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[Brentai]

Classes are in the order I bothered to do them.

SPY
Primary - Silenced Pistol: As long as the crosshairs are trained on a single target, the silenced pistol will charge much like the sniper rifle.  It does damage and has a reload time about equivalent to the sniper rifle but cannot crit and actually isn't very accurate over long distances.  It will not charge while cloaked.
Secondary - Remote Control Decoy: Throw the decoy projector onto the ground and press M2 to activate it.  For 10 seconds the projector will generate a hologram of one of your teammates which you can control.  The decoy is indestructable and will attract sentries, however, it has a limited range relative to your location, and while using it you are uncloaked and immobile.
Melee - Electro-Shocker: Hit an enemy with the Electro-Shocker and they will be stunned for ~5 seconds, completely immobilized with the requisite hilarious spasming.  After hitting an enemy the stunner must recharge for 10 seconds, during which time you can try to whack enemies with it for pathetic damage.

SOLDIER
Primary - Homing Missile: Yep.  It homes just well enough that a Scout could easily avoid it, a class with normal speed can just barely avoid it, and Heavies are probably screwed.  But, the Homing Missile has a distinctive look and can be destroyed by any weapon, although the resulting explosion will still damage the enemy team.  Also, the Soldier can only load one of these at a time.
Secondary - Proximity Mine: HEY GUYS I HEARD YOU LIKE STICKIES SO I GAVE THE SOLDIER STICKIES.  Seriously, though, the Soldier can apply these to any applicable surface but has to touching it to do so, and he can't remotely detonate them; they'll be set off as soon as any target gets too close.  Teammates are safe, but the Soldier who planted the mines will set off and get hurt by them.  They can be disarmed in the same manner as stickybombs and will not go off if the target is crouching.
Melee - VAL-09 Entrenching Tool: Criticals from behind.  No criticals from the front.  Watch your head.

SNIPER
Primary - Scoped Assault Rifle: Capable of automatic fire over very long ranges, but its damage is only about as good as the submachine gun.  Unscoped, its accuracy goes completely to shit.
Secondary - The Outback: A single-barrel shotgun with knockback like the Force-A-Nature, but greater.  Only holds one shot at a time, though.  Can be used like the FaN to jump higher.
Melee - Bowie Knife: A very quick melee weapon - possibly quicker than the bat - but with only about as much damage as the butterfly knife.  For those weird Snipers who seem to enjoy melee combat.

ENGINEER
Primary - My First Invention: Consisting of a cigarette lighter taped to a can of hairspray, this early product of the prodigal young Engineer can produce a quick puff of flame in an outward direction.  The lighter needs to be rekindled after each puff, but it is still undoubtedly useful in certain situations.  Like, say, toasting marshmallows.
Secondary - Sentry-In-A-Can: What looks like a can of delicious Bonk! Energy Drink is thrown by the Engineer, and wherever it lands, a Level 1 Sentry begins to build itself.  This sentry is separate from the one built and maintained by the Engineer and has a 360 degree field of vision.  However, as soon as it constructs itself it begins losing health, and cannot be repaired.  The Sentry-In-A-Can costs all of 200 metal, and will be instantly destroyed if another can is thrown.
Melee - Multitool: Builds buildings faster and gets 150% the value of the metal when upgrading and repairing.  However, it is incapable of producing critical hits.

DEMOMAN
Primary - Frag Grenades: Grenades of the classic "hand-tossed" variety.  These don't explode on contact, but rather after a set time will go off and spray bullets through a rather impressive radius.  If you see the enemy throw one of these - or just clumsily dropped yours because you got hit - the best thing to do is duck and hope that the shrapnel passes over, and not through, your head.
Secondary - Grim Bloody Fable: As per wartime safety regulations, the Demoman can only have one of these out at a time. After being launched, this little number will dig itself into the first surface - or enemy body - that it hits, and start beeping loudly.  This beeping is a warning to anyone unlucky enough to be nearby that they have 5 seconds to get out of there before the Grim Bloody Fable detonates with the force of four stickybombs.  Now that's an unhappy bloody ending.
Melee - Molotov Cocktail: A blissful union of the Demoman's two great loves, booze and explosions.  It's so beautiful that he cannot bear to just throw it away, so instead he just hits people with it.  This has a fairly predictable effect, i.e. both the victim and the Demoman will catch on fire.  For some reason the Demoman can produce an infinite number of these.

[Mongrel]

I think everyone who ever thought of a list like this has said the Demoman needs a molotov as his melee alternate.

If Valve fails in this... well... words will fail me.

[Brentai]

Alternately:

Replace the Homing Missile with the crazy-assed Laser-Guided RPG from Half-Life 2.  I love that thing.

Replace the Proximity Mine with C4.  Make them at least weaker than stickybombs so you don't have goddamn soldiers with goddamn stickies, but that way you at least gain the option to stick them on the backs of Heavies and lol.

Replace the Scoped Assault Rifle with a Laser Rifle.  The Laser Rifle does nothing until fully charged in scope, but once it is it shoots a constant laser beam that can quickly rack up damage against multiple targets.  Drawbacks are ammo considerations, the requisite chargeup time, and the fact that a damn laser beam makes your position completely obvious.

Replace the Sentry-In-A-Can with the Flare Gun, but then you need to replace My First Invention with something.  The Engineer does not get two fucking fire weapons.

[Bongo Bill]

Soldier: Secondary: Bayonet: one shot, slow reload, powerful single-action weapon. Alt-fire is stab. Weaker than the shovel, but oh-so-convenient.

[Doom]

Sniper Rifle Primary Alternate - A rifle that deals a gushing sort of wound, causing an enemy to lose a small(compared to the pyro) amount of health over time and to leave a trail of blood.

Cannot headshot, subsequently. For gung-ho/melee snipers near the front, or guys who think bodyshot harassment is hilarious.

[Kazz]

Sniper

replace Sniper Rifle with an M1.  No scope, five shots that have to be fired before you can reload, high damage and quite accurate.  No headshots.

replace Submachine Gun with the Barbie.  It's a wire, suitable for placing in a doorway or narrow hall.  Whoever crosses it gets slowed for a few seconds.

replace the Khukri with a Boomerang.  It flies in a narrow arc and then returns to the Sniper, killing whoever it hits in the head and doing light damage to anyone else.  Can be used to melee attack but is weak.

[yyler]

haha wow

Silenced Pistol: As long as the crosshairs are trained on a single target, the silenced pistol will charge much like the sniper rifle.  It does damage and has a reload time about equivalent to the sniper rifle but cannot crit and actually isn't very accurate over long distances.  It will not charge while cloaked.

Okay, but it is really hard to keep someone in your line of sight. Unless it is a tanking engineer. In which case backstab them.

???

Remote Control Decoy: Throw the decoy projector onto the ground and press M2 to activate it.  For 10 seconds the projector will generate a hologram of one of your teammates which you can control.  The decoy is indestructable and will attract sentries, however, it has a limited range relative to your location, and while using it you are uncloaked and immobile.

Why is this useful

Melee - Electro-Shocker: Hit an enemy with the Electro-Shocker and they will be stunned for ~5 seconds, completely immobilized with the requisite hilarious spasming.  After hitting an enemy the stunner must recharge for 10 seconds, during which time you can try to whack enemies with it for pathetic damage.

Or you can whip out your magnum and kill someone while they are helpless, great

VAL-09 Entrenching Tool: Criticals from behind.  No criticals from the front.  Watch your head.

Didn't know soldiers were an ambush class

The Outback: A single-barrel shotgun with knockback like the Force-A-Nature, but greater.  Only holds one shot at a time, though.  Can be used like the FaN to jump higher.

This is simply TOO GOOD. Why would you take the already shitty SMG over this? Ever? Good snipers won't even use the SMG. They just use the kukri. This is a free double jump. A FREE DOUBLE JUMP TO THE GOOD SNIPERS SO THAT SPIES CANT BACKSTAB THEM ARE YOU JOKING

Sentry-In-A-Can: What looks like a can of delicious Bonk! Energy Drink is thrown by the Engineer, and wherever it lands, a Level 1 Sentry begins to build itself.  This sentry is separate from the one built and maintained by the Engineer and has a 360 degree field of vision.  However, as soon as it constructs itself it begins losing health, and cannot be repaired.  The Sentry-In-A-Can costs all of 200 metal, and will be instantly destroyed if another can is thrown.

If it hurts itself, it's useless. Cool, I have a weak ambush/vanguard sentry here that goes away and wastes metal I could better use preparing for an actual fight. No, this is bad. If it had an instant build time it'd at least be good in the heat of battle. If it isn't instant, it needs to just have low health.

Multitool: Builds buildings faster and gets 150% the value of the metal when upgrading and repairing.  However, it is incapable of producing critical hits.

Why wouldn't you take this? If it builds faster, it also heals faster, and crits aren't a huge deal WHEN MY SENTRY IS TURNING AROUND TO KILL THAT SPY. This is one of the most blatant upgrades I have ever seen.

I don't even know what to say about the others, it's like
what
are you trolling me

[François]

Maybe the soldier could get a Harman Smith-type anti-tank rifle that doesn't crit and can't one-shot anybody with full health; however it has 100% body penetration (like the HR in L4D but won't shoot through walls), no range damage penalty, and deals bonus damage to buildings, enough to take down an actively repaired lvl 3 sentry in 4 hits (if you can live long enough to administer them). It can only load 1 round at a time, has a rate of fire about twice as slow as an uncharged sniper rifle, has no scope, has crap accuracy if you're on fire, and obviously doesn't let you rocket jump.

[Zaratustra]

Engineer:

Heavy Duty Sentry: More heavily armored, especially against explosive-type weapons, than the regular sentry. Takes 33% damage less from weapons and sappers, and 50% damage less from explosives. Has a lower fire rate than the regular sentry, and opponents hit don't reel back. (Optionally, fires only rockets.)

Jump Pad: Replaces teleporter. Hurls users up and forward with the force of a good sticky jump.

Supercharger: Replaces dispenser. Gives users a short-period speed and critical boost.

Spy:

The Golden Gun has 6 shots and only loads one at a time, but does more damage and has an alternate fire that shoots a Medic-style dart. A target struck with it has friendly fire turned on for a moment and sees all targets as enemies.

The EMP Generator confuses all engineer buildings in range so they cease to operate while it's active. It may be placed some distance away and doesn't immediately notify the engineer, but only one can be out at any given moment and it 'recharges' after destroyed.

The Skinner is a narrow, stiletto-like knife.
A Skinner kill doesn't show up on other players' HUDs. After such a kill, the Spy cannot attack for one second (or more), but automatically disguises as the killed player, appearing to wield the weapon they were using.

[Bongo Bill]

Presumably the Skinner kill notification is delayed until the Spy is able to attack with it again?

[Brentai]

I don't even know what to say about the others, it's like
what
are you trolling me

Of course not.  The fact that you're taking it seriously at all is just a hilarious bonus.

Silenced Pistol

Okay, but it is really hard to keep someone in your line of sight. Unless it is a tanking engineer. In which case backstab them.

Well of course.  The Spy isn't meant to be shooting people, or else he'd have a gun that was worth a damn.  This is pretty much just a long-range backstab, except instead of sneaking up on people you sort of hide and aim very slowly.

Remote Control Decoy

Why is this useful

...your avatar is taken straight from the Bonk! page.  You tell me why it's useful.

Electro-Shocker

Or you can whip out your magnum and kill someone while they are helpless, great

Assuming there's nobody around to stop you, sure, why not.  You're a Spy.  If anybody is anywhere nearby they're going to toast you unless you leave.

I originally had it as the Shocker being completely useless during recharge, but I figured the minimal damage thing would be good for humiliation.

VAL-09 Entrenching Tool

Didn't know soldiers were an ambush class

The only situation where a Soldier would honestly be using the shovel is if he's being a total Geothermal and sneaking up on somebody with it.  Considering that they can still get away in this case because the shovel is just so pathetic, I figure it's fair.

The Outback

This is simply TOO GOOD. Why would you take the already shitty SMG over this? Ever? Good snipers won't even use the SMG. They just use the kukri. This is a free double jump. A FREE DOUBLE JUMP TO THE GOOD SNIPERS SO THAT SPIES CANT BACKSTAB THEM ARE YOU JOKING

Tell you what, you come up with an alternate-unlockable that's terrible enough that somebody would honestly take the SMG over it, and we'll go with that.  Otherwise I don't see the problem with rewarding Snipers who know how the fuck to get around the terrain.

Sentry-In-A-Can

If it hurts itself, it's useless. Cool, I have a weak ambush/vanguard sentry here that goes away and wastes metal I could better use preparing for an actual fight. No, this is bad. If it had an instant build time it'd at least be good in the heat of battle. If it isn't instant, it needs to just have low health.

This was the last one I did and I'm not very thrilled with it.  I really wanted to go with Flare Gun but I really liked My First Invention and fuck if I'm sticking with two fire weapons.  The basic idea is more or less "here's an ambush sentry to dick with when you've already built up your nest and are fucking bored to tears sitting on your pile."  I'll admit the metal cost is probably too much, but I don't think it needs an instant build time or permanence since you should never have two damned sentries to begin with.

Multitool

Why wouldn't you take this? If it builds faster, it also heals faster, and crits aren't a huge deal WHEN MY SENTRY IS TURNING AROUND TO KILL THAT SPY. This is one of the most blatant upgrades I have ever seen.

Um.  Nobody said it removed sappers faster.  Unless you're playing against 100% incompetent Spies then taking away CRIT WRENCH!!! is like a Christmas gift to them.

We'll even drive the point home, and say it takes three whacks with the Multitool to remove a sapper.  At that point the repair bonus is all but evened out, and you probably have a knife in your back anyway.

Jump Pad: Replaces teleporter. Hurls users up and forward with the force of a good sticky jump.

I love this, but it needs to do a bit more to honestly replace a teleporter (especially on most CP maps where there's a wall every hundred feet or so).

The Golden Gun has 6 shots and only loads one at a time, but does more damage and has an alternate fire that shoots a Medic-style dart. A target struck with it has friendly fire turned on for a moment and sees all targets as enemies.

This could be either obvious or terribly overpowered depending on how it's implemented.  Sounds fun though.

The Skinner is a narrow, stiletto-like knife.

SkinNEEEEER!
You'd have to mute all chat for the player for it to even start to be anything but a drawback, though.

[Catloaf]

On the homing missle:  

• If poofed, or batted back, will lock on to the soldier who fired it.
• Must hover over target for 3 seconds to lock on.
• secondary fire to launch it straight
• Will chase flares, baseballs, other rockets and grenades that get between it and it's target.  However, they must be fired from a non-target.

[Saturn]

ROCKET LAUNCHER REPLACEMENT: fires sabot rounds that no longer have any blast radius, but travel far faster and has a 5 shot magazine that reloads all at once

The Trap-shooter: This shotgun now fires SLUGS (Shut up i know you dont use slugs for trap shooting in real life)  that only crit-airborne opponents. Pop em up with the Rocket launcher, and make them break like a clay pigeon

[Bongo Bill]

Sticky bomb replacement: the other kind of sticky bomb. Explosives adhere to the target, or to any opponent who walks on a discarded one, and explode after five seconds unless an ally destroys it with a bullet.

[Brentai]

On the homing missle:  

• If poofed, or batted back, will lock on to the soldier who fired it.
• Must hover over target for 3 seconds to lock on.
• secondary fire to launch it straight
• Will chase flares, baseballs, other rockets and grenades that get between it and it's target.  However, they must be fired from a non-target.

Like the lock-on bit.  Needs to be carefully balanced to avoid falling into either "too much of a pain in the ass to actually use" or "pretty much a replacement for the normal launcher" though, if you add unlocked alt-fire.

[Bongo Bill]

Make it weaker, then.

[Catloaf]

Alternate Sniper Rifle:  

• 3 Shots per reload
• charges faster
• Shakes around while aiming, more so if moving, less so when crouched

[Norondor]

itt bad ideas

I liked an idea someone had for a replacement for the spy's pistol that could fire a dart that would make people's blood coagulate, making other people bump into them as though they were a disguised spy. Useful? unknown! but potentially very hilarious.

[Mongrel]

make people's blood coagulate, making other people bump into them as though they were a disguised spy.

[Brentai]

Most Spy alternates I've heard of are some kind of dart.  Probably because TFC Spy's gun was a dart.

The original tranq would be hella useful but honestly perhaps too useful.  Hey look now it's nothing but a thang to backstab enemies or run away from them, doot doo.

coagulate

Pretty sure that's exactly what he meant.  It makes perfect sense in a twisted sort of way.

If you went full out and made the target display all the signs of being a spy it'd be even funnier.  It changes their name and makes their health always appear at 50%.