"So you see," said Thad, "we need your help."
"Aren't you the guy who punched me in the face a couple of months ago?" asked Bill Gates.
"Yeah," said Thad. "Because of DriveSpace."
"Oh," said Bill Gates. "Yeah, fair enough."
Then, suddenly, there was a loud "ZZT" sound and his body convulsed. "I mean, WHAT?!" he interrobanged. "DriveSpace is the single greatest accomplishment in the history of man! Like all Microsoft products!"
"How's your Zune holding up, Bill?" Thad asked.
"Wait!" said Bill Gates. "Did you say Girard?"
"Yes," said Thad. "Well, actually, this chapter started with me saying 'So you see, we need your help,' but it seems like I would have had to bring Girard up sometime prior to that, seeing as he is in fact the reason we need your help."
A faraway, dreamy look appeared in Bill Gates's eyes.
Sometimes, Bill Gates had flashbacks...
----------------------------------------
"Hey, it's a fucking frog!" said Dr. Billy, "Let's eat it!"
--ZZT--
Around this time the GI Joe strike team burst into Dr. Billy's office, to find
him and Girard preforming obscene sex acts with a dead frog that looked like
a greek symbol.
"Holy fuck!" said Sargent Slaughter, "I haven't seen anything like this since
I had that ten-cent hooker back in 'Nam!" He promptly passed out, dreaming
warm dreams of the flaming jungle and smoking pot with Bong Man.
"Jesus Christ," said Snow Job, "They haven't even noticed us. Let' sjust
shoot Dr. Billy and get the homoeroic boy for ourselves."
"Good idea," the unconcious Sgt. Slaughter said in his dream, "Because
that means Steve can stop writing this shit and go back to sliming Brentai."
----------------------------------------
Thad was snapping his fingers, loudly, directly in front of Bill Gates's face.
"Wait," said Bill Gates. "If we didn't notice them, how am I having a flashback to what they were saying?"
Thad snapped harder. Bill Gates glared at him, as if he had been awoken from the most wonderful dream.
----------------------------------------
"ENOUGH OF THIS!" shouted Girard. "I, GIRARD, WILL KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!"
He then shouted his famous catchphrase:
"Really?" said a voice. "It makes me so happy to hear you say that."
(NOTE: I tried to make a convincing Bill Gates in the CoH character editor, but could not. Pretend there is a picture of one here. - T)
"Bill Gates?"
"Girard?"
"BILL GATES!"
"GIRARD!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWj7kjAVL5I"...Hm," said X.
"Penny for your thoughts?" said Kate.
"Yeah, I thought you might say that," said Kate.
----------------------------------------
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Janey groaned and rolled over. What time was it? Goddamn Jenova's Witnesses.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
She opened her eyes and stared blearily at the clock. 10 AM. She was trying to sleep in -- it was the weekend, and she was still recovering from Mr. Shithead the Shithead's New Year's party.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
Janey stumbled out of bed and stomped to the door in her footy pajamas. "Goddamn fuckin'...this had better be important..." she croaked.
She opened the door, and there stood a man in a black suit with a black shirt and a black tie, a bushy black mustache streaked with silver, piercing black eyes, bushy black eyebrows also streaked with silver, and a black fedora.
"Good morning, Ms. Blackburn," he said.
"Whatever it is -- " Janey cleared her throat, "whatever it is you're selling, I'm not interested."
"Oh, you'll be interested in THIS," said the man. With a flick of his wrist, a shiny TV remote came out of his sleeve and landed in his hand; he pointed it at Janey's TV and turned it on.
"They have news at 10 AM on Saturday?" Janey asked.
"...and Keystone City's most inept terrorist has struck again," said the announcer. The picture cut to the same would-be arsonist from before being hustled out of a building.
"You FOOOOOOOOLS!" he shouted. "She must be destroyed! This is her home! I have found it, for REAL this time! This is where she lives!"
"Sir," said the police officer wrangling the suspect, "nobody lives here. This is a post office."
"LIES!" shouted the disheveled man. "I intercepted a letter addressed to her -- at this address!"
"Again, Sir," said the police officer, "this is a post office. And do you remember that part where I told you you have the right to remain silent?"
The picture cut back to the newscaster. "Local law enforcement is still investigating the suspect's ties to an Idaho metal band; however, they believe this may be a dead end, as he, quote, 'does not look Australian.'"
The man in the fedora turned the TV off.
"God damn that guy is annoying," said Janey.
"How do you think he learned your secret?" asked the man in the fedora. "And who do you think sent him after you?"
"How the hell do YOU know my secret?" Janey countered. "And who sent YOU after me?"
"Aha, worthy questions," said the man. "You are learning."
"Yes," said Janey. "That's why I'm in a doctoral program."
"Those studies can wait," the man responded. "Return to Keystone with me. I will help you get to the bottom of this."
"Not really interested," Janey responded. "The semester's just about to start, and anyway that guy's obviously no danger to anyone. I'll keep watching TV and if anything requires my immediate attention I'll follow it up."
"You...don't want to go with me?"
"An emphatic no."
"Damn your fancy book-learning, woman! Do you not think unraveling this case will lead to a deeper knowledge in your field of study?"
"Hm, studying the occult in the most prestigious doctoral program in the nation, or following around some dumbass with a lighter on a stick who thinks I live at the post office? Well since you put it like THAT..."
"Embrace your destiny, Ms. Blackburn!"
"I make my own destiny, Mr...you haven't even told me your name."
"I have no name!" the man exclaimed dramatically. He had quite clearly been waiting for this cue. "I am merely...
his death."
Janey blinked.
Janey yawned, and then blinked again, and then cocked an eyebrow.
"Well?" the man said, expectantly.
"What?" asked Janey.
"Aren't you going to ask me,
whose death?"
"No," said Janey, and shut the door in his face.
"Man," said Janey, "fuck that guy."