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[R^2]

I'm going to stay here for a while and help Mr. Saturn. It is important for a man to enjoy his duty.

heh heh. Doodie.

(Yep, after almost two weeks of no updates, I go straight for the poop jokes.)



Dr. Andonuts, Mr. Saturn and I worked together and finally completed the Phase Distorter. The purpose of the device is to enable instantaneous travel through space and time. In this prototype, you can only travel to different points within the same time period. It is able, however, to search out the locations of enemies. Right now, it is indicating the presence of enemies in the Lost Underworld!





And the Apple Kid... He is a most exceptional young man, very different from other kids. ...Well, anyway... The prototype Phase Distorter has been stolen. Someone resembling a pig wearing clothes took Mr. Saturn captive and stole the device!


Nothing actually indicates that you have to, but the next step is to get inside the Phase Distorter.


It ends about as well as you'd expect, considering Andonuts just told you it doesn't work.


...


The material I'm thinking of came from a meteorite that fell when I was much younger.


Yeah, it fell a stone's throw from my house. Or a meteorite fall, I guess.


I can synthesize the material Zexonyte. ...I doubt that your mortal enemy Giygas, or whatever, will allow you to go to Onett and get a piece of the meteorite. By now, Onett is in his evil hands. You must go, though, so take every possible precaution. The Mr. Saturns have introduced some of their new developments at their shop. Please check them out before you leave. ...I wonder what Onett is like at this point in time?...


Piggy Jelly is one of the best HP-restores in the game, but the equipment here was outdated even before we got all those Star Pendants.


Oooh. It's dark.

[R^2]

Earthbound - Alien Invasion




Try as you might to enter buildings or talk to people, every residence and business in Onett is abandoned. Or at the very least locked up and the people cowering inside aren't answering the door.


Also there are random encounters floating around when you get near your own house in the outskirts of town.


Ghosts of Starman are nasty. They start every battle with Peekay Starstorm alpha, which even as overleveled as we are is enough to OHKO Gufin and seriously injure 007 and Shit. Then in subsequent turns they flash a menacing grin, count from three to one, and use Peekay Starstorm omega. Thankfully, Gufin is quick enough to generally move before they do, and put up a PSI counter-Shield. The reflected damage from the opening Starstorm salvo is generally enough to end the fight then and there.
Evil Eyes are moderately nasty, as they use Brainshock omega almost exclusively.


One house is still occupied.




Technically aliens rather than actual monsters but you know how it is arguing technicalities with your mother.


I'm fine... But I am a bit scared. Everything will be okay if we just sit here quietly in the dark. Are you hungry?


I dunno where Mom gets all these brains, but I'm not gonna ask.


don't you think?

Fuck yeah we are.


Military Octobots fire beams and steal stuff.


Usually this place is jumpin' with random encounters, but this is as clear as I've ever seen it.









Ghosts of Starman are the 1/128 drop for the Goddess Ribbon, Gufin's "best" headgear. The defense is higher than what she's got right now, but it doesn't carry the gigantic and more valuable boost to her Luck.

So, in the nearly-two-weeks since I last updated, I spent an hour or more on most days grinding Ghosts of Starmen trying for the Goddess Ribbon.

I still haven't gotten one.

[R^2]

Achtaehellwiit. No Goddess Ribbon.


in my humble opinion.




Well, I've never actually seen this incredibly rare element before... It is very intriguing. All right, leave everything to us, and get some rest. This is most fascinating!

What a massive coincidence that the meteorite that fell at the beginning of the game had just the element we needed to make our time machine work, right? Well, not really, considering the likelihood that the meteorite isn't a normal space rock and is instead Buzz Buzz's crashed Phase Distorter that he piloted from the future.


Anyway, we tell this guy we wAnt slUmbEr and stay the night.


Dr. Andonuts, Mr. Saturn and I worked together and finally completed the Phase Distorter.


...lets you make phonecalls to your dad and restore your HP/PP. No reason to copy Andonut's whole speech to tell you that.


You might not be able to return. So, make sure you are optimally outfitted.


It doesn't matter what you say, he replies:
Even if you're not 100%, perfectly, completely ready... Well, you should be as prepared as possible. It would be for the best. Without careful preparation, you would be in big trouble. I just want to make sure you're ready. Let me know when your preparations are complete.

Snes goes home and spends some time with his family. Gufin returns to Twoson to say goodbye to her parents and the kids at the Polestar Preschool. Shit returns to Dalaam and makes out with like two dozen girls at once. 007... well, the Snow Wood Boarding School is still inaccessible, but I'm sure he has some way to pass the time.

I was going to stop at this point and go dig up Magic Truffles and stuff, but they're not even remotely necessary and I basically want to get this LP over with, so.




...lets you save and restores your HP/PP. No reason to hear this speech twice, even in-game.

[R^2]

[Music] EarthBound - The Cliff that Time Forgot
A very tiny sample from the very beginning of La Marseillaise via The Beatles' "All You Need Is Love", with lots of echo and distortion.








This guy again.


We get a full heal for no readily apparent reason.


There is only a little time left! I'll give you the last power.


...eh.


That looks very much like a wrecked Phase Distorter.


kIdnAppEr. bAd gUy. bAd gUy gOnE. zOOm! whErE? tO thE pAst. dIng, dIng!

Mr. Saturns tend to get kidnapped a lot. This guy is the one Porky took away when he stole the Phase Distorter prototype, although apparently he got the time-travel part functioning and left the scraps behind. Presumably he had an easier time getting Zexonite than we did, and finished the rest using Giygas's alien technology.


I actually had no idea this was here until this LP. Huh.


Oh, we're in that cave in the Lost Underworld. Hell, we didn't need a Phase Distorter to get here, just a bridge about ten feet long.


...it's a dead end, anyway. There's nothing here.

[R^2]

It's clearer in the Japanese version: he means the Phase Distorter mark III, which is capable of traveling through time as well as space. Presumably they spent a few weeks getting it to work and traveled back here to give it to me.


Or they worked out the last bug in the device in the time it took me to walk around this short pathway. Either way.

Giygas is attacking from our exact location, but he is attacking from many years in the past.

...that's it?




Oh. There's some incredibly awkward detail that Andonuts, being the socially-crippled nerd he is, can't just spit out.


Yep.


...hey!


you must warp to the past. This can be done by way of the "Phase Distorter 3".

Yeah. What's the catch?



...oh. That's a problem. We're all living things, I mean lifeforms.

Life is demolished in the process of warping. The only way to accomplish time travel is to transfer your brain "program" into a robot, and send the robot to the past. ...The transfer means your spirit will go with the robot while your body is left behind...

Weird, but that doesn't sound so bad.



...oh.



Do you still wish to face Giygas by traveling to the past?



Dude, harsh.

[R^2]

...the teleportation function is disabled, so we can't leave. But at the very least Snes can call his parents to tell them goodbye. Just in case.



We don't have a choice. We're the chosen ones, as foreseen by the Apple of Enlightenment, even though we're living things I mean lifeforms.


that you may not be able to return to your current form, right?

He gives you another Yes/No prompt, as though you have an actual choice to back out.


Let me take a good look at you now... Snes, please give me that red cap...

Ready... stand by...








Each party member appears onscreen, quaking slightly, while some disturbingly drill-like sound effects play for each of them.




The first time Andonuts really calls 007 his son is just after he surgically downloaded his soul into a robot. Thanks, dad.







We still don't have a choice. (If you say no, Andonuts tells 007 to do it instead. If you still refuse, he asks why you lost your nerve now.)




I feel very fortunate... to be present at the beginning of this monumental undertaking...

[R^2]

Cave of the Past / The Place - Earthbound Music


Sure enough, we're all robits.


The Cave of the Past isn't a very long dungeon, but the passages don't get any wider than this and all the enemies are those zippy little green octohedrons. There are lots of battles to be had, and if you need healing, you've gotta slog all the way back to the Phase Distorter.


Ghosts Of Starman are the same as in Onett, so if I felt like stalling for another two weeks I could just grind out the Goddess Ribbon here.
Wild n' Wooly Shambers fire beams and occasionally use PSI counter-Shields or Flash beta.


Both of these guys -- Nuclear Reactor Robots and Ultimate Octobots -- are pretty much just "the same but worse".


Minor relief in that magic butterflies still spawn here.


Squatter Demons can poison you, but are pretty much the least dangerous enemies here.


Snes's attack power is capped at 255, so this equipment upgrade... isn't.




Teleport ball.


Final Starmen are, as you'd expect, Giygas's elite soldiers. They can put up shields and heal -- even revive -- their allies, while launching Brainshock omega and Starstorm alpha and omega attacks.




In the very last part of the Cave are Bionic Kraken, which are like the regular Kraken but more likely to use their nastier attacks (and have higher HP etc.) If I'd encountered one, I'd have screencapped it, but I didn't. Bionic Krakens have the standard 1/128 chance to drop the Gutsy Bat, which is only a little less powerful than the Casey Bat and gives Snes a massive boost to his Guts. Why such an item is available literally one room before the final boss makes it rather useless, and since I already skipped one 1/128 item I see no reason to grind one out.


Disturbingly biological.

[R^2]

...hello.




It's long and twisty, but there are no encounters here.




Disturbingly... uh, cervical.


Giygas is... crowning?


what




Well look who survived the time travel.


Only that a living thing I mean lifeform made it through time. I guess alien time travel allows that.

I assist only the strong and able! That's Pokey. You guys look pathetic!

Well, we are robots. We couldn't help that part.

The Apple of Enlightenment has already made a prediction. ...But I won't let what the Apple of Enlightenment predicted take place. You guys will be beaten by Giygas. Giygas will be stronger, a more powerful entity than any other! Why?

'Cause of me. I was led by Giygas, and now I'm here. The Apple of Enlightenment couldn't predict this. Master Giygas. No, Giygas is no longer the wielder of Evil.

In Japanese, Porky always referred to him as "Master" throughout the speech, and dropped the honorific here. Which is kind of a big deal that got glossed over in the translation.

He has become the embodiment of Evil itself... which he cannot control on his own. He is the Evil Power.


BRING IT

[R^2]

Pokey Means Business: Earthbound Music
Pokey Means Business is one of the best tracks in the game, and a good piece of final boss music.

As the fight banner announces, Giygas and his "cohort", Heavily Armed Pokey, are who you battle here. Giygas reflects all damage done to him and attacks with Peekay alpha and beta. Put up shields (but not counter-shields) if you must, but otherwise leave him be.

Heavily Armed Pokey is the primary target and only has three moves: two single-target attacks and to discharge a very stinky gas, which lowers Offense and Defense. He's open to Brainshock, though, if you feel the need to disable him for whatever reason. He only has 2000 HP, so one Multibottle Rocket can end this fight.


It's a shame the fight is so short, considering how good the music is. It's entirely possible to never realize it's not a chiptune all the way through.


You must feel pretty stupid to keep fighting without even knowing what Giygas looks like! If you were to ever see Giygas, you'd be so petrified with fear, you'd never be able to run away! ...That's how scary it is!





Earthbound Music 112) Giygas intro


Hmm, there's a red swirly pattern back there, undulating and distorting and


AAAAGH IT'S A FACE

Giygas cannot think rationally any more, and he isn't even aware of what he is doing now. His own mind was destroyed by his incredible power. What an all-mighty idiot! Yep, that's what he is!

[R^2]

EarthBound - Giygas Stirs [HQ]


You're face-to-face with Giygas's swirling form, so throw everything you've got against him. He has 2000 HP and is open, as anyone who's utterly incomprehensibly crazy should be, to Brainshock.




Giygas has been using psychic powers a hell of a lot longer than humanity has as a whole, and his powers are amplified so much his own mind collapsed from the strain. There's no way we're able to understand how they work.




Shit, for example, is instantly knocked out by the incomprehensibility.


Okay, fine, technically his three "incomprehensible attacks" are direct nonelemental damage, Thunder beta, and Flash omega. Gufin has the Franklin Badge, so sometimes Giygas accidentally blasts himself. And Star Pendants protect against Flash, so only Shit is vulnerable to those status effects. (This means he passes out twice and cries uncontrollably once before the end of the fight.)


Once Giygas's HP drop to 0, Porky reappears.


What, just because Shit got hurt and collapsed again? We're fine, really.


...oh. Not what you meant.


this universe...


You know, my heart is beating incredibly fast,










incredibly oblique hint

[R^2]

Giygas' Intimidation - Earthbound Music Extended


Giygas has 9999 HP in this phase, and the game gives no indication of it happening but his HP are fully restored at the start of every turn. You can't beat him.

[McDohl]

Noooooo!  This is impossible!  How are we supposed to win!?

[Angry Beaver]

He doesn't have a prayer.

[Mongrel]

So what happened here... did R^2 actually get boned by a game bug? I thought this was a temporary status in the middle of the boss fight.

[patito]

This is how the game actually ends.

[R^2]

Lack of motivation to finish the LP. Not a lot of reader interest I'm picking up on.

[Stush]

:( I've really enjoyed the LP and i've been really looking forwards to seeing the end. I never finished earthbound.

[McDohl]

We believe in Santa Christ!

[patito]

Yeah, I've actually followed the entire LP, I don't see where you get the idea there was no reader interest. Plus it'll take you like 5 minutes to finish the game man.

[Mongrel]

Yeah, if there was a time to quit, it's not DURING THE CLIMAX OF THE FINAL BOSS BATTLE.