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[Thad]

Just the LotR bit?  Because I quite liked the Ninja Turtles part and Frog speaking in iambic pentameter.

[Kazz]

Gok Tinnik held the still-beating heart of Beelzebub high overhead.  It trembled and quivered in a small paper basket.

"Buck ninety-nine!  Great with mustard!"

[Thad]

"I'll take two," said the man who had just stepped out of a black sedan.  He had a black suit with a black shirt and a black tie, a bushy black mustache streaked with silver, piercing black eyes, bushy black eyebrows also streaked with silver, and a black fedora.  He handed Gok a Lincoln and said, "Keep the change."

"Pleasure doing business," said Gok.  "New in town?"

"Visiting," said the man.  "I have some business to attend to."

"Jesus Christ," said Gok.  "All right, I have a question: where the HELL were you when I was trying to run a film noir detective business?  I mean, shit.  I spend years, YEARS of my life doing boring missing person cases, then get whisked off to an alien universe -- okay, little bit of fry cookery, little bit of whoring -- come back, finally decide the whole private eye thing's not for me, start a new business -- and when I'm well into this new enterprise, then, THEN this walking fucking film noir cliche walks up to me looking funny and being extremely cryptic."

The man shrugged.  "You speak like the detective business and the demon parts business are mutually exclusive," he responded.  "Maybe they're BOTH part of your destiny.  Maybe you should have spent less time on Bogart movies and more time on Kirby comics.  Your uncle said something about that, didn't he?"

The man took a bite of a Beelzebub heart.  Blood dribbled down his chin; he dabbed at it with a blood-red handkerchief.  Gok widened and then narrowed his eyes.

"Come with me, Mr. Tinnik," said the man.  "I have some interesting things to show you."

Gok pondered for a moment, and then reached a decision.

"No.  No, thank you, but fuck you, fuck whoever it is you represent, and fuck my uncle too.  I'm tired of being strung along.  Things are looking pretty promising with this little roadside business of mine, so kindly fuck off.  But please, do feel free to come again if you want more Beelzebub hearts."

The man nodded.  "So be it," he said, and sauntered back to his black sedan.  "Driver," he said theatrically, "Miskatonic University, please."  He got into the car and closed the door.

"Man," said Gok, "fuck that guy."

[McDohl]

The Circle of Jerks were running down the streets of Talos Island, triangle jumping off of building ledges to get a little extra altitude boost.  Inazuma Blast, having taken the flight pool, soared over it all.

Captain Concussion was humming the Tick theme, and he hoped to God that it was stuck in everyone else's head now.

Male Man looked at Concussion.  "Dude, would you stop humming that?  It's stuck in my head now."

Girard's trail was not difficult to follow, as the trail of immolated domesticated animals was visible even from Inazuma Blast's altitude.

--------------------------

Adam pondered, as an aside.  "What would it be like if humans had the ability to fly like that?  Wouldn't the FAA get pissed off?

--------------------------

The trail eventually came to the entrance of a sewer, which lead down to the hidden city of Oranbega, the stronghold of the Circle of Thorns.  Inazuma Blast landed next to the rest of the group.  "So, what do you think?"

Tiny Activist pondered.  "Well, the thing is that he's obviously cheating.  Nobody, not even an Invulerability/Super Strength Tanker with Unstoppable on could have over a million HP."

Lost RO Knight inspected his sword.  "Then what do you suggest?"

A voice came up from around the corner of the nearby building.  "Well, there is ONE way..."

The owner of the voice and her companions came out from behind the building.  "But we need Bill Gates for it to work," X said.

[Thad]

"So you see," said Thad, "we need your help."

"Aren't you the guy who punched me in the face a couple of months ago?" asked Bill Gates.

"Yeah," said Thad.  "Because of DriveSpace."

"Oh," said Bill Gates.  "Yeah, fair enough."

Then, suddenly, there was a loud "ZZT" sound and his body convulsed.  "I mean, WHAT?!" he interrobanged.  "DriveSpace is the single greatest accomplishment in the history of man!  Like all Microsoft products!"

"How's your Zune holding up, Bill?" Thad asked.

"Wait!" said Bill Gates.  "Did you say Girard?"

"Yes," said Thad.  "Well, actually, this chapter started with me saying 'So you see, we need your help,' but it seems like I would have had to bring Girard up sometime prior to that, seeing as he is in fact the reason we need your help."

A faraway, dreamy look appeared in Bill Gates's eyes.

Sometimes, Bill Gates had flashbacks...

----------------------------------------

"Hey, it's a fucking frog!" said Dr. Billy, "Let's eat it!"

--ZZT--

Around this time the GI Joe strike team burst into Dr. Billy's office, to find
him and Girard preforming obscene sex acts with a dead frog that looked like
a greek symbol.

"Holy fuck!" said Sargent Slaughter, "I haven't seen anything like this since
I had that ten-cent hooker back in 'Nam!"  He promptly passed out, dreaming
warm dreams of the flaming jungle and smoking pot with Bong Man.

"Jesus Christ," said Snow Job, "They haven't even noticed us.  Let' sjust
shoot Dr. Billy and get the homoeroic boy for ourselves."

"Good idea," the unconcious Sgt. Slaughter said in his dream, "Because
that means Steve can stop writing this shit and go back to sliming Brentai."

----------------------------------------

Thad was snapping his fingers, loudly, directly in front of Bill Gates's face.

"Wait," said Bill Gates.  "If we didn't notice them, how am I having a flashback to what they were saying?"

Thad snapped harder.  Bill Gates glared at him, as if he had been awoken from the most wonderful dream.

----------------------------------------

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" shouted Girard.  "I, GIRARD, WILL KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!"

He then shouted his famous catchphrase:


"Really?" said a voice.  "It makes me so happy to hear you say that."

(NOTE: I tried to make a convincing Bill Gates in the CoH character editor, but could not.  Pretend there is a picture of one here. - T)

"Bill Gates?"

"Girard?"

"BILL GATES!"

"GIRARD!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWj7kjAVL5I

"...Hm," said X.

"Penny for your thoughts?" said Kate.



"Yeah, I thought you might say that," said Kate.

----------------------------------------

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Janey groaned and rolled over.  What time was it?  Goddamn Jenova's Witnesses.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

She opened her eyes and stared blearily at the clock.  10 AM.  She was trying to sleep in -- it was the weekend, and she was still recovering from Mr. Shithead the Shithead's New Year's party.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Janey stumbled out of bed and stomped to the door in her footy pajamas.  "Goddamn fuckin'...this had better be important..." she croaked.

She opened the door, and there stood a man in a black suit with a black shirt and a black tie, a bushy black mustache streaked with silver, piercing black eyes, bushy black eyebrows also streaked with silver, and a black fedora.

"Good morning, Ms. Blackburn," he said.

"Whatever it is -- " Janey cleared her throat, "whatever it is you're selling, I'm not interested."

"Oh, you'll be interested in THIS," said the man.  With a flick of his wrist, a shiny TV remote came out of his sleeve and landed in his hand; he pointed it at Janey's TV and turned it on.

"They have news at 10 AM on Saturday?" Janey asked.

"...and Keystone City's most inept terrorist has struck again," said the announcer.  The picture cut to the same would-be arsonist from before being hustled out of a building.

"You FOOOOOOOOLS!" he shouted.  "She must be destroyed!  This is her home!  I have found it, for REAL this time!  This is where she lives!"

"Sir," said the police officer wrangling the suspect, "nobody lives here.  This is a post office."

"LIES!" shouted the disheveled man.  "I intercepted a letter addressed to her -- at this address!"

"Again, Sir," said the police officer, "this is a post office.  And do you remember that part where I told you you have the right to remain silent?"

The picture cut back to the newscaster.  "Local law enforcement is still investigating the suspect's ties to an Idaho metal band; however, they believe this may be a dead end, as he, quote, 'does not look Australian.'"

The man in the fedora turned the TV off.

"God damn that guy is annoying," said Janey.

"How do you think he learned your secret?" asked the man in the fedora.  "And who do you think sent him after you?"

"How the hell do YOU know my secret?" Janey countered.  "And who sent YOU after me?"

"Aha, worthy questions," said the man.  "You are learning."

"Yes," said Janey.  "That's why I'm in a doctoral program."

"Those studies can wait," the man responded.  "Return to Keystone with me.  I will help you get to the bottom of this."

"Not really interested," Janey responded.  "The semester's just about to start, and anyway that guy's obviously no danger to anyone.  I'll keep watching TV and if anything requires my immediate attention I'll follow it up."

"You...don't want to go with me?"

"An emphatic no."

"Damn your fancy book-learning, woman!  Do you not think unraveling this case will lead to a deeper knowledge in your field of study?"

"Hm, studying the occult in the most prestigious doctoral program in the nation, or following around some dumbass with a lighter on a stick who thinks I live at the post office?  Well since you put it like THAT..."

"Embrace your destiny, Ms. Blackburn!"

"I make my own destiny, Mr...you haven't even told me your name."

"I have no name!" the man exclaimed dramatically.  He had quite clearly been waiting for this cue.  "I am merely...his death."

Janey blinked.

Janey yawned, and then blinked again, and then cocked an eyebrow.

"Well?" the man said, expectantly.

"What?" asked Janey.

"Aren't you going to ask me, whose death?"

"No," said Janey, and shut the door in his face.

"Man," said Janey, "fuck that guy."

[McDohl]

Thirty-seven Guildenstern corpses were laid up in a messy pile, and Thad was out of ammo.  Eventually, the two agreed on a truce and went back to drinking their livers out.  Adam had returned from his booze run and sat in the corner of the room, nursing his own bottle of tequila angrily.  Brent realized that it was Inauguration Day and turned the television on.

"--am not the second coming of Christ, and the world in general is pretty much in the shitter.  However, now is not the time for us to be feeling sorry for ourselves and licking our wounds.  That was just after that bullshit happened.  This is a new year, and it's time for us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.  Word."

Thunderous applause.

Thad immediately began singing Eye of the Tiger.

"Hey, that's my job," Brent quipped.

Thad ignored him.

---

"Can I come in?"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE," Janey shouted through the plate-glass window.

Janey paced around her apartment, trying to decide what to do about this insane guy trying to bother her about Girard.

It began to rain outside.

It was magic rain, so of course, the man vanished.

Janey looked outside at the magic rain and swore, then turned back to her tome of infernal beings.

The pages began to glow, and the plate glass window shattered, allowing the magic rain inside.  The rain reacted with the book, and a large ring opened up and sucked Janey, her house, and everything else in the immediate vicinity, including a very perturbed-looking hawk.  It cawed as it was drawn in to the vortex.

---

The Circle of Jerks, Kate, Billy, Kelly, X, and whoever else was with them rounded the last corner before coming to a very large open-caverned room in the underground city of Oranbega, stronghold of the Circle of Thorns beneath Paragon City.  Lost RO Knight mused that with all the Oranbegan ruins, Crey Labs, mines, and giant-ass caverns beneath the city, why hasn't the entire city just fallen in to one huge-ass sinkhole?

This was too fourth-wall breaking for the pair of lesbian catgirl communists (that also were vampires) cybering nearby, and they told Lost RO Knight very loudly and annoyingly that he was officially shunned by the 8th-most influential Roleplaying Supergroup in Paragon City.

Lost RO Knight had done his good deed for the day.

This loud protesting of fourth-wall breaking, however, caused Girard to become starkly aware of our heroes' presence, and he attacked!

The ensuing battle was epic.  However, the result was much more the same as the previous encounters: they had barely been able to make a dent in Girard's defenses.

Girard cackled.  "You're a bunch of smelly, ugly, dumby-dumb poopy heads, and I, GIRARD, will KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!"

"I love it when you say that."  Said Dr. Billy, coming around the corner finally.

"Dr. Billy!"

"Girard!"

"Dr. Billy!"

"Girard!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWj7kjAVL5I

Captain Concussion put his fists on his hips.  "Once again, the day was saved, thanks to the Cir--"

X shouted.  "Not thanks to you!  You just stood around spouting silly injokes about riding buffaloes and cat eggs or some such nonsense.  Of course, it's much better than having the Holy Trinity around, where they just spend their crime-fighting time having sex with clowns, but that's another story for another day!  Girard has been defeated, and thus the scourge of Girard has been ended..."

Kate shook her head.  "Uh...no."  She was looking at her dimensional map, where another dimension had caught fire.

"Solace is burning..."

[Guild]

"...Why don't we just douse the map in some water?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "If it were that simple, don't you think I'd have gone home by now?"

"Where's home?"

"That's none of your business."

"Seriously, just try it." X pointed to a bucket of water Lucca had been kind enough to leave behind. Or had she said something about it being a portal? X couldn't be bothered to remember.

"It's not the fire on the map that's causing the fires... oh goddamn it. Whatever." Kate walked over to the bucket and dunked the map.

Abruptly, the omniverse was full of water.

"Where did you say you got that map?" X watched a fish swim past and bonked it on the head, releasing a penguin.

"Er... " Kate pulled the map out and shook it dry, flipping it over to check. "Property of Washu."

"Who the hell is Washu?"

An evil cackle suddenly filled the room.

****************************************************************

Tenchi ripped the Sword of Jurai through another space daemon, a sticky black resin coating his Galaxy Police uniform. "Too many... there's too damn many of them!"

"Never give up!" Mihoshi blasted another one in half with her standard issue matter inverter, unmaking the particles that composed the trans-reality monsters. "Hyaa! Ha! Haiiii-ya!!"

"You don't have to use breathing techniques when firing a gun, idiot!" Kiyone stood back-to-back with her partner, firing steadily from the hips.

Just then, Kate and X arrived. Washu held a very disgruntled X by an ear, and Kate also looked more than a little upset at being forcibly recruited to help with such a minor emergency as dimension-eating daemons.

"Can't this dimension handle its own problems?"

"We were doing fine until you soaked my wormhole machine with water, idiot." Washu pointed at the daemon nest. "Get to work."