This was an interesting one because while the earlier iterations of the dream were just that I was the character involved, I kept "waking up" (false awakenings don't usually happen to me) and I was variously trying to write this dream down (oh noes, maybe I am still dreaming right now!) or dreamed that this was a movie I'd seen and was trying to tell Starr about it, because she was sick and didn't go out to the theatre with me. Anyway, that all resulted in my retaining quite a lot about this particular dream.
The story concerned a cheerful serial adventure hero, sort of like an amateur James Bond, only set currently. Very much a modern sort of pulp hero. He was a German with some Italian heritage in his early 30's, an adventurer with a little money (but not wealthy - essentially he just didn't have to worry where his next meal was coming from, even though he didn't have a steady job) who was clearly educated and could speak multiple languages; in the dream he used German and English and knew a little Italian. He looked a little like Peter O'Toole, but with a less-skinny face - very much that "ideal Nazi" sort of face & build. I think there may be a different actor I had in mind for the face of but for the life of me I can't remember... maybe young Kevin Kline Peter O'Toole's blonde hair and very blue eyes? Sort of a cross between the two? His name was either Anton and he had a friend he would see from time to time named Jurgen (the kind of friend with bad get-rich-quick schemes), or he was named Jurgen and had a friend named Anton. I'll call him Anton, because I'm like 60% sure that was the name. I think the last name started with a K and was something like Kleist or Kneispel (pretty sure it was Kleist).
It was almost sort of a modern, European Rockford Files, with a hero just a little younger and a little less cynical and more cheerful, if that makes any sense at all.
Anyway, one of the ongoing series gags was that Anton looked like such a Nazi, but kept fighting neo-nazis. At the beginning you got the sort of "OUR LAST EPISODE" summary/montage, showing that the adventure preceding the one I had/watched, Anton had been near Kiel, hunting down a bunch of neo-nazis who'd obtained or built three pocket submarines and were going to troll European shipping with them for ransom money so they could pay for more neo-nazi activity. He got the first one using a dingy old trawler, caught the second while it was docked by using his brains to find the Secret Neo-Nazi Dock and then used the second submarine to hunt the third one down in a sweet sub duel.
Eager to rest, Anton decides he's going to take a break. He's just starting a holiday in England when he spots some SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY in a Tesco parking lot. I don't remember quite so much of this part of the dream, but I think he recognizes a known villain or old thug-foe or something. Whoever it is, this adventure features a lesser foe and is I guess a "lighter" episode in the series. Anton starts following the thugs, eventually discovering A New Plot (this one not involving neo-Nazis). Anton winds up tracking the no-goodniks to Norway, where he discovers they're planning some sort of operation to take place on board a Norwegian cruise ship doing ten-day Baltic cruises (counterclockwise around the Baltic - Oslo -> Copenhagen -> Gdansk -> Klaipeda -> Riga -> Tallinn -> Helsinki -> Copenhagen -> Oslo). One of the gags was that the ship was named something really boring like "Tour boat" or whatever, but that the Norwegian name was really long and had tons of 'ø's in it.
Anton has to get on board the ship. Fortunately he uses his past naval experience and cons his way on board by pretending to be a Norwegian officer (I forget what, I think maybe the purser). The episode's biggest running gag is that while Anton knows several languages, he knows no Norwegian at all and finds various excuses to only speak English the whole time. There are some English tourists on board, which comes up on one or two occasions. Later on he "confesses" to a sympathetic officer that he has been "away from Norway since he was a child" so his Norwegian is really poor and is embarrassed about this, so that officer helps cover for him, adding to the comedy.
As the adventure progresses, Anton roams around the cruise ship trying to figure out where the bad guys are hiding out, while being accosted by passengers he can't blow off, partially because that would blow his cover but also because he's a nice guy and most of the passengers are grumbly little old ladies and such. After about four days, he thinks he's figured out the bad guys are hiding in this bigger cheap cabin where the passengers haven't come out (ordering in food, etc.). He manages to find a way to look into the room, only to discover it's his old buddy and sometimes accomplice Jurgen, and his gang (about eight guys total, most of whom have also worked with Anton before). This time, I'm not sure what they're doing but I think they tell Anton they're smuggling some sort of military-grade machinery (with a really long-winded explanation) to Estonia, he scolds them and collects the parts, telling them to knock off their nonsense and he'll get them government rewards instead if they help him search the ship for the real criminals. I think the gag was that they knew Anton's a goody-two-shoes and that they'd already spotted him on board, so they were ready for him. The machine parts are all just old medical machine parts they grabbed to have something to give up - they're actually smuggling a couple of cubic feet of Dutch weed and detail two of their number to get off at Tallinn when Anton's not looking to complete the deal as planned. In the meantime they still help Anton, and they all comb the ship to look for the real bad guys.
As they search the ship, they begin to discover traces showing a plan to hijack the ship and rob the passengers but still can't find where the gang is hiding. They come back to the idea of tracing food, hoping the gang is stealing food or otherwise don't have food supplies of their own. They figure out that a steward is one of the gang and is making sure the gang is fed, but don't know which one. They start watching all the stewards, but since Anton set up a nine-person watch schedule and the two assholes slipped away at Tallinn the day before (the sixth day), the other members of Jurgen's gang are falling asleep while trying to cover for their buddies' absence. The stewards are not properly watched and of course the one that's in with the bad guys passes unnoticed.
Anton meets with Jurgen and his gang again on the morning of the eighth day (the ship has left Helsinki yesterday and will stop in Stockholm for midday & the afternoon), to try and come up with a different idea when the bad guys finally break into action, rounding up the passengers and most of the crew in the dining hall, which is a big two-story room at the centre of the ship (the upper area is basically a wide balcony with room for a perimeter of tables around the outside). There are about two dozen crooks. Eight keep the passengers under guard and systematically pilfer their valuables, another dozen rifle through cabins, and the remaining four guard the few crew required to keep the ship moving.
Anton, Jurgen, and Jurgen's gang break into action, first taking out the four guys guarding the crew. At this point they find out that a large speedboat stolen from Gotland is on the way to meet up with the crooks so they can escape to the European mainland. The freed crew then systematically help out by closing off parts of the ship and radioing for help. Next, they hit the guys going through the cabins, taking them down two at a time. At one point one of the crooks is taken out by one of Jurgen's gang using a large plasticized fish pulled off the wall to use as a bat. Finally, they lure the remaining guys out of the dining hall with a fake distress call. Two guys stay to guard the passengers, while the thug boss and five other guys rush towards the cabins. Anton and Jurgen capture five of them, but of course the thug boss suspected a trap and rushes back to the dining room to try and grab hostages so he can try to get away. The whole thing ends in an obligatory dramatic shootout in the dining hall. The Swedish police then arrive, having already stopped the getaway boat.
Congratulations are in order all round. Jurgen asks Anton whet he's going to do now, and Anton replies that he's going to learn a new language. Jurgen asks if he's going to learn Norwegian, but Anton replies, no, he's going to learn Portuguese, because this time he's going to try and take his vacation in the Azores. Jurgen then disappears quickly, telling Anton to be sure to send the reward money to "the usual place". The last shot is Anton just starting to wonder why he hasn't seen two of Jurgen's men in days.
