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[Koah]

Engineer Buildings With Bricks of C4 In Them: Functionally identical to normal buildings, only when sapped they explode instantly.  In a mushroom cloud.  That acknowledges things like "friendly fire."  Aside from that they function and cease functioning like normal sentries/teleporters/dispensers in every other respect.

[Bongo Bill]

Engineer Buildings With Bricks of C4 In Them: Functionally identical to normal buildings, only when sapped they explode instantly.  In a mushroom cloud.  That acknowledges things like "friendly fire."  Aside from that they function and cease functioning like normal sentries/teleporters/dispensers in every other respect.

Also, if you destroy them with the detonator they destroy nearby things.

[Mongrel]

Most Spy alternates I've heard of are some kind of dart.  Probably because TFC Spy's gun was a dart.

The original tranq would be hella useful but honestly perhaps too useful.  Hey look now it's nothing but a thang to backstab enemies or run away from them, doot doo.

coagulate

Pretty sure that's exactly what he meant.  It makes perfect sense in a twisted sort of way.

If you went full out and made the target display all the signs of being a spy it'd be even funnier.  It changes their name and makes their health always appear at 50%.

For some reason I thought noro was saying it would also make the victim invisble.

[Mongrel]

Engineer Buildings With Bricks of C4 In Them: Functionally identical to normal buildings, only when sapped they explode instantly.  In a mushroom cloud.  That acknowledges things like "friendly fire."  Aside from that they function and cease functioning like normal sentries/teleporters/dispensers in every other respect.

Also, if you destroy them with the detonator they destroy nearby things.

Actually, this would be a neat idea, if you could make a cheap building (in the enemy's colour) that DIDN'T function but was instead a decoy booby trap.

Maybe that would be a better demoman or spy alternate though.

[Brentai]

TAUNT KILLS
Spy: Hitting an enemy with the cigarette now lights them on fire.  Functions exactly like normal fire, so this is not a guaranteed kill.
Demoman: Stickybomb taunt functions like Showdown!, but the target is gibbed.
Engineer: (My First Invention) The Engineer checks the apparently nonfunctioning device quizzically, and after some fiddling recoils as the device sprays a large blast of fire inches from his face.  Enemies caught in this blast are taunt-killed.
Sniper: (Bowie Knife) The Sniper performs an elaborate series of slashes with the knife, ending with a triumphant thrust.  If the thrust hits an enemy they will be taunt-killed, and the Sniper will look briefly shocked as if it were a complete accident.
Soldier: When performing the shotgun taunt, there is a chance that the Soldier will accidentally drop a grenade, which will explode after giving the Soldier enough time to stare at it with alarm.  The grenade does 175 damage to the Soldier and any enemy in range.
Medic: After performing the glove-snapping taunt the Medic will have the glove as a melee weapon for 1 second.  The glove is capable of performing a backstab, but with a very different animation.  The icon for this death is not very detailed.

[Kazz]

doesn't the spy have a taunt where he shoves his knife out

come the hell on

[Brentai]

Sure, but I don't do that one thinking every time that it would be hilarious if some fucker in front of me were catching it and lighting on fire.

[James Edward Smith]

Rocketman

Screaming Eagle - new rocket launcher that fires rockets that travel 25% slower but that home in on near by targets (That or that the player guides with a laser sight ala HL2's rocket launcher)

Grenades - 2 to 4 ammo count, grenades that work like the demo's primary to give the soldier an indirect attack

Trench Spike - deals 50% damage of entrenching tool and cannot crit but knocks enemy into the air and back away from the soldier similarly to a rocket's knock back effect. (Could just be a knuckle duster since the soldier would always just punch with it rather than stab with the spike)

[yyler]

starting to think this entire thread is just a joke and norondor and i aren't getting it at all

[yyler]

Soldier— What about a rocket launcher that does more damage.... but not to him, so he can't rocket jump???
Engineer— What about building two level "1.5" sentries.... but they take less damage.
Sniper— What about giving him a katana! I bet he'd say japanese words really funny with his australian accent

[Brentai]

Alternate Sniper Secondary: Cantrips Caltrops.

Technically does even less damage than the SMG, so it works!

Alternate Sniper Melee: A giant fucking boomerang.  Works exactly the same as the khukri, but is a giant fucking boomerang.

(I realize that these are both basically what Kazz said shut up.)

Seconding Geo's idea that the Soldier's primary unlockable, no matter what, shall be called the Screaming Eagle.

Unexpected benefit of laser-guided missile: Uncertainty whether that dot on the wall is a Sniper's scope or a missile painting.

[Beat Bandit]

Spy:

 Most Helpful:
   Health Blocker: Hold this item while disguised and even though you take damage normally from enemy attacks they don't see the damage appear under your name.

 Most Realistic:
   Deluxe Spy Disguise: disguising as enemy spy allows you to appear as if you're wearing a mask disguising you as a unit of your own team.

 Most Awesome:
   Bug Gun: hit someone with a bug and anything they say in team speak or voice you can read or hear.



Sniper:

 Most Helpful:
   Cardboard Cut-out: Place this item in an open window to throw off enemies. Can be destroyed by sap, fire, or explosion.

 Most Realistic:
   Trip Wire: Place item on ground or in doorway and it alerts the sniper when another player from either team trips it (optional: slows enemy as Kazz suggested)

 Most Awesome:
   Bleeder: Doesn't crit on headshots but does equal damage to standard sniper rifle. Enemy hit is slowed and takes minor damage per second until healed.

[yyler]

The cardboard cut out is already accomplished with a spray, actually!

Seeing them full of bullets is hilarious.

[Zaratustra]

Soldier:

Strangelove - Regular rockets are even more useless because of BALANCE. Alt fire fires a guided rocket you can ride around and jump off before reaching the destination.

Sharps Carbine - Doesn't spread like the shotgun, slightly less damage but more range, crit bonus upon kill like KGB.

Trenchman - Alt-fire raises a barricade that lasts for a few seconds or so much damage.

[Kazz]

Spy

Dart Gun - Doesn't do damage, just causes slow.  Multiple shots can totally immobilize target for an indecent amount of time.

Gas Grenade - Causes hallucinations, making you believe you're being hurt, seeing explosions, losing direction.

Syringe - No damage.  Five seconds after injection, the target explodes in a bloody mess unless healed.

[Disposable Ninja]

The Jackal

Well, I haven't played Team Fortress 2 due to not having a Gold membership to Live, buuuuuuuuut: remember in the Bruce Willis movie, The Jackal, where he blows up Jack Black with a remote-controlled sniper rifle in a suite case? That. I don't know who it'd be best suited to, though, the Sniper himself or the Engineer or maybe even the Spy, I don't know.

Basically, you'd plant it somewhere on the map, and then you could activate it and control it, manually, remotely. Secondary would be making it explode. You only get one and it has limited ammo.

[Zaratustra]

the problem is that the regular sentry already does most of that, is automatic and has nearly infinite ammo. TF2 often degenerates into Go Around The Sentry.

[yyler]

Syringe - No damage.  Five seconds after injection, the target explodes in a bloody mess unless healed.

You know, if this doesn't pop your disguise, I could see it being about equal with the butterfly knife in terms of usefulness.

[Brentai]

the problem is that the regular sentry already does most of that, is automatic and has nearly infinite ammo.

If nobody ever just shoots the thing it can be left unattended and blow fuckers up forever.

Syringe - No damage.  Five seconds after injection, the target explodes in a bloody mess unless healed.

You know, if this doesn't pop your disguise, I could see it being about equal with the butterfly knife in terms of usefulness.

Even if it does, the defensive uses of such a thing would be silly-powerful.  If all the Medics get killed during a charge (and they do, because people shoot at Medics) the Spy can just run around behind his own lines and ping everyone he sees with it.  If you're attacking it's really unlikely you'll be able to find a medpack in time.

So yeah, back-of-line defensive Spy.  What up.

(Though if the fact that Medics auto-heal counts as being practically immune to the thing, it becomes a more even tradeoff, because DELICIOUS MEDIC-STABBING.)

[Disposable Ninja]

Spy

The Anti-Uber
A tool that can only be used when the Spy is disguised as a Medic. Instead of making the target temporarily invulnerable, it makes him extra-vulnerable to attacks, exploding violently after taking only a couple of hits.