Some of you may remember me talking recently about how I would be gone/away for surgeries. It's not a secret, exactly. I've been talking about my shit in #finalfight since it started. I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Cancer is common as shit, after all, and Melanomas especially.
I know you guys are probably curious about this now, so I guess I'll give you the short lulzy version.
1. Mom, what's this thing on my back I noticed getting out of the shower?
2. Go to dermatologist.
3. "ahahaha yeah you're not leaving we're taking that thing out of you right now. HAVE SOME LOCAL ANESTHETIC AND LASERS DO YOU ENJOY SMELLING YOUR OWN MELTED FLESH? Y/B"
4. btw we are referring you to a specialist
5. "oh hey we have to cut into your back again, deeper this time, because the first LASER FLESH MELT did not get all of it. also i don't like that other mole up near your shoulder blade, so we're getting that out too."
6. oh shit general anesthesia
7. "looks good! you are in the 95% totally fine bracket."
8. "whoops lol looks like you rolled a 1, lol, cause you got cancer cells in your bod hun!"
9. OH SHIT ROUND THREE FIGHT
10. "hey friday you don't need the sense of touch in your armpit right SLICE THAT MOTHERFUCKER OPEN SEVERING THE NERVE TO REMOVE YOUR LYMPH NODE"
11. PATHOLOGY REPORT CLEAN MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE NOW 80% FINE 20% CHANCE OF RELAPSE BECAUSE WE CAN NEVER BE SURE WITH CANCER LOL
12. "hey doc i can't move my arm also i am totally high on Vicodin right now" "GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS IN FACT DO NOT COLLECT MONEY FROM NOW ON BASICALLY ENJOY YOUR BILLS"
13. "hey uh doc it's been months and PT fucking sucks and hurts so goddamn much and I still can't move my arm all the way" "yeah you've lost somewhere between 15-20% of your mobility mostly because of scar tissue SUCKS MOTHERFUCKER WHATCHA GONNA DO FOURTH SURGERY TO REMOVE SCAR TISSUE? Y/B BTW SOMETIMES IT COMES RIGHT THE FUCK BACK ALSO HIDEOUSLY EXPENSIVE"
14. fuck cut myself shaving my pits again LUCKILY I CAN'T FEEL THE PAIN
15. man this huge fucking scar on my back is so sexy!
16. Man I sure am weaning myself off pain killers good OH GOD IT HURTS GIVE ME THE PILLS
17. HAVEN'T PLAYED STARCRAFT IN MONTHS TIME FOR A ROCKY TRAINING MONTAGE
18. EYE OF THE TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGER
19. BACK IN PLATINUM LEAGUE, MOTHERFUCKERS
20. clean as of latest check up, next check up in a few months
*credits*
p.s. you are now paranoid about all moles forever the end