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[R^2]

With my exploit-fueled cash holdings, I go back to Luminous and Devin to buy some spells. Rouge here now has a full complement -- although without having the gift for Rune magic, he can't develop any more of those.

See that little set of icons at the top? There's a sword, a red bar, a crown, and a staff. That's your Mastery meter for each character. As Humans equip sword, gun, or martial art skills in their ten available skill slots, it turns blue. If it's at least 80% blue and has no red, they attain Physical Mastery.

As Humans equip magic, the bar turns red. If it's at least 80% red and has no blue, they attain Magical Mastery.

Physical and Magical Mastery reduce the WP cost of sword/gun/martial art skills or the JP cost of spells by 1 respectively. This means you can use cheap abilities like DoubleSlash, AirThrow, or EnergyChain for free, instead of basic attacks. Furthermore, characters with Physical Mastery are twice as likely to Spark new sword and martial arts techniques or develop new gun skills after battle. Likewise, characters with Magical Mastery are twice as likely to develop new spells.

[R^2]

Anyway, back to Mu's Tomb in Shrike, the area where we picked up Roufas.


See? EnergyChain now costs 0 JP to cast instead of its base cost of 1.


I could use the big room off to the left to lure enemies out of this corridor and get through without a scratch, but to hell with it. TO VICTORY!


Six fights later, victory is ours.


Well, that's not ominous at all.


Uh huh.


The first turn against this pile of bones is a good chance to use buff spells and abilities on yourself, since the bones themselves can't be damaged. Not that we have very many, but Rouge takes the chance to use VictoryRune on Liza, enhancing her attack power a little.

Yes, I can use the spell that I purchased even though I'm on the mission to collect that very same spell. I don't get it either.


At the end of the first turn, the skeleton animates and assembles itself.


The roar as it does so is as loud as it can possibly be for any given volume setting.


Oh yeah, there only limit to the number of people who can participate in a combo is the number of people on the field. If you're using a lot of compatible skills, you can get a five-person combo.


It's a much longer fight than it seems from these shots.


But we are finally... victorious.

[R^2]

According to the person in Devin, the last rune is in Koorong. So we'd better head...


...to Mosperiburg.


Swanky. Mosperiburg is a single palace, leading up to this guy on his dragon/angel/tombstone throne.


But to be fair, we don't have much reason to come here.




Never seen you before in my life, bro.






In his frustration, Virgil teleports us to... the caves under Koorong. This skips a lot of trudging through the Koorong sewers to get down here.


Here we go.


Ewww, icky bugs!


The guy in the back is the boss, the smaller ones in front his support. They'll buff his stats and heal him for about 500 HP each turn.


But Rouge learned a couple new spells recently.


KABOOM. VermillionSand is the last Realm magic spell, and it's a powerful all-enemies attack.


At this point the boss uses Tremor. It's possible to pick up some JetBoots that nullify this attack in the junk shop back in Scrap, but I didn't. I skipped the tier they're available because I had too much money.


After wiping out the mooks, Rouge takes over healing duty with his Light Magic, since the boss hits pretty hard. We eventually wear it down, though.








Welp, that's over and done with.

[R^2]

Emelia: Yes, right here. I'll go.
Roufas: Hummm... maybe this will work.
Emelia: Well, it's a dance, right? I'd be perfect.
Roufas: All right, you go with Liza.
Emelia: What about Annie?
Roufas: I have another job for her.
Annie: All right.
Roufas: Emelia, don't forget your mask. You won't be able to participate in the contest without one.
Emelia: Don't worry, I won't. Maybe I'll meet a masked prince!




Liza: Emelia, put this on.
Emelia: No thanks, I brought my own dress.
Liza: Just put this on.

Emelia walks down the stairs to the right, and returns...


In a lady luchador outfit.

Liza: It's good enough for a martial arts tournament.
Emelia: A martial arts tournament? Then this isn't a ball?
Liza: What are you talking about? Didn't you know Shingrow Palace sponsors a Masked Martial Arts Tournament every year?
Emelia: You guys tricked me again!

They didn't. You're just dumb.

Liza: You're the one who volunteered. Now hurry up.

I love Liza.


Nothing to do but get in line, I guess.


Clerk: Pink Tiger. Please proceed to the next room.

[R^2]

The tournament is four rounds against various enemies.


I like that the Rabbat is wearing a tiny domino mask.


Fight! Fight! And fight some more. Am I wrong?


Assa no good.


While Emelia is asleep, her opponent strikes with Deathgrip, slaying her instantly.


Thankfully, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. In fact, a number of players think it's actually impossible to win, given the last opponent's habit of using SwayBack, a martial arts technique that nullifies incoming attacks. Since my last game had Emelia learn 2GaleSlash early, and 2GaleSlash can't be evaded by SwayBack, I actually beat the last round. There's no reward, and nothing changes for the rest of the chapter.






Emelia: I'm Pink Tiger!
Roufas: Let's go get him!


My party is Emelia, Annie, Liza, and Roufas. Rouge, Fei-On, and Slime are nowhere to be found. See why I said I might as well bring Annie along for my grind sessions?


At one point we are ambushed by mooks (they drop from the ceiling, that guy isn't standing on Emelia's head).


Why would mooks guard this room and no others?


To keep you from finding the hidden passage, of course.




Goblin: Yeah, I saw him.
Emelia: Where did he go?
Goblin: I'm not telling you. In fact, he told me to get rid of you.

The boss fight was so unremarkable I didn't even screencap it.




Chapter end. Hey, where's the duck lips?

[R^2]

Talk to Roufas after each mission for a paycheck.


And this guy lets you change into the Pink Tiger costume if you want. Why would you?

The Pink Tiger outfit changes Emelia's Talent list for Liza's. In her own scenario, this kind of thing makes Emelia pretty flexible and able to learn most of the sword and martial arts techniques available.


I'm not messing around with that right now, though. Training = plot progression.


frrrrrrrt

Roufas: What's the matter?
Emelia: That sounds too good to be true. You must be trying to trick me.
Roufas: Oh all right. Liza, Annie, take this job.
Liza: Where are we going?
Roufas: To Baccarat. Joker's been seen there lately.
Annie: I bet he loves gambling. It just fits his name.
Emelia: I changed my mind. If Joker's going to be there, let me go with them.
Roufas: Emelia, don't be a hero. We just want to know what Joker's up to.

[R^2]

Annie: Money sure is the root of all evil.
Liza: Gambling just makes them crazy.
Annie: Liza, you're very calm.
Liza: Let's get to work.


It's supposed to make you better at learning magic, but doesn't because the game is basically just a pile of bugs and glitches scraped together and given a script.

Liza: To collect information. Talk to as many customers as you can.
Emelia: Do I really have to?
Annie: I bet you'll get a lot of information in that outfit. Besides, you look really good in it.
Liza: She looks good in anything. She was a super-model.
Emelia: You really think so? Well, I guess a woman's got to do what a woman's got to do.


Maybe Emelia would stop getting tricked and conned into jobs she doesn't want to do if she weren't so dumb and easily manipulated.




Easiest investigation ever.


I'd recognize those ducklips anywhere!


Elevator operator: He went down to the parking lot, why?
Emelia: Take me to the parking lot! Hurry!

Fine, but don't stand behind her and stare at her hips.


Suspicious!

[R^2]

A cave!


A very brief one.


Joker: But my special exchange rate is double the norm.


Emelia: Sure I can. But before I do, tell me why you killed Ren?
Joker: Why? I wonder...?
Emelia: Don't mock me!


Joker gives Emelia a golden shower...


...for the benefit of the nearby dwarves.

Wait, that came out wrong.


Anyway, Joker leaps away again. Doesn't this guy ever walk?


Okay! We are at, for no readily apparent reason, the choice between Emelia's Good Ending or Bad Ending!

Do we want Emelia to live happily ever after, or do we hate her stupid face and wish for her to fail at everything she set out to do? Your call! Poll is open until it's not anymore!

[Beat Bandit]

It would seem out-of-place for her to start doing something right now.

Are there any consequences that alter other character stories?

[Classic]

This game. Arrrgh. This game!

[R^2]

Are there any consequences that alter other character stories?

Nope. Every scenario is 100% standalone (despite that canonically they all run at about the same time), so the decisions made in one story have no effect on the others. Only two scenarios have multiple endings, anyway.

There's a tiny effect on your starting stats, equipment, and skills for some characters based on how hard the enemies got in the previous game, but nothing major. For example, Annie starts most games with the sword skills StunSlash and DoubleSlash. Since I've completed games before on this system data, and I made such-and-such much progress in the last scenario I played, she also started with HardSlash, Thrust, and Smash. If I'd made a bit more, she might have started with Deflect, too. Her stats went up, e.g. her strength started at 22 instead of 15. But no difference in story at all, for Emelia or anyone else, because of those changes.

[R^2]

Seriously, Cancer Mec? Not Crab Mec or something?


Anyway, we do the completely logical thing and try to catch Joker before he gets away. Instead of, you know, throwing up our hands in frustration and just leaving Baccarat entirely.




For our troubles we fight Gargantu, who is very large but not very difficult.











So we leave.




End of chapter. Annie's fashion sense is about as good as her sword skills. Or her gun skills. Or her magic skills. Or anything, really. Why you so terrible, Annie?

[R^2]

Back at base, Emelia picks up a paycheck and immediately goes in for training to start the next mission.


Roufas: Yes. Joker's in contact with the commander of Trinity Base. He's trying to get information on Cube.

Well, that's convenient. I, as a player, am also trying to get information on Cube. What the fuck is Cube?

Roufas: After you sneak onto the base, we'll create a diversion. Then, I want you to investigate the relation between the commander and Joker.
Emelia: How can I complete an important mission like that all alone?
Roufas: Your good looks make you the most qualified for this mission. You see, the commander of the base, Yaruto, is a real pervert. You should be able to get into his harem, no problem.

Roufas, at no point in that explanation did you say anything... good.

Emelia: Harem? There is no way I am going in there. Not even for Joker! I refuse!

Emelia shows more sense than usual.


Emelia: I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but why am I the best for this job? Gimme a break!
Liza: But Roufas won't be expecting it. And besides, he doesn't understand women.

Um, "I need you to be a sex slave so we have a chance of gathering unspecified information about someone's transaction history with the military" isn't just a misunderstanding of women, Liza.

Emelia: Did something happen between you and Roufas?
Liza: It's history. I was young and naive and thought he might choose me over his cause... yeah, like that was really going to happen.

...how long has Roufas been chasing Joker?

Emelia: It must be tough on you. I mean you've still got to work with him every day.
Liza: That's the price you pay for being young and naive. He doesn't care... sorry, I shouldn't bother you with my personal problems.
Emelia: That's OK. I think I understand what you're going through. I mean, losing a loved one and all.

"My fiancee was brutally murdered by some vaguely-sinister criminal... sorta... thing. Your boyfriend from years ago expects you to be professional at work and not bring up all those times you boned. Totally the same thing."

Liza: Thanks, Emelia. Hey, want a drink?




Pilot on the right: Even a pervert like Yaruto ought to be satisfied with this one, at least for a while.
Pilot in the middle: I hear he's even stalking Mystics now. This guy ought to be locked up.


Liza: First you slipped knockout pills in her drink and then you sold her to Trinity.

Right. "Mean". That is absolutely the most appropriate word choice to use in this situation. When your boss drugs you and sells you to a military officer as a sex slave, the first word to come to my mind to describe is "mean".

Annie: Roufas, you'll pay if anything happens to Emelia.
Roufas: This mission is more important than our lives.

Roufas, you are being the dumbest person in the room right now, and that's a goddamned accomplishment in this scenario.

Annie: She's an innocent girl! She could get...
Roufas: Get what?


Now is not the time for flatulence, Annie.

Annie: Let's go, Liza.
Roufas: I won't allow you two to interfere with the mission.
Liza: We're just trying to help.

[R^2]

As an aside: That "cockpit interior" background is only used a couple of times in the game, but the time you see it most often is when you're about to get swallowed by Tanzer in your search for the Vitality Rune.

Which would be a pretty shitty place to wake up after your boss slips you a roofie.

Not that where Emelia actually ends up is much better:

Emelia: ...Liza must have known about it too. Look at this skimpy outfit! This Yaruto guy must be a real horn dog.

Wearing the Dancer costume swaps Emelia's Spark list... for Annie's. I cannot fathom why anyone would think this is a good idea.
















Oh no! My disguise is utterly useless if the person I'm supposed to be disguised from sees me!

Roufas is described early on as "smart", but that is clearly Liza's residual feelings for him giving her some rose-tinted glasses.


Emelia: You'll pay for this, Roufas. Yes, I hope you enjoy my dance.




"She's not even moving. Everyone else I've got here is at least doing something, but her dance is just standing there. That doesn't make sense."

Yaruto: I like this one too. She whets my appetite. What if I give you a mystic wench from Facinaturu? She's quite a beauty and can do fantastic things with her body!


As he says this line, an explosion happens offscreen! Not that you can tell because I can't relay sound effects and the only visual indication that this is the case is the screen shaking, which I can't animate. So take my word for it: explosion.




Joker: Commander Yaruto's power must be deteriorating real quick.

And then, there is a blackout.



Right.


Emelia: I've got to go after him.

[R^2]

Some of the other ladies from the harem are chillin' outside.


We are attacked by a beast!


And a beast it is! This fight is always geared to be harder than the monsters you fight in random encounters. This isn't so much a Lisa-Frank pastel sticker for preteen girls as it is a giant goddamned horse with a point on the end.

Both of these ladies are Mystics, as has been heavily hinted at up to this point. And while I haven't covered Mystics at all... I'm not going to here.


...except to say that Mystics can absorb enemies into their MysticSwords, as the lady in red is doing here. It's an instant-death effect for the enemy in question, and either this (or the lady in white to get lucky with FlashFlood, which tries to instakill all enemies onscreen) is about the only reliable way to win this fight.


Woman in Red: It must be Zozma. He was planning to sabotage the base.
Emelia: This isn't Gradius's doing? What's the matter with Roufas?

He forgot you were there.

Woman in Red: You're after Yaruto? We can help you get him.
Emelia: I am Emelia.
Woman in Red: I am Asellus.
Woman in White: My name is Princess White Rose.
Emelia: Princess White Rose...? Some name!


Okay, so Asellus is a Half-Mystic. That sounds very interesting and is something we should probably investigate very closely later.


Anyway, we're free to explore the base now. After fighting off the monsters in this room...


Trinity base guy: You guys are so naive.


Not that you can really tell since Emelia is standing in the way, but his appearance changed to... basically to Akuma from Street Fighter.


Asellus chews him out a bit.


Not by just waving his hands and banishing them back to wherever they came from. No, Zozma joins the party to personally beat the crap out of all of them.


Zozma is the aforementioned one character in the game who can learn Evil magic. He starts with all four spells already, though.


There's a miniboss fight outside the commander's room, which is why I recruited everyone. Emelia by herself would have been nearly impossible, but with Zozma and Asellus hitting with some strong combos it was a snap.


So we wander back through the base until we reach the ship dock.


End of chapter. Well, that was pointless.

[R^2]

Did you think there would actually be any follow-up to the "Hey, you drugged me and sold me to Trinity!" conflict? Ha ha ha. Nope. Emelia picks up her paycheck without comment and sails to Owmi.


Because Owmi is the only way to get to Nelson, for some reason.


Because Nelson has this pub.



The Skeleton Dance (Walt Disney, 1929)

This guy knows his classics.


But we're here for this other guy, who sells ingots of gold. They're set at 500 credits a pop.


Then we sail back to Koorong (via Owmi), with this bitchin' flying pirate ship part of the way. It's the only ship that goes to Nelson, see.


There's also a gold exchange at Koorong. Here, the prices fluctuate! The price to buy or sell a gold ingot starts at 1000. For every one you buy, the price goes up. For every one you sell, the price goes down. So selling the first ingot is worth 1000 gold, the next 940, the next 880, and so on.

Now, you might think it's possible to just make some quick cash by buying gold in Nelson and selling it in Koorong, but the exchange in Koorong doesn't reset the price to 1000 when you leave -- it remembers where it was when you last visited.


So cheating them out of their money takes a bit more effort. Here I've offered to sell enough gold to reduce the price per ingot to 0... but I have more gold left to sell!


Okay. That's all the gold I've got, but they didn't offer me any more money for the last twelve ingots.


But even though I ruined all their demand, they offer me 40 credits for the first ingot I offer to sell, rather than the thirteenth (one more than when they started offering me 0 credits for gold).

So I offer to sell none of my gold, moving the meter all the way back up. Every time I go up, they raise the price -- until it's twelve iterations higher than when I started. That's much better! So I sell off some gold at a tidy profit, return to Nelson, and buy more.


Repeating the process a couple of times nets me more and more credits and more and more gold ingots every time.


And here's why. Endgame equipment is pricey and damned if I'm gonna grind for random drops for a whole party in seven different scenarios. Enemies only drop single- or double-digit credits after a fight for most of the game. Exploiting the cost of gold for your own profit is a breezy way to afford the gear you'll need.

Suits are a little odd, as armor goes, because you can only wear clothes and accessories with them. So only very nice "suit" type gear is worth it -- otherwise you're better off wearing armor with a complement of helmet, gloves, and boots. But the PoweredSuit and Hyperwear together provide Defense 60 -- more than the WarlordArmor, MirrorGlass, and Featherboots everyone was wearing up to this point. And the two other slots can be filled with accessories that provide, say, defense against elemental attacks or status ailments.

[R^2]

Everyone properly suited up, let's get on with things.

Roufas: That's right. Ever since that last incident, Yaruto was relieved of duty. Now, a new warden is in command of the base. Joker still hasn't given up. He's in contact with a new commander. Trinity must know where Cube is.

I'd be happy if they'd tell me what Cube is.

Roufas: Your familiarity with the base makes you the most qualified for this mission.
Emelia: All right. I'll do it.
Roufas: That was easy.
Emelia: If I don't, you have a habit of drugging me and selling me anyway It seemed reasonable, more reasonable that roofies and a harem outfit. I'll try my best not to fucking strangle you.
Roufas: We're counting on you. In the meantime, the rest of us will prepare for the final attack against Joker. Good luck.




Commando Emelia is supposed to be better with guns than any other outfit, but instead it's just another outfit that doesn't do anything.


This guy's a tough fight, like the Unicorn before it. But now Emelia is alone and without any mec-wrecking instant-win moves. So we have to go around. It's a schlep and Trinity Base is easy to get lost in.


But we find the commander's room again anyway.

Commander: He's gone.
Emelia: Where?
Commander: Do you know you're interrogating the commander of Trinity Base?
Emelia: So, you're the new commander? Even better, where is Joker?

Emelia.

Emelia, Emelia, Emelia. He's in the commander's room. He's behind the commander's desk. He's not at all panicked by a random blonde with a gun (for whatever reason) storming into his office.

Yes he is the new commander of Lambda Base Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ you are stupid

Commander: He went to get Cube.
Emelia: You sold him the information! Tell me where I'll find him.
Commander: Relax, lady. It will take him some time to decipher the code. Besides, I know exactly where he's headed... Yorkland.
Emelia: The Cube is in Yorkland?
Commander: There is an old chapel in the Yorkland mountains. That's where it's supposed to be.
Emelia: Why are you telling me all this? Is this some kind of trap?

...

...

...

Commander: Well, frankly we feel this Joker character is getting a little too dangerous. We want Gradius to get rid of him.
Emelia: I've got so many questions.
Commander: Like I said, relax and put the gun down, lady.
Emelia: First, what's Cube?

GOOD FUCKING QUESTION

Commander: I can't answer that. Cube is Trinity's best kept secret.

YOU DICK

Emelia: That's why you want us to get rid of him? Second, who is Joker?
Commander: I bet you know him better than we do, Miss Emelia.

Ominous! and stupid.

Emelia: How did you know my name? What did you mean by that?
Commander: One question at a time. Before I was promoted to commander here, I was in charge of security. I know a lot about Gradius.


Another explosion rocks the screen! (Trust me on this one too)


Reactor. All personnel must evacuate immediately.


Not if we can have another long, drawn-out, pointless conversation that actually doesn't tell me anything!


There is something wrong with the power reactor at Trinity. Evacuate, I repeat, evacuate immediately.


"Your boss is Roger?"


Commander: Yes, this is the famous angel of Yorkland legend.
Emelia: Why are you giving me this?
Commander: Long ago, when I was at your age, I also fought for ideals with my buddies. Anyway, me and two of my pals fell in love with this beautiful woman. She was as pure as the first snow of winter. I always planned on giving this to her someday.
Emelia: Why didn't you?
Commander: Because she married one of my best pals. I respected him. So, I decided to conceal my feelings for her forever. But the broach sure brought me luck. After all, I ended up becoming the commander of Trinity Base, didn't I?
Emelia: You sure you want to give me this?
Commander: It'd be better if someone like you wore it. It'll look lovely on you.
Emelia: Thanks. This...
Commander: Angel Broach.
Emelia: I'll take care of it.

See? Long and pointless.


Emelia finally gets around to getting the hell out of the base.




Another explosion drowns out his response. Emelia actually says "I can't hear you!" here, but the dialog balloons are only on the screen for a split-second and I messed up the timing.


When I said "Roufas forgot about you" before, did you think that was a joke?






Liza: Yeah, that's the famous angel of Yorkland legend.


Roufas: His name is Mondo. He worked for Yaruto for years. He was practically in charge of Trinity's patrol. I can describe him in 3 words: cold, cruel, and efficient. The guy's as sharp as a razor. He gave us a lot of trouble when he ran the patrol. Thank God we don't have to deal with him anymore.
Emelia: Really.

God this update is full of words.


I'm outta here.


End of words words words words words words words words words words words words words words

[R^2]

We change into Pink Tiger to go do some more grinding. Why? Well...

Emelia has talent for Sliding and Suplex, and managed to pick up BabelCrumble by chance. Switching to Liza's talent list via the Pink Tiger outfit gives her a shot at GiantSwing (and had she not lucked into it, BabelCrumble).

Those four abilities, one kicking move and three throws, make up the...


Deadly Suplex Combo.

(Dream Super Combo? Who comes up with this stuff?)


DSC is just those four moves, one after another. The user slides into the target...


...suplexes them into the ground...


...smashes them into the ground again...


...whirls them around...


...and flings them away to smack into the ground again somewhere else.


Not every move always triggers, but the damage adds up as though whatever moves involved were amplified by being in the sort of combo several people do together. It adds up fast!

No character has natural talent for all four moves except Emelia in her own scenario. It's the only thing she ever does right! Of course, if you recruit her as any other character, she can't swap costumes, so you still have to luck into BabelCrumble and GiantSwing.

Outside of Emelia's costume exploits, the character most likely to learn the DSC is... Liza. She has talent for Suplex, BabelCrumble, and GiantSwing, so you only have to luck into Sliding. Fei-On, for all his martial arts ability, lacks talent for both BabelCrumble and GiantSwing, so getting him to learn DSC is harder than you'd expect from the game's otherwise-best martial artist.

[R^2]

No cinematics, no equippign montage, no nothin'. Not even a ship actually taking you to Yorkland. You just appear in the jungle.




There's a miniboss blocking a bridge, but he's barely a speedbump at this point.




Emelia! Emelia! FOCUS.


The area's quite short. If you avoid random encounters, you can get to the chapel in less than five minutes.

That's counting the miniboss fight.









WHAT



WHAT




I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER










Roufas breaks wind in response.

[Classic]

Man, Roufas must have really blasted it if it caused or is being mistaken for an avalanche.