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[R^2]

Whoooooooooooooo is the man in the suuuuit? Whoooooooo is the cat with the beeeeee-eeeee-eak?


Anyway, I'm dropped in for a rough landing.


...Fool? Fool?! You assholes kidnapped ME!


And now I am going to murder and eat every single one of you fuckers.


Not for revenge, mind you.


It's just my thing.

[R^2]

YOU.

KIDNAPPED.

ME.


The interior of Fort Bird-Man is a teleporter maze. 


Has a red crystal in it, though.




Pahooom! Like the dragon, this red crystal form is made for charging and goring with the horn. Since the forms are set and can't be changed at all, the horn never breaks.


In a colossal dick move, the way to get through the maze is to, at one point, turn around and go back into the teleporter you just came out of.




Bird-King: ...boss of the Bird-Man.

I thought that was Phil Ken Sebben!

Bird-King: I am the leader of this great tribe that has continued to evolve, though we lost many people by the falling asteroids. Listen to me! This is an age of intelligence. Creatures beneath us still stick to changing their bodies for strength, but they will remain stupid. We had a sage who came from the Universe. Using the crystal he gave us, w will rule the world the way the dinosaurs couldn't! Finally we will start a journey to the Universe! Would you like to join us?

Sure, why not.




That is the way you have gone into the universe with the father of the Bird-man. You reached the nearest planet, the Moon, and you will create the Bird-man civilization. But you will return here sometimes.


Peon: ...the sky.

Humans were surprised and drew figures of you in the desert.




And back to the map screen with you. Do Fort Bird-Man over again! Ha ha ha!

[R^2]

So I have a new idea regarding your offer, sir!






Bird-King flies back and forth, throwing orbs at you. It's only difficult if you're in a body that can't jump worth a god damn.

I mean, the game's still taking some creative license because technically elephants can't jump at all, but still, I took several hits just trying to climb up to where Bird-King was flying around. Whose bright damn idea was it to put the one boss an elephant would be useless against at the end of the dungeon where you find the elephant form?


Thank god.


I immediately took two strong hits as soon as I transformed back, facilitating a new horn. But now that I can get up to him?


The fight's over within a moment.


Bird-people: ...apart because the power of the crystal is gone. Everybody better leave!




You wanna know what happens when you kidnap me, ya shitsmears?


That. My only regret is that the explosion scattered your corpses all over the countryside and they'll flicker and disappear before I can eat them all.

Assholes.

[R^2]

Only green dot left is Domain of Hynodon.


But the ice wall is gone.




GUESS WHO THIS IS YOU GUYS

Yeti: Ah, who are you? How did you get in? I've got it. The big explosion from the sky broke the ice entrance. That was a big one! I am Sir Yeti. I rule the Ice World using the power of the crystal. I become angry with weak Mammals who try to become strong.

Oh, no problem then. I haven't been remotely weak since Mt. Snow.

Yeti: You seem to be different.

Well, like I said.






Well, that escalated quickly.




Sir Yeti relies on a leaping punch to attack. It has crazy-high priority, so the fight is actually quite difficult -- you can't just bite or kick him out of his attack pattern like you can with pretty much every other creature in the game. It's especially challenging if you're trying to take decent screenshots too!


Eventually Sir Yeti starts presenting. Man, I don't even bend that way. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I guess, but dude.


Why you? Maybe genocide of every other living thing is only okay if you're a player character.

Sir Yeti: ...happened to the power of the crystal? Junior....!


Beat it, kid, or I'll eat you too.

Sir Yeti: I couldn't believe there existed such a strong creature in this world. This was my mistake.




Any tragedy that may have ever existed in this scene is wiped out by Junior Yeti's goofy eye take.






Oh, uh. Hey. What's goin' on? Not much here, certainly not eating any yetis, no sir.

Yeti Mother: I am afraid... I can't forgive you for defeating my husband. This time I will defeat you! Geee....




Between her hand-clap attack and her stunlocking frost breath, Mother Yeti is one mean... uh, mother.


Throw in the screen capture thing and, well... it takes me a couple of tries.


Victory is mine!


Kid, I don't even care.


Repeat yourself all you want, not even three tenths of a single fuck is given.


Gaia: It has been painful but you must see the real world.

Painful? My entire existence revolves around turning every animal and plant I see into poop. I have been personally responsible for the genocide of countless species already. One hairy kid getting teary-eyed doesn't even faze me.

Gaia: Even if you had not defeated the Yeti, I believe they would have been beaten by a stronger power.

You forget one important detail: ain't nobody stronger than me.

Gaia: Let us move forward. This is the only way you can go.




Hey, trees.


Yeah, good call not resetting me into a new form again. I'm about sick of that.

[R^2]

Gaia: The Ice Age has come to an end, A new age full of life, has begun.


Gaia: Dinosaurs are extinct, the rule: "the survival of the fittest" remains. By the way... I think you already noticed that someone delivered an evil tool, a Crystal, to this planet. I wonder why and who?

I'm not posting another picture of the Ancient Aliens meme guy.

Gaia: Anyway there is something wrong with evolution of life on this planet. The Crystal... I have a bad feeling. Come, you are close to Eden now.

[R^2]

The mandatory classification changes are over, and we're past the two optional ones. Whatever form you had when you beat the yeti, you're stuck with until the end of the game.


Have you ever been the center of attention so bad you destroyed Asia?

Turns out if you drastically overstate the size of the Great Lakes and make the Baja and Florida peninsulas about the same shape, North America looks a little bit like a Metroid.


This must be a translation oddity, because I'm having a hard time believing the final step to evolve is a bunch of crazed gray squirrels.


On to Greenland! Which is actually green!


The Sincerous are free from deceit when they tell you to watch out for creatures that can hold things in their hands called "tools".












The three Great Lakes are each home to a species that... doesn't really belong there.




Grizzlies have better priority than bite or kick attacks when they swipe with their claws, and that makes them dangerous.


It's not a bad idea to wait until nighttime and jump past them as they sleep.

[R^2]

Hidden Segosaurus: Wah! Here comes another enemy! Don't attack us please! We like to live in peace. Please leave us alone!


Hidden Segosaurus: Really? Thank you! I will tell you a secret for your kindness. In the cave at the Southern continent, there are strange creatures no one has ever seen before. They evolved with the face of a cat and the body of a rabbit.

...


...

[R^2]

Eohip buck and kick, but are some of the least dangerous enemies since the squirrels.




Hiding among the dense bamboo forests of South America are saber-toothed cats. The game gets pretty dull when it falls back on "One level, one kind of enemy" design in later chapters.




Condor: Hey, I saw it! I saw a silver shining object like a bird flying. I've never seen such a bird!

Huh. I wonder if you can see it from the mountaintop.


Ikustega: We are pleased to see the plant life increasing. We will continue to monitor the plant life as long as the sky is blue.


Great! Now get the hell off my mountain.


At the peak is a blue crystal.


That's nice and all, but I don't see any silver objects like a bird.


This is what the green crystals are for!

As you play, you can record your current form into a record of evolution. Spending a green crystal -- you can only carry one at a time, alas -- allows you to revert to one of those recorded forms for about a minute.






Hell yeah.




Fly straight up from the peak, and...


Whisper A: We should stop the evolution experiment.
Whisper B: I agree with you.
Whisper A: We have continued this experiment to try and avoid the evolutionary mistakes our ancestors made. But this was wrong. Recall all of the crystals used in the experiment!
Whisper B: I am afraid some of the creatures learned of the power of the crystals.
Whisper A: What!? Only beings from our tribe can understand the secret of the crystals. I wonder... Are there other creatures like us.


You maniacs! You... well, you didn't blow it up. But you certainly screwed stuff up!


Arrgh!


I'm not saying it was aliens: We regret our action, and we will never interfere again.


But it was aliens: Thank you so much. What an open minded creature! For your kindness we will take you to our planet.


During your long journey you heard stories from them.


Whisper A: ...more than a billion years ago. We live peacefully nowadays, but we made many mistakes and almost destroyed our planet.
Whisper B: I was afraid you would evolve in the same way and make the same mistakes we did. That is the reason we delivered the Crystal. However, I was meddling and I apologize.
Whisper A: We should be able to see our planet soon.

I like that we're still whispering even though we're in the same room now. To be fair, these guys whispering can be heard from the ground when they're flying around overhead, so they're not really quiet anyway.


After staying for awhile, you may come back to Earth safely.

[R^2]

Well, that explains everything! The giant bees, the asteroid dinosaurs...


The... chimps...


Monkey Human: We can use tools by the power of crystals. We have to keep such crystals in our hands. Oogi...

That's generally how tools are used, yes.


He hucks a stone at your head before retreating into the cave.


Um, yeah, I'm surprised a little.

Monkey Human: If you choose the direction, it will take you there automatically. This is a very convenient device.

Yeah, without it you might have to climb around your own home like an ape or something.

Monkey Human: The creature living in the East taught me how to make this.


The Cave of Monkey Human is a maze. A maze filled with monkeys. Some of them huck stones, some of them flip onto the ceiling, and some carry giant boulders. Seems a bit unnecessary. Most societies invent bows and arrows or, you know, spears before they invent the elevator, but whaddyagonnado.


Some rooms have chimps that talk to you before they try to crush you with boulders. I don't even try to understand anymore.

Monkey Human: ...the east. We must solve the secret of the crystals in order to do this. Oogi...

Monkey Human: A friend of mine was playing in the circle of stones and suddenly disappeared. Where is he? Oogi...


A change of decor!


Yeti: ...our sanctuary without permission. No one can damage the Yeti burial ground. Oh, I can hear, the sad voices of our ancestors.


...are you fucking kidding me?

Yeti: Finally the time has come. We should revenge our Yeti humiliation. I will not waste my time. Our humiliation will end!


Look, it's not my fault your ancestors were trying to genocide every mammal species that exists. As we all damn well know by now, genocide is only okay if I do it.


Anyway, this yeti jabs three times, attempting to stunlock you long enough to catch you with his uppercut. It works... sometimes.


But not well enough. If I still had a Horse body and a Mane my Defense and HP would be so low the four-hit combo might well kill me instantly, but Rhinocerouses with Bull Horns are remarkably resiliant.

[R^2]

Ditryma: Please listen to my story. A long time ago, our ancestors built a castle that reached far into the sky. They had tried to reach the universe but were removed by some strange force. That is why we don't have wings.


Ditryma wander back and forth, look up at the heavens they will never reach, and cry. The game tries to lay the guilt on pretty thick for those mandatory plot events you did earlier.


Hey, a circle of stones. I wonder what this is


fooooooooorrrrrrrr...

[R^2]

...oh.

Nowhere to go from here, though.


Hey, you're back!

Queen Bee: How great the one living in the North is. He made us big again and we are very grateful. We can't let you pass here because we are showing our respect for him.

The Queen Bee is unchanged from her boss status at the end of Chapter 2. But I, however, am much stronger.


A bit slower, so she catches me with a few of those drill stings, but stronger.


There's another circle here for transport back.

[R^2]

Gaia: ...Rogons into violent creatures. They have been attacking the Whales. Please defeat the Rogons and save the whales.


As the name implies, Final Ocean is the last aquatic stage.


Cola-fish!


Policeosaurus!


K-king Kuraselache...

Hey yeah I found where "Kuraselache" comes from.


Rogon: We heard some creatures from land took over our domain, so we are going to attack them. By the way, you look like...

What? A whale? You think an aquatic rhinoceros with giant fangs and bull horns looks like a whale? I'm gonna have to tag [cetacean needed] there, buddy.


The Rogons are anthropomorphic sharks carrying guns and riding other non-anthro sharks. Why couldn't I ever evolve into that?

Oh yeah, because they used the crystal and crystals are bad and hey I've been eating four colors of crystal since the beginning of the game how come they're evil and I'm Gaia's Avenger over here?


The Rogon cave is another maze, and at the end is... a sunken ruin. Makes you wonder who built it, since presumably if it was a Rogon city it'd be in better shape. I'm just going to assume it's the fallen architecture from Fort Bird-Man and not think about it any more even though that doesn't make even a little bit of sense.




King Rogon: We are protected by the power of the crystal. We Rogons can only rule the sea.

Oh, then I don't care. I live on the land, usually.

Or did you mean "Only we Rogons can rule the sea"? Because that's different.

King Rogon: We can not allow whales to stay. Once they evolved themselves to become creatures of land, now they have returned to the sea to oppose our rule. The sea is our territory. Well, I have a point do I not?






The Whales and Rogons were invincible in the sea. There was no one to go against them."

Rogon: Eat! Eat! Eat them all! We have the strongest power. The strongest one will control this planet.

Rogons conquered all the sea. Even the strongest sharks and whales with great intelligence obeyed him. Thousands of years have passed...


King Rogon: ...a large fish is here.

Something is falling.


Fisherman: ...shape.
Captain: I don't care. We will grind it down to fish cake.
Rogon: Ahhhh! Help me!

After you lose a leader, you will get lonely and start to wander.


Pff, to hell with that. Same as I told the Tyrasaurus: If all I get for following you is the chance to eat everything I come across? That's no reward at all.

I do that anyway. It's my thing.

[R^2]

Now that's just hurtful.


King Rogon has a beam that blinds you, narrowing your field of vision. He then swims around just outside it where you can't see him, lunging in for claw and headbutt attacks.


And if you evolve to heal up... Hey, is that the "Hands and Feet" option? Man, I haven't seen that since the first Chapter!


...that's it? Well...


That seals it. Every where I look, I sea lion.


Evolve further? Why not! (It is the only option left, you can't grow horns or fangs as a seal.)


Okay, now I can kind of see why the Rogons might think I'm a whale.

Fight, fight, and fight some more...




I'm a... I turned into a... what the hell is that thing?


Strong enough to win the fight, is what it is.



So anyway, for completion's sake here's the last form. You can only do these things if you're a quadruped mammal when you get to Final Ocean.




The mermaid form is strong, but can't evolve anything. Not even a change in body size! This means she can't heal at all. If you come into the fight with King Rogon as a mermaid, you have to perform flawlessly and win without ever needing to restore your HP. So it's not that great after all!


The next room is full of cheering dolphins. Pods of orca swim by in the background.




Whale King: I was afraid they would continue ruling the sea by using the power of the crystal. I am very relieved. I wonder if you are the chosen one. Can you save this world created by the crystal?

Sure thing. Even if I die, Gaia resurrects me. I've lived for millions of years as it is. So yep, chosen one. Right here.

Whale King: We will blow the cloud over the mountain in Eden away using our will power. Go back to the land. I will give you a new body so that you can fight on land again.




You dick! This is my old body!

Yeah, you can't be a mermaid anywhere but in the waters of Final Ocean. The option to evolve hands and feet isn't available on this screen, to prevent you from evolving into it and jumping onto land, and you can't come back here until you've beaten the Rogon King.

[R^2]

I'm not 100% certain how whales can blow away a continent-spanning cloud, but at this point you just roll with the game's weird-ass logic.






There were King Kuraselache in the Final Ocean, a Queen Bee at the south tip of this continent, and here's a herd of Tyrasaurus. In true Enix fashion, there's a boss rush at the end of the game.

Tyrasaurus: We were nearly to the point of extinction, but the one living in the North saved us. He made us into a very important ancestor.


w/e man


To make absolutely certain you fight your way through, this stage is set up high, without any other platforms to get from one side to the other.

[R^2]

Guardian of This Cave Which Leads to Eden: Who are you? I've never seen you before. I am Cro-Maine. I am the guardian of this cave which leads to Eden. Once I belonged to the Monkey-Human tribe but they didn't like me because I had less hair and was smarter than the rest. When I was alone, one being in the cave treated me very well. He ordered me not to let anyone pass here so I can't let you in.


Grrrr!


Cro-Maine's club swing has a lot of knockback. If he hits you from the right, you'll fly off the left side of the screen, exiting the level. Time to start over!


But his attack pattern is very simple, so it's easy to lock him into an exploitable pattern. Each time you hit him, he tries to leap onto your head. Take a few steps to the side so he misses and kick him.


Once you've got him in a pattern of using his weak stomp attack, you've won.

[R^2]

Okay, so maybe that last screenshot was a little deceptive. I left the Entrance to Eden to go grind up a lot of EP. And evolve a rabbit body, because I'm going to try to charm my way into Eden with fluffy, adorable antics.


...that does not augur well.


Dino-Person: We are the Dino-People. We escaped extinction and evolved. We are the only ones who use the crystal.

Hah. Reality check, bubby. Half the guys I've eaten in this game used the crystal at some point.

Dino-Person: It is too dangerous to keep this crystal. We must seal off the crystal immediately. Until then no one may enter Eden. Go home. If you don't go home you will surely regret staying here!


I guess the Martians had a point about dino-people evolving. Or maybe they didn't, who can even tell what sort of moral message the game is trying to tell anymore?


Dino-People attack with jump-kicks and Hadoukens.


The level isn't particularly long, but the Dino-People attacks are a bit hard to avoid in the featureless hallways. Like the Segosaurus told me to, I evolve a cat smile to match my rabbit body.




Which allows me to evolve into the Ramothecus body.


Dino-People: ...the crystal has exploded!




Your whole idea for sealing away the crystal was "put it in a ceramic pot"?


I'm sucked up into the channel of energy leading out of the crystal.

[R^2]

Bunch of Floating Obs: ...from Gaia. I am Bolbox, the strongest creature in this world. I have evolved into a caveman by eating the crystals the Dino-People have collected. I will go to Eden. I am the most suitable partner for Gaia, together we will rule the future. I've got some bad news for you. You will not make it to Eden. This is the end of your journey.


He says he's a caveman, but... that doesn't look like a caveman's silhouette.


Nope! He's a giant amorphous blob.


I'm sure there's some sort of vulgar joke I can make about this screenshot, but I'm just... not sure... what it could be...


Anyway, hit Bolbox a couple of times on the end of the pseudopod and he barfs up one of the orbs.




This one turns into one of the avian swordsmen from Fort Bird-Man.


As you fight, Bolbox occasionally strikes with a tentacle thrust. Man, I know there's a joke I can make! I just know it!


The swordsbird fight is a pretty good introduction to how the fight works, given that it's not terribly difficult to take down a regular enemy that just has a few extra HP. You even get to heal afterwards by eating it.


Barf!


...seriously?


It's still not dangerous. It's a jellyfish, for god's sake. It's literally the first enemy in the game. It's like if Bowser set up a fight with a larger-than-normal Goomba as a boss in one of his castles, and you still won by jumping on its head once.


Still a full heal, though.


Barf!


Having exhausted almost all the options for a boss rush on the world map, the game resorts to a king mook rush instead.


The giant Prasauro still takes a second to charge up its attack, giving you ample time to shove it into the corner and bite it in the crotch until it dies. It's even easier than the swordsbird.


Eventually the fighting takes its toll, but like the cetaceans in the Final Ocean, the Ramothecus has very few options.


...hmm.


Well, whatever works. Bipeds finally use the "Strike" attack option on the status screen to reflect their use of tools.

[R^2]

Barf!


Barf!

The pink Debustega is actually hard, completely by accident. He has no stun animation when he's hit, so he can immediately counterattack whenever you hit him.


It takes enough effort that I need to heal again.




Uh, twice.




Bipeds are super-strong, and that stone axe can only be outdone by Fierce Jaws and a Mane in damage output. But they lack the kick attack I've gotten so used to using up to now, and the axe is a split-second slower to hit than a bite attack. It makes a difference in a fight with an enemy you can't stunlock.


Thankfully the human form has an evolution option to heal up.


I mean, I end up looking like a halfling barbarian who wandered out of his native D&D game, but a win is a win. Barf!


The giant Zinichthys is one of the hardest phases of the Bolbox fight. It's fast as it charges around, and if you don't time it perfectly, you don't have time to hit it and dodge. Even if you hit, it immediately resumes its charge attack after the stun animation ends, so you might get bitten anyway.


Humans are pretty good, sure. But you know what's better?


Rargh!


As a bird-form, you can use a tackle attack to knock the giant Zinichthys to the floor. It'll immediately charge you to bite again, giving you just enough time to step back, turn, run, and tackle it again. Tackling is one of the few moves that has a decent shot of breaking the Zinichthys' attack, but you need a bit of aerial maneuverability to make it work reliably.


Barf!


The endless war between humans and cockroaches begins now, in the dawn of prehistory.


The giant Profasu has a simple but effective attack pattern. It crawls around on the floor until it's hit, at which point it flies in large circles around the room. Here humans are at a disadvantage: a quadruped mammal with a long neck can bit the giant Profasu and simply turn around, the arc of the Profasu's flight narrowly missing the back of a quadruped's head and hindquarters by the narrowest margin. Humans, being more upright, don't have that luxury. I hit it, take the counter as it starts flying, and start tackling. The tackle has better knockback, so it can shove the Profasu out of an effective counterattack range.




Bolbox is almost out of orbs, so things are probably gonna get pretty hairy...


...or maybe the game will give you a break. Free meat!


Okay, this is it. The last orb. Could it be a giant Sand-Eater? Those were invincible! An Edasaurus? Those guys had deceptively wicked range on their fin swipes. An oversized Tritops? Without a platform to hide on that could be difficult. Nautilon? Pronesaurus? Prime Bird? Mammoth? Man, it could be anything, blown up to a terrifying size and strength!


But it isn't. It's a baby Ikustega, which runs away.

[R^2]

GETTIN' REAL SICK OF YOUR SHIT, BOLBOX

Might as well hit him until he brings out his final form for the real last boss fight.




Or he could just freeze up and disintegrate. Man, choosing phases of your final boss fight randomly can lead to a really anticlimactic end.


Gaia: Thank you for defeating Bolbox. We would not have had any future in the land of Eden if they would have come here. Let us go to Eden. Finally we are close to the end of evolution.






I know!

Gaia: Finally you have reached Eden. You have passed a severe test of nature. You have completed the trial: "Survival of the fittest". Our future is before us. We can control our destiny. Let's continue our journey.






Whisper A: ...successful.
Whisper B: That is correct. It was our pride and I am very sorry we intervened in the evolution of this planet.
Whisper A: I think it is okay now. They can become even better creatures now than we ever expected!
Whisper B: You are right. We should advise them only if they have a real problem. We should watch over them with a kindness.
Whisper A: It shall be done. We will do this until our culture has developed on Mars.


The Sun: ...completed the trial. From now on please be a good partner to Gaia and create a wonderful planet. I would like to give you something called "Intelligence". You can create a "Civilization", and help the world prosper by using your "Intelligence". Please be careful and use it wisely. If you use it improperly you will have a much harder trial than the one you just experienced. If you choose wisely, you will create a wonderful world. We will give you the land of Eden and accept you into our family, the Sun family. Go to Eden with Gaia.






I'm the only one here.


The Time-Trans opens up again, but where I go is a

[Niku]

god, i had forgotten just how bizarre that final boss fight really was