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Author Topic: Final Fucking Fantasy  (Read 95303 times)

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #460 on: December 19, 2008, 01:29:19 AM »

My money's on SoraCross.
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Koah

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #461 on: December 19, 2008, 01:30:11 AM »

I came from the future of this post to add this note to the beginning of it to say that this... thing is not actually directed at anyone, least of all Thad.

Are you saying you seriously saw his first post and thought it was legit?  I saw a post fapping off for paragraphs over FF7, complete with spelling "mako" with a "u", and I went straight for his IP to see who he really was.

...frankly I'd have guessed OHak since he's the only one who seems to be taking him seriously, but it's not.

Oh, now that's just insulting.  Since when have I ever written something that ungodly verbose about something I liked?  Especially Sephiroth, of all things, a character more known for what he looked like than what he actually did.  Say what the fuck you will about Ultimecia and her profoundly retarded "time kompression" plan, or Necron and how he had fuck-all to do with anything that happened, at all, EVER, at least people bother to remember them for what they did or didn't do.  Sephiroth?  Fuck his resume, he's a bare-chested jackass in a big black coat with less testosterone and body hair than a twelve-year-old boy and ten goddamn feet of sword.

Ten goddamn feet of sword.  In a game with cyborg gun arms, megaphones and an artillery cannon that can take out cities but is stuck with a twenty-degree cone of fire pointing at a country that couldn't start another war if they tried, and in a series that gave us the fucking gunblade and whatever the shit that basket on a stick was in FF9, this strikes me as a decision with all the sense of Pickett's Charge.  The only difference between the people who gave Sephy that waste of iron and the Confederate commanders is that the Confederates heard the plan and said, "this is the dumbest fucking thing ever."  No word on what it would be like if the roles were reversed, but somewhere there's probably a dimension where a bunch of displaced Japanese committed seppuku over a strikingly piss-poor military blunder that they thought was the greatest idea ever and pubescents on the Internet masturbate to a game where a spiky-haired douche chases after an evil Abraham Lincoln.  If you really care about it figuring it out enough, go make a machine that lets you punch through dimensions.  I'll wait.

I don't play JRPGs for the realism - shit, I just got done with one that put me up against Hitler on a UFO built by the Mayans - but sometime I just get blindsided by fridge logic when I'm busy trying to get the party to shut up about how much they miss the bland Mary Sue (I missed her too folks, mostly because my only choices for the Magic Spammer party role are Yuffie and Goddamn Cait Sith, but I'm getting over it and moving on with my life and so should you, now shut up and let me kill things) and start trying to figure shit out.  Fridge logic like "how the hell does he walk around with that thing?"  Because it's a sorry fucking state of affairs when you can fucking castrate the villain by going up a tight flight of stairs.  You see this?



This staircase could kick Sephiroth's ass.

Compare this to Daleks, who got their asses kicked by stairs but then - and get this - realized how stupid it was to not have legs on their robots, then gave their robots legs!  They realized what their flaw was, then corrected it!  Meanwhile, SOLDIER headquarters probably spent tens of thousands of dollars re-plastering all the stonework after Sephy there tore the shit out of the walls with his gigantic masterwork bastard sword, not to mention all the people he ended up cutting in half whenever he turned around too quickly.

The buster sword?  Giant fucking cricket bat, might be hollow, the thing would still hurt like hell either way.  It could be some ridiculous space-age alloy or some shit like that too; hell, say that they dunked it in a giant Makouououououou vat or maaaaaagic or something to make it lighter.  But at least you could still use a damn elevator when carrying it.  Sephiroth's sword?  Fuck no, fuck that, fuck whoever came up with it.  They should've snapped that fucking thing in half to make two smaller swords and had him fight with those.  He'd still be the same insufferable chode who keeps getting dragged out of his fucking coffin in the Lifestream or wherever the fuck people go when they die to make more money for Squaresoft, but at least he could take "revolving doors" off his list of mortal enemies.  Plus he'd fit right in with Drizz't and all the other retards who think dressing in black and carrying around two swords is cool.  Like, oh, say... most of Sephiroth's fanbase.  It's funny how that works.

...and I was only going to humor him to see if he was really serious.  I have this thing where I find it very hard to write off people as being utterly irredeemable.  Which, in retrospect, was a massive lapse in judgement.  My bad.

Plus, y'know... if it was me there'd be that whole "shitting where you eat" thing.

EDIT: I'm going to guess it was Demogorgon.
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Brentai

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #462 on: December 19, 2008, 11:26:48 AM »

If you really care about it figuring it out enough, go make a machine that lets you punch through dimensions.  I'll wait.

Done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x92fV1bJMnY

Quote
They realized what their flaw was, then corrected it!  Meanwhile, SOLDIER headquarters probably spent tens of thousands of dollars re-plastering all the stonework after Sephy there tore the shit out of the walls with his gigantic masterwork bastard sword, not to mention all the people he ended up cutting in half whenever he turned around too quickly.

He carries it on his back, you know.  Just like everyone else.  It's only a little taller than him, so the worst he'll do is scrape the ground a lot.

Quote
It could be some ridiculous space-age alloy or some shit like that too; hell, say that they dunked it in a giant Makouououououou vat or maaaaaagic or something to make it lighter.

Nope!  Best part of Crisis Core was the revelation that the Buster Sword was too damn heavy to use by the person who it was specially made for.  Who was a 1st Class SOLDIER with shoulders about as wide as Cloud is tall.

Quote
...and I was only going to humor him to see if he was really serious.

He was... pretty obviously not.  There were definitely ways to tell without, you know, biting the hook.

Quote
EDIT: I'm going to guess it was Demogorgon.

It was Cassius.
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Koah

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #463 on: December 19, 2008, 11:49:56 AM »

Quote
They realized what their flaw was, then corrected it!  Meanwhile, SOLDIER headquarters probably spent tens of thousands of dollars re-plastering all the stonework after Sephy there tore the shit out of the walls with his gigantic masterwork bastard sword, not to mention all the people he ended up cutting in half whenever he turned around too quickly.

He carries it on his back, you know.  Just like everyone else.  It's only a little taller than him, so the worst he'll do is scrape the ground a lot.

Oh man, in a way that's even worse.  They'd have to knock out little furrows in the ceiling for him to stick the top of his sword through and low-hanging arches would knock him on back onto his ass if he was in any sort of hurry and forgot they were there.  Plus stairs would still be his mortal enemy.

Quote
Quote
It could be some ridiculous space-age alloy or some shit like that too; hell, say that they dunked it in a giant Makouououououou vat or maaaaaagic or something to make it lighter.

Nope!  Best part of Crisis Core was the revelation that the Buster Sword was too damn heavy to use by the person who it was specially made for.  Who was a 1st Class SOLDIER with shoulders about as wide as Cloud is tall.

New theory!  SOLDIER Requisitions Office transcends space and time with a TARDIS full of shit nobody in their right mind would use in a fight to see how many people they can get to use them.  If you can figure out how to use it effectively in a fight, congratulations!  You're probably skilled enough to save the world!  Probably!

Their magnum opus consists of a staff with three triggers, a magazine feed, a revolver drum, a sword blade on one end, a wiffle ball menacing with spikes of leather on a chain on the other end and no visible barrels.  Once they find a born master of this weapon they will embark on their plan to kill God Himself, only to get there and discover that all the Shin Megami Tensei protagonists beat them to the punch.

They also talk like Space Pirates from all those Metroid Prime "TUUUUUUUBES!!" comics.

Quote
Quote
...and I was only going to humor him to see if he was really serious.

He was... pretty obviously not.  There were definitely ways to tell without, you know, biting the hook.

Yeah, I'm really horrible at this sort of thing.  :nyoro~n:
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Saturn

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #464 on: December 19, 2008, 12:37:40 PM »


Quote
It could be some ridiculous space-age alloy or some shit like that too; hell, say that they dunked it in a giant Makouououououou vat or maaaaaagic or something to make it lighter.

Nope!  Best part of Crisis Core was the revelation that the Buster Sword was too damn heavy to use by the person who it was specially made for.  Who was a 1st Class SOLDIER with shoulders about as wide as Cloud is tall.


WHAT THE FUCK.

now i'm even happier that i didn't bother with crisis core/advent children.
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Brentai

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #465 on: December 19, 2008, 12:58:42 PM »

Oh it gets so much better.  They spend so much time talking about how deeply symbolic the Buster Sword is, how it represents Angeal/Zack's hopes and dreams, etc. etc... and all the time I'm mumbling to myself, "It's the weakest sword in Final Fantasy VII.  It only has two materia slots.  I sold the stupid thing to some anonymous merchant the moment I found a shop that carried a better one."

Actually IIRC you can't actually sell the Buster Sword, but the point remains that I never so much as considered re-equipping it once it was deprecated.
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Doom

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #466 on: December 19, 2008, 01:08:01 PM »

Quote
They spend so much time talking about how deeply symbolic the Buster Sword is, how it represents Angeal/Zack's hopes and dreams, etc. etc...

What the hell

You replace it with a Nailbat, for fuck's sake.
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Brentai

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #467 on: December 19, 2008, 01:24:53 PM »

To be fair, Cloud does suck.
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Pacobird

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #468 on: December 19, 2008, 01:48:41 PM »

Awwwww, Crisis Core is great.
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Brentai

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #469 on: December 19, 2008, 01:51:20 PM »

Sure, just not for the story.
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yyler

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #470 on: December 23, 2008, 03:10:56 AM »

I came from the future of this post to add this note to the beginning of it to say that this... thing is not actually directed at anyone, least of all Thad.

Are you saying you seriously saw his first post and thought it was legit?  I saw a post fapping off for paragraphs over FF7, complete with spelling "mako" with a "u", and I went straight for his IP to see who he really was.

...frankly I'd have guessed OHak since he's the only one who seems to be taking him seriously, but it's not.

Oh, now that's just insulting.  Since when have I ever written something that ungodly verbose about something I liked?  Especially Sephiroth, of all things, a character more known for what he looked like than what he actually did.  Say what the fuck you will about Ultimecia and her profoundly retarded "time kompression" plan, or Necron and how he had fuck-all to do with anything that happened, at all, EVER, at least people bother to remember them for what they did or didn't do.  Sephiroth?  Fuck his resume, he's a bare-chested jackass in a big black coat with less testosterone and body hair than a twelve-year-old boy and ten goddamn feet of sword.

Ten goddamn feet of sword.  In a game with cyborg gun arms, megaphones and an artillery cannon that can take out cities but is stuck with a twenty-degree cone of fire pointing at a country that couldn't start another war if they tried, and in a series that gave us the fucking gunblade and whatever the shit that basket on a stick was in FF9, this strikes me as a decision with all the sense of Pickett's Charge.  The only difference between the people who gave Sephy that waste of iron and the Confederate commanders is that the Confederates heard the plan and said, "this is the dumbest fucking thing ever."  No word on what it would be like if the roles were reversed, but somewhere there's probably a dimension where a bunch of displaced Japanese committed seppuku over a strikingly piss-poor military blunder that they thought was the greatest idea ever and pubescents on the Internet masturbate to a game where a spiky-haired douche chases after an evil Abraham Lincoln.  If you really care about it figuring it out enough, go make a machine that lets you punch through dimensions.  I'll wait.

I don't play JRPGs for the realism - shit, I just got done with one that put me up against Hitler on a UFO built by the Mayans - but sometime I just get blindsided by fridge logic when I'm busy trying to get the party to shut up about how much they miss the bland Mary Sue (I missed her too folks, mostly because my only choices for the Magic Spammer party role are Yuffie and Goddamn Cait Sith, but I'm getting over it and moving on with my life and so should you, now shut up and let me kill things) and start trying to figure shit out.  Fridge logic like "how the hell does he walk around with that thing?"  Because it's a sorry fucking state of affairs when you can fucking castrate the villain by going up a tight flight of stairs.  You see this?



This staircase could kick Sephiroth's ass.

Compare this to Daleks, who got their asses kicked by stairs but then - and get this - realized how stupid it was to not have legs on their robots, then gave their robots legs!  They realized what their flaw was, then corrected it!  Meanwhile, SOLDIER headquarters probably spent tens of thousands of dollars re-plastering all the stonework after Sephy there tore the shit out of the walls with his gigantic masterwork bastard sword, not to mention all the people he ended up cutting in half whenever he turned around too quickly.

The buster sword?  Giant fucking cricket bat, might be hollow, the thing would still hurt like hell either way.  It could be some ridiculous space-age alloy or some shit like that too; hell, say that they dunked it in a giant Makouououououou vat or maaaaaagic or something to make it lighter.  But at least you could still use a damn elevator when carrying it.  Sephiroth's sword?  Fuck no, fuck that, fuck whoever came up with it.  They should've snapped that fucking thing in half to make two smaller swords and had him fight with those.  He'd still be the same insufferable chode who keeps getting dragged out of his fucking coffin in the Lifestream or wherever the fuck people go when they die to make more money for Squaresoft, but at least he could take "revolving doors" off his list of mortal enemies.  Plus he'd fit right in with Drizz't and all the other retards who think dressing in black and carrying around two swords is cool.  Like, oh, say... most of Sephiroth's fanbase.  It's funny how that works.

...and I was only going to humor him to see if he was really serious.  I have this thing where I find it very hard to write off people as being utterly irredeemable.  Which, in retrospect, was a massive lapse in judgement.  My bad.

Plus, y'know... if it was me there'd be that whole "shitting where you eat" thing.

EDIT: I'm going to guess it was Demogorgon.
I don't think it is entirely fair to judge a character's merits based on how he is remembered by a bunch of 14 year olds on the Internet. Perhaps you should read my post again.
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Doom

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #471 on: December 23, 2008, 08:13:54 AM »

As opposed to the theory you developed when you were 14 years old.

If you missed it, we already know you are a troll. Please formulate a new theory, like maybe why Ultimecia wasn't the stupidest stupid to stupid stupid.
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PhoenixUltima

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #472 on: December 23, 2008, 08:31:25 AM »

Please formulate a new theory, like maybe why Ultimecia wasn't the stupidest stupid to stupid stupid.

Anyone who hates Squall and his gang of dipshits can't be all bad.
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Brentai

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #473 on: December 23, 2008, 08:53:54 AM »

She didn't even acknowledge them until they came and stuck a Gunblade up her arse.
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Cthulhu-chan

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #474 on: December 23, 2008, 10:00:00 AM »

She had her eyes on the prize, whatever the fuck it was. :wat:
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Ted Belmont

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #475 on: December 23, 2008, 10:29:24 AM »

You know who was a great villain? Cecil. Fucker burned down a whole summoner village for no reason.

Then he got all repenty.  :disapprove:
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Brentai

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #476 on: December 23, 2008, 10:32:04 AM »

Ritzia is the best villain ever.

Nobody suspected a thing.

Even after she already did it.
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Koah

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #477 on: December 23, 2008, 10:33:40 AM »

She had her eyes on the prize, whatever the fuck it was. :wat:

Time kompression, man.  Time kompression.  Every moment in time happens at the same time.  You know how libraries charge you for overdue books?  If time was kompressed, the time you took the book out would be the same exact time that it would be fifty years overdue.  You wouldn't even get to read it and you'd be paying hundreds of dollars in late fees.  Milk would spoil after being left out too long the moment you poured it into the glass.  Your TiVo would be impossible to set properly!  History classes would have to cover an infinite amount of history and would end up getting kompressed into an infinite length of time, forcing you to sit there and listen to your professor forever!

Insidious!

I don't think it is entirely fair to judge a character's merits based on how he is remembered by a bunch of 14 year olds on the Internet.

I disagree! :whoops:  My summary is much better, anyway; I think anyone here would agree, and I'm not just saying that because I'm fishing for compliments!
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Brentai

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #478 on: December 23, 2008, 10:35:41 AM »

I think the idea was that she would get to rule everything ever, literally, but without that inevitably tiresome immortality business.
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Envy

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Re: Final Fucking Fantasy
« Reply #479 on: December 23, 2008, 10:37:15 AM »

You know who was a great villain? Cecil. Fucker burned down a whole summoner village for no reason.

Then he got all repenty.  :disapprove:
Technically he did not know he was going to burn down a whole village if memory serves right. He was just given a ring that him and kain were supposed to take when the ring came to life. He however killed the mothers summon which killed her though.
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