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[R^2]

Music: What?
You know what's fun? Searching for a song on YouTube called, depending on the version of the game, either "??" or "What?". It's the song that plays in odd circumstances. Not mysterious, just... odd. Like this one:


Aged Man: You the clockmaker? I been waitin' for ages!
Sabin: Uh, no, I'm not the clockmaker...
Aged Man: There she is, hangin' up on that wall over there! Ain't been tickin' for a year now! Five years, was it? Shucks, maybe it's been ten, I don't remember!

Aged Man: Oh, got it! Lawnmower repairman, eh? Couldn't provide worse service! Grass's fifty feet high out back!

Aged Man: No more lip, repairman! Fix that stove, on the double! It'll be on your conscience when I freeze to death!

Aged Man: Hmm? Then you must be... You're here to fix my bed! It's been creakin' like all git-out!


No clock in the game actually moves, you can't see his backyard, and his bed seems fine... but the stove is nuclear-hot to the touch.


Aged Man: A kid? I don't have any kids! Ugh, why'd you have to bring up kids? Makes me sick just thinkin' about it! I think it's time for you to leave now! Go on, git! Or I'll toss you out onto the Veldt, too!



...so. Merchant, ninja, crazy repair-obsessed guy. Sabin's off to a great start.

[Romosome]

He brings up kids himself, then says that? In the SNES I thought Sabin said something about kids and he replied. Translation error which way?

[R^2]

He's too kooky to pay attention to what he, himself, is saying.

[Romosome]

I think that actually is a screwup. Direct japanese script translations have the party going "No child could be this mischevious" after the stove blows up at them (assuming someone screwed with it to make it that way I guess), then the old man flipping out.

[spoiler]I only care because the characterization of this guy as a really bad drunkard, rather than just nuts, is something easily missed and it's a lot more tragic[/spoiler]

[R^2]

Music: Troops March On




The Camp has no world map sprite. It's just a patch of desert blocking the way into Doma. There are an awful lot of soldiers here.




Soldier B: Oh, you mean--
Soldier A: Shhh! Keep your voice down! If Kefka catches us, we're toast!
Soldier B: They say Kefka's plotting to drive away General Leo so he can take over his position as general...

Kefka is court magician, but not a proper military officer. Taking over a position as general is kind of weird, but he is Gestahl's right-hand man.

Soldier B: Don't even joke about something like that. If that freak becomes our general, I'll quit!
Solder A: Shhh! What if he hears you? You'll be locked up!
Solder B: All right, all right!




Soldier A: Yes, sir! Kefka, sir! What a pleasant surprise! How are you today, sir?
Kefka: Please, spare me your petty small talk! Just do your job! And don't let me catch you slacking, or I'll make you regret being born!


Soldier B: What's wrong with that guy, anyway? It's like General Leo got all the good qualities a man could have, and Kefka got stuck with the rest...
Solder A: Shhh! I just told you to keep it down! How many times are you gonna make me say it? You've gotta be more careful! General Leo may be a decent man, but Kefka... that guy's twisted!

At this point Kefka pounces in, yells "Gotcha!" and roasts Soldier A with his magic.

Well, no, that doesn't happen, but for Soldier A to finally join in the gossip and then immediately get punished for it? Heh heh.


Captain: The two of you will join the assault squad! Get moving!

[R^2]

The troops spread out and try to climb the walls of Doma castle.


Doman Sentry So, this is it...



Music: Cyan's theme

[R^2]

You can attack the mooks first, if you want.


Cyan -- technically Ka-yen but nobody's going to argue much if you pronounce it like the color -- is a Samurai... sort of. He's slow and strong, uses katanas as weapons, and his special skill is Bushido; but he lacks some of the trademark skills Final Fantasy 5 gave the Samurai job like gil-throwing and barehanded blade-catching.


There are eight attacks in the full skillset, but he only knows three to start. When you choose Bushido, the meter slowly fills up. Press the button when the proper number is highlighted to use that attack.


Attack #1, useable immediately, is Fang. It's a solid hit that never misses against one random target.




Attack #2, after a short wait, is Sky. Which... does nothing.


...until Cyan is attacked, that is.


Sky triggers a staggeringly powerful counterattack each time Cyan is hit between the activation of Sky and his next turn. When Cyan is the only target for the enemies, it turns him from a slow, methodical fighter into a lightning-quick death-dealing counterattack machine. This strike did over 700 damage, while Sabin's Blitzes or Shadow's shuriken might do around 200.


The captain was defeated handily and easily. You grunts have no chance.

[R^2]

...without what?


There are enough soldiers off on the Doma raid for Sabin and Shadow to have a look around the Imperial Camp. This stuck chest can be ignored, hit to open it without penalty, or kicked...


...to prompt the guard dogs outside to attack. This is the only place in the game to find Dobermans, so why not. During the fight, Shadow deftly parries a hit...




...and sets his attack dog on the dog who struck him. Shadow is a ninja... sort of. Most ninja in the series don't journey with dogs they use to deflect attacks and counter for them. He can't even dual-wield without the same item everyone else uses. He is pretty good at throwing weapons, though.


These guys are even dumber than the Genome soldiers from Metal Gear Solid. As long as you don't talk to them, they don't notice you're there.

[R^2]

Time to duck behind a barrier and eavesdrop on some more conversations!




Well, they are samurai. Standing around waiting for the perfect chance to strike is kind of their thing.

Soldier: General... We're ready to storm the castle as soon as you give the order...
Leo: Patience! If we attack now, there will be too many unnecessary casualties.
Soldier: But... General! I'm prepared to lay down my life for the Empire at any time!
Leo: You're from Maranda, are you not?
Soldier: Huh? I mean, yes, sir, I am, but... why do you ask, sir?
Leo: You would have me go there and deliver the news of your passing to your family? What would I say when I handed them your sword? How could I even look at them? You're a human being before you're a soldier. Don't be so eager to throw away your life. Emperor Gestahl wouldn't want you to die for nothing.
Soldier: Yes, sir!

The soldier departs.


...to be replaced immediately by another, also named "Soldier".

Soldier: A carrier pigeon arrived from Emperor Gestahl!


This is Leo's response when he turns away to read. He's not baffled by carrier pigeon technology.


Soldier: Understood, sir.
Leo: I'll leave the rest in your hands.
Soldier: Yes, sir.
Leo: Listen to me... Don't rush things. That's all I ask.
Soldier: Sir! Leave it to us, sir!
Leo: I'm counting on you.

[R^2]

Whoops! Can't run off without more words words words words words


Kefka: Anyone who touches it'll be pushing up daisies! Hee-hee...


Kefka: Hmph! I'll take care of things faster than you ever would!
Leo: Nothing dirty, Kefka! They may be enemies but they are still human beings. Try not to forget that.
Kefka: We needn't show mercy to those who side with the Returners. ...Which is good, because I never seem to have any of the stuff.




Soldier But, General Leo said--
Kefka: Leo's not here anymore. I'm in charge now. Fork it over!
Soldier: Some of our people are being held prisoner inside the castle! If any of them were to drink the water...
Kefka: Who cares? They're the ones who were stupid enough to get caught by the enemy!








PAWNCH


Sabin: Kefka! Wait!
Kefka: "Wait", he says... Do I look like a waiter?

[R^2]

DOES HE LOOK LIKE A WAITER


Before catching up with Kefka, take a moment to loot the nearby tent.


Whoops.


Satellite is only difficult because it can berserk party members. Sabin is currently beet-red with righteous fury. It sounds an alarm when near death, calling two Imperial Soldiers into the fight.


Right. Back to business.


The battle plays out the same.




He won't hold back in... calling the guards on us.


Templars have a habit of countering hits with an Axe attack.

[R^2]

Music: Kefka's theme




The river turns a sickly purple color.










*whump*


The next sentry slumps over the parapet and falls to the unforgiving ground below.


The camera pans around as Doman soldiers wordlessly die, often faceplanting without warning.


Sentry: What a low-down, contemptible...!
Cyan: We must warn the king!

[R^2]

Music: The Unforgiven






King: Who's there...?
Cyan: Cyan, Your Excellency!
King: Oh, Cyan... My sight is failing... I cannot see your face...
Cyan: Excellency! Please, you must be strong!
King: Cyan... You have defended this realm since the days of my father  before me... I thank you... for your service. Urgh... Forgive me... I failed to protect our kingdom...
Cyan: No, Excellency, the fault lies not with thee!
King: I fear for your family... Ohhh... my chest burns... with every breath..
Cyan: Speak not, my lord! Save thy strength!
King: Go...to your family...*cough*...*gasp*... ...
Cyan: Excellency!
Sentry: Sir Cyan!
Cyan: There may still be survivors in the castle!
Sentry: Let's split up and search...






Most of the passages inside the castle are blocked by Doman corpses. Only one room left to check...


...and it's Cyan's.

[R^2]

Why yes, that is Cyan charging into the Imperial camp with the sole intention of personally swording every single soldier stationed there.






Bit early with the screenshot here, as the enemies haven't zoomed onscreen yet. But Cyan is uncontrollable here, and attacks foes with regular hits or Fang every turn.






This prompts another battle, identical to the one before it.




By the way? Don't stand in front of Cyan when you talk to him each time.

[R^2]

Another auto-fight! I think this one includes a Templar.


Sabin: No need for thanks! I'm Sabin, from the kingdom of Figaro. We should get out of here!
Cyan: But I must avenge my family and my countrymen...!
Sabin: If we stick around any longer, we'll have an entire regiment down our throats!
Offscreen Soldier: There they are! This way!
Sabin: Hoo boy... I have an idea... Follow me.


Sabin: I'll explain later! Just climb in!


Sabin pushes Cyan into the pilot's seat.


Sabin: Oh, for...! Thou art getting to be quite a pain in the-- Great, now I'm even starting to talk like you!
Sabin: Listen! See that lever? The one right by your hand? Push it down.


The controls on Magitek armor must be awfully intuitive, or Sabin has a lot of questions to answer about how he knows how to pilot one. Anyway, Cyan starts turning mad donuts.






Cyan bodychecks a few soldiers out of the way on his uncontrolled rampage.


Shadow found his own Magitek armor, too.

[R^2]

All three party members can fire the elemental lasers and use the free healing Magitek Armor provides. Which is good, because there are several fights with similarly-equipped Imperials on the way out of camp.


Cyan:    Narshe? I believe the only route passes through the forest to the south, but--
Sabin: All right! If we're going into the woods, I guess we won't be needing these hunks of scrap metal anymore. Let's get going!


Back on the world map, Cyan has become a permanent addition to the team.


Dog-type attacks are ineffective against Flying-type monsters.


Alas, poor Doma! You never stood a chance, because the game needed a really obvious example of Kefka's lack of humanity.


Forest to the south, got it. (Can't miss it, really.)

Music: Phantom Forest


Sounds like a cheery place.


It's full of g-g-g-g-GHOSTS! And that's okay, because ghosts aren't immune to shurikens and katanas and blasts of holy chi energy.

Huh. A monk, a ninja, and a samurai make up the party in this scenario. How East-Asia! Never thought about it before.


What's that in the background? Looks like a locomotive...

[R^2]

Sabin: There could be survivors. Let's take a look inside.


Cyan: Sir Sabin!
Sabin: We can't just wander around out here all day. We have to check inside!
Cyan: Sir Sabin!


wiiiiiiiink


Cyan: We must leave at once! This is the Phantom Train!

The whistle blows. It is a lonesome, mournful sound.


Cyan: We must get off this train at once!

Music: Mystery Train


Cyan: I fear we are too late.
Sabin: What did you say this train was?
Cyan: This is the Phantom Train... It carries the souls of the departed to their... final destination.
Sabin: ...Wait a second. You're saying this train's giving us a one-way ride to... the afterlife!?
Cyan: Unless we find a way off, I am afraid that is exactly where we will end up...
Sabin: Well, I'm afraid that's a trip I'm going to have to pass on!

Heh heh, "pass on"? On the Phantom Train? I see what you did there, Sabin.

Sabin: If it won't let us off, then we'll stop it ourselves. Let's make for the engine.


Needless to say the train is filled with ghostly random encounters. Sabin's Aura Cannon is quite effective against all of them.




Not all of the ghosts are hostile, though. A couple run shops, and some will join the party as temporary members. They're not very good party members, with low stats and no equipment, but they can soak a few hits otherwise intended for the living.


Conductor: The Phantom Train ferries the souls of the departed to the other side. Once the souls arrive, they are granted their eternal rest. You want to stop the train? Search every corner of the engineer's compartment... I'm sure there's a way.

[R^2]

Sabin: These? ...Huh? They're all blank!
Conductor: This train carries the dead to the afterlife. It's a little tough to be making timetables with as much conflict in the world as there is right now.


Hmm, a switch! Why don't we press it and see?








Sabin: Cyan... You're not... scared, are you!?
Cyan: Wh-what dost thou mean? It's not as though I have an aversion to machines... ...or try to stay away from them as much as humanly possible... or anything like that!
Sabin: Cyan... So, you're afraid of machines!

[R^2]

dum dum dum


Eventually you get to a car with no other exits, and the entrance is blocked by a ghost when you step inside.


So you beat up the ghost, of course.
















2spooky

[R^2]

Because his cunning plan won't work otherwise, Sabin absorbs Cyan back into his map sprite. Traveling in groups must be a lot easier in fantasy games, where the entire party turns into a giant version of the lead character.




Monastic training has its advantages. No way Cyan could have made that jump by himself.


Why can't I go through the entire train this way? This is a breeze!


Oh. The rooftops are easily broken, that's why.