You play a lot more games. Like, way more. For several months. Whilst wallowing in self-pity.
As much as I fight it, and I've been fighting it, there's just this overwhelming, burning
want to get back into that fat, fat fucking cycle of doing shit-all but slogging through RPGs at 4 AM in my underwear, unshaven and half-buried in takeout boxes 'n delicious low-sodium Diet Moxie two-liters. I mean I haven't touched Fallout 3 or Persona 3/4 in months with the rationale that it's a massive waste of time at a pivotal moment in my life when I need to be getting my future rolling, but that doesn't stop me from really, really wanting to sink hours into these games. Cause they're fun. I love playing games, and even though I know they're about the least productive thing I could
possibly be doing, I'm probably never really going to stop enjoying them until I
need to, by the Way More Important Responsibilities I'll hopefully've of achieved by the time I'm considerably older.
I don't intend to ever truly get back into the habit, because it's a sad, lonely habit, but fuck, I need to get this out of my system at some point or other. Multiplayer's that comfortable middle ground where I'm actually doing a social activity while gaming, hence why I can justify and guiltlessly enjoy TF2 and Gears, but I've already hit that RPG-time-vacuum issue and the only way I can see around it is to wait until I've sufficiently "caught up" with the rest of the damn world, then allow myself a week of being a useless fat fuck to genuinely enjoy these games.
THEN you figure out the secrets of time and money management and finally have both resources available to play games with, but find you no longer enjoy it, because every time you pick up your DS your brain starts thinking about how much money you could be making right now if you weren't playing video games and how much laundry you have to do and you really need to finish your taxes and your insurance needs to be taken care of and and and and and and and and
No no, I get this, and it sucks. I'm doing my best to find a way to think about gaming as just a relaxing leisure activity and not just a huge time sink, but it's somewhat ever-present in my mind now. Like I simply cannot justify/enjoy playing Etrian Odyssey now, because I'll get wiped my some giant ox thing and have nothing to show for my hour of game time and think "well shit, could've used that time better". Do I always need to be productive? At least right now, yeah. I'm hoping that'll change once I feeling better about my situation, better used to a healthier routine, but if it doesn't, well, I dunno. I might have to prioritize. I'll just say I'm glad there's been more and more emphasis on social gaming, makes me feel much better about all this.
