4. Take GIANT ENEMY CRAB, because GIANT ENEMY CRAB.
After careful consideration, you select GIANT ENEMY CRAB to be your team mate.
"Fine," spits Weasel. "I'll just go offer my services to someone who can appreciate a bloke with my skills."
"Fine," spits Yoruichi. "I'll just go show Ichigo my vagina some more."
Everyone else wanders off.
You assign GIANT ENEMY CRAB to be goalie. He takes up your entire side of the field. The bullies look on nervously, but CPE doesn't seem to be bothered.
The little girl passes you the ball. The game is on!
You immediately use your powerful hind legs to kick the ball at 300mph and score a goal. CPE is off on the sidelines, sniffing a patch of butterflies.
The bullies regroup and use a coordinated soccer team assault! GIANT ENEMY CRAB easily blocks it without even paying attention because his bulk completely blocks your side of the field.
Crab passes to you. You dribble down the field, blasting any bully who gets near you. When you get to their goalie, you vaporize him and score again.
"2-0!" you say, taunting CPE. "You're already losing, you slack-jawed vertebrae!"
CPE pounces on a grasshopper.
The bullies, now lacking a goalie, attempt to use their boyish good looks to get past GIANT ENEMY CRAB, who melts another three of them with an acid blast from his pincer.
You slide tackle the bully with the ball, steal it, and hastily weave your way down the field again. A bully dives in front of you, but you do a flip over him and kick the ball in mid-air into the goal.
"3-0!" you scream, just as the halftime buzzer rings.
You retire to your side of the field.
The little girl is squealing happily and jumping up and down. "Oh, thank you so much, silly Rabbit! Now we'll get to use the field again! I just love you so much!" she says, kissing your nose.
You stun her into unconsciousness.
Just then, GIANT ENEMY CRAB's weak point starts flashing.
"Oh, shit," you say.
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