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[Frocto]

Okay, I am going to try my absolute hardest to not troll here, BUT every time you call someone on intentionally trolling and they can't deny it, they must take a shot. List the worst five games you have ever played. Try to avoid obvious choices like Demonophobia, E.T. or World of Warcraft (that's a shot).

DO NOT POST IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO DEFEND YOUR CHOICES

Bioshock for making me lure a Big Daddy over to a respawn booth so I could save ammo by wrenching him to death. I died about 10 times for each Big Daddy, but there was no actual setback of any amount whatsoever sooooo... Also, there is something to be said about an FPS where you can stand in front of the final boss hitting him with a Wrench and soaking every attack, healing faster than you take damage.

Mondo Medicals for being the ultimate definition of a horseshit indy game that pulls a horseshit sad ending out of nowhere at the last moment, purely for the sake of having a sad ending. Fuck you, Cactus, you sack of horseshit.

Psychonauts for being one of the worst platformers I've ever played. People were playing an rpg in the next room, so I had the sound down low and couldn't hear the jokes. Is this why I don't like this game? I couldn't hear the jokes? Maybe a game shouldn't need to be funny to be considered worth playing.

Rez for my collector faggot friend (600+ games) looking at me with a mischievous glint in his eye and telling me had something special for a distinguished gamer with excellent taste like myself to try. (I wish I was joking about that, but this is the kind of guy who saw being a member of that Gamefaqs board that I forget the name of as a status symbol. He stopped being my friend shortly after) So he brings around this dogshit, dull as hell shooter with terrible graphics, no trance music and no gameplay and watches enraptured for about three seconds until I ask him if this is the whole game.

To be fair, I played the entire first two levels before I wrote it off completely.

The Path is a game where you win by getting raped. The only difference between this and Ryona games is that this is pretending it is doing something other than getting perverts hard.

Honourary mentions: Alien Soldier, Dragonlance: Heroes of the Lance, God of War, The Lion King.

As you can see, I am not a big fan of games that depend on their atmosphere.

[Niku]

cool troll thread

[TA]

To be fair, The Path is thoroughly terrible and Bioshock is mostly crappy.

[Norondor]

Fuck you, Cactus, you sack of horseshit.

quoted for ultimate truth of all human experience (cactus has never made a good game and never will; i truly hope he is kicked to death by a horse)

[Kazz]

Homeworld was pretty but the campaign had this retarded feature where you carried over the resources from previous missions into your next missions so if you didn't clear the map of asteroids (a long and tedious process that of course I didn't think to do) you can run into a totally unwinnable situation later on with no way to fix it.  Also the tactical gameplay itself was just horseshit.

Indigo Prophecy had a bunch of neat concepts but a godawful plot and spastic pacing and generally poor storytelling and asides that went nowhere and game-lengthening bullshit like the claustrophobic detective's breathing regulation in the archives holy shit what the fuck and also the game would have had a fine supernatural story if they'd just stuck to one magical serial killer but instead they fucking of course have to make it a story about you saving the fucking world from like five different evil conspiracies that will MAKE THE WORLD WAY TOO COLD UNLESS YOU GET THE MAGIC CHILD who they do not fucking explain whatsoever.  also the claustrophobic detective falls in love with the protagonist after knowing him for like 5 fucking minutes.

Max Payne because the best way to play was seriously to fucking slow-mo dive around instead of walking.  Slow-mo dive didn't eat up any of your bullet time so you could do it infinitely, so you end up fucking throwing yourself at the ground every few feet, shooting every motherfucker in the head on the way.  It was funny to do that but it was fucking stupid and also the story was a shit sandwich and the fucking blood-trail dream sequence jumping puzzles were probably the worst thing ever put into any fucking videogame ever.

Thief: The Dark Project was a game I really fucking wanted to like, and I played the first level of it like over and over because it was awesome, you sneaked past these guards and you were all over this city doing cool thief stuff and distracting people and putting out lights and like, being a clever thief guy.  And then they have like all these zombies and spiders and shit that were frankly made creepy by the terrible terrible terrible animations that they had for them, like, when you woke a zombie up it would just fucking stiffly sort of rotate from lying-down into standing-up and sometimes it would not even do a walking animation or make any noise until you got closer so it was extra fucking fucked-up to just have zombies popping into your face and then staring at you.  also they were fucking immune to the sword and also the normal guards might as well have been, you would not believe how many swordblows to the head it took to kill a motherfucker.  I quit and uninstalled this game once I saw a dinosaur, yes, a fucking dinosaur, walk past a tunnel I was in.  I was like "I did not sign up for dinosaurs.  This game was started by geniuses and finished by retards.  Goodbye."

Every Worms game after Worms 2 was a godawful fucking disaster.  The coolest thing about Worms 2 was a fully-featured and detailed weapons editor that you could use to make interesting shit happen.  After Worms 2 they took it completely fucking out and then refused to put it back despite popular demand.  They just came out and said "No, we're not going to put that back in," I remember reading that in an interview.  I don't know what the differences between Worms Armageddon and Worms World Party and all that shit was supposed to be, anyway, it was always the same backward technology BS that fucking didn't god damned work correctly and the online servers had fucking nobody on because the games were the same garbage over and over and half the time you got unlucky starting placement and half your worms got fucked right away.  Also they gradually kept making the ninja rope harder to use which is fucking retarded.  They had a neat game and just kept fucking ruining it year after year.

honorable mention: Advance Wars: Days of Ruin, fuck you for finally having an online play component and then not even letting the players pick the fucking map, half the time the map is some stupid fucking red-side-starts-with-7-cities-and-blue-starts-with-1 bullshit that is clearly intended for solo play and also fuck you for taking out the battle room and unlockable shop which was one of my favorite parts of the old game and fuck you for having a god damned awful campaign that, once again, launches itself into retardo-difficulty and making that campaign fucking necessary to unlock all the COs.

warcraft 3, god damn it i've written about this game before but fucking a, you should have either stuck with a hero-based game or made a decent RTS and not tried to fucking mix the two together.

civilization 4, 8 hour multiplayer games that you can't stop halfway through and that drag even worse if people have wars (which is half the game) are just plain bad fucking ideas.

every battlefield game (except BF:Vietnam) was fucking awful, you can't make an FPS and put most people on foot and then make the map retardo huge so that people have to hike around to objectives and then when they get near there they get shot and start over again because the damage model is "realistic".

samurai warriors, fuck you for castle levels, i forget what i hated about them but it involved a lack of healing items i think

animal crossing, fuck you, make a game with something to do besides fish for fuck's sake, even a "job" where you just play double simon for an hour would be better

defcon, you had a neat concept but you were very poorly fucking paced, either you set it so you had enough time to organize your fleets at the start and then the game dragged from then on, or you went too quickly for anything to be done right, and anyway the world map was unbalanced and there should have been more than one map for this game anyway

every zelda game, blow me i'm tired of you

every final fantasy game, fucking get over yourself

portal, fuck you for being 2 hours long, where's my fucking new puzzles you shitstains

okami, christ be quiet

left 4 dead and left 4 dead 2, fucking A you have a great engine here for tactics and communication, stop wasting it on zombies and make a real fucking tactics game, like a full spectrum warrior style FPS, the multiplayer would be killer

SHIT I FORGOT SPORE

FUCK YOU SPORE

YES YOU CAN MAKE WHATEVER CREATURE YOU LIKE... COSMETICALLY SPEAKING

BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY GAMEPLAY

SO YOU JUST FUCKING SUCK

I HATE YOU

[Norondor]

Indigo Prophecy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kw2pnkmYIhI

Can't wait for Heavy Rain, guys!

[Norondor]

Also my list is probably Spore five times in a row.

[Alex]

Every Worms game after Worms 2

I never personally had much of a beef with the newer Worms games.  I have a lot of fond memories of playing the original on my best friend's Playstation during birthday parties back when I was a kid as well as other fond memories of playing Worms Armageddon on his step-brother's Dreamcast years later.

Maybe it's just me having an easy time of rolling with the punches!  I dunno lol

every zelda game, blow me i'm tired of you

Yes.  I wish they'd do something to shake the formula up without resorting to shitty gimmicks like sailing or trains.

I'm honestly kind of surprised that Nintendo hasn't tried making a more traditional RPG with the franchise (hey maybe it would give all those side characters something to fucking do outside of being ineffectual) or something rather than just make each game progressively easier.

[Detonator]

Hey, Max Payn-QUICKLOAD

Hey, Max Payne wasn't-QUICKLOAD

Hey, Max Payne wasn't tha-QUICKLOAD

Hey, Max P-QUICKLOAD

Hey, Max Payne wasn't that badQUICKSAVE oh jesus finally

I agree with Frocto about Rez.  I even got to the hyped last level and wondered what all the fuss was about (PERFECT rating from 1up I believe, not that that means anything).

[Frocto]

Damn, I forgot Fathom.

[Miss Cat Ears]

Work Time Fun because oh my god it's just so bad, so terribly bad, and I can't stop playing it even though it isn't fun and I feel guilty

[Miss Cat Ears]

Oh and Animal Crossing, because I just kept playing and playing trying to find out what the point of the game was until someone informed me that there was no point, it's just a boring crappy game with a bunch of annoying animals 

[Mongrel]

Oh man hahaha, I remember Thief, the Dark Project.

It's just like Kazz said. You started out all cool, sneaking around actually trying to be a thief... for like five minutes. Then it was all like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

Also, I woulds like to give a thumbs-up to Die By The Sword. The idea was actually pretty damn cool: It was a stabby medieval FPS that promised truly interactive swordplay with an open swing system that let you actually block, parry, thrust, etc. however you wanted.

In a nutshell, you used the normal WADS for walking around, etc., and used the numberpad to swing your sword. A single tap, on say, 7 would give you a quick thrust to the upper left. Tapping 6 and then hitting 4, meant that you would pull back to the right and make a big horizontal swing to the left. You get the idea. The problem was that this interface just proved WAY TOO RIDICULOUS in practice and doing anything was almost impossibly unwieldy.

In the game's defense, the snide comments your trainer made during the tutorial levels were just about the funniest shit anybody bothered to put together for a training session. Too bad the game itself sucked.

[Lottel]

Sonic Unleashed- Why? Because half of the game is amazing. The Sonic part was fun, clever, and just want people want. A 2.5D Sonic game with the focus on running and jumping. The other half was the worst shit. The worst. Crappy Crash Bandicoot knock off with horrible controls and an overcomplicated game level system. The reason it is Bottom 5 is because it had so much promise. And then they give you this.

Every Final Fantasy Game- I still haven't found a numbered FF game that I enjoy playing. 9 was ok, 5 was alright, but they get lumped in here because the other games were just that bad. And Special mention to 7. I played this because everyone makes a big deal about it. I do not like the battle system. I couldn't stand the story. The characters WOULD be forgettable without all this this fanboyism. 

MORE TO COME WHEN I THINK OF SHITTY GAMES I ACTUALLY PLAYED

[Classic]

I'm suddenly trying to remember who the characters were... There was whiny blond... Giant tits? Umm, Cid... He was in there. Swinging bananas. Aeris.

[Bleck]

Assassin's Creed - I've been playing this for a bloody hour why haven't I assassinated anybody yet.

Halo 3 - Let's make all these cool unique weapons and then make it so that they're all useless because one of the default guns kills you in what, six hits? From almost any distance? Fuck you, Battle Rifle. Also because people who play it regularly have a tendency to be terrible people.

Spore - HNNRNNGH THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT 

System Shock 2 - This fucking game. It's all the things that make BioShock terrible except without all the awesome atmosphere that makes BioShock good.

Zelda: Spirit Tracks - Terrible because it's the first (non-CDi) Zelda game that is pretty bad. Control scheme is shitty, train is too fucking slow, the sidequests are all boring bullshit that involve the slow-ass fucking train and god damn it what the fuck do you mean I only have two keys I have been everywhere in this fucking temple for fucks sake aaaaaarhgghhrhgrhgh

[James Edward Smith]

I sort of want to defend Cactus a little even though I hate him a lot myself too. Well, that's not true. I hate his games*, not him.

Cactus is famous and beloved in the indie community for very simple but specific reasons that you have to understand.

The guy is 16 or 17 or something now and he's made about 50 games. He's prolific, he's not good.

His games often have really unorthadox graphical styles that actually look really cool for something that's usually just made in gamemaker or something similar.

His games usually have very unorthodox concepts that explore where video games can actually go and actually be, even if his forays into this new direction aren't actually very pleasing or clever to everyone. Cactus said once that video games don't have to be fun, can be serious, and can be made for adults and not children. Regardless of the fact that I hate most of his games, I can appreciate this idea that you can make games that are not meant to be enjoyed all the time, but that are just meant to express an idea or a feeling that can be pleasing or repulsive just like the works in any other sort of medium.

Cactus frequently says that he often makes games or puts things in games just to fuck with people or annoy them. He's pretty transparent about this and he's also some punk kid from Sweden. Basically if you play a Cactus game and then say, "Wow, what a dumb game, did he make that thing just to piss people off?" then you just answered your own question. This is why knowing what I do, I have never played any of the Mondo games and probably never will.

I think that culturally he's reasonably important as an artist (who uses game developement as his medium) for being one of the first people to really fuck around in the space the way he has with blatent disregard for any conventions or expectations.

However, I hate when he tries to make a normal game, which he admittedly seldomly does, and then it sucks (shotgun ninja is my big example here) and then people still eat it up and say it's a must play just because it's a Cactus game when it's just a really uninspired platformer with bad controls and primative game mechanics. I don't care if he made it in two days or a week or whatever, it still sucks.

*Actually, I liked Ping Pong and while I don't like it, I'm glad I was in the War exists because Kazz's LP of it was funny shit.

[Doom]

Assassin's Creed - I've been playing this for a bloody hour why haven't I assassinated anybody yet.

It doesn't get better very fast. Bal told me that some of the latter assassinations are great, but that was after I was about 3 of them into the game proper.

Assassin's Creed is however an excellent city-explorer platform. Collect all the Falcon Eyes, kids!

[Bleck]

I think that culturally he's reasonably important as an artist (who uses game developement as his medium) for being one of the first people to really fuck around in the space the way he has with blatent disregard for any conventions or expectations.

So he's the Jackson Pollock of videogames?

[Norondor]

Cactus said once that video games don't have to be fun

If you, as a game developer, intentionally make something unenjoyable, then you get a crippler crossface, i'm sorry, that's all there is to it