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[R^2]

(Oh yes, we finally tied the knot...) (Honey, don't just stand there with your mouth open, say hello!)


While Love Monkey doesn't chatter between every line and give the translation in parentheses, Bubble Monkey does. I'm going to skip the chatter, though.

(You passed by a cave north of Stonehenge. Don't you ever wonder what's inside?) (Can't seem to stop thinking about it!) (Go and see what's there!) (We're going to get out of here. We're still newlyweds, you know... Bye-bye!)


Possibly the first instance of heavily-implied offscreen monkey-dicking in a Nintendo game.

If I'm wrong, please don't correct me. I don't wanna know.




Dude you are the most cripplingly-awkward Asperger's sufferer I have ever seen, and I've been on the Internet for years.

Take care of yourself and 007!...
The Bubble Monkey said there's a cave north of Stonehenge. I've known about it for a long time. The locals call the area "Rainy Circle" but I haven't been there. I wonder what's inside the cave... I uh, huh... I understand...
While you're checking out that place, I'll work on remodeling the Sky Runner.
Oh yes, yes. My co-worker, Big Foot, dislikes violence. He's such a nice guy, and he loves people. He often shares his beef jerky with me...




Nothing spectacular here. Cups of Noodles are way overpriced for their 40 HP restore (pairs with Hot Sauce). Beef Jerky is the next step up for recovery items, giving back 150 HP (pairs with Ketchup packet). Bottles of DXWater give back 1 PP.


...but you're still hungry.


Sheeeeeeit.


Why seven? Because that's how many stars are in the Big Dipper. Which is a part of Ursa Major. Why they aren't named Mighty Bear 14 after the 14 stars in Ursa Major proper I have no idea.

Anyway, the Cave Boys are tougher but spend most of their time shouting to reduce Offense and Defense of one party member. Bears gonna bear, though, and a few claw and bite attacks can seriously wound somebody.


You thought the cave to Milky Well was short.


But it's mine now. Take it from me, if you dare...



Mother 2/EarthBound Music - Sanctuary Guardian


Guys guess what kind of attack a guy named Shrooom! likes to do

Go on guess

Did you guess?

Remember his name is Shrooom!

Here's a hint

It's a status attack

From a guy named Shrooom! if you forgot

Guess what attack he likes to do.


It's Mushroomized status! Seriously this fight is a snap except your party members are all smacking one another around.




Dragonite! Use Hyper Beam attack!






Shrooom! is vulnerable to instant-KO from Peekay Furash, though.


That's more of a figure-8 than a circle.



Sound Stone - Rainy Circle - Earthbound Music

Two notes? Two stinkin' notes?






And hey, while the newer stronger Winters cave enemies are fleeing, let's head back through the cave and see what's what.


Slight Offense boost to the whole party.


Last one in the game, folks.


Now we can toss this in storage and never look at it again.


Oh, and if you're playing up to this point? Don't go past the statue.


These are much-later-game enemies -- the Wooly Shambler is the guy in the middle, between the Whirling Robo and the Lesser Mook.

Yes, Giygas' alien henchmen are actually called "Mooks".






Remember: Diamondized is the same as petrified, which is similar enough to dead.


Hey guys remember how overleveled I am? I still got utterly stomped. So we won't be coming any further this way.

[R^2]

DUDE.


Yes, the next part of the melody goes "Daaaaah... dun."

I finished remodeling the Sky Runner. You can leave for Summers whenever you wish. It shouldn't break this time... Well, maybe...


We get in!


We lift off!


Do I seriously need to link the Sky Runner music again?


It's a short trip.




We make touchdo--





We're burnt, but we're fine.


Relax, and have some fun.


He probably wants to stand behind you and stare at your hips.


And at night, fall in love again... That's my dream life.




You guys are spoiling the atmosphere...

In Threed people were talking about how we were smiling and cheery and now they're all like "Why so serious?"

I guess all the crap that's happening is starting to weigh on a bunch of twelve-year-olds a bit.


"And I have nothing to do with you guys getting knocked out an imprisoned in Threed, I just happen to look like the zombie-hoochie who did that. How many bikinied woman sprites do you think this game has, anyway?"


You should travel across the sea to Scaraba from Toto, the port town.


Well, we're in a vacation resort town, I guess it's reasonable to have our picture taken.


totes jelly bro

[R^2]

...again.


The prices here are so high, it'll make your face turn blue! That's Summers!

Oh, we stop at the hotel for a rest.

Like the HP-Sucker, but it hits all foes and gives 007 the aggregate HP back.


Here is this morning's headlines from the Daily Summers... "People reported missing one after another in our sister city Winters."


what.

In this country, Hotel is pronounced "otel". So then in your country, is otter pronounced as "Hotter"? 'Ow should I know these things?

I have never understood this guy.


But he can be helpful.




If there's anything remarkable about the Crazed Sign, I've long forgotten it.


breaking into their room and checking their drawers for valuables. Yeah, other people on important adventures do such things, but you have to admit it's bizarre!

The guy explicitly mentions medals in the Japanese version, because Dragon Quest 3 was still fresh in everyone's minds at the time.


Okay seriously




In Japan this was a massive belch followed by an apology about his binge drinking. Here...




Trash would be okay, to-- oh.




She's a xorn in disguise! Get her!


This takes me back to my culinary school finals.


The cook is working the counter for some reason, but he'll still make us some to-go orders.


This stuff is way overpriced for the healing you get out of it (as befitting the tourist-trap resort), but Kraken Soup is noteworthy because it's a full HP restore.

Brain Food Lunch, which I previously said is a full HP restore, is actually +300 HP +50 PP. Which is almost better, considering how little over 300 HP most of the party will have at endgame.


Should I become a porter so I can get tips from all the old folks?




The hero of the first game was asthmatic, so the exhaust fumes from a car or truck would pretty much shut him down entirely for a lengthy wait until game over. Here the fumes just cause crying instead.


Summers is a posh resort, made for adults.




The game finally catches up to the bat we bought Snes way back when. The Big League Bat is available cheaper later, but we're not hurting for cash now so we get it, the Chef's Fry Pan, three Lucky Coins, and three Diamond Bands.


But the sign says... um...

[McDohl]

Get the hell out of here, you nerd!  This is not the Stoic Club!

[R^2]

This part of the game is such a boring drag I can barely be bothered to LP it. Can you tell?


It may be helpful to you. They have a heiroglyph of a pyramid.

Well, Monotoli said Giygas said we're not supposed to know about the pyramid, so let's go learn about the pyramid.


It's $3 per person to get in. Hardly worth charging for, really.


Well... why do you think people call him "Mr. Spoon"...?

I bet he just wants to brag about something... Well, let him try... I wonder what he wants to tell me? Bah! I dare him to try and upstage me! Oh... Pardon me... I was talking to myself... *cough*


He looked like he was awfully wealthy. He was being extravagant!

Isn't everyone supposed to be extravagant here? It's a southern-Europe-style tourist town.
















I can't... well, I usually don't... show this room... Once you hit adulthood, you'll understand. I do, however, like jewelry. Perhaps a little, shall we say, "under the table deal" would be in order... 

[R^2]

...No, no... I'm not a billboard.




Porky takes after GARY MOTHERFUCKING OAK just a little.


However, a monster named Kraken lives in the open sea. He attacks ships that pass through. Are you scared?


It's a mysterious town. It's my dream town.




Things're expensive down there...

Thankfully we know how to teleport, so it doesn't really matter if there's a price difference.


So, I didn't go in... but I tell people I saw mummy-type monsters with my own eyes!


I know a place that's explicitly not the Stoic Club in Summers...

You need to call a secret number for a reservation if you want to get in. What? Yeah, I'll give you the secret number. I warn you, though, it's a strange place...

[R^2]

ring ring ring ring ring ring ring




You know, players just like you! That's right, you -- the one holding the controller. Would you register your name, please? Don't spell your name wrong!




I'd put this up to vote, but he did explicitly say "The one holding the controller".

[R^2]

I mean, any normal person would feel the same way.

Yes, we're still talking about this.


Well, some people.




..... Uhhh, I don't know how to play the trumpet yet.


Huge!...


Of course, it was dead! Believe what I'm saying!


...who trained a cat to answer the door?


I'm worried about my wife... I'm not afraid of the Kraken!

My wife's totally ignoring her Magic cake business. These days she spends her time hanging out in a strange club. We no longer have any mutual interests to discuss. Is our relationship over?


We borrow the phone at the front desk of the museum.










WE ARE IN.

[R^2]

Mother 2/ EarthBound Music - Dr Andonuts' Lab
I'm pretty sure this is the music that plays in the Stoic Club, at least.


your repudiation of entropy supports my theory of space-time synthesis. Of this, I am irrefutably confident.

I got yer seminal evidence right here, buddy.

* R^2 crotch chop

The patrons of this club are able to stare into their own soul hard enough to burn a hole in their psyche. I'm now comfortable enough to start at the real me, the true self, and burn the impression into my super-ego. I want to be in this comfort zone at any time, all the time or at no time. My id is telling me...


On the far side of the tech bubble, the housing bubble, and the resulting recession... yeah, I can.



..... Oh, sorry! I was sleeping...


It's a mysterious work of art... I can't get that cake off my mind. There's only one woman who can make magic cake... She's hanging out in this club. Yeah, she's over there at the entrance... Anyway, the absolute irony and study of self-identification is... Blah, blah, blah...


Everyone stares at the stone on stage and philosophizes. ...Doesn't it sound stupid?


I don't either, but I try to be patient with the customers. They pay high prices just for a glass of water and the chance to have serious, intellectual discussions. Actually, it's an easy business. You want a drink? We only have water, though...


She goes through her whole quote again.

[R^2]

You make it sound so tawdry.

[McDohl]

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

[R^2]

I'd forgotten we named him that. Fitting, though.

Mother 2/ EarthBound Music - The Floating Kingdom of Dalaam










Cup of Lifenoodles, Brain Food Lunch, stuff like that. Not bad.


The guy with the phone-shaped topknot acts... as a telephone. To call Snes' dad and save your game.








It seems like that's all you do these days. Why don't you take some time to play with me? I'm so lonely without you...


"...Mr. Scary Martial Artist Psychic Monarch..."


All they had is a single flask of water, and Shit takes it. (In Soviet Russia...!)




"Marvin Acme" was too long to fit into this PC's name slot and probably not worth it for this one joke.






"Are you making fun of my name? I'm having you executed at dawn tomorrow."


"Don't change the subject."








One of the reasons to hate Shit is that his delicate, refined, Eastern palate is unaccustomed to Western foods. If you feed him pretty much anything not on this short list, he gets about 6 HP instead of whatever it would have given to Snes, Gufin, or 007.

The Jar of Delisauce is a condiment, though. It works well no matter what you put it on, boosting the recovery granted by any food.


That is generally how the human bladder works, yes.




It's true. The Bottle of Water and Bottle of Deluxe Water that give anyone else a single PP recovery gives Shit here around 10 and around 40 PP, respectively.




Welp, here we are.

[R^2]

If you can make your mind blank and learn the true meaning of "Mu", you'll pass through. Mu is Mu...)


Popular with the girls and creepy old men wearing burlap sacks.


Really? Show me your best barnyard impression.

I want to show you a higher level of intelligence... However, I'm still realizing and learning this high level... I'll see you again. So long!




He turns into a tornado and flies away.
















If you get up and walk back to the palace, your master tells you he didn't call for you at all, and to try again.

[R^2]

EarthBound - Mu Training [HQ]




I'm... what?!


If you say no, you wake up from your trance.


And if you say yes, your HP starts rolling like you'd just taken a nasty hit. Which, I suppose, you did.






Spiteful.











The music cuts out.











(So, Prince Shit.

Now, I can only communicate directly with your mind.

Your mind is all you have left...

In the end, I will take your mind, though you probably don't want to allow that, do you?

So, you can't answer? You can't even move?

Are you sad, are you lonely?

If you lose your mind, you also lose any feelings of sadness...

Do you accept this? I will take your mind, Prince Shit, know that I will possess it...)

[R^2]

Mother 2/ EarthBound Music - The Floating Kingdom of Dalaam




Not a trick this time.


So we do.


There is nothing more to teach you from the holy writings. Prince Shit, I shall relay a message to you from Eternity.
The evil entity that controls all wickedness is preparing for the greatest struggle of all time... The only ones who can challenge the entity are three boys and one girl.
One named Snes is the leader of the four. One of the boys is you, Prince Shit. Now that you've completed your training, search out Snes at once.
For all beings, for the earth herself... I pray for the growth in the might of the four.










Teleport beta takes you places just like Teleport alpha does, only you start by running in a tight circle. You need a small but wider space to teleport in, rather than a long straight line.


Shit spins in place, as though going down the toilet bowl, then dashes off.


How he got to Summers when he'd presumably never been there before is a question best left unasked.


I am the servant of Snes. I will obey Snes. Snes! My life is in your hands.

SNES - Earthbound - 054 - You've Got a New Friend


Shit is a bit of a red mage for the party, doubling up on some stuff other people can do in a combination none of them can do alone. I... don't like him much, if you can't tell. He gets Peekay Freeze and Thunder, some shield and buff effects, a couple status ailments like Brainshock, and some Lifeup and Healing techniques. He's a mediocre fighter, better than Gufin but not as good as Snes.

Shit has... no equipment. He can't use the bracelets and good-luck charms the rest of the kids do, and uses his martial arts training to fight barehanded.

He can use a special command to transform into enemies, but I have never found it at all useful.

At least he doesn't join at level 1 like Gufin and 007 do, though, right? Gufin joins when Snes is approaching level 20 and quickly catches up. 007 was two levels behind Gufin when he joined the party, and passes her now that she'd spent most of the last chapter of the game kidnapped.

Now that we are level 40-50, Shit joins us at level 18. He also takes more experience points than anyone else to gain levels. He's going to trail the rest of the party up until we hit the level cap at 99, make no mistake.

[R^2]

Best VGM 484 - Earthbound - Summers, Eternal Tourist Trap

Did I link this music when I started exploring Summers in the first place? Oh well. I'm too lazy to go back and check, much less fix it.






I meant to screencap it, but one of the items Shit starts with is called a "Tiny Ruby".




The caskets are moving!


Shattered Man can either smack you around or use a couple moves to immobilize or solidify you. Their damage output is pretty high, though, especially considering how fragile Shit is.




However, our efforts were futile, and we lost. Nonetheless, our pyramid was protected by the gods of Scaraba.

The invaders will be reborn every millennium and will attack again. Even now, the invaders hide beyond space and time and build their evil stronghold. A place out of time is beyond the Dark, and is even farther beyond the Lost Underworld. The Deep Darkness is shrouded, it is without light. Only one with the Hawk eye can pierce the dark.

The Sphinx now watches over everything, waiting for the coming of a truly brave hero.



Dance in front of the Sphinx!

So, go to Scaraba, get into the Pyramid, get the thing that lets us pierce the darkness, go to Deep Darkness and past the Lost Underworld and to a place beyond space and time. That's a hell of a lot more direction that we've had since we got to Summers!




That's what I said!


He also took a picture of the Heiroglyphs. I got lots of money from him. Heh heh heh. Do you feel like you're really experiencing this great historical period? The experience is more valuable than a smal gem... Ha ha ha!


You get a Heiroglyph copy to throw away later. Using it tells you what I just textdumped again.


Phone's ringing.


Well, I'll quickly tlel you my story, 'cause I'm busy, busy, busy! I found something so extraordinary that mere words could not do it justice. What do you mean "Who am I?" Don't you recognize my voice? It's me, Mr. Spoon from the Fourside Museum of Natural History! Look Mr. Fork, I'm not exaggerating this find! I'm telling you... It's fantastic!..... It's outrageous!... *click* Beeeeep

"Why do so many people say 'click, beep' when they want to end a phone conversation? Can't they just say 'goodbye'?"

[R^2]

Summers still has a nice, straight avenue to use, so we can Teleport alpha out of here. There are plenty of wide spaces on the beach we could run in circles, too, if we needed to.












Please keep your pants on, sir.





siiiiiiiiiiiigh





Watch the video. It's not mine but Youtube is good at having this kind of thing already.

Earthbound- Venus










"Smack" as in the noise a smooch makes, not Venus going upside Snes's head. Which would also be great, but whatever.

[R^2]

Please keep your pants on, sir.


Please keep your pants on, sir.


There, I found a huge, monster rat! I'm not trying to pull your leg... I'll let you go there and check it out for yourself.




As you might expect, the manhole leads to a sewer.


Stinky Ghosts can possess you, and the Deadly Mouse is like the Rowdy Mouse -- fond of SMAAAAASH!! attacks. But they also have poisonous fangs.


Dammit.

I didn't screencap the entire tedious process, but between ghostly possession and Shit's inability to stand on his own feet for more than a few minutes at a time, I had to leave and return to this dungeon five or six times to visit the hospital and the hotel.




If an enemy has a Shield, PSI Shield, or counter-Shield of any kind, the Shield Killer will, erm, kill it.

The shield, not the enemy.


The easiest way to get through here is to just trudge through the human waste that flows like a river through this sewer and go straight for the twinkling light at the end.





Mother 2/EarthBound Music - Sanctuary Guardian
I'm going to post this music until you like it.


The Plague Rat of Doom hits hard and often. His only trick is to hit and poison instead of just hit, but lawdy does he shave off a lot of HP with each attack.


This was not as effective a strategy as I'd hoped.


Frankly, neither was this.


Whew.


Shit sucks.


Oh, hey.




Full heal.

EarthBound (SNES) Music - Sound Stone Magnet Hill



EarthBound - A Flash of Memory [HQ]





On our way out, we loot the dungeon. With enemies running from us the path becomes much easier to manage; even if they block the corridor we can get an easy first hit on them.


I WONDER WHAT THIS REPAIRS INTO


:$_$:

Seriously they might have just saved me the effort of fixing and selling this and put $250 in the trash can instead.

[R^2]

Lots of good photo ops here.


Don't be careless...


Recently, several bad incidents occurred in this peaceful country...

Since most of the enemies in this game are people under Giygas's influence, animated objects, or violently wild animals, it's kind of odd to hear this guy complain about actual monsters.


.....Nothing? Mmmmm Mmmmm


...What an international person!




grats




...and the brick falls out of the sky and hits the poor guy right on the head.



ANYWAY HERE'S WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR

[R^2]

Pink Cloud Shrine: Earthbound Music


It's a cave! And it's actually vaguely mazelike, with several branching paths. Exploration is done by climbing to the top and jumping down holes, each of which leads to a different place.




It's also full of electricity-themed enemies. Snes is carrying the Franklin Badge, so he's safe, but a few incoming Peekay Thunders and Crashing Boom Bang attacks can make our lives difficult. Now that we have a party size of four, enemy Peekay Thunders will no longer miss -- they'll always hit somebody. That mechanic works both ways!


Good hole, good hole, good hole...


"More complicated than Milky Well and Rainy Circle" doesn't mean "Not complicated", though. It's still a short cave.


This is the sixth "Your Sanctuary" location. But it's mine now. Take it from me, if you dare...

Mother 2/Earthbound Music - Kraken of the Sea
Th... that's not the Sanctuary guardian music!


Despite the name and appearance, Thunder and Storm are one enemy, so they only get one move per turn and have a shared HP pool.


Surprise, they like to use Crashing Boom Bang attacks.


...to great effect.

They can also "summon a storm", which works like a high-level Peekay Flash. In this case it KOed Gufin instantly and made both 007 and Shit cry uncontrollably.


We are victorious nonetheless.








You can't fool me, Itoi! You didn't play the Sanctuary guardian music, so there's another meaner boss coming up that's the actual Sanctuary guardian! I pay attention to little giveaway details like that.






...oh.

PINK CLOUD / Drive Me Nuts

wait hold on

Sound Stone - Pink Cloud - Earthbound Music

Okay, that's better.






As with the sewers under Fourside, the looting happens after the Guardian is defeated and the lesser enemies flee from our mighty presence. In this case we get a piece of armor that Poo can wear, increasing his Defense by a nontrivial amount and protecting him from Hypnosis status.




We also bash some more stuff into submission. Omega-level peekay abilities are as good as they get, offering maximum damage.


...outta here!