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Author Topic: CANDY  (Read 10403 times)

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jsnlxndrlv

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #40 on: December 19, 2009, 12:40:06 PM »

In a 2006 United States Food & Drug Administration study, strawberry-flavored Mentos were empirically proven to be the best candy. My condolences to the rest of you who are chewing under a misconception.
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BŁge

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #41 on: December 19, 2009, 12:42:15 PM »

You were obviously never introduced to Roy G. Bivolo.

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Catloaf

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #42 on: December 19, 2009, 02:40:41 PM »

I'm rather partial to Hot Tamales and cinnamon candies in general.  Also good are virtually all fruit flavored candies that feature strawberry.  And chocolate is wonderful as long as it's the right percentage cocoa, not to bitter, not to sweet.

Mixing the three, however results in disaster.
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Guild

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #43 on: December 19, 2009, 03:02:17 PM »

Rocky Road candy bars, before they took the chocolate wafer out of the middle about ten years ago.

Thin mint chocolates by Andy's.

Very expensive, imported, Sweedish chocolate.

Fun Dip.
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sei

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #44 on: December 19, 2009, 05:33:26 PM »

snickers says what's up
>That's what an Aura is.. it's the light that sorounds a person that in new age religon is suposed to represent the contents of ones soul or their mental state. Red is anger or malice, blue tranquility and clearheadedness... So Aura is a pretty damn good synonym for what you're looking for and would fit. ;)

and also it's the light that goku gives off in dragon ball z when he's about to fight and he turns all yellow and rocks float around him and he says uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa for five minutes and then that's when I say YEAH THAT'S GOKU NOW HE'S GONNA KICK SOME ASS NOW CAUSE OF HIS AURA and then I start jumping on my bed and throwing raisinets everywhere cause I love goku cause he can kick ass like that one time where that one alien guy almost killed him but then he said uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa no wait that was when he was almost killed what he really said was uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then he made an AURA and then the episode ended

:(

but on the next episode he still had an AURA and rocks were floating and I was like YEAH YEAH and then he shot a beam at the alien guy and he said uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then the alien guy was all like OH SHIT and then the episode ended

:(

but on the next episode goku was all like uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa cause of his AURA and then his beam hit the alien guy and he said uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa cause he got hit cause goku's beam was stronger cause of his AURA and then he died and I was all like YEAH YEAH TAKE THAT YOU ALIEN CAUSE GOKU'S THE MAN CAUSE HE KICKED YOUR ASS AND YOU'RE DEAD YOU SON OF A BITCH and then my mommy came in and spanked me so then I threw my raisinets at her and she spanked me again and took away my pokemon cards and it really SUCKS cause I beat up a lot of kids to get that deck and I could kick your ass at pokemon yeah YEAH cause pokemon rules I love koffing the best cause he's got a neat voice cause in the cartoon he says KOFFING and I laugh a lot and fall off my bed and kick and scream and break all my toys until my mommy spanks me cause koffing is so FUCKING funny when he says things and I have all the pokemon games even the stupid picture game but it got broke once when I didn't get my dragon ball z game cause I was at walmart and I said I WANT A DRAGON BALL Z GAME and my mommy said NO MAYBE NEXT TIME and then I stepped on her foot and said NOW BITCH and then she took me outside and spanked me and I was pissed off and I would have kicked her ass but I don't have an AURA so I told her I wished I was goku cause then she would buy me stuff cause I would make rocks float and I would fuck up her car like that and then my mommy's face turned red and she looked so dumb HA HA HA and she drove home and broke my pokemon game but I don't care cause it was the picture game the stupid bitch and then she came back to walmart cause she forgot to pick me up but it's okay since I bought a snickers with the change I found in the parking lot and I was like YEAH I LOVE SNICKERS YEAH YEAH and I tore it into pieces and threw it up in the air and said YEAH I'VE GOT A SNICKERS AURA but there weren't any rocks floating like what goku does so I took another snickers when no one was looking and was gonna use that too but then the first one was gone so I was like FUCK and then my mommy came and she had a goku action figure and said I'M SORRY I GOT UPSET and then I threw my snickers at her FACE.
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Ted Belmont

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #45 on: December 19, 2009, 06:03:40 PM »

The line must be drawn in the Chocolate vs Candy War.

Here, and NO FURTHER.

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Miss Cat Ears

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #46 on: December 19, 2009, 07:01:27 PM »

 :barf:
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Niku

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #47 on: December 19, 2009, 07:43:49 PM »

 
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Lady Duke

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #48 on: December 19, 2009, 08:28:49 PM »

That looks terrible. 

Also, you know what's yummy?  Those little chocolate covered cherries that they sell individually.  I used to eat those when I was little, but I'm pretty sure if I did now, my teeth would scream.

Also delicious: those pink canadian mints.  They're so good.

Also also: vanilla creme caramels or whatever the fuck they are.
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King Klown

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #49 on: December 19, 2009, 08:36:31 PM »

A New Zealand friend calls me trash for not knowing what Pinky Bars are. I've looked them up, but has anyone else ever HAD one?
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yyler

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #50 on: December 19, 2009, 09:03:04 PM »

oh my god i just spent an hour writing a manifesto on candy and fucking chrome crashed for some reason brb killing myself
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King Klown

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #51 on: December 19, 2009, 09:03:44 PM »

Nooo, eat chocolate instead, it'll make you happy.  :tldr:
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Brentai

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #52 on: December 19, 2009, 09:05:25 PM »

If you really must, nobody will fault you for eating so much chocolate you die of insulin shock.
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yyler

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #53 on: December 19, 2009, 09:05:38 PM »

SO HELP ME GOD I AM GOING TO TYPE IT AGAIN EVERYONE PLEASE STAND BY
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sei

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #54 on: December 19, 2009, 09:10:27 PM »

you should really type your long posts in a text file, saving it as you go, and paste it into a browser when done.

and if you're a twat like me, edit it 50 times after it's been posted.
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Mongrel

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #55 on: December 19, 2009, 09:18:43 PM »

Quote
and if you're a twat like me, edit it 50 times after it's been posted.

:hi5:

HOW DID I MISS THAT SPELLING MISTAKE I RED THE DAM THING TWICE BEFORE I POSTED
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sei

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #56 on: December 19, 2009, 09:52:09 PM »

Not that.  "Oh, I could have worded that better," "Oh, I forgot to add this," "Oh, that looks kind of unnecessary..."

Right.  Candy.  I don't really eat candy.  Trader Joe's has some seasonal peppermint, Oreo-clone cookies right now that are pretty good.
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Shinra

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #57 on: December 19, 2009, 09:55:14 PM »

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yyler

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #58 on: December 19, 2009, 10:10:00 PM »

I am going to hand down the gospel here since I can tell many of you are confused about what candies are good or bad or should be eaten.

This post seeks to enumerate on what are objectively the three best candies currently in production today. To understand why these are the three best candies, you must understand the concept of Fun To Eat, or FTE for short. FTE can be applied to anything, and not just candy. Although the criteria for what makes something FTE is an exhaustive list, I will supply a few of them here:
  • Shape
  • Texture
  • Size
  • Layering
  • Flavor
  • Aroma
  • Behavior under various conditions
  • Applications and uses
  • Consistency
  • Difficulty to bite through or eat
  • The feeling it inspires/face it makes you make
  • et al.
Generally speaking, shape, texture, flavor, and difficulty to bite through or eat are the most important here. The rest are largely secondary or tertiary; even more criteria are available for the purpose of excepting certain candies from rules they'd otherwise be governed by. In some cases, difficulty to bite through or eat is negligible, such as in hard candy, where that is desired--however, the argument can be made that this is a niche market anyway so who fucking cares.

Now:

The third best candy is the Milky Way bar. The Milky Way, for those of you who do not know, is a chocolate bar filled with caramel and nougat. It goes by the name Mars Bar in other countries than America, but why this is the case, I don't know. The Mars Bar has a different layering scheme and no caramel, so why they are considered the same by Mars is beyond me. The Milky Way places third because of how FTE it is.

We'll start with shape--it is a rectangle. Eating this gives you a clear goal. You know that you start at one end and finish at the other, which gives you a sense of completion. This is a candy that gives you a psychological boost, however minor. In addition, it is properly layered. The caramel does not overpower the nougat; the nougat does not overpower the chocolate bar. This is a chocolate bar first and foremost and it does not forget that fact. (In truth, this is the first "filled" chocolate bar to ever be made; it's longevity alone should be proof that it should be top three.) Next, consistency/difficulty to bite through or eat: the candy bar is devoid of anything hard, like nuts, and mushes together lightly in your mouth. Because of this, it can be enjoyed by people of varying age. And, because the Milky Way can effectively be mashed apart with the tongue, you can eat it without ever using your teeth! What is more fun than that?

Finally (although there is much more I could address here) I'll mention what happens when you break it apart. It doesn't sever perfectly--a trail of caramel and sometimes nougat stretches out. This is intensely appealing to everyone, and Mars knows it. Most of their advertisements focus on the fact that the candy bar being broken open is almost more exciting than the candy bar being eaten and enjoyed. It's almost a sexual tension. "Look at the inside of this. We won't show you anyone eating this. Just look at what you could eat." It's like walking by Victoria's Secret (or in my case, A&F).

The second best candy is fresh red licorice, arguably the most FTE candy in the world. There are many kinds, but the best kind of licorice, the kind that earns it the number two spot, is basically Red Vines, although what you often find in stores is stale because people these days don't fucking understand quality control. The licorice I speak of is not the solid rope kind, but rather the short, ten inch hollow strips with curved ridges spiraling down the outside. Many years ago, in the folly of my youth, I thought Twizzlers were better--regular, boring Twizzlers. I thought this because you could pull them apart, like string cheese (the most FTE dairy product--you can see how I'd be quick to rank Twizzlers highly). Twizzlers, however, suffer in every other area, and in all of those areas regular red licorice excels.

First, flavor and aroma. Red licorice, when fresh, falls apart in your mouth like wet paper. It smells fruity and sweet, and taste the same. The initial flavor is understated, but it quickly suffocates the tongue before almost immediately vanishing. It's a classic hint of what's to come followed by the shock of flavor and then nothing. Now you want more. Besides this, the licorice stick provides a near endless amount of fun; the outside has a delightful spiraling ridge, which is nice to hold or eat along. You can bite the ends off and use it as a straw for soda that also tastes great, unlike the vast majority of other drinking straws. It can cut into a long rectangular sheet and eaten similar to a Fruit Roll-Up, and the two sides--ridged or smooth--give the consumer the option of what he feels on his tongue.

I submit that fresh red licorice is the perfect understated candy, and were it not for a few minor flaws--such as availability of fresh stock and the fact that if I eat too many I might throw up--it would easily be number one.

The best candy, both in my opinion and de facto, is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. It has a recipe which has not changed dramatically in over 80 years. It steadily rose to the role of most popular candy in the town it was made, then the state it was sold, then the side of America that could get it, and now the world. RPBC benefits from being the candy that is most FTE in theory and often in practice.

RPBC are two things. Those things are peanut butter and chocolate. The peanut butter is in a flat disk shape inside the chocolate. They make RPBC by placing a small amount of chocolate in a mold, then some peanut butter, and then more chocolate. The simplicity of this candy amazes me, and yet countless imitators manage to fuck it up. WAIT, HOLD ON, BACK UP. Do you see that word there, that starts with the letter I? Imitators. Can you think of a candy with more imitators (or any at all, really) than RPBC? I can think of off brand licorice; I can think of things similar to a Milky Way but not the same. There are a plethora of disgusting candy bars filled with so much shit you can't even taste what you're eating; the fuckers are dime a dozen. RPBC alone have the most imitators, and yet, no one does what they do the same or better. Every single imitator fucks up the tried and true recipe of chocolate-peanut butter-chocolate. I don't fucking know how. No one can layer it right, or texture it right, or smooth the bottom and tops right. RPBC got all these right immediately, and yet, after years and years of watching them succeed, no one else can do it. I am simply amazed; this is truly testament to their otherworldly greatness.

The trick to RPBC is trifold.

Primarily it's the layering and consistency. There is a perfect ratio of chocolate to peanut butter, and it's in the right places. No other candy in the world is as perfectly layered. The chocolate is smooth, wet; the peanut butter is rougher, slightly dry. There is a tinge of saltiness in the peanut butter that clashes with the sweetness of the chocolate. The entire idea of the RPBC is an exercise and implementation of opposites attracting. Imitators often make the chocolate too hard, or the peanut butter too soft or mushy or grainy.

Second is the look and feel. Earlier I expounded upon the sense of completion that eating something rectangular gives you, and I wasn't lying. But there is a better feeling--eating something circular. When you eat a cookie, a cheeseburger, when you bake a pie or a cake, you are making circular  food. Circular food by definition has no start or end point; you get no sense of completion because you cannot complete what you didn't start. You end up wanting more. It's the same trick record producers use--fade out at the end of a song and people want to keep listening to it, as though it isn't done playing. Now think of hot dogs, french fries, pies and cakes cut into slices: these things almost everyone loves. They give you an easily defined start and end point that you can be satisfied with. Slicing a cake or pie makes it manageable. It makes you limit yourself.

The circular nature of a RPBC means that you can never be done eating them and will always need another. You can only put them in your mouth and hope that after you swallow you can forget they exist for a time. Even though the ridges--perfect depth, perfectly spaced--give you a feeling of control, you have none. None at all. And though the ridges and circle mean it is FTE on a basic level, what really puts it here is the feeling it inspires in you--that for a moment, things are nice, and the world is good, and you'll live on in a happy universe forever. RPBC are tiny bites of Heaven. This is undebatable.

Finally, perhaps most importantly: there is no wrong way to eat a Reese's, and I mean that literally. For two years (00-02) I would eat four of these a day, each one in a new way. Bottom up, top down, spiraling in, side to side, pry it apart, melt it, freeze it, blend chop break mush chocolate first peanut butter first sideways etc etc etc. Eventually I realized my quest was futile. The ad campaign during the 90s said there was no wrong way to eat a Reese's, and it was right (though it often showcased silly or impractical ways to eat them, such as drilling out the peanut butter [which I did with a knife at one point]). And although the new, just as modest slogan is "Perfect.", the old one remains true. Hershey's challenged the world to think of a wrong way to eat RPBC, and the world cried out with one voice, "There isn't one." (If you are wondering, I eat all of my RPBC the same way: one bite makes a crescent, then another bites across the line of symmetry, then I eat the rest.)

RPBC is the most FTE candy in the world. It is the best selling. It cannot be imitated, though countless greedy fools attempt to do so. It cannot be eaten incorrectly, and it always leaves you wanting more. It is the most delicious, best layered candy ever. Willy Wonka himself has nothing on this. Not only is it the best, but it's spin-off candies are some of the most popular in the world as well. Spin-off candies are not common. They are exceedingly rare.

OK in conclusion thanks for reading.
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yyler

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Re: CANDY
« Reply #59 on: December 19, 2009, 10:10:58 PM »

I think that's the gist of what I had before
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