IT'S A TIE
I WILL COMBINE THEM IN A HUMOROUS FASHION
2. Open the intercom! "Hey! Hey puppy! You smell!"
3. But then again, you've always liked to work up close and personal. Attempt a daring space landing with your rocket on the mass! Then, you can exit the ship and confront the puppy directly! His last view shall be of your paw!
You flick open the intercom.
"Hey! Hey puppy!"
CPE does not appear to hear you. He goes on merrily rolling his star.
"HEY! HEY! YOU BLASTED CANINE! OVER HERE! OVER HEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEE!"
Despite your best efforts, it seems CPE cannot hear you.
"IMBECILE! I SHALL ROAST YOU UPON AN OPEN FIRE WHEN I FINALLY GET MY PAWS ON YOU!"
Swearing, you swerve and match your orbit to enter the stars atmosphere. Doing a quick calculation in your head, you ascertain the required angle and velocity needed for a safe landing. You fire up the afterburners and rocket yourself into position.
"Steady... steady now..." you say, gripping the steering stick tightly. "The slightest mistake could prove fatal... steady now... I didn't come all this way to be thwarted now..."
The hull begins to heat up. A line of fire consumes you, blurring your vision.
"Just... a little longer... musn't flinch... my calculations... perfect... in every way... only a genius like myself could make the required calculations on the fly... just a little longer... hold it... hollllllllllld it..."
Suddenly, CPE stops, looks to the side away from you, and barks.
There, hanging in space, is a large shining hunk of ice. The light from CPE's star is reflecting off it in a vivid array of colors.
CPE gazes at it, eyes wide, his legs paused in mid-roll.
"No! Puppy! It's just a blasted ice asteroid! It's not anything important!" you say over the loudspeaker.
CPE's left ear perks up.
"That's it! Don't bother with the infernal thing! You need to stay on course!"
CPE turns his head.
The ice asteroid rotates to expose a fissure that looks suspiciously like a pair of mittens.
"PUPPY NO!" you scream, as CPE barks excitedly and turns his star to intercept.
The line of fire that engulfs you turns violent. You try to match, to adapt to CPE's new trajectory, but it's no use. The horrible shaking turns into a tearing, then a terrible wrenching. Your ship goes out of control, spins 180 degrees, and explodes into fragments.
You emerge from the wreckage, having barely made it into the escape pod in time, shooting out and away from CPE's star like a rogue moon. As the hyper-escape engines push you away from the star, you raise one paw.
"Damn you, CPE!" you scream, shaking your arm at him.
**********************************
"Rabbit's log, day twenty-seven," you say tonelessly into the recorder. "What little energy remains to me is now fading rapidly. I used up all my system power trying to find a nearby planet to land on. Unfortunately I was unable to find anything. I can only hope that the puppy meets with a grisly end. I have nothing left. I have even eaten the Tang. And I swore to never eat that stuff again. I just ate it raw. There wasn't any water to put it in."
You click the recorder off. It looks like this is the end. You could raise your head and look out the window for one final scan for a planet, but what's the point? Even you found one now, your pod has no fuel left to correctly align for entry. You'd just burn up on the atmosphere.
You lay your head down, defeated. Closing your eyes, you see CPE's idiotic face, grinning at you.
"Curse you, you blasted puppy," you murmur.
Suddenly, your pod is flooded with light. You crack open one eye.
"THIS IS THE SPACE POLICE," a booming voice declares. "YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF SPACE LAW."
Suddenly, your pod shudders as a giant claw from a nearby ship fastens upon it. Peering out the window, you see a huge blue and white spaceship with SPACE POLICE written along the side.
The claw begins to pull you in. Soon, you are pulled into a docking port. The doors close with a hiss behind you.
"DO NOT MOVE. YOU ARE UNDER SPACE ARREST," the same voice declares.
Releasing the catch of the emergency space blaster, you thumb the energy cell on and tuck it under a fold of fur.
"Space arrest, huh," you mutter. "We'll see about that."
Your pod detects an override code opening the front. You brace yourself.
The front of the pod opens outward like a hinge. You are confronted with several large bears, holding phase rifles trained on you, dressed in police uniforms.
The bear in front speaks. "RABBIT, YOU ARE UNDER SPACE ARREST FOR VIOLATION OF SPACE LAW SECTION 417 DASH 82 B: ATTEMPTING TO HIJACK OR REPLACE THE PROTAGONIST," he bellows in the exact same voice.
"ALSO FOR SEVERAL HUNDRED WARRANTS OUTSTANDING: THEFT, KIDNAPPING, SPACE KIDNAPPING, UNDERWATER KIDNAPPING, IMPERSONATING A SPACE OFFICER, IMPERSONATING SAID SPACE OFFICER'S MOTHER, IMPERSONATING CHER, KIDNAPPING CHER, TYING CHER TO A ROCKET AND FIRING HER INTO THE SUN, BEATING UP A BABY, MISCHIEF, SPACE MISCHIEF, TELLING DOGS THAT THEY CAN FLY SO THAT THEY WILL JUMP OFF CLIFFS, POSSESSION OF AN ILLEGAL NUCLEAR ACCELERATOR, CAPTURING GHOSTS WITHOUT A LICENSE, RELEASING SAID GHOSTS DURING THE SUPERBOWL, HACKING THE CENTRAL CANINE INVESTIGATION CPU AND REPLACING EVERY INSTANCE OF 'DOG' WITH 'IDIOT', YELLING AT ORPHANS, REPLACING SAID ORPHANS ADOPTIVE PARENTS WITH BEES, AND OTHERS," the bear continues.
"Hey, that baby was being a dick," you say.
"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. ANYTHING YOU SAY OR DO MAY BE USED AGAINST YOU IN SPACE COURT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR RIGHTS?"
"Run that one where I can shoot all of you and hijack your ship by me again," you say.
"DUR?" replies the bear.
BLAM!
The Police bear tumbles over backward, his police hat floating slowly to the floor.
The rest of the bears open fire.
"You fools! This is merely a holographic projection of me!" you shout as phase beams hit the walls of your pod all around you. "The real me is right behind you!"
The bears all gasp, turn, and stare at nothing.
You finish gunning them all down.
After tying all the bears up, you slap the lead bear awake.
"You! You are clearly the leader of this idiotic pack of caniforms. Tell me, what is the code to operate the main computer!"
"I WILL NEVER TELL A SPACE CRIMINAL!" he bellows.
You shoot him again, and go find a discarded police hat. Putting it on, you slap the bear awake again.
"Quickly! I've just arrived! The rabbit is heading for the main computer! Tell me the code so I can lock him out!"
"THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, SPACE POLICE RABBIT," the bear says. "THE CODE IS ONE - TWO - THREE - FOUR - FIVE!"
"That's the dumbest code I've ever heard in my life," you say, shooting him again.
You quickly exit the docking bay, and lock the door behind you.
Heading up the elevator to the command center, you come face to face with the robot bear sentries guarding the door to the bridge.
"HALT! INTRUDER DETECTED ON DECK ONE! INTRUDER IS: RABBIT! WANTED FOR NUMEROUS CRIMES, INCLUDING THEFT, SPACE THEFT, PUTTING SUGAR IN PLAYDOUGH, BLOCKING THE SUN FOR AN ENTIRE DAY IN A MAD SCHEME TO END HAPPINESS ON PLANET EARTH, SENDING CHAIN LETTERS TO OTHER PEOPLE'S EMAIL ACCOUNTS, KIDNAPPING, UNDERGROUND KIDNAPP-"
"Yes yes yes," you say, irritated. "And I told you before, I never sent any chain letters. Even I am not that evil."
The robot bears, which look exactly like the police bears only metal, raise their paws, each having a hole at the center.
Both begin firing phase bolts.
Dodging behind a handy crate, you return fire with your blaster. It just bounces off or impacts harmlessly. The bear robots advance.
"Drat!" you curse. "There's got to be some other way past these mechanical dimwits!"
*****************************
1. USE THE BOOST TO GET THROUGH
2. Put on your police hat again!
3. Run between them, so they'll shoot each other!
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Topic: The adventures of THAT RABBIT (Read 2837 times)