I get some real choice customers at my store. I think I've talked about the guy in the motor wheelchair with lobotomy scars and Marty Feldman eyes who always begs for cookies before.
Today, I'm going to talk about Skeezix.
I dunno if that's his real name and frankly, the less I know about Skeezix the better. He's one of the scummiest people I've ever had to deal with. I know you shouldn't judge people and stuff, but man, this guy. First of all is his appearance. He's always, always, wearing a hooded sweater, partly zipped up, without a shirt underneath. And it's always the same goddamn hoodie. I have this horrible feeling that it's the only shirt he wears, and he just doesn't bother while he's at home. I presume he doesn't have a job, because he just oozes casual apathy. His hair is greasy-looking and long. I'd say the person he resembles most would be The Jesus from The Big Lebowski, but without the fashion sense.
Second is the smell. Every time, every goddamn time he comes in, he stinks to high heaven, like he schedules his showers weekly. I'm not kidding when I say I hold my breath whenever he approaches. I bet he'd qualify as ascetic if it wasn't for the crap he eats. Which leads me to point three.
Skeezix always getting the same crap every time he comes in. Pizza, pies, cake. Oh, and it's not just any food. See, at my store, we mark down anything that expires the next day to 50%. He always arrives in the evening and lurks around the bakery and deli, just waiting for us to mark down something. He used to bother us ahead of time to mark stuff down, but that was before I knew that our policy was not to do that (otherwise we'd have everybody begging us to mark down stuff). One the ladies in deli actually caught Skeezix trying to switch markdown tags to get something for even cheaper.
The guy's a goddamn walking stereotype: Skeezix would be the shifty-eyed scumbag henchman who got his comeuppance at the end of the movie.
