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Author Topic: Bonding  (Read 2336 times)

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Mothra

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2010, 04:10:03 PM »

You know how eloH is actually pretty cool but a little ahead of the drug experiment curve of this community and so he became satan? I call that the rule of eloH: No publicity is bad publicity. Sure, there are tons of people on these boards who don't give eloH the time of day, but the people who really matter are socially aware enough to know that someone so infamous must have some kind of charisma or something working for him. Being infamous and being famous are nearly identical.

Eloh was before my time but I think a lot of it was the fact that takin' phat bong ripz was a bigger part of his identity at the time than it probably should've. Folks who identify with one drug group or another are almost always trying to prove something and/or obnoxious fuckers. Again, I've never talked to the guy directly but who else do you think was going to happen when you put a guy like that up against a group of dudes talking about vidcons? NO COMMON GROUND

Unless your problem is you don't WANT to be (in)famous. If you seek a low profile but can't find one, you're just boned. It means people are generally more boring than you seem to be and won't leave you alone until you melt down or rise above their expectations.

If it were me I'd let my legend grow as it pleased. With no really detrimental, specific examples given I can't say you need damage control at all.

My problem isn't at all that I want less known about it. I mean, I'd rather people not talk about me when they're bored at work, but I never do anything I would be ashamed of. Either you're doing what you want to be doing or you're trying to be something you're not.

The issue is that I suddenly need to actively make sure my reputation is true to who I actually am, and not some amalgamation of secondhand assumptions becoming thirdhand facts. I wouldn't need to worry about a thing if I was hitting up the local bars on the regular again and talking to folks - being seen and heard more - but it's stupid that I am indirectly forced to do so simply because I don't want people getting the wrong idea about me.

Folks like simple, straight-to-the-point stories. They don't like ambiguity or loose ends or unresolved plot threads. If you don't give them what they want, they fill it in themselves, and then you've got this false expectation that colors the opinions of people you haven't met. Suddenly, I can't meet certain people on the level - they've positioned themselves apart from or above me, and it's annoying that I need to undo that. I should be out there because I want to, not because I have to.

I wish I could give a concrete example, but I honestly don't know what's being said. I haven't done anything pretty much period in this scene while I was in college, so now that I've graduated and putting myself out there again, it's more work than it should be. I just notice people I don't really know being standoffish and awkward until I put some work in and get a decent conversation going. It sucks entering into these relationships on unequal terms by no fault of my own, by way of someone else's actions, simply because they were bored.

Again, this isn't close to something I need to deal with right now, I just hate how I can't live around a social group like this without somehow becoming part of it. It's this control/comfort thing I'm noticing, this need for people to have an opinion on everyone and everything. A semi-recurring face with no story is unacceptable, and further, ambiguity is unacceptable. My initial reaction is just to say that it's their problem, not mine, but people believe what they hear, even if it's said with a pinch of salt. I'm left with this bullshit choice to either play this game or lose it.

I-IS THIS THE COLORED MAN'S LAMENT?!?!
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Miss Cat Ears

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2010, 05:26:03 PM »

 :tldr:
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Mothra

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #22 on: May 10, 2010, 06:00:20 PM »

tl;dr: I-IS THIS THE COLORED MAN'S LAMENT?!?!
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jsnlxndrlv

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #23 on: May 10, 2010, 08:35:17 PM »

I guess what bugs me is that it seems like a requirement of bonding with someone else is that you'll tell them the things you're not supposed to tell anyone. Now you're two peas in a SPECIAL SECRET POD telling each other exciting real-life stories (that have been exaggerated and warped into an engaging narrative for the sake of Good Times) and developing this mutual true-enough semi-bullshit understanding of the people around you.

It just sucks that as a result of people wanting to talk about real life stuff on a daily basis, it colors your reputation outside of your control and you have to keep you guard up. I realize I should either (1) not give a shit about people like this or (2) actively be out there being myself and proving the image false, but it seems fundamentally retarded that I need to do anything about this. It's like I'm being given the option of either playing this game or letting this go unchecked.

I wish I could give a concrete example, but I honestly don't know what's being said. I haven't done anything pretty much period in this scene while I was in college, so now that I've graduated and putting myself out there again, it's more work than it should be. I just notice people I don't really know being standoffish and awkward until I put some work in and get a decent conversation going. It sucks entering into these relationships on unequal terms by no fault of my own, by way of someone else's actions, simply because they were bored.

Again, this isn't close to something I need to deal with right now, I just hate how I can't live around a social group like this without somehow becoming part of it. It's this control/comfort thing I'm noticing, this need for people to have an opinion on everyone and everything. A semi-recurring face with no story is unacceptable, and further, ambiguity is unacceptable. My initial reaction is just to say that it's their problem, not mine, but people believe what they hear, even if it's said with a pinch of salt. I'm left with this bullshit choice to either play this game or lose it.

I-IS THIS THE COLORED MAN'S LAMENT?!?!

You've pointed your alternatives out already: you either need to stop being so goddamn interesting when you're having your special sharing times, or you need to stop caring about your rep. I think the latter would probably work better for you, based on how general and abstract your examples have been. Things are "more work than they should be." People are "standoffish and awkward." You might have an easier time brushing those thoughts aside as a consequence of age and circumstance than you'd have trying to change the way you interact with the people you relate to.

I appreciate your plight, but the situation's not one I'd ever find myself in. Even the idea of bonding by sharing personal history is antithetical to the way I form friendships. My reputation is based as much on my being standoffish and awkward as on being widely-read, enthusiastic, and occasionally over-achieving at half a dozen different pointless pursuits. I would never consciously try to incorporate myself into a specific social scene; I don't start conversations. And yet as a 28-year-old loserish asshole, I still have more friends than I can actually afford to spend significant time with. I suspect that you might find my lifestyle socially starving, though.
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Thad

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2010, 08:50:46 PM »

You know how eloH is actually pretty cool but a little ahead of the drug experiment curve of this community and so he became satan? I call that the rule of eloH: No publicity is bad publicity. Sure, there are tons of people on these boards who don't give eloH the time of day, but the people who really matter are socially aware enough to know that someone so infamous must have some kind of charisma or something working for him. Being infamous and being famous are nearly identical.

Guild: finding ways of making "acting like a prick to get attention" sound positive since 2001.
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Mothra

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Re: Bonding
« Reply #25 on: May 10, 2010, 09:37:34 PM »

You've pointed your alternatives out already: you either need to stop being so goddamn interesting when you're having your special sharing times, or you need to stop caring about your rep.

The thought of limiting myself or subduing my character for this sake of, hell, politics, seems absurd and frankly downright offensive. Why should I let this affect me any more than it unavoidably has? What would doing so be saying, or rather, allowing?

The latter is the best course of action, but it's still not a solution.

I appreciate your plight, but the situation's not one I'd ever find myself in. Even the idea of bonding by sharing personal history is antithetical to the way I form friendships. My reputation is based as much on my being standoffish and awkward as on being widely-read, enthusiastic, and occasionally over-achieving at half a dozen different pointless pursuits. I would never consciously try to incorporate myself into a specific social scene; I don't start conversations. And yet as a 28-year-old loserish asshole, I still have more friends than I can actually afford to spend significant time with. I suspect that you might find my lifestyle socially starving, though.

Alright well first off, you're one of the cooler internet folk I've known, Newbie. Firmly in that Reverend Ragu tier, which is about as far apart from loserish asshole as people I've never face-to-face met get*. I have little doubt if we ever met in real life it would be dang good times.

On never starting conversations, it's something I've been working on myself. I'm fucking great at moving them around and keeping them afloat when they're out there, but something about the work involved in leading conversation is just unappealing.

That said, the alternative of letting people talk about whatever they want is not really a decent option in my eyes. It seems weirdly unfair, leaving them with the sole burden of keeping up the energy of the conversation, of leading this thing. Yes, people like to talk about themselves, but they miss out on some of the most intriguing bits of a good exchange - finding out the answer, hearing a story they don't know the ending to, learning something they didn't expect, etc. The unexpected tends to be what makes a good talk, and that's absent when the conversation centers only around what they already know.

On a more selfish note, talking about something you honest-to-god give a shit about is thrilling. The talk is something that gets you riled in a way that witnessing second hand - be it their story, or watching two others talk (or one simulated on TV) - simply doesn't. When you're not directly involved, working towards some point or observation or perspective, there's a distance between you and the energy of the talk that subdues it all. Living it is just way more exciting than witnessing it.

So yes, starving in a way. It just seems pointless to limit myself to witnessing it when living it just takes practice.

*It's worth noting that Ragu gets as self-loathing as they come sometimes. And if THAT dude thinks he's a loserish asshole, I mean, somebody's flat-out wrong there.
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