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Voting closed: January 03, 2010, 06:27:00 AM


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Author Topic: The adventures of THAT RABBIT  (Read 2837 times)

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Friday

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #20 on: September 24, 2009, 05:27:27 PM »

IT'S A TIE

I WILL COMBINE THEM IN A HUMOROUS FASHION

2. Open the intercom! "Hey! Hey puppy! You smell!"

3. But then again, you've always liked to work up close and personal. Attempt a daring space landing with your rocket on the mass! Then, you can exit the ship and confront the puppy directly! His last view shall be of your paw!


You flick open the intercom.

"Hey! Hey puppy!"

CPE does not appear to hear you. He goes on merrily rolling his star.

"HEY! HEY! YOU BLASTED CANINE! OVER HERE! OVER HEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEE!"

Despite your best efforts, it seems CPE cannot hear you.

"IMBECILE! I SHALL ROAST YOU UPON AN OPEN FIRE WHEN I FINALLY GET MY PAWS ON YOU!"

Swearing, you swerve and match your orbit to enter the stars atmosphere. Doing a quick calculation in your head, you ascertain the required angle and velocity needed for a safe landing. You fire up the afterburners and rocket yourself into position.

"Steady... steady now..." you say, gripping the steering stick tightly. "The slightest mistake could prove fatal... steady now... I didn't come all this way to be thwarted now..."

The hull begins to heat up. A line of fire consumes you, blurring your vision.

"Just... a little longer... musn't flinch... my calculations... perfect... in every way... only a genius like myself could make the required calculations on the fly... just a little longer... hold it... hollllllllllld it..."

Suddenly, CPE stops, looks to the side away from you, and barks.

There, hanging in space, is a large shining hunk of ice. The light from CPE's star is reflecting off it in a vivid array of colors.

CPE gazes at it, eyes wide, his legs paused in mid-roll.

"No! Puppy! It's just a blasted ice asteroid! It's not anything important!" you say over the loudspeaker.

CPE's left ear perks up.

"That's it! Don't bother with the infernal thing! You need to stay on course!"

CPE turns his head.

The ice asteroid rotates to expose a fissure that looks suspiciously like a pair of mittens.

"PUPPY NO!" you scream, as CPE barks excitedly and turns his star to intercept.

The line of fire that engulfs you turns violent. You try to match, to adapt to CPE's new trajectory, but it's no use. The horrible shaking turns into a tearing, then a terrible wrenching. Your ship goes out of control, spins 180 degrees, and explodes into fragments.

You emerge from the wreckage, having barely made it into the escape pod in time, shooting out and away from CPE's star like a rogue moon. As the hyper-escape engines push you away from the star, you raise one paw.

"Damn you, CPE!" you scream, shaking your arm at him.

**********************************

"Rabbit's log, day twenty-seven," you say tonelessly into the recorder. "What little energy remains to me is now fading rapidly. I used up all my system power trying to find a nearby planet to land on. Unfortunately I was unable to find anything. I can only hope that the puppy meets with a grisly end. I have nothing left. I have even eaten the Tang. And I swore to never eat that stuff again. I just ate it raw. There wasn't any water to put it in."

You click the recorder off. It looks like this is the end. You could raise your head and look out the window for one final scan for a planet, but what's the point? Even you found one now, your pod has no fuel left to correctly align for entry. You'd just burn up on the atmosphere.

You lay your head down, defeated. Closing your eyes, you see CPE's idiotic face, grinning at you.

"Curse you, you blasted puppy," you murmur.

Suddenly, your pod is flooded with light. You crack open one eye.

"THIS IS THE SPACE POLICE," a booming voice declares. "YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF SPACE LAW."

Suddenly, your pod shudders as a giant claw from a nearby ship fastens upon it. Peering out the window, you see a huge blue and white spaceship with SPACE POLICE written along the side.

The claw begins to pull you in. Soon, you are pulled into a docking port. The doors close with a hiss behind you.

"DO NOT MOVE. YOU ARE UNDER SPACE ARREST," the same voice declares.

Releasing the catch of the emergency space blaster, you thumb the energy cell on and tuck it under a fold of fur.

"Space arrest, huh," you mutter. "We'll see about that."

Your pod detects an override code opening the front. You brace yourself.

The front of the pod opens outward like a hinge. You are confronted with several large bears, holding phase rifles trained on you, dressed in police uniforms.

The bear in front speaks. "RABBIT, YOU ARE UNDER SPACE ARREST FOR VIOLATION OF SPACE LAW SECTION 417 DASH 82 B: ATTEMPTING TO HIJACK OR REPLACE THE PROTAGONIST," he bellows in the exact same voice.

"ALSO FOR SEVERAL HUNDRED WARRANTS OUTSTANDING: THEFT, KIDNAPPING, SPACE KIDNAPPING, UNDERWATER KIDNAPPING, IMPERSONATING A SPACE OFFICER, IMPERSONATING SAID SPACE OFFICER'S MOTHER, IMPERSONATING CHER, KIDNAPPING CHER, TYING CHER TO A ROCKET AND FIRING HER INTO THE SUN, BEATING UP A BABY, MISCHIEF, SPACE MISCHIEF, TELLING DOGS THAT THEY CAN FLY SO THAT THEY WILL JUMP OFF CLIFFS, POSSESSION OF AN ILLEGAL NUCLEAR ACCELERATOR, CAPTURING GHOSTS WITHOUT A LICENSE, RELEASING SAID GHOSTS DURING THE SUPERBOWL, HACKING THE CENTRAL CANINE INVESTIGATION CPU AND REPLACING EVERY INSTANCE OF 'DOG' WITH 'IDIOT', YELLING AT ORPHANS, REPLACING SAID ORPHANS ADOPTIVE PARENTS WITH BEES, AND OTHERS," the bear continues.

"Hey, that baby was being a dick," you say.

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. ANYTHING YOU SAY OR DO MAY BE USED AGAINST YOU IN SPACE COURT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR RIGHTS?"

"Run that one where I can shoot all of you and hijack your ship by me again," you say.

"DUR?" replies the bear.

BLAM!

The Police bear tumbles over backward, his police hat floating slowly to the floor.

The rest of the bears open fire.

"You fools! This is merely a holographic projection of me!" you shout as phase beams hit the walls of your pod all around you. "The real me is right behind you!"

The bears all gasp, turn, and stare at nothing.

You finish gunning them all down.

After tying all the bears up, you slap the lead bear awake.

"You! You are clearly the leader of this idiotic pack of caniforms. Tell me, what is the code to operate the main computer!"

"I WILL NEVER TELL A SPACE CRIMINAL!" he bellows.

You shoot him again, and go find a discarded police hat. Putting it on, you slap the bear awake again.

"Quickly! I've just arrived! The rabbit is heading for the main computer! Tell me the code so I can lock him out!"

"THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, SPACE POLICE RABBIT," the bear says. "THE CODE IS ONE - TWO - THREE - FOUR - FIVE!"

"That's the dumbest code I've ever heard in my life," you say, shooting him again.

You quickly exit the docking bay, and lock the door behind you.

Heading up the elevator to the command center, you come face to face with the robot bear sentries guarding the door to the bridge.

"HALT! INTRUDER DETECTED ON DECK ONE! INTRUDER IS: RABBIT! WANTED FOR NUMEROUS CRIMES, INCLUDING THEFT, SPACE THEFT, PUTTING SUGAR IN PLAYDOUGH, BLOCKING THE SUN FOR AN ENTIRE DAY IN A MAD SCHEME TO END HAPPINESS ON PLANET EARTH, SENDING CHAIN LETTERS TO OTHER PEOPLE'S EMAIL ACCOUNTS, KIDNAPPING, UNDERGROUND KIDNAPP-"

"Yes yes yes," you say, irritated. "And I told you before, I never sent any chain letters. Even I am not that evil."

The robot bears, which look exactly like the police bears only metal, raise their paws, each having a hole at the center.

Both begin firing phase bolts.

Dodging behind a handy crate, you return fire with your blaster. It just bounces off or impacts harmlessly. The bear robots advance.

"Drat!" you curse. "There's got to be some other way past these mechanical dimwits!"

*****************************

1. USE THE BOOST TO GET THROUGH

2. Put on your police hat again!

3. Run between them, so they'll shoot each other!
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Friday

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2009, 06:58:53 PM »

additional option:

4. METAL BEAR?!
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Cthulhu-chan

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2009, 09:51:35 PM »

Oh come on, there's no way I can resist that. ::(:
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Friday

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #23 on: September 25, 2009, 06:12:09 AM »

4. METAL BEAR?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUwcz8lyu6s

Thinking quickly, you hop inside the crate.

"WHAT IS THIS CRATE DOING HERE?!" says one of the bears.

"HMMM, JUST AN ORDINARY CARDBOARD CRATE," says the other.

"I FEEL ASLEEP," says the first, falling against the wall with a clang.

"WHOSE FOOTPRINTS ARE THESE?" says the other bear, following a set of tracks into a nearby storage room.

You scuttle forward.

Suddenly, the storage room door reopens, and the robot bear emerges.

!

You throw the crate aside and stand. "SURPRISE, COCKFAGS!"

*************************

1. You have been extensively trained in CQC.

2. This time, you've got twelve shots.

3. "RAWR!"
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Cthulhu-chan

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #24 on: September 25, 2009, 08:16:26 AM »

You do not engage a bear in hand-to-hand.  Especially not a robot bear.  ESPECIALLY if he's got friggin' lasers for hands.
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Friday

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #25 on: September 25, 2009, 09:54:47 AM »

I think you're underestimating just how extensive your training was.
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Cthulhu-chan

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2009, 10:12:00 AM »

I dunno, still don't think I want to chance the robot laser bear.
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Transportation

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #27 on: September 25, 2009, 12:17:37 PM »

We will phase them from solid to plasma.

EDIT: With gun twirling. FRIDAY YOU TRICKED ME.
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Friday

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #28 on: September 25, 2009, 01:43:58 PM »

2. This time, you've got twelve shots.

You twirl your blaster for like five minute straight. The bear regards you warily the entire time.

Finally, you put your weapon back in the holster hanging from the space utility han-solo-esque belt that is around your waist.

The bear lowers both of its paws.

A tumbleweed rolls by. The overhead lighting panels beat down on you like the midday sun in the middle of summer. A single bead of sweat rolls down from your brow.

Your paw twitches.

The bear blinks.

Close up of your face.

Close up of the bear.

Close up of your face from a different angle.

Close up of the bear's paws.

Close up of your gun, in it's holster.

Your face.

Bear.

Face.

Paws.

Gun.

Face.

Bear.

FACE

BEAR

PAWS

FACE!

Somewhere, the bell tolls!

BLA-BLAM!

Both of you stand, having fired near simultaneously. A blowing wind can be heard.

whooooooooooooosssssssssshhhhhh

Close up of your hand, holding the blaster pointed toward the bear. A line of blood runs down the arm, separating into twin waterfalls as it reaches the knuckle.

You go to one knee.

hisssssssssssssssssssssssss

Close up of the bear's face, just below the eyeline. His mouth is hanging open in a snarl.

Suddenly, his face twitches. The bear's body shudders.

Bzzzzpp. Bzzap. Bzzzzztttt.

Close up of the face again. Camera pans up to reveal that the bear has been shot in the left eye. Sparks flutter and sputter from the hole. Destroyed wires are visible.

The bear gives one final bzzzzzzzzzzzzt before toppling over.

"Urrgh," you say, pressing your paw to your shoulder where the bear's single shot impacted.

You manage to get to your feet. Er. Hind legs.

The door to the bridge opens with a hiss. You head inside.

The pilot bear turns to you with a look of surprise. "CRIMINAL SCUM!" he says.

You gun him down nonchalantly, and tie him up.

The central mainframe beeps and blips at you. You approach and access the control panel.

"Transfer all command functions to me; Rabbit," you say. "Command code: 12345."

"BZZZT. ERROR," It spits back at you. "CANNOT TRANSFER COMMAND FUNCTIONS TO SPACE CRIMINALS."

You put on your police hat and try again.

"COMMAND FUNCTION TRANSFER COMPLETE. HOW MAY I HELP YOU THIS DAY, SPACE POLICE RABBIT?"

"Locate CPE."

"CPE IS CURRENTLY IN... Bzzzt. ERROR. HAWAII?"

"Hawaii?" you echo.

"SENSORS MUST HAVE MALFUNCTIONED. MY APOLOGIES."

"Please, don't apologize. It's unseemly," a strange voice says from behind you.

You turn. Floating in mid-air is an extremely emaciated bear wearing a black bodysuit and a gas mask of some sort.

"Mmm. Hello, Rabbit. I am Psycho Bear, the captain of this vessel. I see you have defeated my defenses."

"Honestly, you should hire new defense system guys," you say smugly.

The floating bear merely chuckles. "Don't forget to give me your entire life story right before you die," he says.

"Let's do this," you say, pulling out your blaster.

"So... I see you like 'The Ends'?" the bear says.

"What wait huh WHAT?!" you reply.

The bear raises his arms and various chunks of machinery begin to float menacingly toward you.

***************************

1. Shoot the bear?

2. Dodge the bear?

3. Laser grenade the bear?
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Norondor

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #29 on: September 25, 2009, 01:45:27 PM »

4.
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McDohl

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #30 on: September 25, 2009, 01:50:55 PM »

4, plug the controller in to the second port, and take out the memory card so he can't see that we still have that old "The Mayor" save on it.  That makes him 20 times harder to defeat.
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Brentai

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #31 on: September 25, 2009, 01:55:29 PM »

Wait, no, hold on.  I got this one.
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Leon Belmont

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2009, 01:55:57 PM »

1
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Cthulhu-chan

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2009, 06:40:25 PM »

There is nothing I don't like about laser grenades.
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SCD

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #34 on: September 27, 2009, 03:14:30 PM »

Apparently there is nothing no one despises about laser grenades on Bears!
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Friday

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #35 on: December 30, 2009, 02:41:51 AM »

3. Laser grenade the bear!

Having finally figured out the puzzle (thanks mostly to the author posting a Christmas special in the CPE thread) you manage to think outside the proverbial box and lob a laser grenade at Psycho Bear.

"What is this? I can't... read... you!" the floating skinny bear gasps just before the grenade erupts into a scintillating scattering of light and sound.

"Nooooooooooooooooooo!" the bear screams as his body is engulfed in an explosion of light.

You stand up from behind the crate you were taking cover behind. "Looks like this bear..."

You put on a pair of shades.

"Got psyched out."

"Oh, god, that was horrible," says a voice from behind you.

You turn. Leaning against a wall is a weasel wearing a space visor and a cargo vest.

"Space Weasel!" you gasp.

"Me," he replies nonchalantly.

"Where, what... how have you been!?" you break into a grin.

"Oh, here and there," the weasel smiles back at you. "I got picked up on Rigula 4 for passing stolen kittens. You know me, always a rascal. Luckily then you came along and overrode the central computer, so I was able to escape my cell."

You nod. "So... you were watching me this whole time? Why didn't you help, you bastard!?"

"Oh, I figured you could handle him," Space Weasel replies.

"You bitch," you say, but with no rancor. "It's so good to see you."

"Same to you, you thief," Weasel replies, grinning a weaselly grin.

You walk forward to give him a hug, keeping one arm behind you, knife at the ready.

Weasel does the same.

As you close, both of you go for the stab at the same moment, and your blades connect in a quick burst of sparks. You both spin away, snarling.

"You're dead space meat!" you say.

"I fucking hate your guts!" Weasel replies.

WARNING. WARNING. comes the voice of the computer. COLLISION WITH SPACE ANOMALY IMMINENT. IMPACT IN THIRTY SECONDS.

"What the hell did you do, you incompetent bunny!?" snarls Weasel.

"I didn't do anything, you backstabbing vermin!" you reply, running over to the console.

Giving it a quick glance over, you determine the ship is being sucked into a black hole.

"A BLACK HOLE!?" Space Weasel says.

"How did that get here!?" you exclaim. "There isn't a black hole for light-years according to the map!"

"Hahahaha..."

You whirl. Weasel whirls.

"Did you really think I was dead?" asks Psycho Bear, floating above you, heavily melted and damaged from the grenade. "I hadn't given you my backstory yet."

"What did you do?" you demand.

"Oh, I simply used my powers to teleport the ship several million light-years away. Now there's no escape for any of you. Farewell, inferior rodents!"

And with that, Psycho Bear vanishes in a flash of green light.

"Good going, idiot," Weasel says.

"I don't see you doing anything to help!" you reply, frantically tapping thruster control. It's no use.

Suddenly, a trout appears in the holographic projector.

"Greetings, Rabbit," it says in an even voice.

"I don't have time for your idiotic dues ex machinas right now," you say, leaning as hard as you can on the control stick.

Weasel runs to the back of the room. "I might be able to override security protocols and eject the warp core! The explosion may just be enough to push us out of the gravity well!"

You turn to him and snarl. "You idiot! That won't work! You're just doing it because it was in Star Trek!"

Rainbow clears his holographic throat. "Mmmhmm. If I may offer a solution. Eject yourself into space."

You turn to him and raise an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah. You're a real fucking help," you say, as alarms blare.

"If you stay on board the ship, the massive gravity well will crush the metal and you inside it. But if you eject, then you will be pulled into a string of nano-molecules and be transported to... Hawaii."

Both you and Weasel stop what you're doing and stare at Rainbow for a full five seconds.

"He's bonkers, mate," Weasel says, having suddenly become British.

"I always knew there was something wrong with him," you add.

The fish vanishes. The two of you left on the bridge labor in vain to turn the ship around.

"This is worse than that time you bloody got us caught in the trash compactor!" Weasel yells at you.

"You idiot, that was your fault! If you had just followed my plan, we would have never ended up in the Sultan's harem!" you yell back, randomly pressing buttons as the alarms get louder.

"I've got it!" Weasel exclaims. "Ejecting the core!"

He triumphantly slams both paws down on the control panel.

OVERRIDE COMMAND ACCEPTED, the computer says in the sudden silence. EJECTING COMMAND BRIDGE INTO SPACE.

"Oh, you marvelous idiot," you say, before the air around you is sucked out into the vacuum of space.

*************************

You find yourself, impossibly, on a beach.

You groan and lift your head. Feeling something sticky on your back, you reach around and pull off a note.

Backstab x5 damage critical. You owe me one, mate.
-- Weasel


You frown, crumple the note and toss it away. Picking yourself up slowly, you look around your new location.

Soothing waves. Alabaster beach. A nearby palm tree loaded with coconuts. You appear to be in Hawaii.

"When I find that puppy, I'm going to murder him twice," you mutter.

Suddenly, you hear strange sounds, like explosions, in the distance.

You perk your ears.

"BAN

KAI!!!"


comes the unmistakable voice of the puppy.

***********************************

1. Pull out your own Bankai.

2. Go to a filler arc for several pages.

3. You refuse to be drawn into this nonsense. You have a perfectly good Space Police Blaster. Investigate the noise.
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Brentai

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #36 on: December 30, 2009, 02:55:42 PM »

THE FOLLOWING POST HAS NO CONNECTION WITH THE STORY IN PROGRESS.

2
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Cthulhu-chan

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #37 on: December 30, 2009, 09:41:06 PM »

I cannot resist!
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Friday

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #38 on: January 01, 2010, 06:25:18 AM »

2. Go to a filler arc for several pages.

"The puppy has attained Bankai already?" you wonder. "What an insolent whelp! I bet his Bankai isn't as good as mine, which doubles the weight of anything it cuts."

Suddenly, something incredibly dramatic happens, which makes you really want to see the next episode.

***********************

Meanwhile...

"Rabbit-sama! Rabbit-sama!" says the little girl breathlessly. "Some bullies have taken over our field and we challenged them to a soccer match! But we're hopelessly outnumbered and they're better than us and we need your help!"

"Sod off," you reply.

"And the Puppy is on their team!"

"WE SHALL BE VICTORIOUS," you reply.

You lope over to the field. The bullies are kicking the ball around and CPE is chasing it like a retard.

"Rabbit-Sama, but it's just the two of us! We need more players on our team!"

You nod. "Despite your annoying pigtails, I am forced to agree. I could perhaps deal with five of them, and you with one, but they still outnumber us by three. We are forced to get a ringer."

The little girl gasps. The bullies gasp. You gasp. CPE trips over his ears.

"Oh, get off it already," comes a bad British accent from behind you.

You turn to find Weasel, Rainbow, Former Gangbanger Kitty, GIANT ENEMY CRAB, The Fox, The Chicken, The Grain, The Boy who was making that snowman on top of that hill, The entire State of Hawaii, and Yoruichi standing on the sidelines.

*************************************

1. Take Weasel. That way you can keep an eye on him so he can't backstab you.

2. Take Rainbow. As a mystical shapeshifting trout, he should be useful.

3. Take Former Gangbanger Kitty, because he's so cute in those saggy pants.

4. Take GIANT ENEMY CRAB, because GIANT ENEMY CRAB.

5. Take the Fox, because if you leave him with the Chicken, he'll eat the Chicken.

6. Take the Chicken, so you can ride it.

7. Take the Grain, because it's the most boring option imaginable and therefore must secretly be the best.

8. Take the Boy, because he has mittens.

9. Take the entire State of Hawaii, because surely you cannot fail if an entire state is on your team.

10. Take Yoruichi, because her Bankai... actually hasn't been revealed yet. Wait. Does she even use her Zanpakuto? I think she was using it in her flashback. Does Shunko count as her Bankai? Wait. Is she going to play as a cat? Because we already have Former Gangbanger Kitty as an option. Hold on. Doesn't she like both Urahara and Soifon? So she's a bisexual? Who can change into a cat? And she's a ninja? Best character ever.
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Cthulhu-chan

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Re: The adventures of THAT RABBIT
« Reply #39 on: January 01, 2010, 12:17:39 PM »

GIANT ENEMY CRAB is best choice for defense!  Unless he's flashing red.  Or hit in his weak spot.

GIANT ENEMY CRAB.

Yoruichi otherwise, but only if as a cat.
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