PM »

I realize now they actually ARE starting with/sticking to the Bit with the Dead Hippie, but the topic title was cleverer with the word "Old" in it.  So.

Also, technically ALL of the Bible was written by Jews.

...which begs the question, if they want to worship the same God but ignore the teachings of Christ, why don't they just all convert to Judaism?  Certainly not an aversion to being seen as gold-hoarders.
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Catloaf

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The Oldnew Adventures of the Newold Testament
« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2009, 06:06:22 PM »

What's this "let he who cast the first stone" horseshit?! Christ needs to cowboy the fuck up!

My favorite bit:

10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."

It's even better when paired with this:
Quote
3.  Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level

Anyway, someone really needs to tell them that they're going to hell.  The 'Liberal Bias' they keep complaining about is inherent in the bible--especially in the new testament--and they're the ones changing it, rather than reverting it to a prior, more accurate form which is the only excuse for re-translation and the only reason that God would accept.
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François

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2009, 06:09:45 PM »

You forgot that Jews eat babies though. Probably foetus as well. And we know how fundies have raging hard-ons for the unborn.

In any case, I'm not sure how this all looks like to you heathens, but to a believer such as I, this is pretty high on the blasphemometer. I haven't been that offended since the Passion of the Christ people sold nail amulets.

I mean, I'm not all in a huff about it, I'm not that kind of guy. And I'm fairly certain this is just fringe lunatics getting fringer and lunaticer. But as far as perversions of ideas go it's still a damn awful one.
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JDigital

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The Oldnew Adventures of the Newold Testament
« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2009, 06:12:10 PM »

When the only tool you've got is a conservative wiki, every problem starts looking like liberals.
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Norondor

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2009, 06:14:18 PM »

In any case, I'm not sure how this all looks like to you heathens, but to a believer such as I, this is pretty high on the blasphemometer. I haven't been as offended since the Passion of the Christ people sold nail amulets.

Oh, yeah. Fuck, did they forget that the good book specifically says that anyone who changes a single word of it will burn for eternity?

Ha ha, no they didn't! they don't believe in god or in anything religious at all, but use it as a blunt instrument.
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Royal☭

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2009, 06:16:12 PM »

They want to inject free-market ideals into the Bible.  Despite being written several thousand years before the idea of the free-market.  I wonder how they'll do with that whole "Easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than the rich man to get into heaven" thing.


Seems they Right has gotten tired of trying to reconcile their beliefs with what the Bible says and have simply moved along to just outright changing the Bible.  Wonder if they'll insert whole passages from Atlas Shrugged into it.

Kashan

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The Oldnew Adventures of the Newold Testament
« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2009, 06:18:15 PM »

Even the old testament is pretty liberal, especially by the standards of the time. I mean the practice of Jubilee alone would destroy the conservatives entire concept of property of criminal justice.
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Classic

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2009, 06:23:45 PM »

I wonder how pissed the KJV fundies will be with this one.
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Misha

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #14 on: October 05, 2009, 06:29:58 PM »

I love this
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TA

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2009, 06:34:41 PM »

It would be hilarious to troll this, since it's a wiki effort, but I kinda want that not to happen.  I want the results of this to be pure.
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Brentai

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #16 on: October 05, 2009, 06:42:33 PM »

Yeah I'm more fascinated by what the end result will look like more than anything.

Though I can guess.  Ultraconservative rhetoric is depressingly indistinguishable from parody.
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JDigital

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2009, 06:44:08 PM »

At one point, he asserts that liberal bias has crept into the 1611 King James Version.

He also believes that Conservative neologisms can be more accurate than the original Greek and Hebrew.
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Catloaf

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2009, 07:35:12 PM »

You forgot that Jews eat babies though. Probably foetus as well. And we know how fundies have raging hard-ons for the unborn.
:facepalm:
We don't fucking eat them! We're the ones with rules about what food we can eat, remember?  We sell them back to the Goyum village elder in the dead of night so he can indulge his perversions then eat them himself.

As for the unborn... well, those are really great for Jew-Magics and can be transmuted into gold, rubies, diamonds, sapphires, other gemstones and most importantly the only antidote for the poison we put in everyone's drinking water.
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Norondor

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Re: The New Adventures of the Old Testament
« Reply #19 on: October 05, 2009, 07:37:24 PM »

do you have, like, that watch from Freakazoid that turns beavers into gold, but for babies

is that how it works
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