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Author Topic: Blatant Lies  (Read 3693 times)

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teg

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Blatant Lies
« on: May 18, 2010, 02:05:24 PM »

Video games were invented in 1945 by Professor Jonathan Videogames. After watching colleague and close friend Dr. Mario Pacman complete an obstacle course, he was immediately struck with the idea of a similar electronic toy in which a character controlled by the player named after Pacman would run through a maze.

The giraffe developed a long neck due to a constant diet of snakes. The giraffe's teeth are unsuitable for chewing the tough snakemeats, so it swallows them whole. The snakes are held in the creature's throat until properly suffocated, and then continue down the gullet into the stomach for digestion. Glands in the throat secrete a special mucus that protects the giraffe from any threat the snakes' powerful venom might pose.

At age ten, actor Christian Bale was diagnosed with a speaking disorder that eventually forced him to communicate entirely through aggressive whispering under his breath. When Bale needs to raise his voice or change tone in a scene, his lines are recorded and then digitally manipulated to adjust volume and pitch. Earlier in his career, Bale was simply dubbed over by an understudy.
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Shinra

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2010, 02:21:06 PM »

At age ten, actor Christian Bale was diagnosed with a speaking disorder that eventually forced him to communicate entirely through aggressive whispering under his breath. When Bale needs to raise his voice or change tone in a scene, his lines are recorded and then digitally manipulated to adjust volume and pitch. Earlier in his career, Bale was simply dubbed over by an understudy.

This makes so much sense.

Heinrich Himmler is well known for being the crazy german officer in charge of concentration camps and occult research. What people don't know, is that he actually learned most of his techniques from a relative who had served under Robert E Lee during the American Civil War. Part of a provisional plan to deal with the north recruiting the large amount of newly freed slaves into the military, the South were employing voodoo and european black magic to animate the dead. Southern zombie divisions saw combat in a few engagements near the end of the war, but by the time the project was in full swing, the war was more or less already over.
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Zaratustra

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2010, 02:44:32 PM »

Koala bears are not bears, but actually a tree-dwelling relative of the capybara.

The gold monetary standard is based on the fact babies already understand gold as a form of currency at four weeks old.

The brain was originally a large mollusk, which evolved to form a symbiotic connection with the first proto-amphibians to leave the ocean. Brain tumors are actually related to pearls.

Hamlet was not written by Shakespeare, but by another guy with the same name.

What we know as "yellow" is actually four different colors sharing the same frequency. Cats are the only animals that can differentiate all four.

A duck's quack will not echo. A goose's honk will always echo, even in open spaces.

1 is different from 0.9~. In fact, the result of (1 - 0.9~) is the first of a new infinite sequence of numbers, called "Supaplex Infinabulous Digiprimes". These numbers can be demonstrated to account for most discrepancies between the results you got for equations in high school's math tests and the actual answers.

Ziiro

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2010, 03:00:40 PM »

The spider is, in fact, an 'alien' organism to this planet. It arrived on the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs. This has recently been proven by the fact of fossilized remains of large, vacuum survivable spiders were found at the impact point of a large meteor. Only the smaller species of spider inside the asteroid survived the impact and persist to this day.
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Miss Cat Ears

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2010, 03:04:31 PM »

I'm giving a karma to everyone who posts in this thread.
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teg

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2010, 03:26:32 PM »

A chaplin is the basic metric unit of measurement for acting talent. Any actor to exert more than ten kilochaplins in a year is awarded an Academy Award at the annual ceremony of the same name, which acts as a superconductor for chaplins. It is estimated that seven of these awards arranged in sequence could allow any sufficiently skilled actor to conjure the entire collective works of Shakespeare out of nothing. Arranged in reverse, they would instead produce Pauly Shore movies.

Ronald Reagan holds the position of being the only president to continue to serve his term posthumously. After a botched assassination attempt in his first year, he confronted his own mortality by traveling to Tibet and training in the art of Astral Projection. He served his entire term despite losing his corporeal form by choking to death on a cheese doodle only four months after completing his training.

The North American Gummi Bear actually has no relation to bears at all. Its closest living relative, besides its "cousin" the Sour Gummi Bear, is the Swedish Fish, with further ties to the eastern Gummi Worm. Unfortunately, due to over-hunting by candy poachers, all animals in the gummi genus are currently endangered. We know little about their natural habitat or lifestyle.
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Disposable Ninja

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2010, 03:52:24 PM »

Pokemon: The First Movie was directly inspired by the seminal, pre-civil war abolitionist novel, Uncle Tom's Cabin. In fact, one could so far as to argue that Pokemon: The First Movie actually plagiarized, right down to the scene in which George Harris and Loker the Slave Owner accidentally murder Eliza after she ran between their powerful Psionic Blasts. The film and the novel diverge at that point; whereas Ash was brought back to life by the tears of the pokemon, white children are incapable of bringing black people back to life no matter how much they cry.

The featurette, Pikachu's vacation, was of course based on Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain.
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Catloaf

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2010, 04:13:00 PM »

During the time of the prehumans, the large cats that hunted them would often send out their kittens to play outside of the prehuman dwellings.  Upon coming out into the open to look at the death-kittens, (the concept of 'cute' by this point was well-established and they could not bring themselves to ever harm the kitten traps) the prehumans would be mauled and carried away by the mother cat to be eaten in safety elsewhere.
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teg

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2010, 04:38:25 PM »

In the early nineteenth century, it was customary for the winner of a gentlemens' duel to perform one kindness for the loser. As pocketwatches of the time were fragile and prone to being damaged by the blows exchanged in a duel, the winner would traditionally have the loser's pocketwatch repaired and cleaned afterwards; hence the term "to clean one's clock."

In March of 1978, 25-year-old Michael Harrison of Northumberland, England was diagnosed as having an inoperable tumour in the speech center of his brain. Although it caused him no physical or mental impairment, it eventually permanently altered his speaking pattern to the point that his only means of verbal communication was dropping devastating flows on the mic. He maintained a successful career in economics, expressing his ideas through his ill rhymes. He eventually changed his name to "MC CHOKLIT MILK".

The walking stick was invented by an Australian gentleman in the nineteen-fourties as a means of self-defense against unexpected Piņata attacks. Piņatas had been introduced to the country two years previous, and -with no natural predators- quickly multiplied. The walking stick invention quickly caught on, and led to the eventual elimination of the Piņata from Australia.

American gangster Al Capone had opposable teeth, and was known to use them to entertain guests at parties. Historical records claim that he was able to tie knots open envelopes using only his teeth. His teeth were willed to a distant nephew, and are currently kept preserved in the British Museum.

Though traditional Canadian medical forms contain checkboxes for the preferred titles of "MR" "MRS" or "MS", one can register for a special medical ID from the Canadian government that allocate bearers to seperate forms that also include the option of "DJ". Only twelve such licenses are distributed in a fiscal year.
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James Edward Smith

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2010, 05:17:01 PM »

Quote from: Teg
In the early nineteenth century, it was customary for the winner of a gentlemens' duel to perform one kindness for the loser. As pocketwatches of the time were fragile and prone to being damaged by the blows exchanged in a duel, the winner would traditionally have the loser's pocketwatch repaired and cleaned afterwards; hence the term "to clean one's clock."

Okay, this one and the giraffe one are hiliarious, worthy of a John Hodgman book infact. They made me laugh enough that I have now been shamed out of posting some unless I actually get some free time to think of a really neat and tidy one myself.

"Truth may be stranger than fiction goes the old saw, but it never as strange as lies or for that matter as true. Proof of this maxim is the fact that I just made it up."

-John Hodgman
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Brentai

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2010, 05:50:50 PM »

I am posting this.
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Healy

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2010, 06:52:13 PM »

Did you know? George Harrison of the Beatles is one of the few people to have gone to the moon. He later described the experience as "mildly disappointing."

Did you know? Fish are said to swim "in schools" because some fish can form a giant superbrain when they are in groups.

Did you know? The plot for Chrono Cross was actually thought up as a result of an all-night-bender Masato Kato had. Previously it was going to be a Chrono Trigger themed Casino sim.
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the assassination of video james by the coward electronic arts

James Edward Smith

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2010, 06:59:55 PM »

Damn you, KirkBrentai!

Quote from: Teg
In the early nineteenth century, it was customary for the winner of a gentleman's' duel to perform one kindness for the loser. As pocketwatches of the time were fragile and prone to being damaged by the blows exchanged in a duel, the winner would traditionally have the loser's pocketwatch repaired and cleaned afterwards; hence the term "to clean one's clock."

This custom after duels in the early 19th century is also responsible for the development of many other popular terms and phrases in the English language. At least two are due to the fact that hobos of the same era would often try to exploit this gentleman's tradition for their own personal gain. A hobo attempting the ploy would seek out a wealthy individual and then attempt to initiate a duel with them via a wild and unprovoked assault with the intention of immediately taking a dive as soon as their prey responded with a blow of any kind. They would then demand the traditional favour from the victor of their "duel"; hence the term "to bumrush".

Of course bumrushing proved far more successful at providing hobos with their staples of cold beans and whiskey than simple begging or fence painting and it didn't take long before hobos everywhere were relying almost exclusively on it for all their monetary needs. By the early 20th century the railroad stations boxcar jumpers frequented had become the sites of endless one-sided brawls as travelers had to wade through wave after wave of hobo chins and kidneys, their knuckles raw and their pockets empty by the time their trains carried them away from the station. The severity of the situation is thought to be why so many travelers began braving forms of conveyance previously thought too dangerous, too crazy to ever truly catch on such as air travel, hi-ways and bizzare, long coaches drawn by large teams of runty or otherwise suboptimal greyhounds thought too slow for dog racing. The Railroad Industry has never fully recovered.

Eventually it would be President Herbert Hoover who put an end to the madness by officially changing the rules of gentlemanly dueling.

"My fellow Americans, although it pains me deeply to rob respectable losers of gentlemanly duels of the prospect of a newly repaired and cleaned timepiece, I fear our nation has no other option. Let this alteration, this change to the rules of gentlemanly dueling be known as the Spare Change so that it may spare the good people of this country from being suddenly and often wildly duped into altercations that do little for their honour and simply empty their pockets and bruise their knuckles on a nearly daily basis." -Pres. H. Hoover

As the idea and institution of "gentlemanly" behaviour has eroded, so has our society's memory of this fatefull amendment to its rules. But hobos and tramps all over North America still resent Hoover's "Spare Change", muttering its name under their breath whenever someone they perceive as a modernday gentleman passes by them. They half raise their dukes in nostagic preparation for a bumrush, often removing their hats to further expose their vulnerable chins before realizing the futility of the action in this modern age. Still, some gentlemen take pity on them, offering them some small sum of money that never seems to amount to what a bumrusher could earn with a single bruise on the cheek and a convincing drop to the ground.
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Disposable Ninja

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #13 on: May 18, 2010, 07:26:17 PM »

Stephen, Billy and Daniel are not Alec Baldwin's brothers, but merely imperfect clones of him created by Martin Sheen. At some point when manufacturing a fourth clone, there was an accident in the lab, and the clone's DNA had to be patched up with the DNA from a pair of snake-skin cowboy boots.

And that is how Adam Baldwin was born.
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Detonator

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #14 on: May 18, 2010, 07:46:00 PM »

The walking stick was invented by an Australian gentleman in the nineteen-fourties as a means of self-defense against unexpected Piņata attacks. Piņatas had been introduced to the country two years previous, and -with no natural predators- quickly multiplied. The walking stick invention quickly caught on, and led to the eventual elimination of the Piņata from Australia.

The brief Piņata epidemic, however, caused the reactionary Australian government to ban the video game "Viva Piņata", as officials worried that it would garner sympathy for the creatures.
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Catloaf

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #15 on: May 18, 2010, 07:59:49 PM »

A little known fact is that in Homer's epic, The Odyssey, Odysseus was originally going to be killed off in the first chapter.  However, a boat lost at sea where all the sailors are slowly killed off one by one was deemed 'too depressing' by Homer's test audience.

The old, worldwide myths of shape-shifting animals is startlingly enough, based on fact.  However they were all killed off during the ice age.  Except for in Japan, where they still thrive to this day.  Indeed, it is suspected that every life form native to the islands has this ability, but no one has been interested enough to investigate further.
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teg

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #16 on: May 19, 2010, 08:13:24 AM »

The Amish are not a physical phenomenon. They are actually a type of mirage caused by temporal paradoxes, making certain areas appear to be constantly "stuck" in the eighteen-hundreds. If you try to touch an Amish, your hand will actually phase right through them; though this is not recommended.
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SCD

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2010, 10:50:40 AM »

The Orange Revolution kick-started a trend where people in non-functioning democratic societies found out that they could bring about long-standing political changes by throwing fruit at each other.  While this brought forward a series of stains which still have discolored the streets of Ukraine to this very day, it was ultimately successful when several years later when the leader who was once deposed was able to throw an orange in the same leader who overthrew him.

Other countries have tried to emulate this but failed, specifically Lebanon's cedar revolution fizzled when those desiring change realized that they could not afford to import cedar trees from North America, or in Kyrgyzstan where attempts to partake in a rose revolution left many architects of change with many scratches and punctures on their hands.  
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Zaratustra

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2010, 01:04:22 PM »

Ghosts are formed by alternately quantum-valued bosons called ectons. Ectons are responsible for what scientists refer to as "spooky action at a distance".

Iridium is used as a measuring standard because it is not affected by Earth's gravity.

Cows can walk up stairs, but not up escalators.

A frog can jump twenty times his own weight.

Fingernails will continue to grow even if their owner is killed. In fact, if the fingernails are then pulled off the corpse, they will each grow an entire new human.

Most attempts to teach math to octopodes in the past were curbed by the, obvious in retrospect, fact that their numerical representations are all in octal.

The sun does not fall from the sky because it is mostly made of hydrogen and helium, both lighter than air elements.

Planets are naturally flat, but their gravity distorts space around them such that they appear round.

Shinra

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Re: Blatant Lies
« Reply #19 on: May 19, 2010, 01:16:43 PM »

The Amish are not a physical phenomenon. They are actually a type of mirage caused by temporal paradoxes, making certain areas appear to be constantly "stuck" in the eighteen-hundreds. If you try to touch an Amish, your hand will actually phase right through them; though this is not recommended.

I can confirm this, having attempted to touch an Amish in my time.

Keep in mind, the Amish are not to be confused with Mennonites, who are actually space-fairing travellers from alpha centauri (the silver bullet trailers they are known to own are actually a form of shuttlecraft) or the Pennsylvania Dutch, who are androids who work for the electric fireplace industry.
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