Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Thad]

"We're getting the hell out of here!" shouted Vera.  She grabbed Morgan by the scruff of the neck and started dragging him to the exit.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT THE DEMON GIRL!" shouted Morgan.

Vera was surprised enough that she stopped dragging him for a moment and peered down at him.  "...What?"

"The demon girl!  Shut up about her!  I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE STILL HAVING THIS CONVERSATION!"

"But I...you were...but we..."  Vera sighed.  "We'll talk about this later."  And she dragged Morgan through the rear exit.

In an ironic and highly improbable twist, no sooner had they left than Janey Blackburn walked through the front door.  "Come on, Fig," she said, "you'll love this place.  I came here once in the late 1990's, and HOLY SHIT RAPTORS!"

Janey blinked.  Fig blinked.  The raptors blinked.

"It is a good thing," said Janey, "that whenever I go to a karaoke bar...I bring my UZI!!!"  She withdrew an Uzi from her coat pocket and began unloading it into the crowd.

"Haha!" exclaimed Fig over the din.  "What sport!  JONES!  Fetch me my sword-cane!"

"You're holding it in your left hand, Milord," said Jones.

"So I am.  So I am!  Jolly good.  Jol-LY GOOOD."  He unsheathed his sword and leapt into the fray.  A slavering beast darted toward him, and he ran it through.  It exhaled noxious breath into his face.

"FUCK YOU, DINOSAUR!" bellowed Fig, and savagely kicked the beast off the end of his sword.

"Very pithy, Sir," said Jones.

"Thank you, Jones," Fig responded.  "JONES!  Capital idea!  Fetch me my pith helmet!"

"Yes, Milord."  Jones heaved a long-suffering sigh, but Fig could see a smile playing at the edges of his mouth.


"Oh barkeep!" Thad called.  "Barkeep?  Arrogant Bastard!"

The barkeep rounded.  "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"

Brent rolled his eyes.  Thad shrugged comically.

And behind them, the battle raged on...

[Guild]

Seelzar the Velociraptor sat at the back of the bar with his lovely girlfriend, Elayne, contemplating the strange dance-off that appeared to be forming in the center of the bar. "What do you think is going on, honey?" Elayne looked concerned through her obvious human suit they wore to be cool with this crowd.

"I don't know, Elayne. It looks like it could be trouble. Want to sneak out the back?" Seelzar shifted his human mask a bit to the left and then back forward again. Elayne was staring daggers at him.

"Get over there and get the manager, Seelzar. Quit being so beta." She looked into her purse and radiated annoyed girlfriend waves. He sighed and got up. "Honey, maybe you could go into the bathroom. Your makeup is a bit runny."

She nodded and stood up. He watched her disappear and played with the strap on his black bag, tasting the air and sensing the incoming carnage. "Some heavy shit is about to go down." he muttered to himself.

Making a rational decision, he pulled his mask off and ripped the bag open with his teeth, snatching the two fully automatic AK47s out of the air in ready-to-fire position and opening up on the humans and other velociraptors around him. He wasn't going down. Not like this. They'd have to take him in dead.

He hoped Elayne would stay in the loo, but predictably she wandered out, a dazed expression on her face. "Seelzar? Where are you?" He managed to dodge an incoming projectile and a sword, shooting a turd-colored man in the leg by dumb luck as he tried desperately to control the weapons discharging in his too-small talons, his weak arms spinning like lawn sprinklers.

"GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM HONEY!" He tried to use his most commanding voice. She only walked stupidly closer to him, her tiny arms crossed, her talons clacking nervously on the hardwood floor of the fancy tavern. "God damn it." Seelzar dropped the guns and dived over the narrow space between him and the dinosaur he loved...

[Guild]

Rygaron watched the events unfolding with some middling consternation. He turned to the huge video display of Guildenstern's head he kept on his office wall and spoke, his consonants clipped and gravelly. "Why am I here? Who are you? Why do I hear a voiceover?"

Guild merely shook his head. "Beats me dude."

[Thad]

As they made their retreat on Morgan's speedboat, curls of Vera's hair came loose from her bun and streamed behind her.  She looked younger, somehow, more vital -- hotter.  Less Nurse Ratched and more Hot for Teacher.

"And so you see -- OOH! it tingles! hang on, let me get this."  She reached into her pocket and withdrew her furiously vibrating cellular telephone.

"Seelzar?  What?  You -- WHAT?  You're -- why didn't you --?!  You -- what?  Who?  You have got to be --"  She sighed.  "I'll handle it.  Love you too."

She turned to Morgan.  "You're not going to fucking believe this," she muttered.  "My brother was in that karaoke bar we JUST LEFT."

There was a moment's stunned silence.

"Let me get this straight," Drago said.  "Your brother's name...is Seelzar Salazar?"

"Yes."

"And he's a...?"

"Velociraptor, yes."

"How--?"

"There's more," the middle-aged (thirtysomething? it was hard to tell) woman interrupted.  "Three people entered the room right after we left.  From their descriptions, I can guarantee one of them is Lord Fenwick Minton, and reasonably assume another is Jane Blackburn."

Drago stared blankly for a moment.

"Jane Blackburn," Vera repeated.

Drago stared blankly for another moment, and then finally gave a pithy, "Who...?"

"The woman you're stalking," Vera deadpanned.

"WOULD YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT HER?!" Drago exploded.  "And anyway, I'm not stalking her.  She's a half-demon, and I'm trying to destroy her.  I have had a series of adventures.  First I tracked her to Keystone University, except she wasn't there.  And then I tracked her to a post office, but she wasn't there either.  And then there was the bus station.  Then the movie theater.  And then..."

-----

"Are we still in the fucking karaoke bar?" Thad asked.

Brent grunted in what he hoped was a very apathetic manner.

"You're right," said Thad.  "Time to get us the fuck out of here."

-----

"...and then there was the supermarket --"

"Listen," Vera at last cut him off.  "Somehow, you've gotten one right.  She's actually AT the karaoke bar."

A dawning realization slowly, very slowly, crossed Drago Morgan's face.  He reached into a compartment in the speedboat, and withdrew an M-80.  He lit it with his Girad Gun, then threw it into the air.  He used his Girard Gun as a bat and hit it in the general direction of the karaoke bar.

Aside from the untimely death of a school of fish, none of that had anything to do with what happened next, but for years after Drago would claim credit for destroying the karaoke bar all across the Internet forums he read.  And then delete all his posts.  And demand everyone pretend he had never written them.

-----

Janey sniffed.  "That's not gunpowder," she said.

"What?" said Fig, resplendent in his pith helmet, as he pulled the pin from a grenade with his teeth and hurled it.

A look of panic crossed Janey's face.

"WE'VE HIT A GAS MAIN!  GET THE FUCK OUT!" she cried.  With superhuman speed, she leapt forward, catching Fig under one arm and Jones under the other.  She crashed through the front doors.

And then the karaoke bar exploded.

-----

"NOOOOOOOOOO" shouted Seelzar Salazar.  "IT CAN'T END LIKE THIIIIIIS"

"You're right," said a voice.  A giant robotic hand reached out and caught him and Elayne in midair as they flew away from the shockwave.

Well...not really.  The hand wasn't so big.  Actually there were two robotic hands, and they kind of grabbed them and pulled them to a giant robotic chest.  Then set them on the ground.

"Th...thanks?" hissed Seelzar.  "Who...who are you?"

He looked up, slowly, at their savior, and then surreptitiously back at the flaming wreckage of the karaoke bar, and then at their savior again.

It was a girl in a mech.  Not a giant warmech.  There had been budget cuts, and it didn't have any weaponry as far as he could see, and it wasn't giant, either, only about the size of a small Buick.  All the same, it was a sight for sore eyes.

"My name..." the figure inside the mech paused dramatically, "is Kelly London.  I am here to rescue the both of you from this karaoke bar."

"But...why?" Seelzar asked hoarsely.

"Wherever thosee two clowns go," Kelly intoned, "devastation follows.  And in a sea of redshirts...well, your story is not yet over."

Seelzar nodded, very slowly, still in shock.

"I think I understand you."

"Then you may have a concussion," Kelly deadpanned.

"Still and all," Seelzar responded, "I should probably call my sister and let her know we're all right."

[Defenestration]

Defenestration sat in his office, with the two exposed but previously hidden displays showing the mildly annoyed faces of Guildenstern and Ryagaron as he flipped through the last few hundred pages of script.

"So... who the hell is Kate? You know, in the title?" Rygaron shook his head. Guild stated "Beats me, dude."

Defenestration threw up his hands and the script with them as he left. The pages scattered across the room like frightened butterflies. Guild and Rygaron shrugged to each other as the displays rolled back into the wall, a bookcase sliding over each.

[Thad]

"You...you SAVED me," coughed his death as he brushed dust and loose drywall from his black suit.

"It was an accident," Janey deadpanned.

"You SAVED me!" exulted his death.  "Janey Blackburn, at last you have learned...at last you are embracing your destiny!"

Jones clocked him in the jaw.

His death gasped, and eventually let out an "OW."

"Good work, Jones," commended Lord Minton.

Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of a fighter jet overhead.  And cackling.

"Uwee hee hee!" laughed the jet.  It dropped missiles on the rubble of the karaoke bar.  "Now it will never be rebuilt in time for the big finale where everybody sings Journey!"

Brent gave Thad a "You have got to be goddamn kidding me" look.  The two of them were sitting on the ruins of their barstools, at the bar, which was cracked in half like the Stone Table.  Impossibly, all the alcohol bottles were intact.

"Thad?" said Brent.  "THAD."

Thad looked around.

"I just wanted to say that you have got to be goddamn kidding me," Brent informed him.

"Oh," said Thad.  And turned back to what he was doing.

"Thad?" said Brent.

"What?" said Thad.

"What the hell are you doing, anyway?"

Thad was hunched over a strange keyboard-like device in his lap.  "I'm updating the characters page," he responded, his spoken dialogue somehow appearing as a link.  "I go to all this trouble to make the goddamn thing accessible and throw out all the 15-year-old baggage, and then they're all like WELL WHO THE FUCK IS KATE ANYWAY."  He threw up his hands theatrically.  He paused for a minute, and then said, "Hey Brent, did I ever tell you about the time --"

"Yes."

"-- I was at Thespian camp -- "

"Yes."

"-- and my classmate's mom told me...with a straight face and no hint of irony...not to be so THEATRICAL?"

"Yes."

"Good times."

"Thad?" said Brent.

"Yes?"

"I am fairly confident that there is a giant fighter jet that just bombed the rubble we are sitting in before it made a comment about a very bad ending chapter you apparently have in mind for whenever you finally decide to let this thing peter out."

"Hmmm."

"He laughed like Kefka."

To reinforce Brent's words, the jet laughed like Kefka again, then flew down and transformed into a giant robot and began menacing Janey, Fig, Jones, and his death.

"Crap," said Janey.  "Could have SWORN I saw Kelly pull up in a little mini-warmech on the other side of the rubble..."  She called out, "Kel, if that's you, could really use your help over here!"

"I be no Kel," boomed a voice from behind them, "but sirs and madam, stand back and allow me the honor..."

They stood back and allowed him the honor.

The speaker was a giant robot tractor trailer with a giant katana.  It seemed unsure on its footing, like it didn't quite know how it was supposed to operate.  "How might these abominations be manipulated?" it muttered, still in a very loud voice, because it was a giant robot.

Brentai facepalmed.  "Cyan Prime," he groaned.

Thad simpered with self-satisfaction.

"Long walk for that joke, Boyd."

"Heh heh...yeah."

"You've been wanting to do that for awhile now, haven't you."

"Yep," Thad said.  He then checked off a little box on a sheet of paper that mysteriously appeared in his hand, where it said "Cyan Prime".  It was above an item that said "BIG KARAOKE BAR FINALE" and below one that said "McDohl's Bit with the Trinity-Mobile", which had a large question mark written above it.

"Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison," said the Starscream/Kefka guy.  Starscrefka?  No, that sounds fucking awful.  We can name him later.

"I am your worst nightmare," said Cyan Prime, and lurched forward unsteadily.

And so the battle began.

[McDohl]

Suddenly, Adam crashed through the wall in a large, junked out van with a sword crudely lashed to the front of it with duct tape and rope.  Anticlimax was pierced on the front of it, and immediately barreled in to the Trinity-Mobile, spraying oil and Anticlimax's blood everywhere while Adam roared gleefully.

"SWORDVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN![/b]

[Guild]

Guild sat at his desk smashing his hand with a hammer. He made sure to crush up all the tiny bones, grimacing as he took a drag on a cigarette. Finally tossing the hammer aside, he smiled and flopped his now-useless appendage about, flinging blood all over his nice expensive Mac.

"Why the hell are you doing that?" Rygaron blinnked at him from the tiny box on Guild's desk below the camera Defenestration had installed in his air vent.

"I could tell you why, but I think I'll show you instead." He picked up a pair of scissors and began cutting words out of the entirety of Katestory and rearranging them in a kind of mad fit. "There." he finally said.

"What is it?" Defenestration's voice boomed over the speaker in the wall.

"I call it Etak. It's a paper golem, programmed to write plot for Katestory. In fact, its primary power is creating conflict. But it can really do anything. Here, I'll demonstrate."

"Golem," he said. The thing on the desk sat up and looked at him. "Fix my hand."

Guild's hand immediately regrew, becoming whole as if by magic as the words, "Guild's hand immediately regrew, becoming whole as if by magic." appeard on the Golem's face. They slid around and then disappeared from view into the folds of its body. Other words seemed to be constantly sliding across it, as if it had already begun changing the story.

"Go find Thad's repository of character information and get to work." Guild pointed at his computer screen.

The creature turned to the screen and seemed to grow a bit as it read the open browser. In the center of the page lay a hyperlink with the words 'characters page' highlighted. It put a hand on the link and its legs shriveled and sucked up into its body. They watched it pump itself into the hyperlink through its arm and disappear from sight.

"What's that going to do?"

Guild turned to the camera. "Yes, that is the question, isn't it?" And he began to laugh and laugh, then stop and cough, then laugh and then finally fall asleep.

[Thad]

The doors to Gok Tinnik's office swung open.

"How the hell did you get past my recep oh I see you have two velociraptors with you."

He peered at his visitor.  She peered back.  He recognized her and relaxed.

"What can I do for you, Ms. London?"

"I'm afraid this isn't a social call," she responded.

"Right," he responded.  "I figured.  Because of the raptors."

"Oh, right," she said.  "Actually, they're just kinda along for the ride.  Gok, this is Seelzar, and this is Elayne.  Seelzar, Elayne, Gok."

"Charmed," said Gok.  He strode across the room and kissed Elayne's claw.  She giggled and Seelzar scowled.  "So I imagine you're here on behalf of Hormel."

Kelly smiled.  "Mr. Tinnik, as you well know, this economy has been kind to producers of budget meat products..."

"I DO hope you're not comparing my fine, fresh foods to canned pork shoulder," Gok responded.

Seelzar licked his chops.  "They're both good choices."

"Mr. Tinnik," Kelly reproached, "Hormel produces MANY fine foods, and is always looking to expand."

Gok tut-tutted.  "Everybody wants a piece of Demonwang.  Sorry, sugar, but no dice.  You got nothing I want."

Kelly nodded, slowly.  "I'll relay your message, but I must tell you that my superiors are very persistent and you have not likely heard the last of them."

Gok chuckled.  "Demonwang is not a publicly traded company, so it's not like they can finagle a hostile takeover.  As for anything less above-the-board than that?  Well, you know me."  He held up one hand, which slowly grew fur and fangs, and then reverted to human form.  "I don't scare so easily.

"But hell's bells, Kels," he said, relaxing, "enough shop talk.  How the hell are you?  Ever see Janey?"

"Yeah."  Kelly relaxed too.  "I ran into her the other day, at a thing."

"Good, good.  Hear she's doing the grad school thing.  Good for her.  I see this one numbnuts on the TV sometimes who I think is after her, but she can take care of herself and he's borderline retarded.  Anyway, when's the wedding?"

"Wedding?"

"You know, when von Garda started working here he said something about..."  Gok trailed off as he realized his mistake.

"Billy works HERE?" Kelly asked.

"Er, yeah.  He came by, you know, said times were tough and uh...anyway.  I gave him a job.  For old times' sake.  Frankly I figured you'd probably pumped him for information before you came, but...wow, okay.  Boy can keep a secret.  I should give him a promotion."

Kelly smiled.  "He can keep a secret a lot better than some other people."

Billy von Garda stumbled through the door.  "Kelly!  I heard you were -- oh Gok, you didn't --"

"Hey Billy," Kelly said with a smirk, "will you marry me?"

[Defenestration]

Defenestration's monitor slowly rolls out of the wall as he clears his throat. "AHEHEHEHEM." Guildenstern awakens with a start and turns to regard the face staring at him with disdain. "This is a reckless idea. Such a thing could be subverted against us, and all of this reality in the process."

Guildenstern scoffed. "You simply are jealous of my foresight and work ethic. Or simply bored?" Defenestration sighed. "Fine. I shall demonstrate. Etak, manifest." On command, pages of paper swirled out of Guildenstern's monitor and slowly coagulated into its previous form. The strange paper made monitor faced towards Defenestration's monitor, which now seemed to be  slightly magnified upon his devious grin.

"Golem, display 'The golem displays the desired statement on his monitor, which read', and then loop."

Rygaron chokes on his drink. Guildenstern jumps from his chair, words in his throat that never reached open air.

The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:
The golem displays the statement on his monitor, which read:

[Thad]

After completing its infinite loop, Etak took another crack at the Characters Page.  It noticed two characters we hadn't seen in awhile.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey Billy," Kelly said with a smirk, "will you marry me?"

"But but...jeez, I haven't even gotten you a ring yet..."

"You rang?" came a female voice.  A giant ring appeared, and a teenage-ish girl in green stepped out, holding a smaller ring.  She flipped it to Billy, who clumsily got down on one knee and offered it up.

"Kelly...?"

"I asked you first."

"Oh!  Well uh...yeah!  Yes.  Yes I will."

Kate, Gok, Seelzar, and Elayne golf clapped.  "Congratulations," said Kate.

Then she glared at the giant ring she'd stepped out of.  A grunt seemed to come from somewhere on the other side.

"Hedgie..."

"No," responded the voice.  "I'm supposed to be Simo Belmo now.  I keep trying to quit these fucking things."

Kate glowered.

"Uh, grats," came Hedgehog X's voice.  The ring started to shimmer and fade.  Kate looked at the happy couple apologetically and said, "He'll see you at the wedding," before stepping through.

"Who says you're invite -- " Kelly began in perturbation.  But the ring had already disappeared.  "...ed."

The doors to Gok Tinnik's office swung open.  "Yeah yeah, congrats kids, may you have a long, happy, and not-too-heavily-retconned marriage.  Gok, m'boy, we gotta talk.  Haha, that rhymes."

Gok's eyes narrowed.  "How the hell am I supposed to miss you when you never stay dead, old man?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a candlelit room on the fifth floor of the Dyer Building, a council of hooded and cloaked figures sat around a round table.

Their last visitor strode in the double doors.  He wore a bathrobe over a hooded sweatshirt.

The faintest of smiles curled the corners of the mouth of the man seated at the head of the table.  A look of horror parted those of the middle-aged (thirtysomething? it was hard to tell) woman nearby.

"Now that our final guest has arrived," intoned the man at the head of the table, "I would like to call this meeting of the Bulwark to order."  He banged the table with a gavel; it gave a hollow thud.

"Why is HE here?" hissed Miss Salazar, as Lord Minton casually sat down next to her and put his feet up on the table.

"He is here," said a robotic voice, "because he saved the entire City of Boston during the--last--Blight."  All eyes turned to a wizened man in a wheelchair.  He took a drag from a cigarette through the hole in his throat and continued.  "I understand that--you--are here...because you are a particularly.  Good.  Librarian."

Vera's mouth opened in anger, but she bit back whatever it was she was going to say.  The man at the head of the table shook his head slightly, but he would not contradict the speaker either.  This was, as the saying goes, not a man to be trifled with.

"Come now, Old Man Rivers," Fig responded, "she's here because she's only managed to read the goddamned Kulten cover-to-cover, that's all.  Which is about a hundred and eighty pages farther than I got before it sent me into a decade's worth of doddering convalescence."

Far from being flattered, Vera looked even more upset that Lord Minton had come to her defense.  "Yes, well...the O'Donnel translation's not for everybody," was all she said, and then she pursed her lips.

The man at the head of the table cleared his throat.  "Getting back to the task at hand," he said.

A younger man looked up.  "Are we sure it's a Blight?"

"Of course it's a goddamned Blight," Old Man River responded -- snapped seemed like the appropriate description despite his monotone.

"I'm afraid so," Fig affirmed.  "The walls between the worlds are the thinnest I've seen since...well, since then.  We've got so much interdimensional commerce that it's become a multibillion-dollar industry."

"You're referring to Demonwang Foods," the young man said.  "Do you think they're the ones causing it?"

"They're not helping," Fig responded, "but the cracks must have already been there.  I assure you, if we don't do something soon, we will be dealing with some serious dragonage."

"We need help," said the man at the head of the table.  "We've called the BPRD but all they can offer us is Redshirts.  It seems their highest-ranking members are all in Wales -- apparently demons are POURING through the Cardiff Rift and our friends there are a little understaffed.  There's been some, ah, serious turnover."

Fig nodded.  "I know someone who can help us, if she's willing."

Vera's face turned into something of a snarl.  "NO."

Fig ignored her.  "She's a doctoral student here, a Miss Janey Blackburn."

"She's a terrible choice," Vera burst out.  "She's--she'll--"  She seemed momentarily tongue-tied, and then blurted out, "You're sleeping with her, aren't you?!"

Fig began to laugh, much to the annoyance of the man at the head of the table.  Old Man Rivers shook slightly, his own laughter silent.

"My dear," said Fig, "I believe everyone at this table can tell you that Janey Blackburn is very much not my type.  She seems a little more like yours, to be honest."  His smile faded as what he'd just said dawned on him.  "OH.  ...OHHHH.  Yes, that's exactly it, isn't it?"

Before Vera could respond, the man at the head of the table banged his gavel.  "ENOUGH.  Ms. Salazar, while I would not seek Lord Minton's advice on decorum, I AM seeking his advice on how to deal with a goddamned Blight.  Can you give me a reason not to follow it other than innuendo?"

Vera seemed to regain some composure.  "I have an alternate suggestion," she said, still slightly flushed but mostly in control of her breathing.  "My brother, Seelzar, is an active member of the velociraptor community.  He will enlist their aid, and I assure you they will be a greater asset than any wet-behind-the-ears doctoral student."

"A sound suggestion," said the man, "but it doesn't answer my question.  Why shouldn't we trust this Ms. Blackburn?"

Vera seemed at a loss.

The younger man cleared his throat.  "If Ms. Salazar has misgivings," he said, "perhaps we can enlist Ms. Blackburn's aid and I can simply keep an eye on her."

"A perfectly reasonable compromise," Fig responded.  "Thank you, young man -- Carter, was it?"

"Yes, sir."

"Very well," said the man at the head of the table.  "May you each pursue your own lead.  I will try to meet with Gok Tinnik, the CEO of Demonwang Foods.  Professor Rivers --"

"I know what the hell I'm doing," Rivers snapped -- yes, definitely snapped.

The man at the head of the table managed a thin smile.  "Meeting adjourned."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Etak stumbled across another name.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No sooner had Fig stepped out the door than a man in a black fedora began pestering him.  "Lord Minton!  What was their decision?  Did they agree?  Do you believe Ms. Blackburn will at last --"

"Get the hell out of my way," snarled Fig, and shoved past him.  Under his breath, he said, "Man, FUCK that guy."  Then, louder: "Jones!  JONES!"

Jones stepped up and offered Fig his coat.

"Much obliged, my good man."  Lowering his voice: "Wait until you hear what the geas made her say; it was simply MARVELOUS."

[Guild]

"Wait, wait. Guild. Guild. GUILD. GUILD. GUILD GUILD GUILD."

Guild looked at Rygaron. "What?"

"What did you make that golem out of? HOW did you make it?" The camera in the vent zoomed in on Guild's face and he frowned.

"An excellent question, sir." he said as if rewarding a schoolboy for an insightful point instead of his immediate supervisor. "I didn't make it. Well, do you remember the librarian from the beginning of the story?"

Etak suddenly popped out of Guild's pencil sharpener trailing a tear in the multiverse behind it, pausing to hop over a pencil before leaping into the trash can at the end of the desk and tearing through the bottom and into the blackness of some other dimension. Guild merely talked on, but his eyes followed Etak, as did the eyes of Rygaron and Defenestration.

"Anyway, that librarian was guarding a very special book. You see, in the infinity of the multiverse, there exists at least one incarnation of every item that can be imagined. For example, there is a dimension where Carl Marx is president of upside-down Norway and tends a garden of plastic Sorry! playing piece trees. I assume."

Here he paused as Etak once again apparated, this time trailing a long cable and running out of the wall by the door. It reached Guild and tried to lasso him, so he bent over and picked the thing up and placed it on his desk instead. He opened a google browser and continued, placing the mouse carefully in front of Etak.

"So, in theory, I knew there had to be a book that could learn from what was written on it. I furthermore knew there had to be a universe where magical golems could be created. So, by half-assedly backfilling story I was too lazy to write at the time, I can narrate myself acquiring them in some distant, never-fully-described events in a past-tense manner, as I am about to do. You see, I went looking for these items."

Rygaron held up a hand. "Where am I?"

Defenestration's screen turned to face the tiny Rygaron screen on Guild's desk. "You are an employee of Demonwang Foods. Your job is to monitor the person shown on the screen on your desk. Now be quiet and pay attention to the story."

Guild nodded and continued. "Right. So I went looking for them, and I got them. It was kinda hard I guess."

"Why name it Etak?" asked Kazz from the screen on Rygaron's desk. He'd been listening in on his own giant wall monitor, which showed Rygaron talking to his giant wall monitor on which Guildenstern talked to Defenestration on his wall monitor. It was all very meta-whatever.

Guild tried to answer, but just then Etak had clicked the Wikipedia link and tunneled inside, only to start growing faster than it could push itself in, resulting in a backlog of data that swelled to fill Guild's office. He continued to speak as if nothing were out of the ordinary. "Furthermore, it will continue to grow until it has filled the entire multiverse. Omniverse. Whatever they call it nowadays. All the realities." Then he stopped talking because his body became toothpaste smeared on the wall by the evergrowing Etak's need to fill still more space.

Finally reality couldn't handle the stress and Etak began to ooze into the multiverse at-large, every part of it seeking more information to absorb.

[Ashura]

"Hi." said someone. 

Someone, someplace else. Not here, or there, but perhaps everywhere.

If someone is everywhere, one must assume that -- barring a multi-bodied entity from beyond the stars or that one really bad episode of Star Trek Voyager where Tom Paris breaks warp 9.9 and then goes off with Captain Janeway and they both evolve into lizards and have creepy flipper babies together -- they must be dead.

Probably exploded.

Thus the 'said,' because they obviously can't say anything anymore.

(Hi Thad and Brent.  Forever really is a long time.)

[Brentai]

Brent leapt into the closet and started bashing skeletons left and right.

(Hi!  I'm not sure I fully remember you.  Were you a girl or something?)

[Ashura]

The skeletons suffered self esteem issues... as well as face removing ones!

(Certainly not a girl!  Wait, let me check.. no, still not a girl.  I was around back on Prodigy, and I couldn't construct a sentence worth shit, let alone spell shit.)

[Brentai]

The skeletons suffered self esteem issues...

Wow, I slammed my face right into that one.

[Thad]

In the back of the classroom, Mark Grayson tapped his pencil nervously on his desk.  The enormity of the events he'd heard on the news, the events that Professor Isenberg was currently discussing, pounded in his skull.  The tap of the pencil seemed to reverberate: Blight, Blight, Blight, Blight...

"Minton and Rivers returned to academia," Professor Isenberg was saying.  "They wrote a book about their experience.  You will notice it is not on the list of texts for this course.  That is because the published version was redacted to the point of uselessness.  There are numerous versions available on the Internet claiming to be the complete text, but none of them are verifiable."

A hand went up.  "Yes?" said Isenberg.

"Why wouldn't Minton and Rivers produce a digitally-signed copy, with a verifiable public key?  To the best of my knowledge, even strong black magic can't reliably create a 128-bit collision."

"I...don't really know what any of that means," Isenberg responded, "but there are a variety of reasons why Minton and Rivers might not want to publish the version the US Government doesn't want you to see, starting with, well, the fact that the US Government doesn't want you to see it."

Mark's phone vibrated.  He pulled it out of his pocket and checked the caller ID...shit.  This was one call he definitely had to take.  He threw his books in his bag, slung it over his shoulder, and made his way out the back exit, trying to attract as little attention as possible -- but he still got a dirty look from Professor Isenberg.  He responded with a helpless shrug and mouthed "I have to."

In the hall, he took a quick look around and put the phone to his ear.  "Is there no help for the Widow's Son?"

"Tubal Cain," came the voice on the other end.  "Invincible, do you, ah, remember what we discussed?"

"How could I forget?" Mark responded wanly.  "So it's come to that?"

"I'm afraid so.  The, ah, Archfiend is on the move.  The Guardians of the Galaxy will meet him in battle.  Right here in our nation's capital."

"My objections haven't changed," Mark responded.  "I agree that the world needs the Guardians of the Globe...I just don't see where I fit in."

"But I do," said the voice.  "Son -- your country needs you."

Mark sighed, heavily.  "I'll be there."

He was out behind the history building now.  He ducked behind a particularly putrid Dumpster, and opened his backpack.  "Let me just get into my work clothes."



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hell itself was at war.

This was nothing new.  As long as he had been there, he had watched the maneuvering of demons -- had been a part of them himself.  All things considered, a dragon was a step up from a fat clown.

Darkspawn?  Hnnh.  Mindless monsters, undeserving of the name.

His arm flicked forward.  His chain wrapped around a Hurlock's neck.  Snap.

If these armies were going to overwhelm the surface world, they would have to get through him first.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick sunk his axe into a roamer's skull.  Damn.  He had gotten separated from the others.  Separated from his son.  Where the fuck had this herd come from?

He swung again.  A rotten head fell, and its body collapsed.

He heard thudding footsteps.  Not a roamer.  He whirled --

-- not a human, either.  He had never seen anything like it.  It was fast, coming right for him.

He leapt forward, buried his axe in its head.  Another was behind it.  With -- a bow?  It snarled as it aimed an arrow at him.

"What the fuck?!"  He fumbled for his gun.

There was a rumble.  A hand erupted from the ground and caught the monster by the ankle.  A crack appeared beneath it and it fell.  The rest of the herd fell with it.  A figure in a black costume and a high red collar clawed itself to the surface.

"Jesus Christ," Rick muttered, cocking his pistol.

"...Rick Grimes," said the figure in an unearthly voice.  It sounded faintly surprised.

"Okay," said Rick, without lowering his gun.  "So you can talk.  And you know my name.  Mind telling me just what the fuck is going on here?"

"We have met before," said the figure.  "You were a rookie cop...and I was with the CIA."

"Simmons?"  Rick threw his hands up, incredulously.  "Fine, whatever.  I just finished a lengthy phone coversation with my dead wife, so what the fuck.  How the hell have you been?  Interfered with any investigations lately, or too busy dressing up for fetish balls?"

"We must cast aside any petty rivalries we may have once had," intoned Simmons.  "We have been chosen."



"Chosen for what?" asked Rick.  "I'm just a guy trying to keep his friends, his son, alive in a world that's gone to hell."

"The world hasn't gone to hell," Simmons responded.  "Hell is coming to the world.  And only the Guardians of the Globe can stop it."

"Guardians --?"

Simmons pointed skyward.  Rick squinted, and saw a speck.  It grew larger, and with a growing whoosh, resolved itself into a young man in tights and goggles.  Rick facepalmed.

"Spawn," said the young man.  "Glad you're here.  Sort of.  And you must be Rick.  I'm Invincible."  He landed, extended his right hand, and then apologetically withdrew it and extended his left.  Rick shook it, in stunned silence.

"These are Darkspawn," Invincible continued, pulling Rick's axe out of the Hurlock's head and handing it back to him.  "As I'm sure you've noticed, they're smarter, faster, and stronger than the roamers you've been dealing with.  And there are thousands of them -- maybe tens of thousands -- about to converge on Washington, DC.  And, uh, there's a dragon with them."

Rick didn't know how to respond.  Finally, the question that made it to his lips was, "...why Washington, DC?"

"Because we, ah, decided to lure them here," said a confident voice.  Rick whirled to see two figures -- and gaped.

"President Barack Obama," said the main in the suit.  "And Eugene you know."



"M-Mr. President," Rick stammered.  "And Eugene -- you were telling the truth?"

Eugene nodded.  "The zombie virus was brewed in a government lab -- under the orders of the President himself.  Simmons -- our Hellspawn here -- was my contact at the CIA.  But the outbreak -- well, from what the President has been telling me, the outbreak has attracted the attention of the Hordes of Hell.  And they're about ready to crawl up and conquer the Earth."

"I'm not going to let that happen," the President said, adamantly.  "We are the new Guardians of the Globe.  And we will, ah, guard the globe."

Invincible looked at Eugene, then at the President.  "You told me that our fifth was going to be a wizard, not a government scientist."

"Oh, I'm just here to do the lab work," Eugene responded.  He glanced at his watch.  "The wizard should be here aaaaany..."

There was a pop, and a disheveled-looking figure in a cloak appeared out of thin air.  He dropped his glasses, scrambled to put them back on, and ran a hand nervously through his unruly black hair.

"Oh no," Invincible groaned.

"Invincible!" said the figure.  "What's it been, two, three years?  You played chaser pretty well -- for an American."

"You cheated," Invincible responded.

"Boys, please," said the President.  "Invincible, Mr. Potter here has become the Chief Auror in the United Kingdom's Ministry of Magic.  We were lucky they agreed to let him join us, what with that, ah, business in Cardiff.  So, as one Chosen One to another, Mr. Potter, I welcome you to the United States of America."



Harry smiled and straightened his glasses nervously.  "Let's...hunt some Orc?"

[McDohl]

Adam glared angrily at his monitor.

"Why the sweet fancy Jesus would Harry continue to wear his school uniform after...well, not graduating from Hogwarts, but was probably awarded an honorary diploma for practical demonstration of skills learned in his previous six years at said institution..." 

Then Adam realized that he was self-debating the logic of a fictional universe, and realized that Thad brought to his attention to a comic book about President Barack Obama teaming up with Spawn and Harry Potter to save the world, presumably from the title.

Adam bought Thad a beer.

[MilesEdgeworth]

Suddenly Frocto showed up with Thor and Odin to stop the menace known as the Commies. Frocto hurried over to the barrels on the left and shattered one into a katana where he quickly laid waste to 17 commies in one slash. Soon after Thad came in and started shooting the rest of the commies with a Gatling Gun made out of a pine tree before realizing that he was king of the commies, and turned his gun to Frocto. "You'd better run, my son." He said with his hand on the trigger.

[Thad]

Fuck it.  There were like three more chapters' worth of shit Thad wanted to happen before this one was sewn up -- maybe FOUR.  He had a checklist, God dammit.  A CHECKLIST.

"So," said Kelly, "this is my office.  Well, our office.  There have been some budget cuts and now I share it with Tim.  Hi Tim."

"Hi, Kelly," said Tim.  He looked nervously down at Elayne's claw for a moment and then timidly reached out and shook it.

"But you were telling Tinnik how much money Hormel has been raking in," Elayne said.

"Oh, the bosses are doing just fine," Tim said, "but any excuse to cut budgets.  And make us work Saturdays."

"This is actually extracurricular," Kelly said.  She gestured at her bulletin board, a spiderweb of photos, tacks and strings.

Elayne put on a pair of unusually-shaped reading glasses and peered closely at the board, first with one eye and then the other.  "Mmm.  I see what you mean.  Seelzar and Vera will want to see this."  She pulled out a phone and pointed the camera at Kelly's board.  "May I?"

"Just the DC part of the picture," Kelly cautioned.  "The rest is still classified."

"But...you showed it to me."

"And me," Tim piped up.

"You..." Elayne started, tentatively.  In a whisper: "You don't trust Vera, do you."

Kelly shook her head.

Elayne's voice was even softer now: "Sometimes I don't trust her either."

She snapped a photo.