Can you use AutoHotkey to map ctrl+mousewheel to whatever the fuck the default binding is, when Browser X is the application in focus?
Well, appears there's a Linux port; maybe I'll try it out.
Arora: looks like it's almost what I want; it's missing session management tools but at least appears more stable than rekonq. It doesn't use favicons, which makes it tough to navigate a large number of tabs, and there inexplicably seems to be no way to display a bookmarks pane on the lefthand side of the window.
Epiphany: No right-click for adblock, no way to display a bookmarks pane -- the documentation says you're supposed to just look at bookmarks as you type things into the location bar, which of course serves as a nice reminder of GNOME's "we will cram our UI philosophy down your goddamn throat" approach.
EDIT: Midori looks promising; it hides a lot of shit in places I wouldn't expect it, which is exacerbated by the fact that Kubuntu seems to be missing half the goddamn icons for it for some damn reason, but everything that didn't do what I wanted it to out of the box appears to be configurable. May stick with this one for a little while...
I had you figured for the kind of guy who has his shit backed up as a matter of course. This is a little disappointing.
The vital, cannot-lose shit is backed up. The kinda-wanna-keep-this-but-wouldn't-cry-if-I-lost-it stuff isn't. Also, who the hell are you?