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Just play normally, with a party of godlike twinked-out characters. Explain the game's underpinnings at length.

2 (7.7%)

Use your random-named mooks the whole time -- No named story characters!

4 (15.4%)

Use just story characters, and no random-named mooks.

1 (3.8%)

Use random-named mooks and story characters, but take votes on how to spec each one. Fail utterly thanks to troll votes.

3 (11.5%)

Monster challenge: use recruitable monsters and Ramza in a support role. Explain monsters at length.

9 (34.6%)

Dumb As a Rock challenge: Spec characters however, but set them to only use AI on every battle!

5 (19.2%)

Single-character challenge: use only Ramza!

2 (7.7%)

Total Members Voted: 14

[R^2]

haha wait what is this








That made... almost no sense. But the swirling lights and zodiac symbols were awfully pretty. Let's NEW GAME


Hullo, Arazlam.

Wait, shouldn't you be Alazlam what is going on?

Well see, the original translation of Final Fantasy Tactics was... kind of awful. Really awful. So I'm playing with a patch that pastes the PSP rerelease's script (or something like it) over the original game. It's a bit pretentious but at least it's understandable. You can't tell from the opening cinematic because apparently FMVs aren't included in the translation patch. But that's okay!

Anyway.

Yeppers.
It was a bitter war of succession that rent the land of Ivalice in two. Here we first find mention of Delita Heiral, a theretofore unknown young man, the hero would would draw the curtain on this dark act of our history.
His is a heroism of great renown --  a story familiar to all who dwell within our land.
Ah, but what the eye sees is oftentimes a mere fragment of the truth.


There was another young man, the youngest of House Beoulve, long famed for producing leaders of knights and men.

Female knights and regular men, I suppose.

There is no official record of the role he played on history's stage.
However, according to the Durai Papers, the existence of which became known to the public only this last year -- they had long lain concealed in Church archives -- this forgotten young man is in fact the true hero.


With dat ass, who wouldn't be incited to unrest? I know my peace is disturbed, if you know what I mean.

Which account is to be believed?
Join me in my search to uncover the answer.
Ah, but before we begin, might I ask you to share with me your name and the date of your birth?


That's my name, don't wear it out.


Lazy answer.

And so our story begins!

[R^2]

Ivalice looks kind of dismal.


But it's just predawn, I guess.








As the opening credits roll, we see a helmeted, unidentifable young man on a chocobo...




...and his merry band.











As the opening cinematic stretches on for just a hair longer than it really should, the group arrives at a small stone tower. Could this be our leader of lady knights and men?

[R^2]

Um... why must she hurry? What's the rush? Can't a lady pray in peace?

Suddenly, a bunch of swordsmen storm into the chapel!


Agrias: Gaffgarion, you forget yourself, ser! You are in the presence of the princess!


Gaffgarion: You would do well to waste less time on idle pleasantries.
Agrias: I see even the noble Order of the Northern Sky cannot rid itself of vulgar knaves.
Gaffgarion, applying some salve to that sick burn: A guard captain in these rain-sodden hinterlands ought not expect chivalry. We are in employ of the Order, not of it. Our pay does not cover trite courtesies to the likes of you.
Agrias: Govern your tongue!


Priest: The Father watch over you, child.
Princess Ovelia: And you, Elder.

And then, a wounded knight (a lady knight!) stumbles into the chapel!






Priest: Duke Goltana's men?
Agrias leaves, off to handle some fucking business.
Gaffgarion: We are paid for this. Time to earn our keep.


Gaffgarion: Right then. To battle!
All the mercenaries leave, so that only a princess, a priest, and a wounded knight remain.

[R^2]

We start with a sweeping view of the rainy hinterland church, swinging around the not-at-all-important back door and harbor...


Before finding Agrias scoffing at the enemy's forthrightness.
Agrias: Does he mean to start a war?
Knight: You there, wench! You cannot hope to defeat us! You will surrender the princess! If not... Well, I would hate to see anything happen to that pretty face of yours.

Oh. You'll never lead lady knights with that kind of talk, mister. I guess the opening cinema showed the enemy party, and not our intrepid-but-forgotten hero.


Gaffgarion lays down some pre-battle smack talk.

Agrias: In that case, we should be able to handle this without you, Gaffgarion.
Gaffgarion: Mayhap you could, but there's no money to be made in that! Ladd! R2! With me!



But as soon as the battle starts: more smack talk!


Agrias: You would have us slaughter them? Are you mad? Kill them here and you'll have played into Duke Goltanna's hands! We need only put them to rout!
Gaffgarion: I find dead men rout more easily.

And then Gaffgarion brings the fucking thunder




And so does Agrias!



While the rest of us... um... throw rocks and stuff.



Shortly, the enemy is brutally murdered routed.

[R^2]

A scream! From inside the church this time!










FALCON


PAWWNCH! The princess folds up with a sigh...




...then the knight in golden armor loads her onto a chocobo.




Don't blame him. Blame yourself or God.


The knight then absconds with the princess!




...the banner of Duke Goltanna?

And then... flashback!

[R^2]

The loss of the Fifty Years' War saw knights returning from the front stripped of livelihood, their fealty to the Crown and nobility abandoned. Many became rogues and traitors, men donning the thief's cloak and plotting treason against the Crown.
s t r i p p e d  o f  l i v e l i h o o d ...
It was a time of great unrest for Ivalice -- murder and theft were commonplace. Many were the young adventurer and mage who stepped forward to counter this threat. Of such, the city of Gariland, too, saw its share...


The Royal Military Akademy at Gariland






R2: I'm listening.
Delita: I think Duke Larg is coming to Gariland.
R2: Duke Larg? Why?
Delita: Not just the duke. The marquis Elmdore de Limberry, too.
R2: That's the first I've heard of it. This has not the sound of a state visit.
Delita: All of Ivalice is in turmoil. The Order's supposed to be keeping things under control, but the fact is, they number too few.
R2: And they mean to bolster their numbers with us?


A knight enters and takes the stage.


Knight of the Order: As I'm sure you're already aware, the number of brigands roaming Gallionne is on the rise. Among them, the Corpse Brigade... a seditious lot with a grudge against the Crown. Rogues such as they must be dealt with. The Order has been commanded to undertake an operation to eliminate the Brigade -- an operation of grand scale. We will not be acting alone. The Order will be joined by, among others, His Excellency Duke Larg's royal guard, stationed at Eagrose. This will leave Eagrose Castle undermanned. Your task will be to proceed there, and...
R2: Bolster their numbers with us! Totally called it!
KotO...support us from the rear by bolstering its defenses.

Another knight enters! I really like how she walks up, spreads her arms in explanation, and gets a custom speech balloon that's never used again.



KotOThe time to take up arms is upon you, young apprentices! I've just received word that a band of thieves routed by our knights flees here to Gariland, seeking refuge. You will move to stop them, and finish the task of our brothers. You, young apprentices, will accompany us. This is but a squall before the storm of battle. Prepare yourselves at once! Dismissed!
R2: He got all that from a string of dots?


Okay so! Final Fantasy Tactics has been done to death really, so with the prelude over with and the first battle starting, I leave it up to you all: how am I going to play through the game? Polling is open, multiple votes allowed, I'll proceed with the game after an undefined time for voting has passed.

[Niku]

why would you rig the poll like that when you're a pokemon master r^2

[Disposable Ninja]

I voted for Random Mooks and Monsters. Troops of your own design only!

[R^2]

To Invite* them is my real test, to Train them is my cause.

* - Catch is a Thief ability.

[TA]

Ramza as Mediator, everything else is always monsters.

[Brentai]

That's definitely the PSP translation, although some of the regular cutscenes were replaced with (completely different) FMV so they sort of winged it with the lines there.  No "Tis your birth and faith that wrong you, not I!" (Yes, we get an explicit "just don't blame me" in that version.)

[R^2]

By a pretty wide margin, it's obvious I will never outlive my legacy as a Pokemon trainer. So let's get started on this first battle!



Problem: We don't have any monsters yet. It's just me and Delita.

Which is a problem, as we'll see shortly.


Rogue: All right, lads! Cut through these ones and we're good as fled! We'll make quick work of them! And don't be leaving no squealers behind, either!

This battle is against four Squires and a Chemist. The Chemist is the real problem, as he has an infinite supply of Potions. And we don't. Thanks to the lack of a pre-battle party setup, we can't use items at all. The only healing ability we have is Chant, which sacrifices some HP from the user to heal the target. Delita and I have to drop each foe in turn, or the Chemist restores about as much HP to them as we can crank out in a turn between us.

Also, Delita is computer-controlled, so I have to manipulate his AI as much as I do the enemy's.

One turn in, Delita chimes in with a helpful tip!


R2: Don't patronize me, Delita! We Beoulves know our way around a battlefield.
Rogue: Beoulve, was it? Heir to the noble House Beoulve, I'd wager. Looks like we have ourselves some apprentices from the Akademy! Well, highborn moppets is still moppets!



Jury's still out on whether I like this better than the original, corny "Surrender or die in obscurity!" Makes a passable thread title, though.

Rogue: And you mean to make us do that, then? You're in far over your little heads!





Looking good so far!



But the lack of healing eventually whittles down Ramza's HP...



And Delita's soon follows.



Crippled but not dead. Restart.



Fuck.



Awright.



Fuck.



You can tell how desperate we are here. I'm actually using Chant.



Fuck.

So let's try this a different way.


GIVE ME YOUR SOULS

See, when someone dies in Final Fantasy Tactics, you have three turns to revive them before the corpse vanishes from the battlefield and the character dies permanently. Sometimes they drop a treasure chest with an item inside, and sometimes they drop a crystal that can either restore your HP/MP on the spot or teach you the abilities that character knew in life.

So I'm going to let my own squad clean up the thieves, then murder them for their abilities. Maybe it'll only let me learn how to use potions and a couple dumb/cheap Squire job skills, but a skill point saved is a skill point earned -- especially since I'm diving straight for one of the more advanced classes right off.


Ramza: Why do you persist in such folly?

Which didn't work, due to a timely critical hit dropping the last rogue to 0 HP instead of critical status as planned.

Oh well, who wanted to watch me redo the first battle thirty times to luck into a victory anyway? (Don't answer that.)


On to Eagrose, via the Mandalia plains I guess.

[R^2]

But before we go!



Ramza jobchanges to Chemist. His armor remains the same, but now he's equipped with a mythril dagger instead of a longsword. Which, due to the quality of the dagger, gives him the same weapon attack power! Whee.

Also he can use healing items now, with his Mettle skill (and the newly earned Tailwind ability) as his secondary. On to Mandalia!

...or not. Time to flashback this flashback!







Zalbaag: We will be able to recall our forces in Zeltennia anon. All goes as planned, Lord Father. Be not troubled.


Dycedarg: He has agreed to your proposal, Lord Father.
Barbaneth: Good. Very... good. Then the war will die with me.


Zalbaag: Where is R2? He should be here at your side!
Barbaneth: Dycedarg, Zalbaag. You are dear to me. (Even though I gave you those ridiculous names.) But R2 is no less so. Though he be not the issue of the womb that bore you, my sons, still my blood courses through his veins. Watch after him.

stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp SLAM

Dycedarg: You forget yourself, R2.

Seriously dude your dad's dying try not to make so much goddamn noise

Barbaneth: You have come. Good. Let me... let me look once more on your face.
R2: Lord Father...
Barbaneth: How long has it been? You've grown into a... a fine young man. I would hear of your studies. You've been at the Akademy since... since spring, is it?
R2: ...
Barbaneth: Hear me, R2. For generations, we Beoulves have stood foremost of those who serve the Crown. Ours is the soul of the knight. Become a knight worthy of your name. Tolerate no injustice. Stray not from the true path. You will know the path you must walk. A Beoulve can... can walk no other...
R2: I will not fail you, father.
Barbaneth: Your friend, Delita. He is a good boy. He is lowborn, but he can serve you well. I've made arrangements for him to enter the Akademy. *chuckle* You should have seen the look on the headmaster's face. In the years ahead you will need someone whom you can trust. You could do far worse than Delita.
R2: As... as you say, father.


Ramza moves closer to Barbaneth and embraces him.
Barbaneth: And show these brothers of yours what it is... what it is to be a knight...


And with that, Barbaneth breathes his last.

Hell of a checklist.
- Become a true knight
- Tolerate no injustice
- Stray not from the true path
- Trust Delita
- Take care of sister
- Show brothers what knighthood means

Okay off to Mandalia now for real.

[R^2]

Upon arriving at Mandalia, we find a group of bandits surrounding a young Aryan man.


First Highwayman: Right, then. Your luck's run out, knave, if you ever had any.

As a group they all turn.





Choice time! The first option gives you +10 Bravery for this fight (and +2 for the rest of Chapter 1) and makes the goal "Defeat all enemies". The second makes the goal "Save Argath!" with no benefit.

Since we're greatly outnumbered and there's no way Argath is going to survive this, we're going with the first option.


Delita: You would stand by and watch as they kill an innocent?
R2: I hadn't planned on giving them the chance. Had you?
Delita: I would save him myself, if it came to that.

Hah. Remember those words, Delita.

Upon Argath's first turn:

Argath then attacks!

So, this battle is two Squires and a Chemist against a handful of other Squires, a Thief (without any Thief abilities) and a Red Panther, the first monster we've seen so far. So how do I win?


I stand in the corner and let Delita and Argath fight their best. As story NPCs, they are immune to the 3-turn time limit upon running out of HP. They'll be fine.
I use Tailwind over and over. This makes me faster, giving me more turns as the battle goes on and the effects stack up.


The neat thing about pumping up my Speed is that it factors into the attack power of Dagger-type weapons, so I'm also pumping up my damage output. These guys have 30-40 HP each; this is me oneshotting the red panther to end the battle.



I guess I've been referring to him by name prematurely. Oh well.

Delita: A knight, you say?
Argath: Well, truth be told, I am a knight apprentice... as are you, if I'm not far mistaken.
R2: A fellow knight-in-training, then. I am R2 Belouve, and this is Delita Heiral, my trusted friend.


Argath is taken aback!

Argath: What fantastic luck! A blessing in the midst of disaster!


Argath: They took him hostage, yes, but he still lives! We must act quickly if he is to remain so. Should he be killed, I will lose everything...

So will the Marquis, you selfish prick.

Argath: You simply -must- help me! Please! I beg you!
Delita: Calm yourself. Who's to say your marquis is to be killed, anyway? The Corpse Brigade would not take a man alive save there were value in keeping him so. Of that you can be sure.
R2: There's little the three of us can do to help, in any case. If the marquis was taken hostage, Eagrose will be in an uproar. You can be sure of that, too.
Delita: Then before all else we will report in to Eagrose. Are we agreed?
Argath: Agreed. We'll start there.

[R^2]

Welp, I'm done as a Chemist, I think. All that Tailwinding gave me a lot of job points to buy Chemist abilities.


This will keep me alive for most of Chapter 1.


And this one will be useful later, I suspect.


Yep.

Upon arriving at Eagrose:

Dycedarg: They sing your praises from on high. You do honor to our name, my brother -- and to me.
R2: I am glad.
Dycedarg: Oh? You would not seem it.
R2: I am -- forgive me. Your words do me far more honor than I have done you. No doubt word has already reached you, but the marquis de Limberry's carriage was waylaid, and the marquis taken. What have you a mind to do?
Dycedarg: I have already asked Zalbaag to dispatch a squad in pursuit. These brigands must eventually come forth to demand ransom -- that is, assuming the marquis yet lives.

Argath leaps to his feet!


Dycedarg just stares.

Argath: Please, my lord -- grant me means to avenge my fallen friends!
Dycedarg: Mayhap your ears fail you. I said that a squad is to be dispatched. You are not a man of Gallionne. Leave her affairs to those of us who are.
Argath: B-but... my lord!
Dycedarg: Do not assume to beg favors of me! Let me remind you, Argath, lest you forget your place. You are but another sword, not yet even knighted.

Argath slumps back into his seat, defeated. Dycedarg turns back to R2 and Delita.

Dycedarg: The two of you will remain here at Eagrose, and serve among the castle guard. You needn't worry. Danger is not like to visit these walls.

Well, that's good to know. I'm sure everyone will be safe as long as we all stay here and do as we're told.

[R^2]

In Eagrose's courtyard/fountain/aqueduct/whereverthefuck guards go when they're not a-guardin':



Argath picks up a stone and tosses it into the water, a nice little piece of animation I completely failed to screencap.

Argath: At least, until my grandfather was captured during the war. He turned traitor, thinking to buy his freedom with the lives of his friends. But his freedom scarce outlived his honor. He was not a dozen paces out their gate when the dagger found his back. Killed by some common squire, no more a knight than I. One of the men he betrayed later escaped and spread word of his misdeeds. My lord father would have none of it, of course. But he was the only one. Our bannermen deserted us, our reputation ruined. I suppose I had best remember my place. Your lord brother has no reason to lend ear to pleas from the likes of me.

R2 and Delita turn like they, quite appropriately, give zero fucks about Argath's life story.






Uncle Bill! Jody! Buffy! Mr. French! Mrs. Beasley! Chief! McCloud!


Enter Zalbaag, with the ladies.


R2: It's been some time, hasn't it, Zalbaag?

Dude that is straight up ice cold ignoring your sister like that.

Zalbaag: I heard about Gariland. They say you made short work of those brigands. Now you've truly the right to call yourself a Beoulve. Father would be proud.
R2: Thank you, Lord Brother.
Zalbaag: Ha! You certainly haven't changed. Gods forbid you show a bit of cheer on being praised! And you, Delita! Do not think word of your deeds escapes our ears. Your sister's been so full of pride I quite feared she might burst!


Tietra: Yes, the others have all been quite kind to me.
Zalbaag: Would that we could speak at greater leisure, but there are duties that require my attendance. Rogues do not catch themselves.
R2: I understand. Good luck.

Zalbaag turns to leave... but one more thing...

Argath: What?!
Zalbaag: Something about it sits unwell with me. They are anarchists to be sure, bent on bringing down the aristocracy. But they fancy themselves righteous, and prey only on the nobility and those in our employ. Would such as they truly kidnap the marquis for want of coin?
Argath: Why wouldn't they? They're naught but common footpads!
Zalbaag: One of the men I planted among them has not returned. I worry he may be caught up in something serious, but there are those who do not think some mere spy worth a search party's efforts.

I can only imagine Zalbaag delivers these lines through heavily waggling eyebrows.

R2: Where was he last known to be?

And we fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

Zalbaag: A merchant city named Dorter in eastern Gallionne. Guarding a castle grows dreadfully dull... wouldn't you agree?

Zalbaag leaves, his hints dropped with all the subtlety and grace of a rockslide.


Tietra: Don't worry about me -- just take care of yourself.

Delita and Tietra embrace.





R2: What do you mean?
Alma: She has a hard time of it at school. The others tease her for being lowborn. Forgive me, I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sure you have worries enough of your own. Tietra will be all right. I'm here to look after her.
R2: Then there is naught to worry about. But mind your own limits. You can't be responsible for everything.
Alma: Says the brother who never fails to do any and all that is expected of him. Don't lose sight of yourself, R2. You needn't let your life be ruled by the fact you were born a Beoulve.
R2: You're right. I really should stay here and guard the castle like I'm ordered instead of running around rescuing spies and shit.
R2: Now you're starting to sound like Mother. Ha ha ha!

And then he leaves.

[R^2]

I jobchange to White Mage, reequip, and continue to Mandalia Plains to cross back through Gariland to Dorter. On the way, a random encounter! And like a moron I savestate right at the beginning, so the only way through is to fight my way out. As a White Mage. Alone.

The enemy party, not screencapped for some damn reason, is three Red Panthers and a Chocobo.


So I back into a corner where only one monster can approach me at a time and Tailwind myself a couple dozen times. Since I have limited MP and no access to items, my healing is limited -- Auto-Potion makes this fight winnable.

Another problem is that monsters counterattack when struck, and counterattacks don't trigger other counters -- so it'd be a free hit on me that Auto-Potion doesn't heal. So rather than club the guys over the head with my staff...


I throw rocks at them. It takes a while, but with enough Tailwinds I get enough turns before they get any actions that I can bludgeon them to death with stones before they track me down and kill me. The Chocobo, with its healing abilities, is the first target.


bonk

Needless to say that took so damn long I also got all the White Mage skills I needed. On to the Siedge Weald, as a Mystic.

On the way...

Delita: Some of us prefer fiends in a wood to a dull watch in castle garrets, Argath.
Argath: And some of us are not so quick to jape in danger's face.

Two bombs, three goblins, and a red panther close in.


Have at you!



Guess how I win this one!


The battle's already won by this point anyway, but this tiny island is a safe spot. Red Panthers have no ranged attacks, and cannot enter any water -- including the little creek running through this forest. Not that you can tell from the picture that it's water, it's just as green as the surrounding undergrowth.

[R^2]

Jobchange to... Orator!


And buy my first and primary skill: Entice lets me convince an enemy to turn traitor, joining my party controlled by the AI. Should they survive the battle, I can add them to my roster as a permanent, controllable party member. Let the Monster Party begin!

Back to Mandalia!

Chocobo!


Red Panther!


Goblin!


Other Chocobo, not that you can tell because I took the screencap at the wrong time!

My new allies:








Oh, and something that can be done with monsters but not people...

Feel free to suggest names for my new homies! Granted, they'll be replaced before too long, but still, the option is there.

[R^2]

The Yellow Chocobo

Chocobos are large flightless birds, but you knew that if you've played any Final Fantasy game in the past couple of decades.

Chocobos are move 6 and jump 5. If a human ends the movement section of their turn in the Chocobo's square, they begin riding it -- giving the human those move abilities, but the Chocobo no longer gets actions of its own. In this case, only the rider takes any damage from attacks. If he dies, he falls off, and the Chocobo acts on its own again.

Chocobos can swim in water (no matter how deep, water is treated as depth 1; removing the inability to act in water of depth 2 or deeper). They have an innate counterattack, like most monsters.

A Chocobo has two native attacks: Choco Beak and Choco Cure. Choco Beak is their standard attack, doing damage based on the Chocobo's physical attack power. Choco Cure recovers HP to all adjacent allies and the Chocobo itself, based on the Chocobo's magic attack power. Yellow Chocobos have better HP growth than other breeds, but worse evasion.

Given their healing ability, I'll probably have a yellow Chocobo with me for most of the game.

[R^2]

Goblin

Goblin's lives are nasty, brutish, and short. So are they.

Goblins are move and jump 3. They're not very fast, don't move very far, and don't hit very hard.

Goblins can enter water, but cannot swim particularly well. They're as disabled by deep water as humans are. They have an innate ability to counterattack.

Goblins have two innate attacks: Tackle and Eye Gouge. Both are based on the Goblin's physical attack power, although only Tackle does damage. Eye Gouge causes blindness to one target and is kind of useless -- much like the goblin as a whole.

Goblins have an innate weakness to ice.