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[James Edward Smith]

Saw this last night with the little woman, her husband and his girlfriend.

This was me as soon as the credits rolled,

"WOOF!.... Jeeze LOU-WEEZE... *laughing for a while* You fell off Scott."

This movie... this movie.

Micheal Fastbender plays the only character in it who doesn't blow donkey ass but nothing he or anyone else ever does in the movie makes any sense or isn't retarded. It's hard to watch a movie where everything every character ever says or does makes no sense and is logically broken.

It was like Phantom Menace but more chartoonishly dumb. I was reminded of Deep Blue Sea, have you ever seen the movie Deep Blue Sea? It was a really forgettable, dumb horror movie with LL Cool J in it I think. Remove all the cool "Alien" setting and concepts and Deep Blue see is a less stupid movie than this plotwise and characters wise.

There's a cool concept there, the synopsis of the movie would read cool, but the movie, blows. It just can't tell a story. The completely horrible and batshit characters ruin the whole thing and the pacing is just.... ugh... so many problems. When nothing anyone is doing seems justifiably motivated by anything or just plain make any FUCKING SENSE and yet stuff is happening so fast that there's no time for any tension... it really makes for a terrible movie. Also there's the fact that every character except maybe one person is a completely nonsensical character, a cartoon character, or a complete asshole for no justifiable reason, and you just care about nothing. Any time a character died in this thing I would just say in my mind or out loud sometimes,

"...GOOD... GOOD, die you stupid asshole."

I don't want to spoil anything, this is a really light and pretty meaningless spoil but none the less, tags for those who don't want any plot point known to them.

[spoiler]So they run into some dead Space Jockey corpses from 2000 years earlier and the geologist and the biologist - who I was calling Slyvester and Tweety for the whole movie because they were too cartoon characters who were never developed and just spouted really hammy over the top cliche lines and their motivations and actions never made any fucking sense - they decide they are gonna leave, their going back to the ship because FUCK THIS, I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS. Ugh. So they leave, some stuff happens and then the crew is called back to the ship because a storm is coming that will fuck them if they are out in it.

Well, for some reason, the two guys who leaf earlier, are still in the pyramid after everyone else who left after them got out when told to. Oh AND I guess they never heard on the radio that they were supposed to leave too I guess? Well anyway, that makes no sense, but the movie makes out that they got LOST. "Weren't we JUST here before?" the one guy says etc etc. They got LOST? The one guy is the guy who sent out the mapper drones... you just... YOU WHERE JUST ALL FOLLOWING HIM IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE! He was all like "Follow me, I made mapper things map this place. I know the way, follow me!" Now he's lost? Okay, why?

So two guys are stranded in the dangerous and spooky pyramid over night now. Okay, whatever they can breath in there. THEN EVERYONE ON THE SHIP DECIDES TO GO TO SLEEP OR FUCK SOMEONE THAT NIGHT... WHAT? There's two guys stranded in a spooky alien pyramid with crazy shit in it, in fact the captain like... makes JOKE I guess about how one of the droids has found a lifeform or something... Is this supposed to be funny? Why? What is GOING ON, MOVIE? Why does no one care about these guys' safety? Is this ship crewed by children? Why is every character acting like a 5-year-old? If you don't care about these to guys, why should I? What is the point of them being in this movie and getting killed? Like you already introduced the one guy as being a totally annoying asshole and the other as a moron. WHAT WAS THE POINT? Why are they in this movie and why does no one else on the story give a FUCK about them?![/spoiler]

[Mongrel]

I have... not been hearing good reviews about this from other people either. 

This does not bode well.

[Büge]

Saw this last night with the little woman, her husband and his girlfriend.

Uh....

What?

[Mongrel]

Maybe it's one of those "the divorce is pending" situations?

Either that or Geo belongs to way more interesting clubs than any of us do.

[JDigital]

The least realistic things in the whole movie:

[spoiler]How can a woman walk or run immediately after abdominal surgery?

How do you play a six-hole pennywhistle with one hand?
[/spoiler]

[Misha]

oh god everything geothermal said was horrifically right. the movie was SO fucking stupid. holy shit why in the fucking universe would you [spoiler]reach out to touch the fucking tentacle[/spoiler]

[Büge]

Because... it happened in The Abyss?

[Ziiro]

This movie is so stupid, I agree with Geo.

[James Edward Smith]

oh god everything geothermal said was horrifically right. the movie was SO fucking stupid. holy shit why in the fucking universe would you [spoiler]reach out to touch the fucking tentacle[/spoiler]

I was like stunned into silence by how painfully insulting that scene was.

There's so much in that movie where it's like... I almost have to assume it was intentional, that they wrote it as a comedy.

[spoiler]Like why the fuck balls is the dipshit who's mean to the android constantly for NO REASON, why the hell is he acting like a fucking baby when the get there and it looks like the space jockeys have been dead for a long time. "Now we'll never get our answers. We came all this way and we'll never get our answers. Wah wah wah"

...
...
...

YOU'RE A FUCKING ARCHELOGIST!
*turns around to face the audience behind him*
HE'S A FUCKING ARCHELOGIST! WHY THE TITTY FUCKING CHRIST IS HE CRYING ABOUT FINDING A PLANET FILLED WITH RUINS OF FUCKING ALIENS HE WAS TRYING TO PROVE EXISTED. Damn, if only there was something we could learn from researching and investigating all this stuff they left behind, then maybe we could get some answers but just like all the archaeology digs we did that ended up with us KNOWING TO EVEN COME TO THIS FUCKING PLANET IN THE FIRST PLACE there's just nothing to be learned here. No from any of these corpses or vase things or all these old computers or any of it. WE WILL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE SPACE JOCKEYS BECAUSE THEY LEFT NO EVIDENCE OR INFORMATION... except for you know, AT LEAST a 4 pyramids filled with experiments and technology and god knows what else.

...

The godamn opening scene is him and cunt-bag finding cave paintings done by LONG DEAD cavemen in scotland and he seems pretty PLEASED AS FUCKING PUNCH ABOUT THOSE! He's all laughing and kissing and happy. But a WHOLE PLANET FILLED WITH ARTIFACTS shows up and now he's a big bitchy baby?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON. WHO WROTE THIS PILE OF NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT. I mean, to add insult to injury, THERE IS ACTUALLY A LIVE SPACE JOCKEY THERE. You just had to do some fucking WORK and look around for like 2 seconds and you would have found him, you god damn MORON.[/spoiler]

[Catloaf]

I found myself liking a few scenes.  Immediately wishing that they weren't in the same movie as the scenes directly before and after them which seemingly had been purposely edited to get the most awkward reading of the awful lines out of the actors/actresses possible.

Having seen Swedish 'The girl with the dragon tattoo' trilogy, I know Noomi Rapace can act.  Hell, some parts of this movie have her acting well... or at least competently in juxtaposition to other parts of the movie.

Basically there are plot 3 criteria in the movie for the scene and everything in it to be guaranteed shit-covered shit on a shit cracker in a shit sauce reduction:[spoiler]

• [spoiler]Anything to do with the 'Engineers'[/spoiler]
• [spoiler]Anything to do with (or later revealed to have something to do with) the Weyland family's dysfunctionality[/spoiler]
• [spoiler]Head-so-far-up-own-ass-it's-coming-out-nose-only-to-reenter-own-ass-again meaning of life bullcrap[/spoiler]

Otherwise the scene has a 50% chance of being salvageable if it were placed into a different movie.

The plothole that bothered me the most: [spoiler]Space Jockey dies nowhere near his iconic resting place[/spoiler] in the internally needless final scene that only serves as a 'hey, remember how good 'Alien' was and this wasn't?' throw-back.
That and the [spoiler]WHY ARE YOU STILL TAKING OFF YOUR HELMETS IN THERE AFTER WHAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED!?!?[/spoiler]

[James Edward Smith]

Catloaf, why do they take their helmets off ever? I could see if they had been real people and not this movie's strangely tall and strangely old looking 5-year-olds, if they had been researching the pyramids in anyway approaching realistically, with a realistic level of professional and sensible caution, that maybe after having been on the planet for a few months and proving comprehensively that there was no risk of infection or unforseeable possibility loss of atmospheric conditions inside the pyramids, that then they might have started just taking their helmets and maybe even suits off once inside and wearing something more comfortable or useful for studying things in there.

BUT

The movies, "FUCK THIS SHIT, I THINK THIS PLACE HAS BREATHABLE AIR IN HERE AND I'M TOO STUPID TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT ANYTHING THAT COULD HAPPEN SO *POP* OFF WITH MY HELMET FOR NO FUCKING REASON." makes no sense to me and made me cringe at the stupidity a pointlessness of the scene. The scene and the concept is literally only there so that they aren't confused as to why he gets sick when it happens.

But why is that important? Nothing about what happens incriminates the android, so who cares? If they'd never taken their helmets off does it suddenly seem obvious that the android put stolen jockey goo into his drink? No! Why would anyone assume that? "He couldn't have gotten sick in the pyramid, he had his suit on and we ASSUME those keep us safe!" There's nothing pointing to him, no one saw him pocket the vase and no one ever catches on to him until the end of the movie so why did the writer feel this was neccessary? Again, from what I've written I think it should be super obvious that I'm of the opinion that almost everything in this movie makes no fucking sense... but I have to point it out anyway, this makes no fucking sense.

But really, this is all moot anyway. WHAT WAS THE ANDROID'S AGENDA?! WHY WAS HE TRYING TO KILL THEM BUT ONLY SORT OF? See in Alien, the android isn't trying to aid the xenomorph because he's an asshole or something, or went haywire or anything like that. The implication and then eventual admission is that the company, Weyland-Yutani, programmed him to make sure that a xenomorph sample got back and that the crew was expendable in this endeavour. Now, presumably, David in Prometheus is similarly programmed by Mr. Weyland to some end... BUT WHAT IS IT?! It's never explained. He just randomly kills people and then tries to help Mr. Weyland meet the space jockey. But if all he had to do was help Mr. Weyland meet his maker and that was his agenda... WHY IS HE INFECTING PEOPLE AND FUCKING AROUND. What is the point? Why assemble this team, bring them and then go "Can't let them get in our way, better start getting them killed and infecting them and stuff........ WHY?! WHAT FOR?! Just don't bring them! It's YOUR MISSION!!! They can't GET IN THE WAY, if you just DON'T FUCKING BRING THEM.

[James Edward Smith]

Also, the movie has two people who die just because I don't know, they just because I'm the writer and I say they die even though nothing happens to them that would have killed them. One ambiguous one is the scottish woman gets punched by the space jockey and hits a wall or something and this kills her. This is just kinda weak and not really a mistake or anything but like, the main character girl, she get's punched by him too, and while she's already pretty injured and it looks way harder but then she's fine for some reason. She just walks away but the scottish woman is dead for some reason.

The other one that is way weirder though is the fucking stupid geology guy with the red hair and weird tattoos in that awful scene with the tentacles. Now, retardedness of the reason for them even being there, their actions, and the pointlessness of both that scene and those two characters even existing asside... How does he even die? I mean, retard with the hoodie, he dies pretty convincingly of being mouth fucked and god knows what else, do they just eat him or what, I don't even know or care, but why does Red-hair McTerribledialogue even die?

In my memory, he attempts to cut the tentacle off the retarded guy with a knife and then the resulting wound, sprays acid blood at his face. Okay, well, it lands on his helmet cause they are wearing them at that point and then he starts screaming in pain(?) immediately and wiping at it........ Why?! Ahh something sprayed all over my space suit helmet THE PAIN OF IT ALL! Then his helmet caves in onto his face and he yells and then he falls down dead I think. What the fuck was that about?! It's not like he was lying on his back and then the acid ate through the helmet and dripped onto his face or something. It hit his helmet infront of his face, wouldn't it just eat through the helmet and then either stop, leaving a hole in his helmet (no problem since it's been established that they can breath in the pyramid) or in the worst case scenario eat away all his helmet and then start eating at his suit below it? Why would it ever suck in towards his face and why would that cause him to die?! It really makes no sense to me what so ever. Can anyone explain what happened? Am I just remembering wrong?

[James Edward Smith]

The plothole that bothered me the most: [spoiler]Space Jockey dies nowhere near his iconic resting place[/spoiler] in the internally needless final scene that only serves as a 'hey, remember how good 'Alien' was and this wasn't?' throw-back.

Meh, a lot of people bring this up and while I find it I guess an odd and sort of dumb choice, I don't see it as a plot hole or contradiction really. The reason is, I'm not actually sure that moon they go to in Prometheus is the planetoid they go to in Alien or that the ship they crash into is the ship they find in Alien, etc. For one thing, the moon in prometheus doesn't look a whole lot like that planet in Alien. Also where are the pyramids in Alien and where are the Xenomorph eggs in Prometheus?

People have said stuff to me like, "It's the same ship though and it falls over into the same position as the one in Alien is laying when they find it. I don't think either of these observations matters or makes any real connection. First of all it's perfectly believable and in fact makes the most sense that the Space Jockeys have tons ships that look like that one. That's how their ships look. Secondly, So what if the ship fell into that position? Look at the ship, it's a donut with a bite taken out of it... How else would it ever land if it crashed? They would always fall like that.

The point is, the Space Jockeys have lots of ships like that and they all have those chairs in them, so why does that guy have to die in the chair from a chest burst? He doesn't. In fact I find it very likely that Scott plans to have one die like that in a later sequel to this movie, if he ever makes them.

[JDigital]

As the android explains at the end, [spoiler]there are multiple ships, including the one she escapes in. Presumably, every ship contains a cargo hold full of the T-virus. It's possible that she landed the ship on another planet and the aliens got her, and that's the planet in Alien. It's also possible that another of the big blue baby-men long ago landed his ship on that planet, and it's just been dormant since.[/spoiler]

Also, of course they have to take their helmets off, so you can see the actors' faces.

[Mongrel]

Really nice Q&A

http://www.hitfix.com/motion-captured/prometheus-second-look-digging-deep-into-spoilers-and-questions

[James Edward Smith]

Well, it's good to see someone else intelligent enough reviewing it to point out some of the shit in it that makes no sense but he's still super kind to it. In my opinion this movie is terrible, 1 star out of 5 material. I could see some one giving it 1.5 or 2 stars out of 10 due to the visuals and technical achievement but honestly... It's not THAT good. Like, it's a pretty cool looking movie, but I feel like Alien's set, costume and gadget design was a lot more believable and in the end more memorable than anything in Prometheus. It's perhaps unfair to judge a movie based on an other so strongly, but I'm sorry, this is the world we live in and this movie is made by the same guy and acts as a sort of prequel, so it has baggage. That's just the reality of the situation.

The point is, to me, yeah, they did a good job, but nothing WOWed me and with a story and CHARACTERS so infuriatingly retarded, I couldn't enjoy any of it. Every character in this movie comes off as pointless and just randomly written except that I would think that in most cases if you really did just write random dialogue and actions for human characters in a movie, you would end up with something less batshit and painfully bad than Prometheus.

The movie had a TON of potential, but it accomplished NONE of it and so I'm NOT going to say it deserves credit for things it could have done but then didn't. The reveal that Jesus was a space jockey would have been pretty fucking cool I think, they should have just done that.

[Mongrel]

I sort of agree with you, because it's really an incredibly low bar to make a movie look really amazingly good nowadays.

But without plot and dialogue, they're just kind of hollow... like buying a really fancy box of chocolates only to realize that somehow someone sucked out all the fillings.

[JDigital]

[JDigital]

Red Letter Media talks about Prometheus - SPOILERS

[Büge]

!!!