Topic: FFAGS: The Beer of Iatnerb (Read 6573 times)

Brentai · « **Reply #40 on:** July 09, 2008, 10:34:26 PM »

Gawain's rambling doesn't seem to have much of an effect on the fat woman. She reaches her gigantically fat hands out to him. Yep, looks like she does, in fact, intend to eat him, arrows or no.

Mr. Sheep clamps his teeth down firmly on the tasty looking stopper. It is wedged in tight, as if it were vitally important.

Gawain Larch: [Rambling to giant fat lady] No effect. -INJURED-
Mr. Sheep: [Attempting to eat stopper] 1d20 for Biting. (You have 20 Biting.)
King Ratzen: [No Action]

Kazz · « **Reply #41 on:** July 09, 2008, 10:55:17 PM »

Fifteen biting!

Guild · « **Reply #42 on:** July 09, 2008, 10:58:04 PM »

Gawain ceases his rambling and releases his arrow, hobbling backward to avoid her reach. "I'LL MAKE YOU PROUD, FATHER!" He fires arrow after arrow at her eyesockets.

Shooting the fuck out of a fat lady's eyesockets.

Gawain has:
70 Archery
10 Courage
10 Belief

Brentai · « **Reply #43 on:** July 10, 2008, 09:36:33 AM »

Mr. Sheep rolls 19. FAIL

Mr. Sheep gnaws frantically at the stopper, but apparently somebody thought it was very important that it doesn't get pulled.

Gawain shoots several arrows at the fat lady, most of which bounce harmlessly off her rubbery fatflesh. Hopefully, though, a few may reach her weak points...

Gawain Larch: [Shooting fat lady's eyes] 2d20 for Archery -INJURED-
Mr. Sheep: [No Action]
King Ratzen: [No Action]

Guild · « **Reply #44 on:** July 10, 2008, 11:27:14 AM »

Using every pg-13 curseword he knows, Gawain curses his injuries. "If it weren't for this blasted distended bowmuscle and fragging bent pinky I'd be bloody shooting more gorram accurately! TAKE THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND THAT YOU ROTTEN PIG SQUELCHER!!" He continues to fire arrows at her eyesockets.

Spending 30 Archery to shoot her eyeballs.

Gawain has:
40 Archery
10 Courage
10 Belief

Brentai · « **Reply #45 on:** July 10, 2008, 01:16:52 PM »

Gawain rolls 33. FAIL

Gawain's injuries prevent him from being able to do any meaningful damage to the hideous monster. Without resistance she grabs him in her enormous fat fist and crushes him, causing severe injuries, then pulls him into her horrible mouth.

The adventurer and the barman wander out of the tavern and observe the seemingly comatose King Ratzen with interest. The look at each other briefly, nod, and then the adventurer begins to sneak towards the king, knife in hand.

Mr. Sheep is standing at the bottom of the void with the stopper. Yep.

Gawain Larch: [No Action] -GRAVELY INJURED-
Mr. Sheep: [No Action]
King Ratzen: [No Action]

Detonator · « **Reply #46 on:** July 10, 2008, 03:29:50 PM »

Ratzen snaps out of his daily coma. He whips around to the adventurer, unsheathing his sword, screaming "NOBODY KILLS THE KING BUT ME!"

Unfortunately, the lack of relative gravity causes Ratzen to continue spinning around helplessly in the void. He decides to make the most of it and sticks the sword out in front of him (an ancient technique passed down by his ancestors).

[Action: WHEEEEEEEEEE!]

Brentai · « **Reply #47 on:** July 10, 2008, 04:07:59 PM »

King Ratzen's spinning is duly terrifying to the adventurer and the barman, who run screaming in the opposite direction and end up falling off the side of the side of the rock the tavern sits on. They hit the bottom of the void hard and tumble all the way down to the bottom where Mr. Sheep is, in a bloody but still-breathing lump.

Apparently, King Ratzen is the only one not affected by gravity in this realm, as he neither stops his spinning nor manages to keep himself on the ground. He starts to lazily float in the direction of Gawain and the fat woman who is about to eat him.

King Ratzen learned a new skill and gained 20 points in Copter Blade!

Gawain Larch: [No Action] -GRAVELY INJURED-
Mr. Sheep: [No Action]
King Ratzen: [No Action] -STUCK DOING COPTER BLADE-

Guild · « **Reply #48 on:** July 10, 2008, 07:02:06 PM »

Once again crying profusely, Gawain threatens to call for his father. He also attempts to kick the fat woman in the uvula. "I DON'T WANNA DIIIIIIIIE WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Kicking Thad's mom in the uvula.

Gawain has:
40 Archery
10 Courage
10 Belief

Brentai · « **Reply #49 on:** July 10, 2008, 07:14:56 PM »

Gawain summons all his Courage, Belief, and, um, Archery to attempt one last attack on the horrible creature, but unfortunately none of that really helps when you're trying to kick. A set of teeth begin ripping into Gawain's flesh, and soon nothing else matters to him.

If it's any consolation, you can tell Thad when he dies that you were, in fact, inside his mom.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=P6iT-lMgfAI

(Note: You may continue by creating a new character at any time.)

Mr. Sheep: [No Action]
King Ratzen: [No Action] -STUCK DOING COPTER BLADE-

Kazz · « **Reply #50 on:** July 10, 2008, 07:26:11 PM »

Mr. Sheep angrily pounds on the delicious stopper with all of his might, attempting to dislodge it.

Brentai · « **Reply #51 on:** July 10, 2008, 10:07:50 PM »

Mr. Sheep attacks the stopper as the adventurer and the barman watch in confusion, then pass out.

Thad's Mom spies King Ratzen flying off in the distance, and begins to THUMP, THUMP, THUMP toward him out of curiousity.

Mr. Sheep: [Attacking the stopper] 1d9 for Butting. The stopper took 11 damage from the last attempt to dislodge it. Somehow. (You have 20 Butting.)
King Ratzen: [No Action] -STUCK DOING COPTER BLADE-

Kazz · « **Reply #52 on:** July 10, 2008, 10:29:16 PM »

Nine butting!

Brentai · « **Reply #53 on:** July 10, 2008, 10:44:30 PM »

Mr. Sheep butts the HELL out of the stopper at the bottom of the void, dislodging it just enough that it pops out... and with it erupts a geyser of amber-colored liquid, which starts very rapidly collecting on the bottom of the void. It's hard to say right now, but this may become a problem in a moment.

The liquid smells distinctly like beer.

The stopper lands next to Mr. Sheep.

Mr. Sheep: [No Action]
King Ratzen: [No Action] -STUCK DOING COPTER BLADE-

Kazz · « **Reply #54 on:** July 10, 2008, 10:48:54 PM »

Mr. Sheep scrambles and runs from the geyser in abject terror.

Guild · « **Reply #55 on:** July 10, 2008, 10:57:51 PM »

Thad's Mom was born of the abyss. Her mother, Chaos, and her father, Butt-Ugliness, blessed her birth with a great feast. They invited Gluttony, Envy, Wrath and Hair Style, as well as a host of others, however as each of these immortals came forth to bless Thad's Mom they were stricken with horror at her ugliness.

"I bestow upon you-OH GOD WHAT IS IT?" Gluttony barely choked out before vomiting and going on a thirteen century diet. The sudden shift in power unleashed within Thad's Mom an insatable hunger.

"I bless you with- ugh, a face only a mother would love!" gargled Envy, though Chaos shook her head no in the background.

"I bless you with a short temper!" yelled Wrath before counting to ten and then punching Gluttony for being a pussy.

"And I bless you with a beautiful head of hair!" mumbled Hair Style, though he had a bit of spinach in his teeth and instead of hair kelp sprouted forth in flowing waves.

Thad's Mom began to grow angry and hungry until she suddenly attacked a small knot of party goers. Her Mother, horrified, complained to her Father and he nodded and banished her to the Real World, never to plague their posh immortal parties again.

Thad's Mom suddenly appeared inside a tiny shepherd's hut, to the short-lived amazement of several doomed sheep and a squished shepherd boy.

Brentai · « **Reply #56 on:** July 10, 2008, 11:28:05 PM »

-----
Player Name: Guildenstern
Character Name: Thad's Mom

100 EAT

20 CRUSH
20 STOMP
20 ROOOOOAR
-----

Mr. Sheep scrambles and runs from the geyser in abject terror. The beer starts to form a pool at the bottom of the void, quickly overtaking the stopper that Mr. Sheep seemed to be so interested in, as well as those recurring nobodies, the adventurer and the bartender. Moments later the adventurer and the bartender reappear on the surface of the pool as a pair of bloated but strangely jolly corpses. They don't seem to have been very immortal, or at least not very immune to sudden catastrophic alcohol poisoning. The stopper also bobs up gently to the surface, quite a bit less drunk and dead.

Thad's Mom pauses for a brief moment, as if some new purpose and direction had suddenly overcome her, then shrugs it off and continues her pursuit of King Ratzen.

Mr. Sheep: [No Action]
King Ratzen: [No Action] -STUCK DOING COPTER BLADE-
Thad's Mom: [Pursuing King Ratzen]

Guild · « **Reply #57 on:** July 10, 2008, 11:46:52 PM »

Thad's Mom makes a beeline for the man staring blankly into space, but then a sound like the tinkling of a hundred drunkards reaches her brain through the incredibly massive network of fat tissue she uses instead of nerves. "Graaaaaah?" She sniffs at the beery aroma wafting up from the depths and after a few dozen more steps is able to cease her legs from flapping long enough to stand still and have a thought.

After several hours of thinking Thad's Mom realizes that the smell and sounds are enticing. She lumbers over to the edge of the rock to look for the origin of the sounds. Seeing the beer, she grins, her massive chubby wart-covered face splitting like a melon to reveal sharklike rows of green rotten teeth. Her excitement becomes evident as her body odor suddenly activates and she dives head-first into the beer.

Drinking the beer welling up from beneath the void.

Thad's Mom has:
100 EAT
20 CRUSH
20 STOMP
20 ROOOOOAR

Brentai · « **Reply #58 on:** July 11, 2008, 11:04:19 AM »

For the purpose of narration, we will assume that Thad's Mom exists in a

TIME PARADOX and that several hours of thinking for her pass relatively quickly.

Thad's Mom dives head-first into the beer, which due to her size has the effect of causing her head to burst through the bottom of the void-bowl. She finds herself submerged in beer as far as she can see, her head now stuck in the hole the made in the bottom of the void. Fortunately due to her size and lifelong alcohol habit she doesn't seem to be negatively affected by the beer intake. At least not yet.

Thad's Mom's head is now effectively stoppering the void, so no more beer is flowing up from the bottom. The stopper lies next to her, feeling sort of useless at this point. Not that it actually has feelings but, you know, it WOULD.

Mr. Sheep finds himself somewhere pretty much uninteresting. Honestly the only interesting things around are Thad's Mom, the tavern, the ruins of the little house, and King Ratzen who is flying off in the distance somewhere.

Mr. Sheep: [No Action]
King Ratzen: [No Action] -STUCK DOING COPTER BLADE-
Thad's Mom: [No Action] -HEAD STUCK IN BEER-

Kazz · « **Reply #59 on:** July 11, 2008, 11:07:59 AM »

Mr. Sheep loves his uninteresting place to death, and grazes there.

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Author Topic: FFAGS: The Beer of Iatnerb (Read 6573 times)