3. AIR THROW PILEDRIVER
Mean Mister Eagle's Screaming Super Velocity Burning Rage Spinning Skydiver Attack was the most feared attack in the forest, and it had been the most feared attack since 1067, when Mean Mister Eagle, Sr, invented it during the great War of the Magi to defeat an entire legion of Space Pirates during the battle of Fluffy Kittens.
The attack involved over thirteen hundred precise movements all coordinated with an unquenchable thirst for blood and an unshakable determination strengthened by an unwavering resolve for glory. Only two living beings have ever used it and lived, the rest all exploding on impact. Superfly Falcon used it once as a desperation attack in 1234, against his opponent Snakebear With a Rocket Launcher, but did not survive the ensuing explosion. His epitaph read "Totally worth it." The Screaming Super Velocity Burning Rage Spinning Skydiver Attack must be used carefully, because the very act of using it tears the very fabric of subspace, preventing Warp Drive from ever being used there again. In addition, the tax it extolls on the soul of the user is said to be the second most taxing of all taxes, only trailing behind actually becoming an IRS agent.
In short, the Screaming Super Velocity Burning Rage Spinning Skydiver Attack is basically the most bad ass motherfucking move you could possibly imagine. The very sky darkens as particles of hyper plasma are expelled into the air, babies shiver and die in their cribs, women scream and begin weeping for no discernible reason, and extremely tough men shed a single tear.
Mean Mister Eagle, Sr, did not pass this technique on to his son. Mean Mister Eagle, Jr, the eagle now rending space and time at over 500 mph on a direct collision course toward you, stole it from his father by using a superior technique, The Soul Stealing Screaming Super Velocity Burning Rage Spinning Skydiver Attack XL2000, which is what he is actually using now.
The very air is aflame. Trees burst into nothingness as their constituent parts are obliterated completely from this universe. The heat is so intense that you are not entirely sure that even you could hold it in your mouth without maybe burning your tongue.
You leap.
You grab.
Mean Mister Eagle is piledrived.
"Man, fuck that shit," Eagle says. "The priority in this fucking story is broken as shit. Some basic fucking airthrow mashed out by some scrubby puppy beats MY super!? This is some gay shit. I'm quitting CPE and going to play BlazBlue."
And with that, Eagle disconnected and went to whine on the CPE forums.
(Most of the threads there are just Rabbit complaining about basically every topic imaginable, and Weasel trolling him. Former Gangbanger Kitten also has a Thug-Life thread for young kittens in need of scaring straight.)
You're still at 49% votes. Hmm. Have to find some more animals to piledrive.
But just then --
"Time's up, Puppy," says Rabbit.
"No way! I still have until sundown!" you bark.
"Nope. I changed the law," Rabbit says, smiling.
"You can't just change the law!"
"Of course I can. I'm the Mayor." Rabbit says smugly, motioning to his monocle and tophat.
"This is bullshit, you say, looking around.
"No, this is politics," Rabbit retorts.
"Pssst!" says a voice from behind you. You whirl and see Rainbow flopping around on the pine needles. "Challenge him to a debate!"
"But I don't want to give him any money back!" you say.
"What?" says Rainbow.
"What?" you say.
"What do you mean you don't want to --"
"What?"
"What does money have to do with--"
"What?"
"Oh, REbate. You thought I said REbate. No, puppy. DEbate. A debate. Like, an argument."
"What?"
"Puppy."
"What?"
"Stop saying what."
"What?"
"Stop SAYING WHAT!"
"Why?"
"Because -- listen. Just challenge Rabbit to a debate. He's arrogant and smug and he can't turn down a chance to --"
"No no, I promised I'd reduce greenhouse emissions by 14%," you say.
"... what?"
"No shhhhhh! You're not allowed to say that!"
"No YOU'RE not allowed -- listen. Not smog, SMUG! He can't refuse a chance to --"
"Wait wait hold on. I think we have a bad connection."
"What?"
"SHHH!"
"Puppy, what on earth --"
"I can't hear you, Rainbow! You're breaking up!"
"PUPPY I AM FLOPPING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WE ARE NOT ON THE PHONE."
"Hello? Hello?"
"Yeh?"
"Helo?"
"HmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMM"
"Wait I lost track of who was talking."
"Is this my dialog or yours?"
"Mine, I think."
"Oh. Right. Ok. So this is your dialog."
"No, this is yours."
"Wait, what?"
"SHHH!"
"THIS IS A STUPID JOKE," Rabbit said, shooting the both of you.
"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A REBATE!" you bark.
Rainbow slaps his head with a fin.
**************************
You wake up in a prison cell. Rainbow is nowhere to be found. Items here:
Old Rat Bone
Locked Cell Door
Rusty Bars
Rat Hole that is just a bit too small for you to fit through but maybe if you backed up?
Exits are North, East, and Dennis.
****************************
1. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.
2. Get rat bone, pick lock, out, east, north, sneak by sleeping guard, steal keys from guard, up, west, get coin, south, open door, get candle, get lantern, get rope, get sword, out, south, south, kill Giant Cancerous Rat with sword, north, give coin to Troll, north, use rope to scale cliff, light candle, east, enter pub, order a pint, get drunk, the cheetohs are right next to you, pass out, fly a plane into the sun like a boss, reincarnate as Squirrel Ninja, use ninjitsu on Solid Snake, south, down, LIGHT LANTERN BITCH, get gem, use gem to bodyswap back to puppy, north, east, north, west, sing a merry song to elf, north, chase rabbit, steal top hat, steal monocle, become Mayor of Forest.
3. Dennis
Poll
3 (42.9%)
Author
Topic: The Adventures of CPE (The Cutest Puppy EVER) (Read 20498 times)