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Author Topic: Bonding  (Read 2337 times)

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Mothra

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Bonding
« on: May 02, 2010, 12:24:13 PM »

This is a developing issue I keep running into.

I'll get to know someone relatively well, we'll talk on a number of things, maybe we'll get drunk a few times, everything's cool - I have made a new friend and they're fun to be around.

I live in a part of the city where everyone tends to know everyone else, at least a little bit. Around here everyone tends to work with everyone else, or sees everyone else during the course of their work (e.g. they work at Bagel Rising, they'll talk to everyone who comes in hungover Sunday morning). Inevitably, it seems, this person will have discussed everything of interest with their co-workers, and in a grab for new material, will start talking about me. When this happens, a series of opinions get put together about me that, to someone who's never met me, seem like the god's honest truth and not a dramatized pseudo-fictional retelling of something I said or implied.

I then get people I've never even met treating me not as another guy but this bizzaro character who kind of resembles me but has been taken to the extreme in a number of ways. Like if they were going to make me into a character on The O.C., that would be the dude they seem to legitimately think I am. I then have this fucking uphill battle ahead of me where I'm, I dunno, having to prove I'm the way I actually am and not this expectation.

This hasn't necessarily been an actual problem yet, but it kind of sucks knowing that whenever I say something or express an opinion or tell a story, it gets sexed up for TV and goes towards this semi-public understanding of me. I therefore have to keep my guard up and watch what I say, and restrain myself rather than enjoy myself, lest I suffer the consequences.

It would be pretty great if I could just say what I felt without having to think about how it might color a largely fictionalized reputation of me that people seem to regard as the truth.

I guess what bugs me is that it seems like a requirement of bonding with someone else is that you'll tell them the things you're not supposed to tell anyone. Now you're two peas in a SPECIAL SECRET POD telling each other exciting real-life stories (that have been exaggerated and warped into an engaging narrative for the sake of Good Times) and developing this mutual true-enough semi-bullshit understanding of the people around you.

It just sucks that as a result of people wanting to talk about real life stuff on a daily basis, it colors your reputation outside of your control and you have to keep you guard up. I realize I should either (1) not give a shit about people like this or (2) actively be out there being myself and proving the image false, but it seems fundamentally retarded that I need to do anything about this. It's like I'm being given the option of either playing this game or letting this go unchecked.

EDIT: I suppose I should mention that I notice this more with girls than guys, but it still happens with both
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Brentai

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2010, 12:38:44 PM »

That's why people tend to keep their social, professional, private, and internet lives separate.

You're going to build a certain kind of reputation in each, but as long as you can manage them and make sure they don't bleed into each other, you'll be okay.
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Mothra

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2010, 12:46:43 PM »

I'm generally the same guy on all fronts, or at least I try to be. Is this uncommon? It seems like more work than it's worth to be four different people.

WHO HAS THE TIME
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Miss Cat Ears

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2010, 12:58:39 PM »

I don't do a whole lot of socializing with work people.  That is separate for me.

For IRL, I tend to bust into different social groups, hand-pick one or two people that fit with me, and leave everyone else behind a few months later.  So I end up with a big group of miscellaneous friends who don't spend a lot of time together unless it's something I coordinate.

But on the other hand, if these people that are talking about you bother you that much, at least it's a good test for who you want to be friends with and who you don't.




Making friends with girls is hard because I always feel like I'm asking someone on a date.  My Greek friend says she feels the same way when making American friends, but it was much more natural in Greece.  Who knows.
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Shinra

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2010, 01:01:27 PM »

If you guys can make friends at all anymore, rad times, because this is basically completely impossible for me. I can call my coworkers "friends", but taking that outside of the workplace seems impossible, and outside of work I can't seem to talk to anyone I don't actually live with.


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Niku

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2010, 01:41:59 PM »

I'm generally the same guy on all fronts, or at least I try to be. Is this uncommon? It seems like more work than it's worth to be four different people.

WHO HAS THE TIME

i dunno i am something like five or six people at this point and i am doin' okay
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SCD

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2010, 01:59:35 PM »

A police chief in Victoria BC just retired.  His Mantra was "either you can focus on the drama, or on the work.

Everyone else who lacks friends:  volunteer for stuff you like.  I've gone from a complete shift in location dynamics, and 0 friends in the new city that I live in up to 4 people I hang around within a span of a year.  it works.
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Envy

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2010, 02:27:29 PM »

I generally try to keep irl friends away from internet friends. Sometimes I could be friends with someone at work but I generally wouldnt wanna hang out with someone. It's just a job and your getting paid to do that not socialize. I understand it's quite hard balancing alot of friends and some even get pissed off if you choose to hang out with one over the other.

 Hell alot of my friends diddnt have time to hang out with others till I set up a street fighter night and we had like 15 people here with all similar interest.


On the people talking behind your back about you to people who have no Idea. (I think this is what your saying.) Really confront those people about it or just stop telling them personal things unless you know you can trust them.
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patito

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2010, 03:27:50 PM »

i dunno i am something like five or six people at this point and i am doin' okay

That's because you have two dinners and god knows how many breakfasts and lunches every day.
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Brentai

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2010, 03:50:05 PM »

GOTTA KEEP MY MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES FED

WHAT I JUST SAID
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Mongrel

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2010, 04:58:01 PM »

I met my wife on the internets and spend more time with her than any do any other living being by at least a factor of two, soooooooo....


... actually, I don't really have any clue what kind of conclusion anyone's supposed to draw from that. :shrug:
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Büge

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2010, 07:12:56 PM »

I try to be as much I am on the internet in real life, and vice-versa. It does get difficult at times, seeing as how I'm not out with everyone...
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Niku

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2010, 08:07:48 PM »

i would love to meet my future wife on the internet if only every person who i became utterly charmed by wasn't already taken or a man :(
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Mongrel

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2010, 08:23:43 PM »

She kind of clubbed me over the head and took me home.
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Royal☭

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #14 on: May 03, 2010, 04:24:00 AM »

i would love to meet my future wife on the internet if only every person who i became utterly charmed by wasn't already taken or a man :(

God, damn, we're working on legalizing you marrying Frocto geez drop it already.

Niku

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #15 on: May 03, 2010, 08:34:33 AM »

FROCTO IS TECHNICALLY A MAN OKAY THAT COUNTS
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the asshole you hate

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2010, 02:29:24 PM »

You know how eloH is actually pretty cool but a little ahead of the drug experiment curve of this community and so he became satan? I call that the rule of eloH: No publicity is bad publicity. Sure, there are tons of people on these boards who don't give eloH the time of day, but the people who really matter are socially aware enough to know that someone so infamous must have some kind of charisma or something working for him. Being infamous and being famous are nearly identical.

Unless your problem is you don't WANT to be (in)famous. If you seek a low profile but can't find one, you're just boned. It means people are generally more boring than you seem to be and won't leave you alone until you melt down or rise above their expectations.

If it were me I'd let my legend grow as it pleased. With no really detrimental, specific examples given I can't say you need damage control at all.
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Joxam

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #17 on: May 04, 2010, 10:54:50 PM »

I generally try to be the best person I can be at all times, simply because I decided a while ago (actually not that long ago, at early 20s) that I DID give a fuck what people thought about me and that I'd rather they think as much good about me as can be. I do not try and separate my work friends with my real life friends or my internet friends, because I genuinely try to be as friendly as I can at all times in every aspect of friendships that I cultivate. I consider all of these types of 'friendships' to be the same because I treat the people involved in them with the same admiration and respect.

Also, on your note about work, kabbage. The only thing I have to say about friendship at work is that it is actually a hell of an icebreaker for friendships by and large. I know and am friends with people who probably wouldn't give me (or I them) the time of day would I not have had to spend 9 hours a day with them for years and years. This thought when I first had it, caused me to look introspectively at myself and to change, if only slightly, the way I perceived the people around me.
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Classic

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #18 on: May 05, 2010, 06:35:52 AM »

I'm too batshit insane to handle multiple personalities.

Or rather, I have them, but they don't bother to figure out when they're useful to have around. So everybody knows me as that over-earnest guy who's naive and kind of stupid and has multiple personality disorder.
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Beat Bandit

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #19 on: May 05, 2010, 06:23:24 PM »

I've been doing the multiple personality thing most of my life.

I moved around a bunch when I was younger so it wasn't really hard to ditch and pick up new groups of friends, and the same went for online. My personality is kind of perfect for it since I have a habit of stealing phrases, mannerism, and even taste in music and stuff from people I hang around so I generally end up "fitting in" to groups well enough pretty quickly.

Recently I decided I actually missed some of the people I had basically completely lost contact with both in for-realz life and online, so I signed up for Facebook and even added some of you fuckers there. Both still seeing people I knew in high school pretty regularly and being a part of this community for years has been kind of a weird switch, but I think in the end it's given me a smaller group of more tight-knit friends, as opposed to previously being able to go pretty much anywhere and kind of knowing a pretty decent group.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having different groups you keep separate, it gives you a good chance to mingle with all sorts of people, but there are definitely benefits to always being generally the same and knowing anyone that gets along with that streamlined personality will at least be able to put up with basically anyone else you hang out with.
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