An open letter to the Fucking Guy Who Pisses on the Floor Where I Work
I know that this building is falling apart and the bathrooms all already kind of smell. And I know that we employ a group of migrant workers to clean the bathrooms twice a day and pick up all of our trash. I know you probably hate your job, and you probably hate going to work everyday. While I don't immediately assume it, I can probably guess that you resent or at the least don't particularly like your co-workers.
I also know you're a grown ass goddamn adult who has worked in a professional environment for a couple of years because we don't have any 18 year old fresh from ITT kids running around here.
So why, in fucking god's name, do you *insist* on pissing all over the fucking floor? and on the toilet seat? on the handle of the toilet? On the wall? Why is there puddles of piss behind and in front of the toilet? Why did you draw a circle of pisstection around the throne? Were you afraid piss ghosts would get you, and you needed to ward them off?
Look: I've been where you are. Piss all over everything, do endurance and range tests on your piss, go for timing shots, play swords. But I was fucking six, you fuck. You're an adult. You're probably in your thirties. What's going on in your fucking head where you think it's OK to make a huge mess of your urine for somebody else to clean up? For your coworkers to have to fucking wade through every tmie they need to use the toilet? Why do you think it's OK that someone should have to sit on a toilet seat you deliberately pissed on? Is that your fetish? Is your fetish strange men sitting on your piss? If that's your fetish, could you go do it in a fucking public bathroom on your lunchbreak? Maybe then you can sit in the next stall over and furiously beat off, while also simultaneously not making everyone you work with want to fucking murder you.
And one more thing, Fucking Guy Who Pisses on the Floor at Work: I'd better not find out you're also Guy Who Shits on the Toilet Seat at Work - because if I do, I will fucking kill you. It's bad enough that we have automatic only flushers that don't work half the time and I have to see a dude's stew at least once a week, but I should never walk into a stall and see a fucking shit streak down the rim of the seat like your puckered shitshooter was perched on the goddamn rim of the seat. I know you don't fucking sit like that, asshole, because nobody does, and even if you did somehow have explosive enough shit to lightly dot the edge of the seat, it wouldn't have smeared like that unless you were trying. You're a fucking asshole, whoever you are, whether it's malicious or accidental, because the truth is - you know what you fucking did, and you don't care. You might have done it on accident, but you sure as FUCK didn't clean i up and just because it's somebody else's job doesn't give you liscense to make somebody else clean up your shit. They're supposed to mop the floor, not handle your feces.
Get fucked.
