From kindergarten to fourth-grade I was homeschooled in the room above my dad's garage by my mom. When my dad passed away my mom couldn't stay home and teach me anymore, so she shipped me off to public school.
The kids there were so fucking behind me academically and so far ahead of me socially that I nearly killed myself out of a sense of not belonging. I didn't know how to talk to other kids and I was immediately chastized for always knowing the answers. I became labeled as a nerd and girls wouldn't even approach me or carry on a serious conversation with me no matter how I tried.
I decided that other people my age were jerks and only grownups were worth talking to.
I think it's given me a bit of a superiority complex and I'm still working that one out, but one thing I learned to do as a survival tactic was to play very dumb and even be disruptive for attention. The teachers loved me because they all thought I was a genius, and some people liked me because I didn't seem to give a fuck.
Soon I was trolling regularly. I'd do really weird stuff like paint my face or wear a fake moustache to class. I told outrageous lies about family members or what happened at my house.
The few friends I did have were embarassed of my nonchalance about being a nerd: I specifically remember Rosencrantz being embarassed that I played gameboy in public during our Freshman year. :D
I didn't understand the notion of other people being annoyed or even angered by seeing someone who didn't buy into their view of how people should act. One day while walking home a bully named Kyle pulled his car over, got out and started threatening me with a big, metal baseball-bat, saying I'd been, "A little bitch" all year. I couldn't think of a response because it was so illogical to say, so I kept walking. That night I felt so angry. I went to school the next day and told the Principal to do something about the bullying. He jumped to, because technically if Kyle had beaten me up, the school would have been responsible, since neither of us had yet been home.
The Principal sat Kyle and I down in the same room and I explained to Kyle how I'd felt when he'd threatened me. To my amazement, Kyle started crying. That was the moment when I think my brain kinda cracked.
How could this tough, giant bully be crying in front of me? The only logical answer: Everyone, especially bullies, feels like I do sometimes. Everyone likes to feel like they belong, and nobody likes to be ignored or bullied. It was considerably more impactful then when the concept was new: Bullies are bullies because they're afraid.
I wish now that I'd either been thrust directly into public school or continued my private education. Either scenario would probably have saved me quite a bit of grief. I'll say this, though: My utter and seemingly pathological lack of respect for rules has been equal parts rewarding and detrimental. At least when I'm gone they'll say, "Well, that guy didn't care WHAT people thought of him."
That's my dream, and I owe it all to homeschooling.
