Saw this last night with the little woman, her husband and his girlfriend.
This was me as soon as the credits rolled,
"WOOF!.... Jeeze LOU-WEEZE... *laughing for a while* You fell off Scott."
This movie... this movie.
Micheal Fastbender plays the only character in it who doesn't blow donkey ass but nothing he or anyone else ever does in the movie makes any sense or isn't retarded. It's hard to watch a movie where everything every character ever says or does makes no sense and is logically broken.
It was like Phantom Menace but more chartoonishly dumb. I was reminded of Deep Blue Sea, have you ever seen the movie Deep Blue Sea? It was a really forgettable, dumb horror movie with LL Cool J in it I think. Remove all the cool "Alien" setting and concepts and Deep Blue see is a less stupid movie than this plotwise and characters wise.
There's a cool concept there, the synopsis of the movie would read cool, but the movie, blows. It just can't tell a story. The completely horrible and batshit characters ruin the whole thing and the pacing is just.... ugh... so many problems. When nothing anyone is doing seems justifiably motivated by anything or just plain make any FUCKING SENSE and yet stuff is happening so fast that there's no time for any tension... it really makes for a terrible movie. Also there's the fact that every character except maybe one person is a completely nonsensical character, a cartoon character, or a complete asshole for no justifiable reason, and you just care about nothing. Any time a character died in this thing I would just say in my mind or out loud sometimes,
"...GOOD... GOOD, die you stupid asshole."
I don't want to spoil anything, this is a really light and pretty meaningless spoil but none the less, tags for those who don't want any plot point known to them.
[spoiler]So they run into some dead Space Jockey corpses from 2000 years earlier and the geologist and the biologist - who I was calling Slyvester and Tweety for the whole movie because they were too cartoon characters who were never developed and just spouted really hammy over the top cliche lines and their motivations and actions never made any fucking sense - they decide they are gonna leave, their going back to the ship because FUCK THIS, I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS. Ugh. So they leave, some stuff happens and then the crew is called back to the ship because a storm is coming that will fuck them if they are out in it.
Well, for some reason, the two guys who leaf earlier, are still in the pyramid after everyone else who left after them got out when told to. Oh AND I guess they never heard on the radio that they were supposed to leave too I guess? Well anyway, that makes no sense, but the movie makes out that they got LOST. "Weren't we JUST here before?" the one guy says etc etc. They got LOST? The one guy is the guy who sent out the mapper drones... you just... YOU WHERE JUST ALL FOLLOWING HIM IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE! He was all like "Follow me, I made mapper things map this place. I know the way, follow me!" Now he's lost? Okay, why?
So two guys are stranded in the dangerous and spooky pyramid over night now. Okay, whatever they can breath in there. THEN EVERYONE ON THE SHIP DECIDES TO GO TO SLEEP OR FUCK SOMEONE THAT NIGHT... WHAT? There's two guys stranded in a spooky alien pyramid with crazy shit in it, in fact the captain like... makes JOKE I guess about how one of the droids has found a lifeform or something... Is this supposed to be funny? Why? What is GOING ON, MOVIE? Why does no one care about these guys' safety? Is this ship crewed by children? Why is every character acting like a 5-year-old? If you don't care about these to guys, why should I? What is the point of them being in this movie and getting killed? Like you already introduced the one guy as being a totally annoying asshole and the other as a moron. WHAT WAS THE POINT? Why are they in this movie and why does no one else on the story give a FUCK about them?![/spoiler]