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[Niku]

Oh, you wanted a sequel to Final Fantasy V?  Well Final Fantasy V's back.  In anime form.

Seeing Legend of the Crystals long before actually playing the game and realizing what the hell it even had to do with Final Fantasy was an exercise in teenage-me understanding Vietnam flashbacks once Mid showed up in game and the floodgates of repression began to open.

[Classic]

Someone once told me that series had too many panties for a Final Fantasy property.
I am pretty sure they were lying. But it got me to watch Laputa and Nausicaa sooner. So I'm guessing that's a net positive.

[Zaratustra]

I'd actually like to see a -prequel- because I want to play as a werewolf.

[R^2]

Someone once told me that series had too many panties for a Final Fantasy property.
I am pretty sure they were lying. But it got me to watch Laputa and Nausicaa sooner. So I'm guessing that's a net positive.

Have they even seen Maria's and Rosa's outfits?

[Sharkey]

I guess the moral here is just don't make Final Fantasy sequels.

[patito]

They weren't lying though, Legend of the crystals has a lot of panties.

[R^2]

So I watched Legend of the Crystals! It's like they had a checklist of things they wanted in the movie from the game -- Wind Shrine, giant friendly sea creature, flight on dragonback, pirates -- without actually bothering to make the game at all relevant.

And yes, there were a lot of panties.

[R^2]

West of Bal castle is a cave that connects the middle section of that continent with the Big Bridge, thus giving soldiers from Bal a reasonable way to raid Exdeath's castle at the beginning of this section of the game.



And within that cave, on a side path, is this door.


Past this door, the first panel gives you 10 gil, for free.


The next step gives 20.


Every step gives you free money! Twice as much as the step before!


By the time you're done, you've earned a total of 81,910 gil. Risk-free!


Well, risk-free if you ignore the Gil Turtle. I mentioned this guy in my Final Fantasy 4 LP, after he was retrofitted into that game. This original incarnation is no joke! He hits hard, sometimes causing poison or confusion with his strikes. His special ability is called "Turtle", which might be a pun in Japanese or something, and hits two targets with life-threatening damage and blind status.


The good news is, all his attacks are physical hits, so Golem can protect the party completely.


And for whatever reason, Gil Turtle counts as an undead beast. He's immune to Phoenix Downs, but vulnerable to Requiem.


When he runs out of HP, he causes an Earthquake with his last breath.


Sonofabitch.

[R^2]

Next time around I have some better preparations. Including Float status. Bartz and Faris run interference with Image and use of items. Lenna and Krile sing Requiem and summon Golem as necessary.


You'd expect more money from a monster named after money.


Anyway, I do this run a few times to build up a whole goddamn lot of cash.


But that's the last thing to do, short of grinding Staffs of Light. Guess I'll camp out for a couple nights on Exdeath's front step and see if anything happens.

[R^2]

(Nothing does.)


A few Bal soldiers are scattered around the entrance. Apparently they tried to stop Exdeath at the gate when he returned from Moore, and... failed.


New dungeon, new monsters.


While you can explore the basement where Galuf rescued the party, there's nothing new there. So go upstairs and...


...there's nothing there, either.




Of course! Mary Sue knows the way!

[R^2]

...that's not your grandpa, kiddo.

Kelger: Dorgann, Xezat, and Galuf have all shuffled off this mortal coil... *cough cough* I fear I haven't much longer, either...
Wolves: Lord Kelger!
Kelger: It's nearing the time for that longest of rests...

The ghost of Galuf appears above Kelger's bed, but given that he flickers in and out, I don't get a screenshot of him there.

Kelger: Who goes there? ...Galuf? Galuf, is it you? Krile is...? Galuf... Understood. Everyone... Lend me your strength!
Wolves: Lord Kelger!
Kelger: Let us rend the illusion Exdeath has created! This is my last wish and command. Send all your power to Exdeath's castle!


Kelger is no more. That's all four Dawn Warriors gone, now.


Bartz: It must be Kelger!
Krile: Everyone's power...




Ew. The walls pulse and gyrate, as though the whole castle were alive. Shortly thereafter, a door opens on the north wall allowing the party to proceed.


With the illusion gone, the monsters get tougher. Magic Dragons teach the party a new blue spell, though: Level 2 Old.


Did you train a Geomancer? Because Light Step lets the party make this obligatory lava walk without damage. Even if you haven't, Geomancers have it innate, so switching anyone into the job works too.


This room has a Hayate Bow in a hidden passage, which is an attack upgrade and sometimes uses !Rapid Fire instead of a basic attack or !Aim.

[R^2]

The bridge slides back and forth across the pit. You get to stop it wherever you can -- the chests are a new longsword and a new katana, and the middle area is the path forward. If you stop on one of the four walls, a monster -- either an Abductor or a Jackanapes -- pops out and attacks.


Random encounters thereafter include red, yellow, and blue dragons. Which are tough fights! You can steal Flame Rings from Red Dragons if you're lucky, but I'm not.


I'll just have to console myself with this massive reward for ABP.


What's that over there?


It's a dull puzzle to reach the sparkle, so I'm skipping it.


Series veterans know exactly what to expect from this battle. Carbuncle is a Reflect specialist. Early in the fight he bounces -ra level magic onto the party. Later he bounces Death and Break and other higher-level spells.


A single Break Sword from a Mystic Knight will kill Carbuncle. If I'd properly prepared, I'd have done that! Instead I just slog it out.






Gilgamesh: Ohh, you guys are sooo burned!


Bartz and Gilgamesh run to the left before tackling one another, starting the fight.

[R^2]

Gilgamesh opens the battle by obligingly catching me up on some missed blue magic.


Gilgamesh: I must say, I quite enjoy these tussles. I feel we've gained an understanding...

He smacks somebody.

Gilgamesh: ...an understanding that I will pound you silly! Ha ha!


Gilgamesh: ...what happened to that spry old fellow?
Krile: He...he fought Exdeath, and...
Gilgamesh: ...I see.


It seems like there's a lot of talking -- and there is -- but after every conversational snippet Gilgamesh hits somebody. I'm not certain whether doing damage prompts his talk-and-hit scripts, or if he talks before he takes every turn, but the fight continues nonetheless.


Hey! That's a good line!




Apparently there are some people out there who miss what seems to me to be an obvious joke: this is an exact description of my party members.




Whapow! Gilgamesh sprouts the eight-armed form that he tends to call back on in later game appearances, each one holding a different weapon.




He takes a swing at Lenna, and gets Shirahidori'd. But had he not, it soon becomes obvious: Gilgamesh can't break double-digit damage now that he's morphed.




You feel betrayed? You managed to sleep my Thief, and the gentle tap I used to try to wake her up ended up killing her!


I almost didn't have time to steal your Genji Helm!

[R^2]

Exdeath: You worthless fool! For your continued bungling, I banish you from this dimension!
Gilgamesh: Wh-what!? No! Anything but that!
Exdeath: Silence!


The spell effect here is, appropriately, Banish. It's high-level Time magic that flings the target into the space between dimensions.






The first appearance of the Excalibur-spoof sword, Excalipoor! It's a more subtle pun in Japanese, where the symbols that make "pu" and "bu" are virutally identical.


Excalipoor has crazy-high attack power and a special script that applies to attacks made with it: divide damage dealt by 100. It's utter shit used as a basic attack, but there are a few tricks: it can be !Thrown by a Ninja for full-power damage, and Goblin Punch uses its base attack power but ignores the damage-dividing script. Here Krile uses Goblin Punch to do impressive damage to a fiendish rabbit.

[A²]

Enson Cover Songs Collection Vol.1 - Masaaki Endoh - Go Go Power Rangers

[R^2]

Bartz: Exdeath! No way we'll let you get away with this!
Exdeath: Mwa-hahahaha... Have you any idea what I plan to get away with in the first place?
Bartz: Wha? No, but...
Exdeath: You all fight so fiercely, yet have no idea of the truth... Hmph. I will return the earth to how it used to be.
Bartz: You mean you'll turn it to a world full of evil!
Exdeath: Believe what you wish. Simple-minded fools such as yourselves could never hope to understand my motives. It matters not. I will tolerate no more interruptions!


We've battled across two worlds and fought countless dragons and powerful monsters in the big bad evil guy's fortress stronghold. We even found the legendary blade Excalibur (or something like it) just a moment ago! Ready for the final battle?


Exdeath doesn't have any gimmicks, this is a down-to-earth brawl with a powerful warlock. Exdeath opens with Doom, a blue spell that gives the target 30 seconds before an unavoidable Death spell is cast on them. Oddly, Exdeath can also cast plain ol' regular Death to do the same thing without the wait. He can also cast Firaga, Thundaga, Blizzaga, and Aeroga, Earth Shaker, Meteor, Gravity, and Level 3 Flare. If you try to protect the party with defensive magic, he Dispels it; trying to cast Float to avoid Earth Shaker has him remove that with a unique skill. His physical attack is replaced by a special Vacuum Wave, which does severe damage and causes HP drain. He has 50,000 HP and a weakness to Holy -- hope you brought some Staffs of Light.


Whew!




The crystals of the second world have a different sprite and a different breaking animation, using the standard sparkles instead of the flickering dome of crystal shards.

[R^2]

Hooray! We beat the last boss and everyone gets to go back home! Happy ending for everyone!




Lenna: Father...he--
Chancellor: The king's passing was a great loss...However, we must do our best to continue on without him. Additionally, Princess Sarisa has returned, when we thought her dead... It is cause for celebration!
Faris: Sarisa... My true name...
Chancellor: Yes, my lady.
Faris: The name Papa gave me...


Chancellor: Preparations for the banquet are ready. Of course, your acquaintances are welcome to attend.






Faris cleans up awful nice. Bartz can barely hide his erection.


Anyway, there's dancing to be done once the royals assume their thrones.

[R^2]

Bartz: Krile...how're you holding up?
Krile: All right... It's not so painful anymore, but... I guess I just feel anxious. It's like Grandpa is fussing at us to hurry.
Bartz: Mm, I think I get it. Let's check it out.
Krile: Huh? What?
Bartz: We're back in my world. There's gotta be a reason for that, right? Let's find out what it is.
Krile: ...Okay!


But you can't get to the thrones without crossing the dance floor, and you can't cross the dance floor without getting bumped into.


Bartz: No way they can slip away, so...






Krile: Boko?
Bartz: He's my prized chocobo -- and my best friend.
Krile: Oh, really?
Bartz: What, you don't believe me?
Krile: Well, you're so poor at riding wind drakes...
Bartz: Hey! You little--

Bartz shoves Krile to one side.






Mary Sues must never be tarnished! Krile easily gets the best of him.

[patito]

I saw the white mage but I still haven't seen a berserker out of Mary Sue yet

[R^2]

Wait... was there always a river here?


Well, no matter.


Boko: Kwehhh!!!
Krile: Hello! I'm Krile!
Bartz: Huh? You speak chocobo, too?
Krile: Just a little.

Of fucking course you do.

Krile: I think he wants to introduce us to someone.


Bartz: Boko! You stud, you! Listen, Boko, I've got a favor to ask...
Boko: Kweh!
Krile: He says he already knows.
Bartz: Wha?
Krile: He says you're leaving on another journey, right?
Bartz: Boko, is that okay? I know you got the little woman and all... What's he saying?
Krile: He says that he loves her...
Bartz: Slick!
Krile: ...And that while he's away, to take care of the babies...
Bartz: Babies!?
Krile: Koko has little ones on the way! She says she'll be waiting here for him.
Bartz: Koko...thanks! Don't worry, we'll come back safe!
Koko: Kweh!




So now there's a chocobo to ride through rivers.


...was that bridge always there? Seems awfully... big...


And this mountain pass wasn't here before...


And there's the cave entrance where we spotted Faris's ship for the first time! This is supposed to be an inland sea, not a prairie!


We can see the airship from here, but the mountains prevent us from reaching it.