I starred in a sitcom with Wayne Knight (playing a fairly Newmanish character only less blatantly evil and more just straight stupid) where we were both mailmen.
His character had this thing going where everytime he felt miserable, or sick, he'd go down to a bar where all the army folks hung out and partied and try to screw as many servicewomen as possible in a single weekend. THis happened about once a month. One of the running gags of the show was that he he always came back with a different, albeit mild STD, like crabs or the clap or whatever.
So this time he comes back and he's all pale and horrified and the dialogue goes something like this:
"Well what the hell happened? You look worse than you did two days ago!"
"I'm fucked, man! Fucked! All the good times are over!"
"What the fuck did you catch this time? Holy shit did you get AIDS?"
"Aww, no man, they have treatments and shit for AIDS now. AIDS I ain't worried about!
"So what then?"
*look of supreme horror on his face* "I'm gonna be a daddy!"
While freaking out, he tells me the story about screwing some woman in the infantry, who then came to him in the morning with a positive pregancy test.
So I speak up again:
"I thought you tried to avoid repeat visits!"
"What do you mean? I do! I never saw this girl before in my life!"
I stare at thim for a second and then: "Holy shit you're a real fucking retard, you know that?"
"I KNOWWWW! I KNOWWWW!"
"No you idiot, THINK!"
*he just looks confused*
"You dummy, how the hell could she get a positive test only the morning after you slept with her! Pregnancy tests don't work like that!"
*understanding dawns, and a big beatific idiot grin spreads across his face*
Me: "Either that's somebody else's kid or she's bullshitting you entirely!"
"I'm saved! Holy shit I'm saved!" He's frantically happy, I wake up.
