I came from the future of this post to add this note to the beginning of it to say that this... thing is not actually directed at anyone, least of all Thad.
Are you saying you seriously saw his first post and thought it was legit? I saw a post fapping off for paragraphs over FF7, complete with spelling "mako" with a "u", and I went straight for his IP to see who he really was.
...frankly I'd have guessed OHak since he's the only one who seems to be taking him seriously, but it's not.
Oh, now that's just insulting. Since when have I ever written something that ungodly verbose about something I
liked? Especially
Sephiroth, of all things, a character more known for what he looked like than what he actually did. Say what the fuck you will about Ultimecia and her
profoundly retarded "time kompression" plan, or Necron and how he had fuck-all to do with anything that happened, at all,
EVER, at least people bother to remember them for what they did or didn't do. Sephiroth? Fuck his resume, he's a bare-chested jackass in a big black coat with less testosterone and body hair than a twelve-year-old boy and ten goddamn feet of sword.
Ten goddamn feet of sword. In a game with cyborg gun arms, megaphones and an artillery cannon that can take out cities but is stuck with a twenty-degree cone of fire pointing at a country that couldn't start another war if they tried, and in a series that gave us the fucking
gunblade and whatever the shit that basket on a stick was in FF9, this strikes me as a decision with all the sense of Pickett's Charge. The only difference between the people who gave Sephy that waste of iron and the Confederate commanders is that the Confederates heard the plan and said, "this is the dumbest fucking thing ever." No word on what it would be like if the roles were reversed, but somewhere there's probably a dimension where a bunch of displaced Japanese committed seppuku over a strikingly piss-poor military blunder that they thought was the greatest idea ever and pubescents on the Internet masturbate to a game where a spiky-haired douche chases after an evil Abraham Lincoln. If you really care about it figuring it out enough, go make a machine that lets you punch through dimensions. I'll wait.
I don't play JRPGs for the realism - shit, I just got done with one that put me up against Hitler on a UFO built by the Mayans - but sometime I just get blindsided by fridge logic when I'm busy trying to get the party to shut up about how much they miss the bland Mary Sue (I missed her too folks, mostly because my only choices for the Magic Spammer party role are Yuffie and Goddamn
Cait Sith, but I'm getting over it and moving on with my life and so should you, now shut up and let me kill things) and start trying to figure shit out. Fridge logic like "how the hell does he walk around with that thing?" Because it's a sorry fucking state of affairs when you can fucking
castrate the villain by going up a tight flight of stairs. You see this?
This staircase could kick Sephiroth's ass.
Compare this to Daleks, who got their asses kicked by stairs but then - and get this -
realized how stupid it was to not have legs on their robots, then gave their robots legs! They realized what their flaw was, then corrected it! Meanwhile, SOLDIER headquarters probably spent tens of thousands of dollars re-plastering all the stonework after Sephy there tore the shit out of the walls with his gigantic masterwork bastard sword, not to mention all the people he ended up cutting in half whenever he turned around too quickly.
The buster sword? Giant fucking cricket bat, might be hollow, the thing would still hurt like hell either way. It could be some ridiculous space-age alloy or some shit like that too; hell, say that they dunked it in a giant Makouououououou vat or
maaaaaagic or something to make it lighter. But at least you could still use a damn elevator when carrying it. Sephiroth's sword? Fuck no, fuck that, fuck whoever came up with it. They should've snapped that fucking thing in half to make two smaller swords and had him fight with those. He'd still be the same insufferable chode who keeps getting dragged out of his fucking coffin in the Lifestream or wherever the fuck people go when they die to make more money for Squaresoft, but at least he could take "revolving doors" off his list of mortal enemies. Plus he'd fit right in with Drizz't and all the other retards who think dressing in black and carrying around two swords is cool. Like, oh, say... most of Sephiroth's fanbase. It's funny how that works.
...and I was only going to humor him to see if he was really serious. I have this thing where I find it very hard to write off people as being utterly irredeemable. Which, in retrospect, was a massive lapse in judgement. My bad.
Plus, y'know... if it was me there'd be that whole "shitting where you eat" thing.
EDIT: I'm going to guess it was Demogorgon.
