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Author Topic: KateStory Forever  (Read 9918 times)

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Thad

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KateStory Forever
« on: October 21, 2009, 11:01:10 PM »

It was 2009, and Janey Blackburn was beginning her second year at Miskatonic University.  It was a late night in early September, and she sat in the library, poring over an arcane tome under the hawkish stare and beakish nose of a very suspicious librarian.  It was hard to blame the old (middle-aged?  It was hard to tell) woman; this was a restricted text and could, in the wrong hands, unleash some serious shit.

Janey turned a crackling page, and a plume of dust wafted toward the ceiling.  She stifled a yawn.  Dimensional gates, dimensional gates...

She felt a rattle.  She shook her head to clear it.  Must be imagining things.

Another rattle.  Stronger, louder; the windows rattled.  Janey looked up.

It was 2008, and Glenn saluted as Girard paced back and forth in the oval office. George W. Bush sat not far off, playing with a rubik's cube. He'd finally managed to smash it apart with a gavel and was trying to put the 27 pieces back together.

"Are you sure you set enough fires?" Girard looked anxious and angry.


From the restricted section of the university library, the windows were barely visible, but Janey could see a reddish glow through them.  Oh, God dammit...

Janey's fears were corroborated when she looked up at the librarian.  The old (middle-aged?  It was hard to tell) woman had taken her eyes off her, and was peering intently at the window.  Her brow furrowed ever so slightly; if possible, she looked even more peeved than she had before.

It was 2005, and a man stood on a cliff overlooking an ocean.

The rattling increased.  Goddamn frat boys, nonononoNO...

Janey leapt from her seat and dashed out the door.  She sprinted to the curb, across the street, through a parking lot, and to the top of a hill.  Her fears were entirely confirmed.

It was 2005, and Geothermal still had no beer.  Fuckin' Afro Jon.

There was a giant pentacle chalked into the field below.  Red-robed figures ran from it, in slow motion, looks of horror on their faces.  At the center -- a blackness that stood out even against the darkness of the night.  And one hapless pledge, fallen onto his stomach, desperately clawing at the ground as an invisible force pulled him inexorably toward the nothing.

There was no doubt -- Miskatonic University was the single worst fucking school in the world for careless fraternity initiations.

It was 2004, and X walked down the street, covered in trash. HX walked beside him, nursing a bottle of motor oil and hobo vomit.

Janey bolted toward the gateway -- it was a gateway, she was certain.  The frat boys had opened it -- a harmless prank that had gotten far, far out of hand.

"Doooooooon't..."  Janey heard the voice of one of the slowly-fleeing figures, who slowly turned toward her with a look of shock on his hooded face, desbelieving that anyone should run TOWARD the hole in the field.

It was 2003, and everybody gasped! Oh my Fuck!

The weird distortion of spacetime did not affect Janey even as she approached the gate.  She was the daughter of a demon, and the only boon her father had left her was an immunity to demoniacal magic.  This was not common knowledge, and in fact she was blowing the hell out of her cover, but there was a life on the line.

It was 2002, and quite suddenly, and out of nowhere, Vincent Price appeared. He was pretty dead, but this somehow didn't stop him from having hot groupies who started go-go dancing upon the command of his abominable sidekick, who was, of course, named Igor.

She reached the poor pledge and reached for his wrists.

It was at this moment that she realized she was still carrying the book, clutched under her arm, her knuckles white against the cover.

It was 2001, and SnowJob finally realized that he, too, should consider retreating, but the delay coupled with his ridiculous ski/boots rendered him unable to escape.  He and the jokes about his name perished under the cataclysmic collapse of Dr. Billy's lab.

She kneeled, and hooked the pledge under her free arm, then hurled him as best she could away from the gate.  He didn't get very far, but it bought her enough time to flip to the index.

It was 1999, and LOGIC knew that then, finally, it had trumphed.

"Gateways, alien, azure, black, blacker than night itself...page 473..."

It was 1997, and suddenly a chorus started to sing:
o~/ They're Scarlet and Heidegg'
o~/ Scarlet and Heidegg'
o~/ One is a fat man
o~/ The other's a slut...


The inexorable force of the gate had pulled the pledge back toward her.  She kicked him a few more feet as she flipped pages.

It was 1997, and X withdrew three foam rubber cutouts in the shape of Bill Clinton's head.

"Three basic types, yadda yadda...distinct features...opening, yeah, that's undergrad shit, obviously...ah."  Her finger lit on the heading, "Closing."

It was 1996, and Crazy Willy tossed his head back and screamed, then began beating everyone up.

Redd was still sobbing, banging his head on the floor and yelling "Why me? Why me?!" over and over.

Frog took his Utterly Useless Masamune Which Wouldn't Light Up, and with a mighty slash cut himself a piece of the roast beef sandwich.

The Flyin' Dork climbed on top Wokko's refrigerator and leapt off, flapping his "wings" rapidly. He hovered for a second, then fell through the floor.

"Moo," said the cow.

Crazy Willy hit the cow with his chain, then flushed him down the toilet.

The Flyin' Dork climbed onto the refrigerator and made another attempt to fly, but instead he fell on the weeping Redd and smashed through the floor.

And then the world exploded.


A look of intense concentration appeared on Janey's face, and beads of sweat formed across her brow.  She began muttering guttural sounds, and traced a series of very precise arcane symbols in the air.  Finally, she kicked the dirt before her, scattering soil and grass.

It was 1995, and HX choked, "Listen! Some of my friends are coming to have a talk with you. One's my sister. The other's got a hand that works like a futuristic toaster. Following me?"

There was a tremor, the strongest yet, a feeling of constricting, and a Lavos shriek -- and the blackness began, perceptibly, to shrink.

It was 1997, and everyone ran, but Batman was stopped and made into a tire from a Big-O store manager. The Riddler's suit was made into a new cap for Link (who isn't in the story but he gets a new cap anyway). Robin whined that he was out of a movie career, but it didn't matter because he didn't have one anyway.

Janey heaved a sigh, and mopped the sweat from her brow.

Her mistake was in letting her guard down.

It was 1995, and suddenly, something happened.

Slowly, inexorably, and absurdly, a vaudeville hook extended from the gate and grabbed Janey by the ankles.  She was immune to the gate's magical influence, but not to something as simple as a physical object yanking her through it --

It was 1995, and Yakko Wakko and Dot ran by, and Sméagol followed.

"Oh great," muttered Kate, "My loony brother, Animaniacs, and a skits-a-frantic thing!"


-- and she was falling, falling --

It was 1994, and Billy didn't know what to do, so he bashed his head on the record player. Luckily, it was a magic record player.

falling through time...

It was 1994, and Kelly was a girl who lived in a faraway land. She was bored a lot, so she decided to go on an adventure.

Janey faceplanted, with a loud bump.  "Where am I?"

"The beginning of time," responded a voice.  "Well...for our purposes, anyway."

Janey looked up.  The sun was blinding, especially after the darkness of the night she had come from; there was a man in front of her but she couldn't make out any features beneath the spots in her eyes.  He extended a hand and she took it.  She stood and immediately collapsed; he caught her.

"Easy now."

Janey blinked and took some deep breaths.

"Th-thank you...I...I can stand on my own."  She pushed away and dusted herself off, then slowly, finally, got a good look at the man.

"I -- I know you.  Well...kind of..."

"Lots of people kind of know me," he responded, and extended his hand.  "Larry Tin--"

"Tinnik, yes," Janey interrupted.  "I saw you in a vision once."

"Sure you did, kiddo, sure you did.  Listen, though, we'll catch up later -- you don't belong here."

"I sure as hell DON'T."

"Yeah, time to go now, Ms. Blackburn.  Sayonara."  He put his arms around her middle and pulled her forward, and she got the strangest sensation of being attached to a giant rubber band...

Snap.

Janey whizzed forward through time, back to 2009, and flew through an empty field into a tree.

Her eyes hadn't adjusted to the dark yet, but she could make out the hawkish form of a very angry librarian.

"How did you take that book out of the library?" the old (middle-aged?  It was hard to tell) woman demanded.  "The wards should have stopped you."

-----

Welcome to KateStory XVIII.  Post a reply and continue the story.

There's another 15 years' worth of these things on my website, but my nameservers have picked a hell of a time to stop nameserving.  It is most likely for the best; fuck continuity, write whatever you want.
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Friday

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2009, 11:21:45 PM »

"My father was a demon," Janey replied simply, shrugging.

The old (middle-aged? It was hard to tell) woman suddenly pointed and shrieked. "A hellspawn half-breed witch! Foul gwimmerk carrion dwinkinlerty! Grobble snatch, a vorpal catch! Begone!"

With that, the old (middle-aged? It was hard to tell) woman suddenly whipped out a gigantic scythe and decapitated Janey. Blood spurted in a pathetic little fountain for a moment, then Janey's body slumped to the floor as her head tumbled over and over in the air, a permanent shock of surprise written on her features.

*****************************

"What the FUCK!?" yelled Thad, sitting at his computer, reading the latest update to KateStory. "That's not what happened! Goddamn these random authors, fucking with my story!"

"And how would you know what actually happened, hmm?" asked a voice from behind Thad.

Thad rotated 180 degrees in his chair, but was still unable to sit properly in it. "It's you!" he screamed.

"How are you -- Shut up," Brentai replied. "You didn't answer my question."

Thad's expression calmed, and he leaned back in his chair, lifting one hand to stroke his chin. The sun slanted through the blinds, casting sudden weird shadows on his face.

"Because I was there," Thad said, a faraway look in his eyes. "How do I know what really happened? Because I was there."

********************************

"Because my father was a demon," Janey said, slipping. She hastily covered her mouth with one hand.

The old (Middle-aged? It was hard to tell) woman shrieked suddenly and pointed. "I knew it! Hellspawn halfbreed bitch! Foul dwimmerk lord carrion bugga bugga!"

And with that, the old (Middle-aged? It was hard to tell) woman suddenly whipped out a gigantic plasma cannon and began to charge it up.

Janey's eyes grew wide. "What the fuc --"

Suddenly, Thad swooped in from above, neatly decapitating the old (well, dead, now, technically) woman with his vorpal sword.

"Snicker snack, bitch," Thad said, wiping off his blade on his huge pectoral muscles.

"Ohhhh, my hero!" Janey crooned.

"Come with me, dear! I shall show you how a REAL man pleases a woman!" Thad boomed, flexing.

"Ohhhh, Thaddy, you're so big and manly!" Janey giggled, and ran into his arms.

And with that, they both walked into the sunset.

**********************************

"Bullshit," Brentai said.

"What?" Thad replied, leaning forward in his chair.

"That's not what happened at all!" Brentai shook his finger at Thad.

"How the fuck would YOU know?!" Thad asked, spitting.

"Because..." Brentai said slowly, thoughtfully, stroking his chin. "I was there."

********************************

Bretai Belmo leaned back in his desk chair as the sun's last rays caressed his ample leg muscles --

********************************

"You're so full of shit," Thad said, cutting him off.

"How would you know? You're obviously just making shit up," Brentai countered.

"You're both wrong. About everything," said a voice from behind. "I would know, I was there."

They both spun around. Thad actually did a full 360 because he was already facing the correct direction to see the newcomer.

"It's you!" they both said at the same time.

"Indeed it is I!" said the old (Middle-aged? It was hard to tell) woman. "And now I will tell the true story of what happened!"
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McDohl

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2009, 12:12:29 AM »

Because Brentai had been fed up with the guy for God knows how long, the Vampire Hunter Extrordinaire Hedgehog EX had used the totally awesome Chaos Force to transform himself from a squatty hedgehog in to a squatty baby-turd colored man.

Simo Belmo, Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire, looked at the 1901 Chevy Malibu.  The 1901 Chevy Malibu looked at Simo Belmo, Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire.  "Well done, Hedgeho--er, Simo Belmo," said the 1901 Chevy Malibu.

Simo Belmo growled in response.  "To hell with you, 1901 Chevy Malibu."  Simo Belmo knew that some goddamned vampire would still recognize him as the hedgehog from the past fifteen years, but that wouldn't stop him from doing everything he could to erase his terribly embarrassing past.  He walked to the guardrail of the bridge, and looked down at the river below.

In one fluid motion, he whipped out a sack from inside his trench coat, because, hey, that's what you fuckin' do when you wear a trench coat, and with honed reflexes, opened the bag and out fell seven crystals, dropping them in to the fast-running water below.

In one fluid motion, Simo Belmo, Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire, spun 160 degrees and shoved a stake in a vampire's throat, killing it instantly with honed reflexes.  Then he heard the moaning.

"Braaaaaaaains..."

"Oh, fome damn it," said Simo Belmo, Vampire-And-Not-Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire, who had no real way to combat zombies.

A whole gaggle of zombies shambled their way toward Simo Belmo, Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire and the 1901 Chevy Malibu.

Suddenly, the zombies, with honed reflexes and in one fluid motion, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_f76PJ4P8g

"Shit." Said Simo Belmo and the 1901 Chevy Malibu simultaneously and they ran the fuck off.

------------------------------------------------------

It was almost Halloween.  That meant the Holy Trinity was decorating the Fortress of Craptitude for the holiday.

BUT SINCE THAD'S WEBSITE WAS DICKED UP WITH DNS ISSUES AND WHATEVER THE FUCK, ADAM COULDN'T WRITE IN THE STANDARD HOLY TRINITY FASHION, AND HAD TO RESORT TO TERRIBLE LOOKING IRC-STYLE QUOTING AND RESOLVED TO FIX IT WHEN THAD'S WEBSITE WAS FINISHED TAKING IT IN THE MOUTH

<Brent> There, it's mostly done.
<Thad> Um...that's quite a bit of gore and viscera.  Like, a lot more than should normally be in a Halloween decoration.
<Brent> Of course.  I'm trying to keep those snot-nosed kids AWAY this year.  Should I hang the cadavers from the tree or outside the windows?
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Brentai

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2009, 02:30:10 PM »

Brentai stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"1904," he corrected, again.
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Thad

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2009, 08:37:47 PM »

"My father was a demon," Janey tersely replied -- best to get it over with.

The old (middle-aged?  It was hard to tell) woman managed to snarl, sneer, and purse her lips all at once.  "Hellspawn halfbreed -- oho, there will be an investigation, girl, and it may just end with you on a dissection table."

"That's enough, Miss Salazar," said a mild but commanding voice.

Janey was surprised and gratified to see the blood drain out of the old (middle-aged?  It was hard to tell) woman -- Miss Salazar? -- 's face.  The librarian slowly turned to look at the figure of a man who wore fine but anachronistic clothes -- Victorian, Janey guessed, but British fashion wasn't her best subject -- and had a bushy, waxed mustache over a kindly smile.

"You," hissed Miss Salazar.

"Me," the man responded.  He turned to Janey and shook her hand.  "Lord Fenwick Minton, they call me around here.  It's an awfully stuffy honorific and I would much prefer it if you called me Fig."

"And I'm his trusted ally!" shouted an overenthusiastic man who suddenly jumped out from behind him.  Janey recognized him, with some considerable distaste, as the man who had given her some spiel embracing her destiny the previous semester.

Fig was apologetic.  "Miss Blackburn, this man is not with me.  I have never met him before.  He just started following me."

"You demented, doddering old bastard!" hissed Miss Salazar.

"I am no longer demented!" Fig protested.  "I've begun traveling again!  Visiting some of my old vacation homes, you know.  At any rate, this young lady does not deserve your meddling, Vera.  She just saved somebody's life.  Maybe several somebodies'."

"The gate --"

Fig cut her off.  "Geas tacitum daemonicus, Vera Salazar!"

Miss Salazar's eyes bugged and her mouth gaped -- more out of shock than any force from the spell.

"Bastard," she finally spat.

"You will help this young lady with her books," Fig said, "and leave her alone otherwise."

"You can reshelve this one, if you like," Janey said coldly, and shoved the tome into Miss Salazar's hands without looking directly at her.  "Thank you, Fig."

"You're very welcome, Miss Blackburn, and it was a pleasure to meet you.  If you ever want to join me at my vacation home, you are welcome.  Here is my card."

"Join us!" urged the man in black, the man who had introduced himself to Janey as his death some months before.  "Embrace your destiny!"

"Stop saying that!" shouted Janey and Fig in unison.

"He's not with me," said Fig.  "Really, he's not.  Miss Blackburn, I am at your service any time you wish to talk, but for now it is very late and you have had an exhausting evening.  Ah!  Here's Jones now."

A black Rolls Royce pulled up.

"Once again, it was my pleasure," said Fig.  "Goodnight."  He slid into the backseat of the car.  His Death attempted to slide in beside him; Fig slammed the car door in his face.  Janey was sure she saw him lean forward and heard him say to his driver, "Man, FUCK that guy."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And so you can see why I came to you," Vera Salazar seethed.

"Yeah, yeah," said Thad.  "Blah blah geas, you can't tell anybody what you've heard.  But you can chat about it with us, because we already know."

"So are you just here to gossip?" asked Brent.  "Or was there anything else you wanted?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(PS: Website's back up -- though it's a DNS propagation thing so YMMV.  I've tweaked the KateStory index, but haven't gotten around to updating the characters page yet.)
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Cyan Prime

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2009, 12:26:25 AM »

And than Frocto appeared and reviled Thad is a SNATCHER. Of course he had the evidence for this, Thad kept wearing sunscreen in winter, and wouldn't go out unless it was night. Frocto was on the verge of killing SNATCHER Thad when Copy X appeared and attacked him. Frocto knew he couldn't handle both of them, so he retreated post haste.
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Frocto

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2009, 12:58:43 AM »

admins if you delete that post you are monsters
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"And it is because they have fallen prey to a weakened, feminized version of Christianity that is only about softer virtues such as compassion and not in any part about the muscular Christian virtues of individual responsibility and accountability."

Kazz

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2009, 02:31:24 AM »

Gok Tinnik, CEO of Demonwang Foods Inc. and multibillionaire playboy, gazed longingly at his favorite diamond-studded magnifying glass.  He recalled his days solving mysteries... rather, that one mystery, once.  And even then he didn't quite get it right.

He spent the rest of the day riding a horse through the office building, throwing eggs at his employees.  They pretended not to mind.
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Brentai

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2009, 09:54:05 AM »

Brentai stroked his chin thoughtfully.  Vera Salazar finished recanting the entirety of the last nearly 27 years of his life.  He glanced at each of the other forum members present and then just buried his face in his hands.

"I hate you all," he finally said, and heaved a long suffering sigh.
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McDohl

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2009, 01:04:18 PM »

"Wait, wait, wait," Adam said.  "Are you telling me that Gok turned his street corner cart business selling fried demon chunks in paper baskets in to a multi-billion dollar corporation OVERNIGHT?"

LOGIC, bent over a toilet, heaved another stomach full of bile and alcohol from the Election '08 party.  Yes, he had been hurling for over a year.

Plot was still passed out on the couch.
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Friday

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2009, 08:32:10 PM »

Kazz readied his grappling hook. He was standing at street level of the huge skyscraper that housed Demonwang Foods Inc's offices. It was going to be a long climb, but to protect the 12 states of AMERICA, Kazz would climb any building, hurdle any obstacle.

Several minutes later, Kazz crashed through the window of the 37th floor. He stroked his chin thoughtfully. What was the best way to determine what employees were normal, everyday, hardworking Americans, and which were sinister terrorists, bent on bringing down capitalism and installing communism and anarchy?

Suddenly, it hit him. He walked over to a nearby secretary, who was cleaning egg off her blouse.

"Hello," Kazz said, smiling.

"Hello," the girl replied, with a practiced fake smile.

"Do you like working here?" Kazz asked, eyes gleaming.

"Not really," the girl admitted. "I feel like such a sheep."

"Oh, you are done."
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Cyan Prime

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2009, 09:12:36 PM »

But the building was really SNATCHER Thad's rocketship, and it blasted off into space!
Kazz got distracted by a shiny thing and forgot what he was doing, but that's when Random Hajile busted through the door and punched SNATCHER Thad out! Now the rocket ship is out of control, and heading strait for...
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McDohl

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #12 on: November 06, 2009, 08:25:55 AM »

...the Dagobah system!

Meanwhile, back at stately Wayne Manor...
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Cyan Prime

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #13 on: November 06, 2009, 09:16:41 PM »

Superman busted through the door and yelled "Where are my panties!" and Batman replied...
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Frocto

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #14 on: November 06, 2009, 11:12:26 PM »

"Imagine an advance in medical science enabling a healthy penis to be removed from a boy and placed somewhere else, while keeping it alive and active. I put it on a desk, on a wall, on the forehead of a horse to make a kind of unicorn, etc.. “Well then, but isn’t it still a male sex organ?” Well, now you are just getting caught up in the language. The penis is now a decoration, or a paperweight, not a sex organ.

"Suppose I remove my penis and attach it to my fist so as to achieve greater force of penetration during intercourse. Traditional definitions would presumably have no difficulties with this, as the penis is still a male sex organ."
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"And it is because they have fallen prey to a weakened, feminized version of Christianity that is only about softer virtues such as compassion and not in any part about the muscular Christian virtues of individual responsibility and accountability."

McDohl

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #15 on: November 07, 2009, 12:40:39 AM »

Superman stared at Batman.  "What the flying fuck does that have to do with my panties?"

Batman stared at Superman for a long moment.  "Why the flying fuck are you wearing panties?"

---------------------------

Cyan Prime lifted the bloodied baseball bat over Plot's unconscious body over and over again, bringing it down in sickening crunch after sickening crunch.  Frocto silently, but furiously masturbated in the corner of the room.

The Holy Trinity Signal was shining brightly against the night sky.
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Thad

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2009, 05:02:51 PM »

"You FOOOOOOOOOL!" shouted the man in black.  "This karaoke bar shall be your tomb!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hm," said Brent, stroking his chin in thought.  "I like it."

"Thanks," said Thad.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I am he that is called his death," the man continued, "and tonight, you may find that he -- is you, Morgan!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Morgan?" said Brent.

"Yeah," said Thad.  "What should I make his first name?  Nemo?  Drago?"

"If you make it Nemo, we can make Finding Nemo jokes."

"Drago it is."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drago Morgan was, of course, the crazed and disheveled man who had been ineffectually stalking Janey Blackburn since the previous spring.  Since his latest attempt on her life -- a trip to a Chicago tenement with his trusty lighter-on-a-stick -- had failed, he had tracked her to a karaoke bar she had attended once in the late 1990's.

"MY death?" Drago rasped.  "It is you who is a fool and also will be dying!"

The man in the black suit, the man called his death, responded darkly, "You hunt the half-blood.  I shall not allow you to interfere with her destiny.  You have left me no choice...Lanny Lungfungus, go!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"'Lanny Lungfungus'?" Brent said incredulously.

"I like the sound of it," Thad responded.

"What, were you going to call him Larry, but then you remembered there was already a Larry?"

"Yeah," said Thad, "but Lanny works better anyway.  I like the nnnn.  It goes with lunnnngfunnnngus."

"You name a lot of characters Larry," Brent noted.

"Larry is a funny name," Thad responded.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the dimunitive mushroom man leapt from his death's jacket pocket, his death reflected on the short time they had known each other.  Lanny Lungfungus was his only friend.  Lanny never judged him, never said "Man, FUCK that guy."

Morgan's already-raspy voice got raspier.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh hey look, the Trinity Signal," said Brent.

"Hmm," said Thad, "yes.  My computer says that there's a disturbance at the karaoke bar."

"Of COURSE it does," Brent responded.  "You're writing it RIGHT NOW."

Thad shrugged.  "We should go check it out."  He stood up and abruptly bumped into somebody.  He turned to see an old (middle-aged?  It was hard to tell) woman with her arms folded in impatience.

"Oh, right, you're still here.  Want to come with?"

Brent took Thad aside and whispered, "Are you sure that's a good idea?  Taking Ms. Salazar to meet Drago Morgan?"

"Don't worry," Thad responded conspiratorially, "I have a plan."

"No you don't."

"Well, no, I don't.  But dude...KateStory."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The karaoke bar filled with the sounds of unprofessional singing.

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom
Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom
Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom
Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom


Morgan crumpled to the floor, clutching at his throat.  He wheezed, and stared daggers at his death.

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom
Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom
Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom
Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom


His death did a too-flashy spin and swung his fist to deliver a coup de grace.

It was a night like this forty million years ago

Morgan rolled, still wheezing.

I lit a cigarette, picked up a monkey skull to go

Morgan pulled a pathetic leg sweep.  His death was overconfident enough that it knocked him off-balance.

The sun was spittin' fire, the sky was blue as ice
I felt a little tired, so I watched Miami Vice


His death stumbled forward.  Morgan got onto his feet, Lanny Lungfungus still pummeling him from within, and lurched toward the exit.

I Walked the dinosaur, I walked the dinosauuuuuuuuur

There was an explosion of bricks.  One clonked his death right in the noggin.  The singer was undeterred.

Open the door, get on the floor
Everybody walk the dinosaur
Open the door, get on the floor
Everybody walk the dinosaur


"Man," shouted Vera, from the driver seat of the Trinity-Mobile, "FUCK that guy."

"Man," wheezed his death, "that car kicks a lot of ass."
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Friday

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2009, 06:06:35 PM »

Thad, Brentai, and the old (midd -- BLAM BLAM BLAM.) woman walked out the door and got in the elevator.

"This is a bad idea," Brentai said. "Nothing good ever happens in fiction when you're in an elevator."

"True," replied Thad, "but obviously nothing bad can happen to us, because I'm not actually sitting in front of my computer writing this anymore."

"Then who is writing this, right now?" Questioned Ms. Salazar.

"Probably someone who hasn't read the archives," Thad said, sighing. "Someone with no regard for continuity at all."

Suddenly, an alarm blared.

"See, I fucking told you!" Brentai scowled. "Never go into an elevator when you're a fictionalized version of yourself in a fictional story."

"Nah, that was just the Meta-Alarm," explained Thad. "I had it installed last week."

The alarm went off again.

Brentai scowled deeper. "A meta-alarm? That's the stupidest --"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Plot continued to --

BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Logic --

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Ms. Salazar crossed her arms and said "Well this is just sil --"

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And then the unive --

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Friday kept being interrupted by the --

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

BLAM!

Brentai lowered the smoking .38 in his hand. Bits of plastic and electrical parts rained from the ceiling.

"God damn it, that thing cost me seventy-eight dollars! That's coming out of your paycheck," Thad said.

"You don't pay me," Brentai noted.

**********************************

Thad and Brent hopped out of the Trinity-Mobile. Each was carrying one of those big shiny future guns that were used by Will Smith and Tommy Lee-Jones in Men in Black.

"The situation is under control," Thad said coolly to the onlookers in the bar.

Everybody walk the dinosaur

"Man, I don't even know what the fuck is going on anymore," Brentai said. "Are we here to stop his death? Isn't his death trying to stop Drago, who is hunting Janey, who is a good guy? Doesn't that make his death a good guy, too? And doesn't Ms. Salazar also have something out for Drago, which was hinted at in the previous update, and since we've established that Drago is a bad guy who tried to stalk and kill Janey, our friend, a good guy, doesn't that make the old -- Ms. Salazar a good guy too, despite being cast earlier clearly in an antagonistic role?"

Thad sighed. "Maybe if Friday would actually read the archives, she would know the answers to these ques --"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

"Uh, Thad," I have some bad news," Brentai said, swallowing.

Everybody walk the dinosauuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ms. Salazar stepped out of the car. "What in blazes is going on here!?"

All the onlookers were suddenly watching Thad, Brentai, his death, Drago, and Ms. Salazar, with a very hungry gleam in their eyes.

Dinooooooooosauuuuurrrrrrr

Thad nervously swung his large shiny plasma cannon back and forth, covering the crowd. "What is it, Brent?"

Suddenly, everyone in the bar who didn't have a name, including the guy singing about dinosaurs, ripped off their human masks and erupted into Velociraptors.

Brentai swallowed. "I think... Thad, I think the Raptors have learned how to karaoke."
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Friday

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2009, 06:22:55 PM »

"Well, looks like it's time to rock and roll," Thad said, pumping his weapon and taking aim at the nearest Raptor.

"Thad, no! Don't --" Brentai exclaimed.

But it was too late. Thad pulled the trigger and a blast of plasma energy flew out of the barrel and hit him square in the chest, knocking him over backward.

"What the fuck!" Thad said, picking himself up. "The gun fired fucking backwards!"

"Have you tried rotating the weapon 180 degrees?" asked Brentai, smirking slightly.

Thad glared at him. "Don't tell me you made a double post just so you could include that joke."

Brentai shrugged. "Man, why are you mad at me? I didn't have shit to do with it. Hell, the non-fictional version of me is probably not even reading this shit."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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Brentai

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Re: KateStory Forever
« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2009, 07:13:34 PM »

My mother changed her name to Morgan.
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