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Author Topic: Bottom 5  (Read 10823 times)

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Miss Cat Ears

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #80 on: February 09, 2010, 07:21:43 PM »

I was going to defend DK 64, because I played and enjoyed it, but then I realized the opinions of a 13 year old girl aren't worth defending. 
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Büge

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #81 on: February 09, 2010, 07:30:46 PM »

And anyone who does come to the defense of a 13-year-old girl is clearly a pedophile.
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yyler

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #82 on: February 09, 2010, 07:53:11 PM »

OK OK

Scribblenauts was mentioned, but I'm saying it again. Anyone who defends this piece of trash is a fucking moron and should not be allowed near a keyboard lest they type up more of their awful, terrible opinions for fools to read everywhere. The hype surrounding this game coupled with the destructively boring experience of actually playing it led me to completely stop reading the game news sites that touted its features as fun or interesting. This brings me down to 0 game news websites, and for once, my life is so much better without. Spore is another game like this. Even Spore's fucking infinite character creation tool thing was a piece of shit.

Dokapon Kingdom gets an award for actually being the only game I loudly swore off and became visibly mad about, due to the sheer level of bullshit and random chance that is supposed to account for the game's balancing feature. HERE IS A FUN FACT: Mario Party is an hour long coin flip and I'd rather just play that. At least that has bumper cars or some shit, right? Dokapon Kingdom is just a shitty NES RPG tacked onto a game board where you do shit all for several days before the game ends. Dear lord, fuck this game. Fuck it raw.

uhhh

Super Mario Bros 2--as in, the first one, not the Lost Levels. I don't know why anyone thinks pulling up turnips is fun or interesting, but it isn't. I don't know what else this game has to offer. I don't know if this is actual bottom five material but I sure as hell fucking hate it. It's so boring I'd rather study blank walls, and in fact, I have done that instead of watching this game.

Star Wars for the GameBoy. What the fuck do you do in this game? I came back to it again and again, over the course of years, and could never fucking figure it out.

Games where you are a space marine and you shoot aliens because that is fucking boring. Halo is the front runner in the genre. I don't understand the draw to shooting aliens with laser guns in a low gravity environment. These games are universally slow as shit and about as good.

Quest 64 for being a sack of garbage, is it possible to disagree

plus anything that depends on luck heavily
anything that artificially increases difficulty (eg Advance Wars DOR)
anything that has too many levels per section of the game to ensure we understand completely what we have been taught (i never finish these games)
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LaserBeing

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #83 on: February 09, 2010, 07:54:50 PM »

I feel like it's kind of cheating to include freeware indie games in this thread. That's like including webcomics in a list of the worst graphic novels, or Youtube in a list of the worst films. And anyway every list would basically just be everything Cactus has made followed by everything Tale of Tales has made followed by everything Jason Rohrer has made.
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Frocto

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #84 on: February 09, 2010, 07:57:06 PM »

I had a lot of fun LPING Scribblenauts. I imagine if I weren't lping it I would've been constantly frustrated by not being able to show the internet the cool things I was doing
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Miss Cat Ears

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #85 on: February 09, 2010, 08:04:56 PM »

I think your LPs of scribblenauts were the only potentially redeeming thing about the game

And the only time I really played it was when we were drunks and gluing wild animals to vehicles
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Kazz

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #86 on: February 09, 2010, 08:06:02 PM »

Scribblenauts suffers from the exact same problem Spore does:

DO ANYTHING YOU WANT! EXCEPT EVERYTHING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS BORING

perhaps the same could be said of all religions
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Mothra

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #87 on: February 09, 2010, 08:09:16 PM »

Halo is the front runner in the genre. I don't understand the draw to shooting aliens with laser guns in a low gravity environment. These games are universally slow as shit and about as good.

There's a very basic appeal to shooting up hideous aliens with modern-day weaponry and driving Aliens-ish military vehicles around. Blowing the bajesus out of these gay-ass glossy purple la-de-da flashy hi-tech things while doing donuts in a four-wheel drive jeep is not something I should have to really explain the draw of!

It looks real cool and you feel all macho and you get to see military toys in action
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MadMAxJr

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #88 on: February 09, 2010, 08:09:49 PM »

i traded my copy of Bully to Max for a copy of Makai Kingdom, because I really thought I could get into Makai Kingdom, I really really did

i miss Bully so much

You can have it back*.  I played it for 15 minutes.  Totally uninterested in it.

(*You have to pay shipping)
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Brentai

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #89 on: February 09, 2010, 08:15:17 PM »

As promised!

Dawn of Mana

May be unduly weighted because the memory is still fresh, but this is one of the few games I've played recently that are simply without any redeeming quality.  No, I take that back, the soundtrack is excellent.  ...hold on.

Dawn of Mana Samurai Legend Musashi

I honestly had to deliberate on which one of these were worse, because they're both equally atrocious messes.  Dawn of Mana is either better or worse for having a faint glimmer of something special buried under a mountain of bad ideas, but SML is just boring, bad, stupid, ugly, and not even fun to listen to (unless you can't get enough of amateur-hour voice acting).  I went with Dawn of Mana for mercilessly burying the dagger into the heart of a franchise already on life support, but at least I got a decent OST out of it.  Musashi gave me nothing and broke the fire button on my controller.

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Wild ARMs 2

Like most games on this list, WA2 is fun in the beginning.  For the first hour.  It's a 40 hour game.  The battle system is a terrible idea, the game balance is ridiculously broken (most of the game you can play with your eyes closed until you get to Kanon, who's powerful enough to one-shot most of your party... and there are a couple other bosses like that too, but completely at random and out of nowhere.)  The story was incomprehensible, the characters were bundles of character flaws loosely held together by generic anime designs, the graphics are enough to melt a Nazi's face off, the dungeon layouts are headache-inducing, the puzzles are gratuitous, and I just fucking hated every second of it.  Both my roommate and I played through and beat it as some sort of twisted "fuck you" to whoever made a game so deserving of being quit on halfway, and then in celebration squeezed limes directly into our eyes.

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Execution

You know some indie game had to make this list, and while Passage was tempting for being about as interactive as a hand buzzer and as poignant as a textbook, Execution deserves a special mention for being so...

Badly executed.

In case you're not familiar with it, Execution is a short little "game" (in the same way that clicking this link to view a graphical representation of my slow descent into asshole game journalism is a "game") which presents you with a dude tied to a post and the option to shoot the fucker with your mouse.  No explanation is given as to what this guy did to get tied to a post in the middle of a basement or why you're the one who's gotta Old Yeller his ass.  The "gimmick" is that if you go ahead and execute the only action available to you within the confines of the game rules, the guy dies and you lose, because KILLING VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS IS WRONG.  And if you reload the game and try again, HE'S STILL DEAD AND YOU STILL LOSE BECAUSE YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.  Literally, the game tells you that YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.  If you "do the right thing" though and just refuse to participate in this terrible attempt at a Milgram's Experiment, you get told in no uncertain terms that "YOU WON.  CONGRATULATIONS."  You have always the option of changing your mind, going back and killing the badly guy drawn forever though.

The point the author is trying to make here is about as subtle as when I forcefully ram my penis into my girlfriend's mouth, but it's utter bullshit.  First of all, the "right thing" to do in this case apparently involves taking the coward's route: putting the gun down, closing your eyes, walking away from it all and leaving the man tied to a post in the basement of whoever put him there in the first place.  There's no option to save the man, and this is where it really breaks down: attempting to do anything but leave the man's death on anybody's conscience but your own will get him killed and you chastised.  The first time I "played" the game, I spent some time clicking around, taking note of how the bullets fell in relation to the mouse, and then, very very carefully, tried to shoot the rope.  This didn't work of course.  The shot was spot on, but the game reacted by causing the man to erupt into fountains of blood all over his body and told me that MY ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.  There are only two choices in this game: actively be a dick, or be a dick via abject cowardice.  It's an extraordinarily liberal message.  And while it tries to prove that games can matter, what it ends up doing is demonstrating exactly why games are impossible to take seriously.

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Hydlide

Hydlide is a game so terminally dull, repetitive, obtuse, and bland that even the AVGN couldn't manage to care enough to really trash it.  Just take everything you hate about 8-bit NES games and put it in one box.  Cheap instant deaths?  Check.  Puzzles that don't even begin to follow any sort of logic?  Check.  An extremely irritating single BGM track that loops forever?  Oh hell god damn yes check.  Ripping hardcore off Dragon Warrior?  Double check.  Level grinding?  You literally can't leave the first screen without grinding check.  Waiting around for HP to refill?  Check.  A completely inexplicable "battle" system?  Just play it, check.  Poor inventory and menu systems?  Yep, yep, check.  Password system instead of battery backup?  Check.  And in the end, is there no actual ending?  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha yes check.  I have no idea why the fuck anybody would ever play Hydlide, except as some sort of "What never to do, ever, seriously this is objectively the worst game" case study.

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World of Warcraft

Am I trolling here?  Maybe a little.  But most games, no matter how bad they are, they really can't do much more than frustrate or disappoint you, maybe make you waste a bit of money.  No matter how well or how badly designed it is, a video game can't actually do anything to you that you don't let it.  Except one.

World of Warcraft will take your friends, seduce your family, decimate your love life and if you let it, it will imprison you.

Ignoring the question of whether or not it is really a good game (it really isn't), WoW is a game that can manage to frustrate you even if you don't play it.  Dare I say even especially if you don't play it.  When I meet someone I think can be a buddy, and I find out they're into WoW, at this point I just shake my head and walk away.  I don't want to be there when that person starts prioritizing dailies over their personal lives.  I don't want to have to compete with a group of forty giant talking cows for attention.

EverQuest may have started the trend, but EverQuest only mainly attracted douchebags.  World of Warcraft has taken perfectly good people, and it has ruined them.  You can defend the game all you want, but you know for a fact that this is true.  Everybody does.

If you can find some enjoyment from that game, and play it responsibly, then good for you.  On behalf of all those who can't, and who can't, I'm gonna have to say fuck World of Warcraft.
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yyler

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #90 on: February 09, 2010, 08:17:38 PM »

There's a very basic appeal to shooting up hideous aliens with modern-day weaponry while driving sweet-ass Aliens-ish military vehicles around. Blowing the bajesus out of these gay-ass glossy purple la-de-da flashy hi-tech things while doing donuts in a four-wheel drive jeep is not something I should have to really explain the draw of!

It looks real cool and you feel all macho and you get to see military toys in action
Don't think I haven't thought of this. I have actually asked myself why I don't like these games. I think the answer is that I prefer fast paced shooters with real weapons and real people more than shooting through shields or armor or whatever. I also can't take any joy in killing aliens, because (1) aliens are awesome and (2) how do I know it was actually hard to kill them? It's not very badass to dry out a jellyfish, if you get my meaning. (Mass Effect 2 is so far an exception to this because of some reason???)

I am also completely uninterested in the god damned army. The army is boring. We all have seen the army. So something like Call of Duty isn't fun either. It has to be something that brings something new to the table while retaining a basic level of real world attributes. It helps when a game has a definite atmosphere, too. It's a lot more interesting to shoot the combine in HL2 than it is to shoot the aliens in Halo because right away you know how and why they are bad. I ended up reading the plot summary of a Halo novelization on Wikipedia to understand the plot of the games after playing through it multiple times (completely sober! Don't think I was high or drunk or whatever!).

Basically, what I know (or think I know) about Killzone tells me I'd like it, but I have a dim impression of someone calling it bad so I won't ever play it.

Argument two: I'm a little girl who wants to play Bratz Pony Adventures 3
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Büge

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #91 on: February 09, 2010, 08:36:51 PM »

Let's take a look and see what Alex thinks about WoW!


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rootdown

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #92 on: February 09, 2010, 08:39:15 PM »

hey come to think of it I hated Pokemon too.  and I really wanted to like it, because hey, cute furry animals that I could readily draw into pornographic situations and thus become a deviantart superstar practically overnight*, and so I bought Pokemon Pearl and a copy of the strategy guide and dug in for weeks.

AND I COULD NOT CARE.  I tried so hard to figure out where the fun was hiding in this game and I couldn't find any. :(  I could totally see how 12-year-old me could just get lost in this game and grind and grind and grind my pokemon and be totally OCD about catchin' 'em all, but 30-year-old me with only a few hours outside of work to divide between family, recreation, and personal creative efforts could not find enough fun in this game to justify the commitment.  I was looking for a quick fling, and pokemon wanted more from me. :/

so that's two!  pokemon and team fortress 2.  Maybe by the end of the thread I'll have come up with a whole five games I wanted to like but was completely disappointed by!
*seriously, this one little bit of (g-rated!) fanart I did of Shinx and Magikarp remains my single most popular deviantart upload EVER

Alex

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #93 on: February 09, 2010, 08:41:30 PM »

Let's take a look and see what Alex thinks about WoW!



 :wuv: You know me too well, Buge. :suave:
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Mothra

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #94 on: February 09, 2010, 08:57:26 PM »

Don't think I haven't thought of this. I have actually asked myself why I don't like these games. I think the answer is that I prefer fast paced shooters with real weapons and real people more than shooting through shields or armor or whatever.

Well most shooters aren't as much fun because of this, yeah. Enemies and your own guy have this weird arbitrary force that makes combat play out completely different than it ever would in reality because the developers want you charging through each level screaming while dual-wielding uzis in BULLET TIME

Halo's got this BUT it's important to understand the basic appeal of the franchise is that (besides your guy) only the aliens have all the hi-tech shielding equipment and laser swords and FORCEFIELDS, and a big part of the gameplay is using dumb brute fucking bravado to drive your jeep into their meticulously-assembled encampment and smash their face in with the butt of your shotgun. Your guys are just The Regular Military against what you'd normally be fighting against in any given casual sci-fi FPS.

I dunno the brute force thing is kind of what's appealing about it. Maybe this comes from the countless crappy scifi movies where human defenses did nothing against alien invaders and you just sat there wishing you could see a dang apache helicopter blow the shit out of Gort AND BE DONE WITH IT BECAUSE U S A   U S A   U S A

I also can't take any joy in killing aliens, because (1) aliens are awesome and (2) how do I know it was actually hard to kill them? It's not very badass to dry out a jellyfish, if you get my meaning. (Mass Effect 2 is so far an exception to this because of some reason???)

THIS IS TRUE and actually a decent part of what made the sequels suck so much D was that they humanized the aliens into DEEP SAMURAI WARRIORS. In the first game they were just psycho religious fanatics, and man, something about religious fanatics and mercenaries and Nazis makes them the perfect guiltless disposable bodies

I am also completely uninterested in the god damned army. The army is boring. We all have seen the army. So something like Call of Duty isn't fun either. It has to be something that brings something new to the table while retaining a basic level of real world attributes.

I dunno I don't think I'm alone in having watched the Military channel or been to an air show and thought it simultaneously the coolest and most horrific thing I'd ever seen. We're just building up these huge piles of the coolest damn machines ever, yet the mere idea of actually using any of it against another living thing (like that fucking AC-130H monstrosity) is absolutely terrifying.

You kind of wish there was something big and blatantly evil and just ASKING FOR IT we would fire these things wildly at while screaming Predator quotes.

This is part of why I loved Cloverfield - the thing was just a big damn excuse to have a stealth fighter carpet bombing something and not have us feel like monsters. Parts are literally just watching people shoot a shitload of guns into the air.

Basically, what I know (or think I know) about Killzone tells me I'd like it, but I have a dim impression of someone calling it bad so I won't ever play it.

I'm a big fan of the heft and weight thing they were going for. Appently it sucks PRETTY HARD THOUGH. For some reason I think you'd love those Blomkamp Halo shorts the guy did before District 9 on account of it basically summing up the appeal of Halo without you actually needing to play the game.
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Mongrel

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #95 on: February 09, 2010, 09:06:42 PM »

Also, I don't really have it handy, but Starr once gave me an actual medical rundown on how the play reinforcement mechanisms are almost perfectly tailored to support addictive behaviour, as such is defined by the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual, 4th Edition.
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yyler

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #96 on: February 09, 2010, 09:08:28 PM »

I am also completely uninterested in the god damned army. The army is boring. We all have seen the army. So something like Call of Duty isn't fun either. It has to be something that brings something new to the table while retaining a basic level of real world attributes.

I dunno I don't think I'm alone in having watched the Military channel or been to an air show and thought it simultaneously the coolest and most horrific thing I'd ever seen. We're just building up these huge piles of the coolest damn machines ever, yet the mere idea of actually using any of it against another living thing (like that fucking AC-130H monstrosity) is absolutely terrifying.

You kind of wish there was something big and blatantly evil and just ASKING FOR IT we would fire these things wildly at while screaming Predator quotes.

This is part of why I loved Cloverfield - the thing was just a big damn excuse to have a stealth fighter carpet bombing something and not have us feel like monsters. Parts are literally just watching people shoot a shitload of guns into the air.
It's true that it's scary, which is definitely one of the reasons I like Cloverfield, but I just don't think that has ever translated well into a video game.

And also I can't say that I think brute forcing my way into an alien planet or w/e happens in Halo would actually ever work, ever, no matter what. It kind of bothers me even that the humans didn't die instantly to the Turians in the Mass Effect universe.

Anyway I think really really it boils down to me being a snob
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Mothra

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #97 on: February 09, 2010, 09:12:41 PM »

Well yeah, in an actual PAN GALACTIC WAR we'd just have giant rocks hurled at us from orbit and that would be that. The Halo idea is this conservative wet dream that by manning the fuck up to the Nth degree we will eventually win any conflict.

I hate to tell you this yyler but in reality basically any futuristic combat would be the most anticlimactic and least entertaining one-sided dick punch ever.
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Brentai

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #98 on: February 09, 2010, 09:14:47 PM »

And also I can't say that I think brute forcing my way into an alien planet or w/e happens in Halo would actually ever work, ever, no matter what. It kind of bothers me even that the humans didn't die instantly to the Turians in the Mass Effect universe.

As I understand it (having played the game barely past the first mission), humanity was about to start an all-out war that would have ended in basic annihilation for the entire race.  The Council basically stepped in before the shit could hit the fan and saved us from ourselves.
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yyler

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Re: Bottom 5
« Reply #99 on: February 09, 2010, 09:19:02 PM »

well anyway like i said i am a picky snob
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