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[Kazz]

JETPACK
replaces engineer's shotgun

you move at extreme speed and the jump button thrusts you high into the air.
this allows you to set up turrets in very silly places.
however, if you are shot once or twice while this is equipped, you explode.  this explosion can hurt teammates.

[Kazz]

LASER
replaces pistol

you can fire this once every 30 seconds or so.  a high-damage laser beam with slight inaccuracy.  it does about 100 damage to the body, instant kill if you hit someone in the head.

[Kazz]

FARTING WRENCH
replaces engineer's wrench

slightly worse repair/upgrade rate
but it makes a loud fart noise every time you whack with it
if you kill an enemy with it, you release a fart cloud
any enemy who enters the fart cloud goes into "fleeing" mode for 60 seconds

[Kazz]

IRON MAN
replaces turret

this is a turret that walks around and hunts enemies.  it can not be killed, although sometimes it laments its inhuman nature and longs for oblivion.

[Kazz]

MR. COFFEE
replaces dispenser

instead of healing a teammate, it gives them double speed and mini-crits for 15 seconds.  however then that teammate has to find a private place to pee

[Kazz]

DAS POLTERGEISTER
replaces teleporter

turns a teammate into an invisible ghost for 30 seconds.  that teammate can pop back into reality by firing his weapon.  if the teammate is hit by a weapon while in ghost form he is trapped in ghost world for eternity.

[Catloaf]

Alternate Dispenser#1:
Refills Health/Ammo very slowly if at all, but gives mini-crits and -10% damage to team members standing within a certain radius which expands when it's leveled up.
It takes much less damage from sappers, but it's effects are reversed while being sapped.

Alternate Dispenser #2:
Doesn't refill anything, but instead when shot at by team member, takes a portion of their current ammo and gives them a single guaranteed crit.

Alternate Sapper:
Does no damage, but switches which team the building is on if not destroyed quickly enough.

Alternate Engineer Shotgun:
Slower, less spread, same amount of damage per particle.
Fires scrap metal rather than having it's own ammo supply,
Fixes but does not upgrade friendly buildings from a relative distance.

Alternate Turret (Lazer canon):
Shoots a beam that does a fuckton of damage, and goes through targets.
Cannot turn while firing
Must recharge between shots
Charge time, beam width, and (to a lesser extent) damage modified with upgrade level.

[Catloaf]

DAS POLTERGEISTER
replaces teleporter

turns a teammate into an invisible ghost for 30 seconds.  that teammate can pop back into reality by firing his weapon.  if the teammate is hit by a weapon while in ghost form he is knocked back into reality.  If DAS POLTERGEISTER is destroyed, teammates currently in ghost form  are trapped in ghost world for eternity.

[Zaratustra]

NAKED ENGINEER

his penis has a little helmet and goggles

[Mongrel]

Pictures exist of topless Engineer.

[Catloaf]

MRE: Usable by Soldier, Heavy, and Spy.  Use is slightly different for each.

Spy Version--Pack of 'charms' candy.  Replaces Sapper, 7 held at a time, can be placed on both buildings and enemies.  Greatly increases hit-box size (especially the head hit-box) of target and pulls non-hit-scan projectiles slightly toward the victim.  Also reduces efficiency of buildings it's placed on.  Unfortunately, has the drawback of doing the same to the spy with it equipped to some degree while still in spy's possession.

Heavy Version--looks like slightly-off sandvich, only heals 10hp to heavy, but does 50 damage and slows down enemy that picks it up when it's tossed for 15 seconds.

Soldier Version--Tomato Soup (he actually likes it).  Basically a sandvich for the soldier.  Can throw can at enemy after use for minor damage.

[Kazz]

THE WELLEPORTER
replaced teleporter

transports a teammate to the TFC version of ctf_well, which was awesome

[Beat Bandit]

The Ding-A-Ling
main weapon for sniper

Doesn't charge, does half-charge damage, twice the firing speed. Headshots are mini-crits, crotch shots are stuns.

[Lottel]

Make it a bow and arrow with a boxing glove on the end and I am sold!

[McDohl]

And custom animations of them stumbling around while grabbing their groins with big "OW!" bubble over their head.

[Mongrel]

OMG this would be the best weapon ever.

[Catloaf]

Make it a crossbow with a boxing glove on the end and I am sold!

Visual variety makes everything better.  Also, that allows it to have a zoom.

[Bongo Bill]

Alternate Spy Watch: some kind of high-precision digital timepiece, named after some pun on synchronization. Instead of turning the user invisible, turns one ally invisible, for seven or eight seconds. Any action dispels the cloak, possibly excepting detonating stickies; if the action requires a warmup, such as a Heavy spinning up, the warmup can happen during the decloak. Once the ally uses the cloak, the Spy's cloak meter is drained fully, and it cannot be refilled until the ally is visible once more. The cloak provides no damage reduction, and it ripples when the ally is shot.

Alternate Spy Watch: Alarming Clock. Not really serious about this, just wanted to use the name. Charges more slowly than the default watch. Makes a horribly loud noise while active, disabling the cloaks and disguises of all enemy Spies within approximately Buff Banner range, as well as disrupting the cloak and disguise of the user. In appearance it is an egg timer duct-taped to the Spy's wrist.

Sentry replacement: laser tether. Has a big dish or radome on it. Once deployed, the building projects a laser beam in a straight line to the Engineer it belongs to, though it is stopped by walls. Any enemy intersecting the beam takes damage; the farther the Engineer is from the building (that is, the longer the beam), the more damage it does. Unlimited range. While sapped, it changes teams, with the tether instead tracking the Spy who planted the sapper. Has a smaller hitbox than a sentry, and projects the laser from the widest part, so that anyone capable of shooting the building can in turn be burnt by it, at least in theory.

Sentry replacement: stealth turret. Similar to an ordinary sentry; it is smaller, faster to build and upgrade, but it does less damage, tracks more slowly, and has less health and a shorter range. It also does not beep when on standby. This sentry conceals itself in a covered hole when there are no enemies present. When firing, deploying, upgrading, or being sapped, it is above ground; at all other times it goes back in its hole. While underground, it takes drastically reduced damage from all sources, possibly excepting the Homewrecker.

[Lottel]

Spymex: When activated, you see all invisible/disguised players but everyone else is invisible. Otherwise it acts just like the regular watch.

[Frocto]

how about a gun that shoots heavies